Like a swine in the trough, Sir Fred Goodwin who stole a £750,000 per annum pension fund after ruining the bank, was today seen guzzling endless glasses of champagne on his private yacht which is moored off the luxury seaside resort of Acapulco.

According to newspaper reports emanating from Mexico everyone is now talking about the ‘swine levels’ reaching epidemic levels.

“As soon as Sir Fred the Shred swined into Acapulco, everyone knew there was a serious threat of ‘swine fever’. This guy can outswine a member of the Labour cabinet and still go for a second-home expense account pig-out session without balking. What’s more it’s bloody contagious, even this morning at the breakfast buffet I found myself stuffing everything I could find into my pockets a la John Prescott and I even filled up about four plates of food which I pigged out on like a crazed hog ,” David Sinclair, a cruise ship passenger told the Acapulco Daily.

“Not Kosher”

Rabbi Mosher Pretzel, a prominent member of the North London Jewish community who hails from Golders Green was on holiday with his wife, Golda and was incensed about Sir Fred Goodwin’s porky credentials: “I paid a lot of money for this cruise and then the dirty swine Goodwin turned up and spoilt everything. We can’t even come on deck because we see that smarmy swine grinning as he plays with his ill gotten gains on the deck of his ship. It’s like he’s flaunting it. Counting his shekels in front of us like that. It’s not kosher I tell you. He should give some to me and my wife. We have been confined in our room all day and night for two weeks!”

Fred Goodwin’s ‘swine fever’ has swept the whole of Mexico now and is even threatening some parts of Southern California and Texas.

Containment measures are now being made to thwart the spread of Fred Goodwin’s unholy swine ways.

“The world is already in enough pig shit at the moment without more people contracting Fred Goodwin Swine Fever. The filthy greedy pig has caused enough damage don’t you think?” another distraught cruise ship passenger said, before stealing an old woman’s purse and running off squealing like a delighted pig.

If you were as ugly and lonely as Phil Spector you might be frustrated too, say prominent psychiatrists and luminaries of the Music Industry.

“Phil never managed to get laid once in his life. It didn’t matter how much money he paid hookers or any of the women, he just could not get laid because the dude was an ugly motherf*cker. He actually looks like a lizard, one girl told me after he held her at gunpoint for three hours before she finally escaped through a fifth floor bathroom window,” Ron Silverman, a long time Spector hanger-on and drug supplier told the Daily Squib.

Many women escaped with their lives after being around Phil Spector, Lana Clarkson was not so lucky and she was the last straw for him.

“That night he must’ve finally flipped. These women could not stay in his presence for more than 15 minutes, so Phil would have to lay down another $1000 for them to stay. He would sometimes try drugging them so that they could look at his face or even touch him but that was too much for some and they would leave the money even if they were homeless. His adopted kids also could not stand Phil either. Hell I’ve even seen nuns cringe when they come with two feet of this dude,” Spector’s chauffeur confided during the court case.

Phil Spector was one of the most famous music producers of all time and was credited with inventing the “wall of sound” but unfortunately for him he will be languishing behind bars for the rest of his life in “walls of concrete”.

“He was testament to what happens when cousins breed. Phil wanted to be a big shot in the Music Biz, well he finally got his chance that’s for sure,” Ed Mahoney, a rep for Atlantic Records said after Spector was convicted of murder.

It is not yet known if Spector will be allowed to take his wigs into prison with him but there is some good news for the ailing ex-producer — he will finally be able to get laid, albeit by some huge black gangbanger looking for a pasty white b*tch to f*ck.

Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Darling, supreme unelected Soviet chancellor, announced the plans for even greater taxation of the proletariat.

“You will enjoy more taxation”

“Comrades, I have been ordered by our omnipresent unelected comrade in chief, Gordon Brown to increase taxation of the proles so that the New Era of Change can move into phase two of the collectivised Sovietization program and embrace Comrade Brown’s Ten Year Plan of slavery and poverty. To fund the great British Soviet banking system as well as the gravy train by senior members of the Labour party, the plebiscite will be required to work for 99.8% of the year as opposed to 97% last year. Taxation will increase to 99% of income as opposed to 98.9% and we have also seen fit to increase the cost of gruel rations by 97% next month. Fuel duty, as you may have already noticed, has risen by over 650% since Labour’s Bolshevik revolution in 1997. It is in our best interests that the proletariat increase their production levels drastically so that high ranking officials like me can increase our Grace and Soviet Favour third home allowances and claim for everything including the kitchen sink. That will be all for now. Hail the great supreme commander and father, Comrade Brown.”

“It is your duty to work hard so that your leaders can live in perfect luxury”

High party officials were ecstatic at the news that there would be an increase in taxation to pay for even more Soviet dirt.

“Comrades, I just relieved myself over a copy of “Collectivised Socialist Tractor Weekly”. Please cast your eyes over pages 42-43 — if you can pry the pages apart of course. You will see for yourselves, Comrade Jacqui Smith, head of Stasi operations, reclining over a tractor with her Soviet curtains displayed like well worn three week old Soviet doner kebabs. It is truly a wondrous site to behold,” Comrade Straw told some high ranking male members of the Duma during recess.

The British Soviet government has also been embarking on further measures to increase the wealth of high-ranking Labour members and bankers by quantitative easing methods.

The multi-tiered approach of increasing taxation of the masses, inflating food prices, increasing fuel duty and printing more money should ensure the people at the top will be able to afford as much dirt and bath plugs as they can possibly manage.