Mr Prescott invited reporters around to his Hull constituency fourth home in an effort to quell rumours that he has got swine fever.

“I was just eating my 20th bacon sarnie of the morn when I burped loudly and a bit of sick came up. My missus laughed and said ‘John you just brought up a bit of sick’ I said ‘yes me love and I ate that up as well’. That’s when I smelled the doner kebabs from down t’ road. I told her t’ ‘op it and get me 12 large doners and a bucket of chips sharpish. Well the silly bitch didn’t get enough bloody chilli sauce put on so I tell her to get back ‘n’ tell ’em to put the chilli and garlic sauce on everything, drizzle it so you can’t taste how sh*t the roadkill meat tastes like. I washed the lot down with a crate of ale and 16 bottles of pop. Dessert? You bet! How about 340 cream eggs mixed in a bucket of custard and a nice greasy gammon steak with all the fat around it slapped on. My wife added the piece de resistance, I gave it a good stir with a stick from the garden and it all went down a real treat. It was delicious I tell you’se. I gave her a good punch in the fookin’ eye for that bit of culinary excellence. You don’t have to pass your 11-plus to know a good bit o’ grub do you?” said Mr Prescott, describing a normal day’s high tea in his household.

After pigging out on his little snack Mr. Prescott was able to relax for a few minutes and recall his days in the Blair cabinet, however it was only four minutes later when the chipolata boy got hungry again.

“Mr Prescott tried to eat my arm. I know you may not believe me but he took a sniff and chomped down pretty hard. Naturally, we ended the interview right there and had to escape through one of the closed windows. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he chomped down on my arm taking a big chunk of flesh in his mouth. He actually licked his lips and said it tasted like prime Yorkshire meat f*cking pie. He was snorting and squealing in frustration at being denied the rest of the arm. It was really scary I tell you. I think I’m going to need a lot of counselling and my arm is a right old mess,” Daily Squib reporter, Gerald Scotchbrook said from his hospital bed.

Luckily the Daily Squib reporter got away with his life but both the Sun and Telegraph’s reporters were nowhere to be seen after everyone assembled in the car park afterwards.

According to Hollywood sources, Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend suffered multiple broken bones and internal injuries when Kelly Osbourne accidentally rolled over in bed and crushed his body.

“The boy only has a very slight frame, so when Kelly rolled over in bed during her sleep she did not realise what she was doing. It was only when the maid came to clean the room in the morning that Mr Squirrel was discovered passed out underneath Ms Osbourne. He was immediately airlifted to Cedars Sinai Hospital for immediate emergency treatment,” Ms Osbourne’s spokesman told ABC news.

Mr Squirrel is still in Intensive Care with over 15 broken bones, a crushed torso resulting in extensive kidney and liver damage and a cracked pelvis.

Doctors at Cedars Sinai have revealed that Mr Squirrel is still in traction and may be in hospital for the next three months depending on how he responds to treatment.

Kelly Osbourne made a brief statement at the hospital today: “We’ve been going out for a f*cking year now and I can’t f*cking believe my f*cking luck. This is the third motherf*cking time I’ve crushed Luke. This is getting f*cking old now innit? I might have to dump the little sh*t and get my stupid f*cking parents pay to get a new f*cking model.”

The couple were due to marry in two months time but may have to postpone now due to the current unfortunate circumstances.

“It’s just like the real deal, I feel like I get a good workout with my arms and truncheon when I train with this simulator. Hell, you can even hear the bones crackin’,” Officer Al Hertyu, from LA’s 67th precinct told the LA Times.

According to the developers of the simulator, this piece of high end software can actually save lives.

The software
developers also claim the game is good for police moral and is a good
way of letting off steam after a hard days violence on the streets.

“This shows you where to hit the perps depending on the situation. Say we got someone on pcp, now they ain’t going to feel pain like you and I so you’re gonna have to keep whackin’ until they go down. You got to get them in the right place too otherwise they just keep on coming. We’ve designed this software to train new recruits on how to conduct themselves during police brutality lawsuits as well. Either you say the right things or you go down. I’ve had thirty year police veterans come up to me and tell me that this program had them giggling like it was their first beat session. It really is that good,” Bob Monk, one of the developers for the software divulged.

The company that has developed the training aid is NASDAQ listed Crunch Software who are based in San Francisco, California.

Already other states are realising how effective the police training software is and are also planning to incorporate the program in their academies.

Image:clagnut-b3ta

Speaking from his Dacha in Southwold, Comrade Brown addressed senior Labour party officials and Bolshevik commanders:

“Comrades, as much as I welcome the wonderful news that we will have a
pandemic to finally whittle down the population by 90% so that we can
bring in our scientific utopian
dictatorship and the ultimate Fabian dream, I am still not happy with
the insipid fear levels that are being registered by the plebiscite. They still
seem to be nonchalant and apathetic to the fact that there will be
total social breakdown, no food; anti-viral medication only delivered to
party officials and Labour sycophants; total chaos and death.

“Comrades, as you all know, we have our antidotes for this lab-created
virus and will languish in our luxury apartments whilst all around us
the ensuing chaos will kick off. We will of course pretend to care and look as if we are doing something for the fodder. The Summer of Rage will be my defining
moment wherein I have left the people no option but to riot. We have
opened the borders for the virus to enter the country and do its work.
All contingency plans have thus so far been adhered to, as Commissar
Balls and Mandie can attest to in their fervour during preparations for
the genocide.

“Remember comrades it was us or them, and of course we have all the
machinery while they have nothing and are all useless consumers whose only purpose
is to serve us by consuming junk they think they need. We don’t let them have ideas. Why would we let them have guns?
We are tired of their ineffectual nature. They are a
burden on the New Age of Change, see how they disobey me on all orders
and laugh at me. Well, their time is up and the economic shock testing
that we engineered to create the collapse of the last remnants of
capitalism are proof of our power.

“Politburo members have even informed me that some of the plebiscite are so indoctrinated by the ‘eco-greening’ program that they will lay down their lives without question to save the earth from further pollution with their carbon emissions. These proles I salute and commend especially with their brainwashing, and I extend a globule of Soviet spittle on their unmarked graves.

“We have enabled a revolution without even one shot being fired. The
plebiscite are mere sheep — they can’t even bleat in protest as I
shepherd them into the pen for the final slaughter. We will
engineer a new society where the slaves will not question, they will
not have individual thought, they will not have the survival instinct
like us. Comrades, soon it will be time for us to retire to our villas
and watch the riots.”

In other news, sectors J34 and C21 were sealed off after another major outbreak of swine flu and the plebiscite neutralised.

Notice: B64945 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!