“We need to open up even more tanning salons across the UK so that people can benefit from these treatments,” Balthazar Smith, head of the think tank dedicated to the cause of encouraging better techniques in population processing told the Daily Squib.

The tanning salons which have been a staple of all British towns and cities are now a part of the country’s fabric.

To walk down any British High Street you would be at odds to see anyone who does not have a deep orange hue plastered all over their faces.

Tanning is so prevalent that many addicts are now permanently orange with little chance of ever regaining their original skin colour. The most prominent of all of celebrities to adopt the tanning machines is of course the leader of the orange pack, Katie Price, who has even installed tanning booths in all of the rooms in her Essex mansion.

“One must realise that the people who gravitate towards these tanning machines and salons are the ones who will benefit most from the effects of these machines. We therefore need more tanning salons to be built in all of Britain’s towns and cities to speed up the processing of these people. It is a very efficient and subtle way of treating them of their conditions and hastening their demise,” Mr Smith added.

Let us hope that more and more tanning salons are built across the UK, it is obvious that they are a much needed service and will help in purging some of the detritus from society.

You too comrade could be utilised as one of our “covert human intelligence sources” who report thoughtcrimes to us.

Anyone
who photographs or videos citizens bad mouthing our supreme unelected leader; protesting the enormous taxes; dealing in extra rations or cursing the great leader when filling up their Lada will receive a sugar or chocolate extra ration reward.

‘See them, report them’

“We need your eyes and ears to help us wipe out thought-crime.” a local Council Stasi chief in Sector 61 urged on Monday.

The local Stasi council scheme has encouraged many across our great Soviet state to report any who have been found to be traitors to the supreme unelected Comrade’s Ten Year Plan New Era of Change.

Children are the key to supplying the Politburo and Stasi with information on thoughtcrime offences and there has been a vast increase in prosecutions.

Ealing Stasi Council, in Sector 23, employs hundreds of Junior Streetwatchers, aged between 5 and 10.

Harlow
Stasi Council, in Sector 38, employs 258 Street Scene Champions, aged between 6
to 14 who are encouraged to report thoughtcriminals, proles who think for themselves, protestors who support democracy and other offences.

Crawley Stasi Borough Council, in Sector 87, has 1,500 Streetcare Champions who are asked to “report on individuals if known”.

Other
local Stasi authorities recruit adult Soviet volunteers and at least 8,454,841 people
are already patrolling the streets in their spare time.

Thoughtpolice volunteers are
assigned code numbers, which should be used when ringing the Stasi council informer’s hotline.

Last
week 8-year-old, Jamie Hanley, sector 89b, successfully reported his father, mother, brother and two sisters for speechtcrime offences after they called the supreme unelected leader Comrade Brown “a stupid one eyed c*nt” during a televised Soviet address announcing a cut in workers pay and an increase in taxes and working hours. Thanks to brave Jamie Hanley, these traitors to the state will spend the next 42 years in a gulag somewhere in Northern Soviet Britain. Jnr. Comrade Hanley was awarded extra sugar rations and on the orders of Comrade Brown himself, he was also awarded an extra ration of cabbage soup every month for the next year.

Whitehall has finally backed down and ordered thousands of shiny new helicopters from Russia says a key government insider.

“Gordon Brown has finally backed down to the immense pressure to buy more helicopters. There is only one slight problem. They’re not for the army in Afghanistan but for Labour ministers to be evacuated from the crowds of people who want them dead. Gordon will have his own private helicopter and will spirited away to his dacha in Scotland somewhere,” the Whitehall insider revealed to the Daily Squib.

Army chiefs were said to be red with fury at the news that Labour ministers and peers were going to utilise the much needed helicopters earmarked for Afghanistan.

“Those bloody cowards may think they can nick our helicopters but we’re going to have the last laugh. We’ve got a few surface to air missiles that should solve this issue once and for all. No amount of chaff will stop what we’ve got,’ Major General Jannett told the Daily Squib.

No one knows where the disgraced Labour government and ministers will go but as long it is outside the UK, the British population can rest assured that they will not be seen for many decades or hopefully ever again.

“First thing Sarah asked me was ‘Are there any moose or elk in California?’ I said ‘no, but we got coyotes and a shitload of liberal do-gooders,’ well, she laughed and accepted the job,” the soon to be ex-governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger told the LA Times on Thursday.

Senior GOP members have confirmed Palin’s move and will make it official next week via the news networks.

Sarah Palin, who recently quit as governor of Alaska, is raring to go to California and sort out the deficit once and for all.

“I won’t be able to see Russia from California but the move might be able to expand my geographical knowledge some. I heard that California is quite near to Mexico, or is that Cuba? They got commies there I heard in one of those countries. It’s going to be quite a change I tell you. I plan on raising money for the empty coffers by declaring war on Washington and extending hunting season,” Sarah Palin was quoted as saying on the Fox News network.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been dogged by the state of the Californian economy since his election will be glad to get away from it all. He plans on spending his retirement at his mansion nursing his wounds after a failed governorship that has blighted the states chances of recovery.

Sarah Palin, say some politicos in Washington, will probably be using her time as California’s new governor as a stepping stone for the 2012 election when she hopes to be elected as the United States’ first ever female president.

Speaking from Bagram military base deep in Parwan province, General Sir Jock Strap told the BBC: “We need more helicopters so that we can transport more troops towards the killing fields. Once they get there it’s usually a quick process, either they’re blown up by a mine or IED; or gunned down in an ambush.”

British deaths in Afghanistan are currently being realised at a rate of 10 a day. When the delivery of troop transporting helicopters materialises, the death toll for British troops will rise even further. Some experts are even predicting 20 deaths per day.

Gordon Brown was adamant that there would be more helicopters delivered to the dangerous region soon so that the British soldiers can be butchered by the Taliban quicker.

“We are listening to the people on the ground and they say they need more helicopters in the unwinnable Afghan war. Well, we have obliged and are now borrowing some helicopters from the Kazakhstan army and this should speed up the casualty lists in this futile, pointless campaign,” the prime minister said from Chequers.

The deadly production line of British troops delivered to the Taliban will run smoother once the helicopters are put into service.

“We are winning the war of terror by dying in greater numbers daily. Our mission is to fly in the helicopters, get to a Taliban infested area (99% of Afghanistan) then get shot or blown up. It’s quite a simple mission and we are committed to the mission,” private John Smithers, 22, of the Irish Royal Guards Regiment told the BBC before he was killed the next day.