The most unpopular unelected Prime Minister in British history, Gordon Brown, is to step aside to make way for an old hand of the Labour party because according to Number 10 spin doctors, “things can’t get any worse than they already are”.

“Michael Foot was up until now the most unpopular leader of the Labour party, but he towers over Gordon Brown in popularity. No one else in the Labour party has the guts or balls to stand up to Brown and it has been witnessed by the whole nation with how f*cking spineless the Labour MPs were when it came to ousting the pariah, Brown. Even at 93 years old and with two feet in the grave, Foot is a supreme, charismatic, dynamo compared to the boorish, morose loser Brown,” a Number 10 aide disclosed.

Labour MPs from the backbenches, and even some from the cabinet, were at Michael Foot’s home in Plymouth yesterday begging for him to return so that Labour can at least have a tiny chance of winning the next election.

“We call Gordon, ‘Velcro’ because bad luck sticks to him. He has been the worst pox on the Labour party ever. He is a walking reverse Midas touch, everything he touches turns to sh*t. His blundering tin pot ideas have ruined our country for the next 30-40 years. Our children’s children’s children will still be suffering because of this f*cking moron Gordon Brown. What’s worse, he won’t go. We’ve tried bloody everything. He just does not get it,” a Labour backbencher moaned to the Guardian newspaper, which incidentally has also turned against Brown.

Once installed, the Rt Hon Michael Foot will be bolstered up during parliamentary sessions by an intravenous drip of pure formaldehyde so that he does not decompose during PMQ’s. Technicians hired by the Labour party were at work all of yesterday concocting a formula of drugs to also keep the 93 year old politician awake and alert.

“If we can keep him awake for more than 15 minutes at a time by injecting him with pure caffeine and amphetamines, at least that way he can field a few questions from Cameron. If that doesn’t work we’ll have to bring on the defibrillators. Anything or anyone is better than Gordon Brown,” John McManus, a senior Labour backbencher told the Guardian.

All Michael Foot has to do now is to get his metal toe capped boot on and give that god awful bonehead, Brown, a bloody good kicking so that he will never forget the mess he has got us all in.

Poor Sir Fred, he is at his wits end as we meet him in the palatial atrium of his Riviera palace.

“I can’t take it anymore. I have been treated so terribly, I am a broken man. I am a shadow of my former self. O woe is me,” Sir Fred moans as he cries into his 1928 Krug, sniffing uncontrollably.

Sir Fred Goodwin is seated in a gold plated wheelchair which is pushed around the modest surroundings of the French chateau by his personal butler, Gordon. Outside, a pristine pool gleams in the sunlight and from afar you can glimpse the crystal blue waters of a lake.

“I can’t sleep, I haven’t slept in weeks in fact. People think I don’t have a conscience, they think that I’m a criminal banker swine who has caused misery to thousands of people.

“Today I am mourning the terrible, terrible woeful loss of a very dear part of my stash. My pension has been well and truly shredded, it has been put through the shredder of conscience, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. How am I supposed to live on the pittance these people have left me? You try and keep a flotilla of yachts, a private jet, twenty six luxury cars, my wife and children, fifteen luxury villas, a hovercraft and two busloads of servants on the small change I am left with.”

There is a pause as Sir Fred stands up from his wheelchair and walks over to the window fighting back tears of anger and self pity.

A servant walks into the room with a plate of the finest Almas Beluga which is served up to the distraught ex-director of RBS. He pushes the plate away in disgust and continues staring out onto the well pruned jardin.

Sir Goodwin is just another sad casualty of the horrible recession that has befallen so many, we should all spare a thought for his awful circumstances.

Gordon Brown announced the whitewash inquiry yesterday after consulting oil executives at 10 Downing street.

Iraq has the world’s second largest proven oil reserves. Since the invasion in 2003 by America and Britain, new exploration has discovered Iraq’s
reserves to be 200+ billion barrels of high-grade crude, which is extraordinarily
cheap to produce and extremely profitable for both countries.

The UK and US were barred from access to oil profits since Iraq’s nationalization in 1972. It was only after the invasion in 2003 that the four Anglo-American oil giants finally got access to the oil reserves.

Vichy

The Iraqi constitution of
2005, greatly influenced by US advisors, contains language that
guarantees a major role for foreign companies.

The occupation of Iraq according to US officials will be indefinite.

A spokesman for the US state department, Jim McRuckus, told CNN yesterday: “It was necessary for us to liberate the oil and profits from the Iraqi people. Our SUV’s and cars are bigger than theirs. Together the UK and US took the Iraqis lands, oil and killed millions of Iraqi civilians as well as displaced many millions. Sure there were a few US and UK casualties but, hey, they signed up so they were expendable for oil profits. The US owns Iraq now and we’re going to stay here forever. It was a win win situation for us, we killed millions of Muslims and took their oil. We thank the British for their help.”
 
Since 2003 the US and UK oil companies have been siphoning off huge profits and oil from the fields at the expense of the Iraqi regime and people and there are no signs that the thievery will ever stop.

Further protests, especially if they are on the same scale as Monday’s, which saw hundreds of thousands of people take to the streets of London, could pose a direct challenge to the authorities who have kept a tight grip on dissent since the unelected Labour leader, Comrade Brown forcibly took power.

Finland’s ambassador to London, Hakkai Hakakkanan, said the protests – the biggest since the British Soviet revolution – had caught Britain’s Labour leadership unaware.

“It will continue for sure, because now in a way the taps of discontent have been opened … There is no revolution coming in my view because the people in Britain are so weak and downtrodden, but some kind of compromise will be made,” Hakakkanan told Finland’s national broadcaster.

But one British businessman who is in exile in America spoke of his discontent about the whole situation.

“At the end of the day nothing tangible will have changed,” he told Reuters news agency, which said he has seen it over and over again in Britain. “It will be business as usual.”

Following a crackdown on the foreign press, the Stasi Police, the Soviet state’s most powerful military force set up by Ex-Commissar for Interrogations and Surveillance, Jacqui Smith, warned online media of similar treatment over their coverage of the country’s crisis.

Much information about the protests has come from blogs and websites such as YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. The government yesterday barred foreign media from leaving their offices to report on the demonstrations.

Brown last night dismissed the protests as the work of “freedom seekers”..

Brown’s appeal for calm after four days of protests in London followed an apparent concession when the regime promised to look into some form of democracy but later retracted the offer and vowed to never hold a general election ever again.

Many dissenters and detractors have already been rounded up after daring to protest against the supreme unelected leader, Brown.

Thousands of Brown ­supporters, who were bussed in for a mass rally in London’s Red Trafalgar Square, waved their fists and cheered as Commissar for Re-Education Ed Balls, a prominent ally of the unelected leader, told them: “This nation will protect and defend its revolution in any way.”

Unrest was also reported yesterday from the cities of Manchester, Bristol and Cardiff. But in North East Britain, headquarters of Britain’s Soviet controlling establishment, the only reported demonstrations have been against the former president, Comrade Blair, who is seen as a traitor to the current regime.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, yesterday denounced the British government’s “brutal” reaction to demonstrators.

In Washington, Barack Obama said he was “deeply disturbed” by the violence. But he did not want to be seen as “meddling” in British internal affairs.

Speaking from his new luxury, taxpayer-funded apartment in Brussels, MEP Nick Griffin outlined his new plan for British schools.

“We’re introducing the new BNP crayons to schools in Britain. Instead of a set of colours there will only be one colour allowed in the new BNP packs. Yes, you’ve guessed it — white will be the only colour allowed.”

Our reporter then asked Mr Griffin how anyone was supposed to draw with just a set of white crayons.

“Listen, we ain’t going to have any coloureds in the packs of crayons. These will be white only crayons and you can still see what you draw when you put the paper under a light and skew the page a bit. It sort of shines a bit, something to do with the wax. Whites only will be permitted. No more impure colours will be allowed to mix with the purity of our white crayons ever again.”

This recent BNP crayon directive should come into force by next week when all schools in the British Isles will be ordered by the new EU Fascist commission to enforce the ruling as standard.

image – sepang – b3ta

Incumbent Ahmedinnajacket is quaking in his size 4 boots tonight after the Iranian elections could show that his days of dictatorship are over.

“Well, at least the Iranians get an election, however rigged they are. Here in the UK we don’t get elections anymore, and Brown is going to ensure that he changes the electoral system to make sure that he stays in power forever,” a distraught Londoner told the BBC.

Meanwhile, over in North Korea, Kim Jong Il is planning on passing on his dictatorship to his son after his retirement later on in the year, although there are rumours that there might be an all out nuclear war before the big handover. Last year we lost George W Bush, who was one of the world’s most evil albeit stupid dictators.

The dictatorship retirements have now left a big hole in the business of dictating. All that is left are a few pockets of resistance around the world like the UK and Zimbabwe.

“Even Zimbabwe’s Mugabe is losing his dictatorial lustre. He is into that power sharing stuff, or is pretending to be into it, although he still dabbles in major dictating binges here and there. Gordon Brown, the unelected leader of the British Communist party is the only major dictator left in the world,” Purnell Blears, a political prisoner in exile in Borneo told the BBC.

It is indeed a credit to Brown’s diligence in dictating, that the UK is now awash with millions of surveillance cameras, listening devices and human tracking mechanisms.

Yesterday, unelected prime minister, Brown, was quoted as saying very aptly: “The people who cast the votes don’t decide an election, the people who count the votes do.”