The man-hating harpy, Harriet Harman, today spoke of her disgust of all men in government and the City.

“I want all these snivelling men to be emasculated, they should all have their balls removed because they’re men. Once that happens, we can get our sisters to rise up once and for all and take what is rightly ours. The world will then be a fairer place for us to live and there will be no more wars, just discussions about whose wearing what and what kind of eyeliner is better. There will be no more economic crisis, because we shall all be at Brent Cross shopping with limitless credit cards, there shall be no more of those chauvinist pigs leching over our bodies because the men will not have any of their balls. Instead they shall be our slaves. We shall rise up sisters after many centuries of persecution and chaos, we shall take power and save the planet from their testosterone laden disease.”

Ms Harman who is currently overseeing the running of the country because prime minister Gordon Brown is away on holiday at his dacha in Grimsby, is on the warpath as the Minister for Women and Equality and even plans on changing her surname to ‘Harperson’ to show her PC credentials.

“I am going to change my name from ‘Harman’ to ‘Harperson’ because every time I see or hear that name it is like being raped by one of those chauvinist pig men. I hate men, can you imagine having a ‘man’ in your surname? Oh, the irony. I blame my father who was of course a bloody man. Well, from now on call me Harperson, or why not just call me Harpy.”

It has been another roller-coaster week in a
life that even the most far-fetched fiction writer would not invent for the 33 year old ‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman.

First there was the incident with a traffic cop on the Interstate 405 when Octomom was stopped for speeding, but during the stop she grabbed the policeman and would not let go until he let her off the ticket. Witnesses said that the policeman was crying after being held by the Octomom for more than 45 minutes.

“She had a vice like grip, like it was somekind of glue or something. I’ve never seen an LAPD cop cry like that. He was pleading for his life. Octomom had grabbed him by the testicles and was squeezing so hard his eyes were literally bulging. He let her off the speeding ticket and drove off swerving all over the place, poor bastard,” Jonah Hanson, 45, told the LA Times.

Then on Thursday, there was a further incident that was caught live on TV.

The Octomom squirted CBS’ Julie Chen in the face with black ink when she dared asked the Octomom some questions she did not like. The CBS interview for the Early Show was also filmed by a British production company who have been following the daily life of ‘Octomom’.

“Julie Chen asked her if she was exploiting her eight children and pursuing lucrative television deals by using them to make money. Octomom looked at Jule Chen, then lifted her skirt and squirted the anchor with a dark black liquid, it was like a real octopus squirting black ink to escape predators. Filming was shut down immediately and the Octomom was led out of the studio by security guards,” one of the production crew recalled.

According to marine biologists, the Octomom acted like a real octopus does in it’s own habitat when threatened by a predator.

“An octopus sometimes squirts a unique substance called ink into the
water. It does this when it needs to defend itself from predators such
as seals, whales, and sharks. The Pacific giant octopus, like
many other kinds of octopus, may squirt ink to make the water dark.
That way, a predator can’t see the octopus escape. At other times, the
inky cloud serves as a decoy. The cloud actually looks like the octopus
itself. As the predator attacks the decoy, the real octopus makes its
getaway! This is what the ‘Octomom’ did in these circumstances and must have felt threatened by Julie Chen’s questions so she squirted the co-anchor in the face thus making a quick exit. We’re still looking into which orifice the black ink like substance was squirted from. Julie Chen was covered from head to toe with the black liquid which also stank to high heaven,” Professor Janice Lieber, head of Marine Biology at the California Institute of Marine Studies told the LA Times.

The documentary will be aired in October and is set to make the ‘Octomom’ very rich.

The adventures of Octomom have held the American public’s imagination and everyday there are updates on her whereabouts and escapades, but there is a warning to any folks who get on the wrong side of the Octomom, watch out, you can get squirted.