Hardened criminal, and potential terrorist, John Smith, 36, was leaving a charity shop after buying a £3 T-shirt when he dropped the offending note along with a price tag.

When two Stasi officers approached him outside the Capability Scotland store in Ayr and pointed out he had dropped the money, Mr Smith was initially grateful.

He was then stunned when they slapped him with a fine.

He said: ‘One of them pointed to the money and ticket. I said ‘Oh, thanks very much’ and picked them up.

‘But then they said they wanted a word and told me they were fining me £50 for littering under the prevention of terrorism act 2009. I was gobsmacked.’

‘I used a £20 note and was given £17 change. I put the coins in my front pocket and went to put the note and ticket in my back pocket but I obviously dropped it.

‘I hadn’t realised until I heard someone say, ‘Halt, there prole criminal!’ Then I turned round and there were two Stasi officers grinning like Cheshire cats.’

Unemployed Mr Smith, who was forced to give up work because of his illness, receives just £98 a fortnight in benefits.

But now he must pay the fine within 14 days or face further action.

Mr Smith, who is single, has said he cannot afford the fine and has instead contacted a lawyer.

It is known Stasi officials within the sector are operating a zero-tolerance approach to criminal deviant anti-state acts in the local area.

A Strathclyde Stasi spokeswoman said: ‘An individual was seen throwing papers in the street.

‘We have orders from Stasi Head Office in Whitehall to prosecute real criminals. We are determined to clean up this sector and this individual was caught committing a heinous crime which was duly punished to the full extent of Labour Stasi Directive C14337 – B.

‘Citizens can now sleep safe in their beds knowing this criminal mastermind was caught and punished for his degenerate capitalistic terrorist acts.’

Everything is OK again and the birds are all chirping in the trees, all is peaceful in the land of Twitter as Sarah Brown Tweets away with as much gusto today as she did yesterday. Everything is now peachy in the lilly livered land of Labour; even the cowardly backbenchers are happy as they cry into their lukewarm pea soup bowls and dream about having some f*cking balls for a change.

Already, there have been press releases to the daily papers with news of the recession created by 12 years of waste and idiocy being lifted.

“After the PM’s recent re-branding effort, we decided to release some optimistic lies to placate the proles for awhile. It is a very simple technique which we have been utilising for many years and it entails releasing made-up statistics to cover up the reality of the situation. Everyone knows we’re fucked. Gordon’s policies of debt and more debt have bankrupted the UK for another 30 odd years,” a number 10 spin doctor revealed to the Daily Squib.

Another of Brown’s henchmen had this to say about the bully of Number 10: “The great unelected clunking fist will not be denied his power. We have been given orders to fight to the death, all traitors within the party will be purged until all that is left are the yellow sycophants, bottom crawlers and cronies who take big payments to be Brown’s friend. Gordon is even toying with the idea of fixing the electoral system to ensure he is never kicked out of office. We have orders to tell the people that snow is black, if we repeat it enough times then the people will finally believe that snow is indeed black, such is the power of our brainwashing techniques. We can make you believe that the countries economy is all rosy when all around us there are millions in unemployment, crumbling businesses, mass bankruptcies, poverty, sleaze, deflation, extortionate petrol prices, no mortgages, huge debt and violent crime mixed with unfettered immigration. It’s a credit to the dumbed down British public that they’re not rioting in the streets as we speak, such is their resolute obedience to our lies while we fleece them everyday for the rest of their miserable, subservient lives.”

With the price of petrol rising daily and the interest rates set to rise again soon, who is going to pay the mortgage then? Families and businesses who are already stretched to the limit financially will find that sitting back and pretending it will all go away does not work. Listen to more Labour lies, you will feel better comrades.

Here’s to another 10 years of Gordon Brown.

Yesterday in the White House’s rose garden, Obama held a conference on climate change in which he outlined how the government was going to monetarily charge people for using the earth’s weather. During his masterfully orated speech, he looked up at the heavens and pointed at some clouds, and to the astonishment of the crowd and assembled dignitaries, the clouds parted as soon as Obama pointed at them bringing forth a ray of light.

“Obama has got powers which we have never witnessed in a president or anyone for that matter. Wherever he goes there seems to be a ray of light that comes through even the thickest of clouds. He also has special qualities with animals. Last week he was at an animal sanctuary in Washington visiting with his children and as soon as he walked within a few feet of the animals they started making noises as if they were excited, jumping up and down and cooing,” a baffled senior aide to the White House’s staff told CBS news.

Research scientists at one of America’s most respected scientific research labs, Los Alamos, have been contacted to investigate the Obama phenomenon and are said to be baffled at the claims of Obama’s supernatural powers.

There have also been witnesses to Obama’s miracle qualities with water, a White House function guest recalls: “We were at a function for the President of Lithuania two weeks ago when Obama touched a jug of water accidentally. To the guests surprise, the water was then transformed to prime Matryoshkina vodka. The guests were soon whooping it up, some even jumping up to dance on the tables and singing loudly.”

Pity the new president cannot make the USA’s $12 Trillion deficit disappear.

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Gordon Brown, who was being interviewed on the BBC at the time started to eat his own hand as the reporter, Bungla Neelesh Chakrabarti looked on in horror.

“The PM started to eat his own hand as I showed him the final results for the election. His face went red and he just bit down taking big chunks of flesh, bone and gristle and swallowing the lot. He didn’t even make a sound during the act and everyone in the studio started to retch at the horrible sight. The crunching sound was the worst bit. Filming was stopped immediately by my producer Sanjit Markhani,” Mr Chakrabarti reported.

The film of the awful act will not be shown out of respect for Mr Brown who was rushed immediately to Hammersmith hospital at 9.30 am.

Surgeons were said to be battling to piece together the hand but it is likely that Mr Brown will be fitted with a prosthetic hand, possibly a hook.

BNP National-Socialist and architect of the British Reich, Nick Griffin was jubilant yesterday when Gordon Brown personally handed him a trophy to commemorate his victory at the European polls.

“I am pleased to be honoured by Gordon Brown’s Labour party. Thanks to Labour’s unfettered open-door policy of immigration which has stretched services to the limit and swamped the whole of the British Isles with immigrants from third world countries, we have received a huge boost in the European polls. Although the European Union is a Soviet system, our Fascist policies will be integrated very easily because there is very little difference between our ideologies.

“The BNP has great plans for implementing racial cleansing and eugenics policies as well as the compulsory expulsion/neutralisation of
all ni**ers, jews, p*kis, ch*nks and any other non-aryan race from the UK and
Europe. Gordon Brown, can rest assured that his government was instrumental in bringing forth the new era of Fascism across Britain.

“We must start making provisions to implement a more efficient way of disposing of the untermensch. Plans are being drawn for Europe’s largest Zyklon-B factory which we can deliver to the gas chambers in all the cities. Our plans will also implement those of Reinhard Heydrich, whose excellent technique in neutralising undesirables all those years ago will come into good use today.”

European Union gulags will be fitted with specially designed shower rooms and will be working night and day according to BNP Brownshirts who were present at Number 10 yesterday.

“It’s going to be a gas,” MEP Nick Griffin added.

It was like a scene from Monteverdi’s Orfeo, Ed Balls stood up and started screeching with his new found castrati voice.

“Ed Balls has lost his bollocks and a prime seat in the Treasury choir it seems. He has been relegated and left behind by the Tenor in chief, Gorgonzola Brown, who we have heard, has a huge pair of balls. Ed Balls can reach the high notes with ease now that he has been castrated. Before the operation, we would get the other castrati, David Millipede, to squeeze Ed’s testes very hard from below so that he could reach those high notes, albeit with a strained inflection,” the choir master for Labour’s parish church, Dame Mandie, told a news conference on Friday.

Balls Up

Last night, Balls described his displeasure at being denied the castrati job in the Treasury: “I had even got my jock strap ready for the big occasion. Even though I don’t have any balls I like to wear one anyway. It was embroidered with the logo of the chancellor and I had gone to great lengths to practice my high pitched wailing. Now I understand that I have to stay and sing for the Schools choir. My poor empty ball sac aches at the very thought. Squeak!”

There is some good news for Balls though, he may soon find himself with all the time in the world to practice his glass shattering balless caterwauling to an unemployment office choir in some dank Northern town somewhere.