Senior White House aides are said to be concerned for the new president after the volume of cigarettes he is smoking daily has increased substantially in recent weeks.

“The Oval room is now one big ashtray, with Dubya we had to install a spittoon, with this guy we just have one giant ashtray in the middle of the f*cking room where he sticks his butts. You can imagine the stench especially, whenever there is a slight crisis. Barack will just keep chaining ’em like there’s no tomorrow. We even had to get some people in a few days ago to scrape the nicotine off the once white ceiling,” John Smithers, the White House press officer told CNN.

It has been one disaster after another for Obama and it seems the fake veneer of his election promises are slowly wearing thin.

Tanya Gould, a prominent Obama supporter and campaigner told the Washington Times: “It’s like the people got conned by electing him and sometimes you see the real truth of the situation. Like you get little glimpses, but then the PR people come in and gloss over the truth. I just wish there would be some reality even though things would be bad at least it would be real huh.”

The White House’s resident doctor, Meat Johnsons M.D, who trained at the Michael Jackson School of Medicine, said this about Obama’s unhealthy habit: “We need to realise that Obama is under a lot of stress and he needs to smoke because it gives him the strength to carry on when everything else is crumbling around him. I say smoke more!.”

What with the whole of the U.S.A slowly imploding underneath the trillions of debt dollars; the social infrastructure crumbling; healthcare reform; inevitable defeat in Afghanistan; pensions and mass unemployment — at least Obama is keeping the U.S.’s tobacco industry afloat.

French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, who attended a meeting with Obama at the White House last week was astounded at the level of smoke in the Oval office: “Sarkozy is not a big guy and we actually lost him at one point under the smoke from the cigarettes and ashtray. We had to get a secret service dude to open the window so we could find the French guy. In the end we found him cowering behind a chair. It was a hectic 25 minutes I tell you,” another aide, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, divulged.

The new non-compulsory scheme will be unveiled by the unelected Soviet leader, Comrade Brown, next week where he will outline the offences that will be applied if anyone is caught without their papers and ID in all sectors.

“Your papers please”

“This non-compulsory scheme will make it a non-compulsory offence to not carry an ID card issued to you by the state. You do not have to have your ID with you at all times, but if you are caught without one you will be committing an offence,” the new Commissar for Stasi Security, Comrade Johnson announced.

Since the honourable discharge of Commissar Smith, there has been a concerted effort by the Labour hierarchy to present a more friendly image to the process of controlling proles.

In Other News

Retinal scans in sector 12b were halted yesterday due to a problem with the machine. Proles who work and live in the sector must be prepared to wait in long queues to enter the sector and must have their fingerprints and ID cards on their person or they will be arrested in a non-compulsory way and detained indefinitely.

We must remind proles that any thoughtcrimes or even thoughts of thoughtcrimes will be sniffed out and the offenders sent to re-education camps.

Congratulations to 8 year old, Beryl Honeywell (Sector 34), who reported her mother and father for thoughtcrimes against the state. They were also guilty of committing terroristic acts against the Soviet people by not purchasing the correct amount of carbon credits for the year. The two terrorists were detained yesterday and will spend the next 42 years breaking rocks in a gulag somewhere in sector 101.

Speaking from Westminster, the Prime Minister offered his full support to the Iranian people: “The Iranians are very brave in trying to get rid of their unelected leader who has hijacked their country and is running it into the ground with his tin pot dictatorial ideas. This mad man has caused economic chaos and serious problems to the Iranian people and world at large. He is an unelected dictator and I personally commend the brave fighters who resist this unjust charlatan who has somehow shoehorned himself into the post.”

Mr Brown has also made it known to the unelected leadership of Iran that he intends to support the people who oppose the dictatorship currently in government.

“It is an utter disgrace that an unelected leader with no mandate can sneak his way into office and hold a whole country to ransom. This unelected Iranian president has also seen fit to hold on to power through any means possible. How cowardly and reprehensible is that?” Mr Brown added.

GOP Headquarters was buzzing all of yesterday because Sarah Palin was in town from Alaska to spearhead the new image re-think that is so desperately needed and will revolutionise the Republican party forever.

“We’re going to change our mascot. It is time for a re-branding session and I’ve been speaking to our GOP representatives and telling them that we need to change the animal from an elephant to a moose. Someone even suggested a dead moose, like its legs akimbo in the air. I think that will symbolise our great party right there. After eight years of Dubya rule, that’s what we got. I shoot moose all day here in Wasilla and we eat moose meat all the time. My family lives and breathes moose, so we need to get more moose mascots. They make a great soup, you just drop that moose meat right in the pot and you got yourself a hot broth for those cold dark winter nights. If you walk into our dining room you will see about thirty moose heads on the wall. We even named the suckers, each and every one of those moose on the wall has a name. My favourite is Obongo, yep, and then there’s John Mack who was a really old one I shot last winter, and then we got Letterman as well, oh, that’s not a moose I forgot, it’s the actual head of David Letterman right there on the wall. All GOPers are welcome to come up to Alaska and we’ll put you up for a night or two, but if you’re a male we have to warn you. There will be no sneaking into our daughters rooms. Well, there you go, we should change the mascot to a moose and that folks is my daily moose rant of which there are many. I’ve even fashioned a Prada coat from a moose pelt so they’re useful for everything. We don’t have elephants in America, they only have them in the country of Africa, at least that is what I learned in school..so let’s stick with the good ol’ North American moose folks. We got shitloads of those, that is, until it’s hunting season.”

Mrs Palin has already commissioned a top advertising agency from Chicago to redesign the logo for the Republican party.

The new mascot will be officially unveiled next week and will also include a campaign planning session for the upcoming 2012 elections when Sarah Palin will run for US presidency.

Officials for Obama’s city makeover team were in a jubilant mood today because they have one of their first jobs coming up — the city of Detroit.

“We’re going to do the Obama makeover for this city right here. OK, now look in that direction over there. What do you see? Yep, that’s right, shacks, burnt out buildings, burnt out cars and rows of empty homes with repo signs outside. Well, after we do the Obama makeover this shit ain’t going to be here anymore. OK boys bring out the dozers!” Ed Hurlahee, senior Obama City Makeover Tzar announces on Fox News.

The plan is to bulldoze all of Detroit’s 143 square miles leaving only one building standing — the GM building.

Once the bulldozers have completed their job, the rubble will be crushed and in some cases dynamited into little pieces.

“We needed expert advice on bulldozing whole cities, so who better to ask then the Israelis. We’ve flown over a contingent of Israeli experts because they’re so efficient in bulldozing and erasing whole Palestinian cities and towns,” Mr Hurlahee added.

The team of bulldozers, which number over 20,000, will bulldoze and dynamite their way through the whole city in less than half an hour.

“There may be a few people left in Detroit but we will give them ample time to leave,” he said.

According to Obama’s appointed city planners, if you stand on the General Motors’ Renaissance Center tower in the middle of Detroit and look out for ten miles in each direction, all you will see is crushed rubble.

“It will be a vast improvement to what is here in Detroit at the moment,” say officials.