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Brown Has Weekend Movie Session After American Trip

by G.R. Eedy
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Brown Has Weekend Movie Session After American Trip

Forget about the credit crunch, deficit, soaring unemployment, riots, bankruptcies, street violence, deflation, resurgence of the IRA, and major unrest.

The PM has been holed up in Number 10 watching movie greats like ET, The Wizard of Oz and Lassie this weekend.

Obama’s gift to Brown on his recent American visit was a DVD box-set of 23 American classic films which was acquired by a White House aide for $29.99 from the bargain bucket at a local Washington CircuitCity store.

“Barack received some top notch gifts from Gordon including an ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet. Brown also gave Obama a framed commission for HMS Resolute and a first edition of the seven-volume biography of Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert. We gave him a box-set of 23 DVD’s. We also threw in a set of hubcaps for his prime minister’s car,” the White House’s press secretary, Donald Finklestein told Fox News.

Number 10 Downing Street was in movie heaven all of this weekend with about six films being watched daily by Brown.

“Gordon has been laid low in his lair watching American movies all of this weekend whilst the plotters in his cabinet plan their next move to oust him. His favourite film at the moment is Bruce Willis in Die Hard 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 because he reckons he’s like Officer John McClane who is hard to kill. He also likes greats like Casablanca, The Good the Bad and the Ugly and StarWars,” Number 10’s press secretary, John Winterton, told the Guardian newspaper.

The prime minister, who very rarely has the time to watch movies during his ailing prime ministership, is soon to find he will have all the time in the world to watch as many as he wants.

Exposed: The Food From ‘Fat Duck’ Restaurant That Poisoned Thousands

by G.R. Eedy
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1
Exposed: The Food From ‘Fat Duck’ Restaurant That Poisoned Thousands

Bloated celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, who has gorged at the trough of many free lunches, is used to getting the tax-payer to foot the bill of his BBC cookery shows advertising his restaurant. Tonight he is rubbing his fat bald head in disgrace.

The Daily Squib can reveal for the first time the food that has poisoned thousands.

Some patrons who visited the Fat Duck are now calling for the ‘Fat F*ck’ Blumenthal to be strung up by his bollocks from a very high tree.

“I paid £350 for a plate of his food. Well I’ve been on the shitter for the best half of a week and my projectile vomiting antics resemble something from Linda Blair’s repertoire. I want a refund!” a furious customer said.

Diners at the Fat Duck – one of only three restaurants in the UK with three Michelin stars – can experience dishes such as deep fried mars bars, snail porridge or snot scrambled eggs and a bacon sarnie ice cream. The most popular dish according to health investigators is egg and chips with a fat greasy gammon steak thrown onto it from a great height and finished off with a dollop of mushy peas marinated in rancid Special Brew.

“This is British gourmet food that we can be proud of. I refute any claims that anyone has been taken ill by our food. It is the best food in Europe at the moment and I would even go as far as saying it is the best in the world,” Mr Blumenthal told the News of the World newspaper.

Health Inspectors have called for the restaurant to be temporarily closed so as to ascertain the cause of the outbreak of ebola.

“Although this case is nothing unusual in the UK we still feel we are obliged to investigate the case further because he’s one of those stuck-up poncey celebrity chefs, otherwise we wouldn’t f*cking bother. The British people usually eat so much crap in their diets daily that this stuff usually goes unnoticed,” Steve Redbridge, a Health Protection Agency worker said.

Apple Computers Creates Apple

by G.R. Eedy
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0
Apple Computers Creates Apple

Standing in for Apple’s pioneer and spiritual leader, Steve Jobs, was Joseph McCormack who is now in charge of operations at the Cupertino Apple headquarters.

“It’s edible”

“Our new Apple product is an exact replica of an apple. We have designed the future of electronic devices with an organic computer/phone/i-pod/printer and even lunch. This device will revolutionise lunchboxes everywhere,” McCormack told the audience at the new product launch.

Holding up a red apple which he took out of his pocket he sniffed it then pressed the top to reveal a miniature keyboard. He then did something that made everyone’s jaws drop. He took a bite out of it.

Apple over the years has never ceased to astound and innovate, but edible electronic devices really takes the biscuit.

“Say you’re in a plane crash or stranded on a boat somewhere. Well, with our new product, you can shoot off an email or call to a rescue team and while you’re waiting for them to come, you can eat your Apple device. It’s perfectly safe and our team of Apple genius’ have engineered an Apple computer that actually tastes and smells like a real apple,” McCormack boasted proudly.

A member of the assembled press then asked if they could make bananas and guavas.

“No we’re Apple. We only deal in apples.”

The new Apple devices are already under production and should appear in a few months. The company has to first get the Apple orchard up to speed with the new season for fruiting not yet here, there may be a while to wait. Once the new Apple devices are ripe they are then handpicked by a team of specialist fruit-pickers from Mexico.

Hillary Clinton Shapeshifts During Crisis Summit

by G.R. Eedy
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2
Hillary Clinton Shapeshifts During Crisis Summit

Clinton told young Europeans at the European Parliament that global economic and environmental turmoil provided a fresh opening: “Never waste a good crisis … Don’t waste it when it can have a very positive impact on increasing scientific control. It doesn’t matter if the West claims to be reducing carbon emissions because with countries like China and India pumping out so much shit into the atmosphere it makes no bloody difference. We are just using the Global Warming bullsh*t story to bring in some more prohibitive taxes and laws. We have to use so-called crisis as best we can to create more fear amongst the populations. I love the smell of fear on a human’s breath, hmmm, it smells like dinner. Fear is my fuel, and the more fear we harvest from humans the more I crave,” she said.

Witnesses at the conference then saw Mrs Clinton momentarily shift her shape into a green lizard before suddenly switching back into her human disguise.

“I was just chewing on my cheeseburger and trying to get through the boring speech when lo and behold my eyes nearly goddamn popped out of their sockets. Hillary Clinton changed into a lizard right in front of everyone but only a few people noticed. It was so unbelievable that my brain could not comprehend what it had just seen so it tried to edit out the reptile eyes, claws and forked tongue. At first I thought it could have been Peter Mandelson who had walked into the room but when I looked back I saw Hillary Clinton blushing like she let off a fanny fart or something,” Ed Fellini, a European Parliamentary Economics Minister representing Italy, told Rai Uno.

Europe sees the United States as another greedy user of all of the world’s precious resources. The U.S. currently uses over 45% of the world’s oil and pumps out huge amounts of toxic gases into the atmosphere every day.

“The carbon lifeforms that we call humans are now getting too many in number. They’re breeding like f*cking fruit flies. The use of eugenics will be incorporated on the populations to weed out the bad slaves from the good ones to serve their masters. Comrades, we have come to a time of which we have waited for many centuries. We have no need for the old ways, the post-industrial age is upon us. We must discard the unruly humans who have to be entertained all the time. We will bring on the new era. The scientific age where our slaves will not have any form of individual thought but will work in harmony and be glad to serve us in our luxurious utopia,” Mrs Clinton added.

Video: Mandelson Gets Gunked

by G.R. Eedy
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Video: Mandelson Gets Gunked

 

“I will Survive”

Lord Mandelson branded the stunt, in front of television cameras, a ‘delicious reminder of my home pursuits’.

The pea soup squirting, outside the Government’s low carbon industrial strategy at the
Royal Society in London, was just another episode in Lord Mandy’s troubled return into the political fray. No police were at the scene.

“Mandy is used to having stuff squirted into his face and he took the soup gunging spunk-fest with a pinch of salt. It was like water off a ducks back,” a Royal Society elitist arsehole told Sky news.

Lord
Mandelson later emerged from the building after changing his tie and
said: ‘It was a wonderful distraction actually. There I was dreaming of Bill Clinton whilst on a visit to the United States and me wearing a blue dress, when, out of nowhere, I received a firm squirt of pea juice onto my face and clothes. Ooh it was so good. I enjoyed it so much I have to go to my office now and get into my ermine for a spot of Lordly action.”

Bank of England to Give Everyone £10,000

by G.R. Eedy
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2
Bank of England to Give Everyone £10,000

The Royal mint has been working overtime for the past few weeks printing up billions of pounds to fill the economic black hole left by years of negligent rule by the previous chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown.

Called, ‘Quantitative Easing’ the idea is to print so much money that the pound sterling will be practically worthless. But look on the bright side — at least we would have a lot of cash in our pockets.

“Good News”

“Every citizen in England and Wales will receive £10,000 cash from the Bank of England. You can do as you wish with the £10,000. You can buy a mars bar with it or a lollipop, you may even be able to stretch yourself to buying a packet of crisps as well. Because of devaluation, your £10,000 is equivalent to 60 pence a year ago,” Mervyn King said from his plush Mayfair residence.

There may even be plans by the government to drop the money from the air but this idea may have to be shelved because of Health and Safety concerns.

Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe’s president, yesterday commended the Bank of England on its actions with a message of solidarity for mirroring his countries economic success.

"It’s Britney Bitches!"

by G.R. Eedy
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1
"It’s Britney Bitches!"

“Britney is amazing. She just ate 4 burritos, 6 pepperoni pizzas, 24 bars of candy, a bucket full of cheetos and a barrel of aspartame cola — and she can still come out on stage and do the moves. I don’t think even Barry White in his heyday could do that,” Britney’s personal fitness coach, Gabriel Finkel, told MTV.

You guessed it folks, bring out the Antares autotune and onstage miming. Britney’s back and this time she’s angry.

“Britney is eager to put the smack down on all of her detractors and the naysayers. She wants to prove to people once and for all that she is a talented star in her own right. The fact that she is so drugged up and bloated is neither here nor there, she wants to attempt to mime better to prove her worth,” her manager, Alan Hymie Weissman, articulated.

Indeed, for the last four months she has been receiving expert miming tuition from the likes of Jennifer Lopez, the Simpson sisters and all the other female singers on the pop circuit at the moment.

As we all know the music biz is awash with female pop starlets who have achieved their place in the annals of pop history by giving the right person the right head — just look at Joss Stone for example. Miming is now an established art form amongst the braindead silicon titted dolly birds who aspire to be big ‘stars’.

In Los Angeles alone, there have been ten miming schools opened within the last year.

“The trick is to actually believe you are singing the song. Only then can you fool the audience. You must exude the correct emotion as well as exaggerate every inflection,” Alanna Tomas, head instructor at the LA School of Stage Mime told the Daily Squib.

Britney fought hard to get back her true talent and is finally cracking the nut after literally going nuts about a year ago.


Although still clinically insane, Britney is kept in check by a team of attendants who follow her everywhere. She is also administered daily with numerous anti-psychotic drugs that some of her close friends and family have questioned.

“Sometimes her left cheek twitches so much we cannot take photographs or we have to stop filming. Her facial cheeks twitch sometimes as well and she also has a way of winking uncontrollably that kind of reminds us of Herbert Lom’s rendition of Chief Inspector Dreyfus from the Pink Panther movies. No, not the crap Steve Martin atrocities, we’re talking about Peter Sellers. If I ever saw Steve Martin I would punch that guy’s fat head very hard for defiling the Pink Panther movies so much. He actually deserves death for his awful, awful Pink Panther film. All the people involved in those Hollywood remakes need to be lined up and shot. Bloody disgraceful,” Britney’s personal physician, Dr Guy Gadoire told MTV.

For what insiders described as her last chance to prove she can still
compete in the pop mime world alongside other mimers like Madonna and Kylie
Minogue, the singer pulled out all the stops.

The Louisiana performance, the first of her 44-date Circus tour, was
widely deemed a success by her brainless amoeba fans, but critics were less enthusiastic,
citing her lip-syncing as a notable disappointment.

This is Britney’s 23rd comeback attempt in six years. Let us hope it is her last.

Pakistan: "Anyone for Cricket?"

by G.R. Eedy
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1
Pakistan: "Anyone for Cricket?"

Star batsmen Run Fouryorlife and Hel Pdonshoot, who both received
hospital treatment in Pakistan, were placed in an ambulance and taken to a
private medical facility in Karachi, after a series of googlies that caught them by surprise, a senior official said.

“The Pakistani team are crack shots and there was bloodshed on the pitch. It seems they have some serious marksmen on their team,” Omygahd E’sgottagun, another batsman squealed from his hospital bed.

Cricket commentator, Geoffrey Boycott was shocked at the precision of the Pakistani bowlers: “The precision of the shots was astounding, almost like one of my off break backhanders on my ex-wife. Smack and there she goes down. Almost harks back to the old body form drive, like a bullet it was as if the batsman cut it fine and the shot ricocheted off at high speed like an AK-47. The crack from the bat must have split the wood because of the blood everywhere from the batsman’s foot. I saw the boy recoil as if being hit by a bullet. Another lbw for Pakistan, but this time the chap didn’t have a leg left to stand on…more like a bloody stump eh. Still it’s all in a day’s game of cricket.”

The Pakistani cricket team now have such a reputation that the Kiwis and Aussies are staying well out of the World Cup.

Gordon Brown Lost Fake Eyeball at Start of Washington Visit

by G.R. Eedy
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8
Gordon Brown Lost Fake Eyeball at Start of Washington Visit

Near disaster was averted by a quick thinking Brown aide, who opened up a tin of on-board lychees and plonked one into Gordon Brown’s empty socket.

“The rough landing by the prime ministerial airplane caused a great deal of turbulence due to the snowy conditions and Mr Brown sadly lost his prosthetic eyeball when the plane touched down. Luckily we had some lychees on-board  and averted disaster by applying the lychee to Mr Brown’s socket,” John Sebastian, a senior parliamentary speechwriter, told the Evening KGB Standard.

Ministerial aides are still trying to find the lost eyeball and think it went under a seat somewhere and could have rolled around to the back of the plane.

Cleaners for the airplane during the Obama-Brown visit have been told not to use any vacuum cleaners and to report any eyeballs found.

No one in the American press or Obama contingent have yet noticed that the one-eyed Scot is going around with a lychee as a replacement for his prosthetic eyeball, but it may only be a matter of time.

“Unremarkable Relationship”

Mr Brown, who is keen to get away from troubles at home, has been beset by problems on his visit as well. After a lukewarm greeting from the Americans, there are now calls for unelected prime minister Brown to apologise to the British people for causing the biggest downturn and depression in economic history.

Jade Goody Has Operation to Remove Publicist

by G.R. Eedy
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10
Jade Goody Has Operation to Remove Publicist

The 27-year-old Big Brother star left the Royal Sun Mirror Hospital in Wapping, East London, in a wheelchair and was put into a waiting
ambulance before being driven away.

According to Sky news, the operation to remove the publicist from her orifice was not an easy surgical process.

“The operation to remove Jade Goody’s publicist took all of seven hours and required a team of twelve surgeons. The publicist was lodged firmly in her bowel area and we think we got most of him out but there may be some residual headlines and sensational money making headlines still left. I hope for our sake we will all be given some rest from this awful publicist and his grotesque exploitative greed,” Chief surgeon for the Royal Sun Mirror Hospital in Wapping told reporters.

No one can be sure if the publicist was completely removed from Jade’s bowel, but as our reporter walked past the office earlier, a double-decker bus passed by with a huge Jade Goody advert on the side informing everyone that she is very ill and is suffering terribly.

Now all we need is a self gratifying smarmy interview from leech, Piers Moron, to add to the smell of effluent hanging over the whole sorry affair.

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