There was hell to pay in the Obama household this week when Michelle Obama was alerted to the new President’s ogling of young females at the G8 conference in Italy.

White House aides had to at one point clear away broken furniture and a damaged portrait of Abraham Lincoln after Mrs Obama caught wind of the photographs in the media.

“Poor Barack, he was jus’ lookin’ at some white booty but Michelle put the smack down. After they came back from Italy, he was sitting at his desk in the Oval room with his feet up relaxin’ and she came up behind and slapped him so hard round the noggin that he started to cry like a lil baby. Secret service boys were ordered to stand by because they have no jurisdiction on domestics. Last we saw before we were told to leave was Michelle grabbing the boy by the scruff of the neck and ramming the Washington Times into his open terrified mouth,” a White House staffer told Reuters.

Since the Obama’s have come back from Italy they have been holed up in the White House undergoing crisis talks say aides.

“Obama is not Bill Clinton. He ain’t no ‘comeback kid’, uh uh, not like Bill was. Michelle
don’t suffer fools gladly and ain’t no Hillary who lets her man get away with sleeping with all the floozies. I seen Michelle beat Barack over the head on the campaign bus more than once, especially when he got his lines wrong in rehearsals. What Barack must be going through now I don’t even want to know, poor bastard,” the Reverend Elijah. D.
Sharpton III, said on the Larry King show.

“You just can’t win against these buggers. If they’re not shooting at foreigners, they’re shooting at themselves. It’s in their blood. Don’t forget about the terrain as well, it’s a situation where certain defeat is guaranteed. Our commanders have been foolish with being suckered into this invasion again, look what happened to the Russkies? We did not learn in Iraq either,” Sir John MacFraser told an MOD hearing into the state of the conflict on Friday.

During the retreat from Kabul in 1842, the British retreating troops were massacred at the Gandamak pass. They had left Kabul with 16,500 men,  but only managed to reach Jalalabad with less than 40 men. One of the only surviving members, Dr. William Brydon, an assistant surgeon in the British East India Company was hailed as the only European to have survived the massacre.

They just never learn

It seems the futility of the second Afghan campaign has still not been absorbed by the egotistical and foolish hierarchy who have no understanding of history or of indigenous peoples.

“The stupid morons who ordered British troops into Afghanistan are simply doing this for their egos and nothing else. There is nothing to gain in this campaign and they will just pass the buck onto the next administration who will probably carry on with it.  Foolish pride has thus far not solved anything in the rugged terrains and cold mountain passes of Afghanistan, where the Brits are sitting ducks to the huge IED’s and ambushes. The only way we can win this war is if we nuke the whole of Afghanistan and start again, or kill every man, woman and child one by one. That’s not going to happen is it?” Sir John MacFraser added.

The Health and Safety board will be dismantled after a recent Parliamentary White Paper put through the House of Lords found the Labour Stasi unit to be “unsafe and extremely hazardous” to the public.

Speaking to ITN News, head of the Common Sense Ministry in Whitehall, Sir Ludwig Sane, outlined the main reasons for the final curtain being pulled on Health and Safety: “Frankly we’ve had enough. They’re f*cking bonkers. You can’t even get out of bed these days without some trumped up overpaid shister in a white coat and a hardhat running over to you and telling you to stay in for the day. They’re now stopping people crossing the roads, walking on pavements and looking up into the sky.”

Last week the Labour government tried to increase Health and Safety units already covering the whole of Britain to cover Northern Ireland and the rest of the British Isles.

“We are increasing our numbers every day and soon Britain will be a complete Health and Safety zone so that we can have even more control over your hazardous lives. No one can stop our Health and Safety ways. No one! Not even the Squib!” Deputy to the Head of Health and Safety, Roger Yarwood boasted to our paper.

Labour Stasi ministers were said to be furious with the plans to kerb their flagship bureaucratic nonsensical waste of money body and have vowed to fight the common sense ruling to ban Health and Safety indefinitely.

Before this article was written, a Health and Safety officer attempted to stop me from typing on the keyboard. He was led into the Daily Squib office toilets and his head dunked in the toilet bowl repeatedly by the chief editor and a load of Squib staff writers. It is safe to say that we won’t see him and his Health and Safety again for awhile.

The 12 year old boy who has not been named yet, has made the extraordinary claim to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office and also filed a lawsuit against the Jackson estate.

“According to the boy he was with his family on a tour when the group were shown Jacko’s room in Neverland. He claims that a shadow came out of the wall and started to do bad things to him. We asked him how he knew it was Jackson, well, he said the ghost had one white glove and moonwalked across the floor before attempting to molest the boy. There were also witnesses to the whole sordid affair and even a photograph,” the Sheriff’s Deputy, Jordy Culkin was quoted in the LA Times.

Since the incident, the Neverland Tour has been suspended, and paranormal investigators have been called in. There are even plans to bring in an exorcist to try and rid the place of the moonwalking molester.

The ghostly molestation has seriously affected the boy who is now receiving councilling and his parents are very angry that no one warned them of Jackson.

“This is a terrible awful event which has affected us all. Jacko was not happy with molesting little boys in real life and now he’s doing it from beyond the grave? What a sick f***er!” the boys father told TMZ.