There have been rumblings of discontent in the expert industry which dominates the world’s mainstream media.

Many experts are now agitated at the astounding level of expertise being released from experts worldwide. The Labour government in the UK is leading the push into the expert industry and is increasing expert advice in all media forms daily.

“We’ve got a surplus of experts at the moment who are doling out increased levels of expertise that has frankly exhausted the public’s taste for expert expertise. Open any mainstream newspaper or magazine and you will be inundated with experts. I’ve never seen so many bloody experts blabbering on and on with expert knowledge that is 99% of the time completely f*cking useless,” Professor Gerald McManus, an expert on experts at the University of Scunthorpe told a panel of experts yesterday.

Expert Solutions

Worldwide experts in all fields of expertise are now demanding more rights to spout more expert advise to all and sundry.

“We are petitioning the Association of Experts, Expertise and Experting to push down peoples throats more expert knowledge. Maybe compulsory orders so people have to listen to our expert advice daily. We are experts in our field so we should be listened to. Our expertise is something that should not be ignored and should be adhered to by all. We are here to guide you through your meaningless lives where you cannot think for yourselves and have no understanding of how things work. We are your experts and will tell you how to do everything. Please just sit back and listen to our expert advise, you don’t even need to think, just listen,” Joel Hamer, an expert in shoehorns and 18th century shoelaces told the BBC.

“I can finally be put out of my misery,” the glum prime minister told a commons meeting at lunchtime.

There is a big queue of cabinet ministers and ex-cabinet members who are vying for the coveted role of assisting Gordon in escaping the morose moribund state of being himself.

“We’ve got thousands of people applying for the job to snuff out Gordo. He wants to go out quick, maybe with a revolver or an axe, but he has asked to not make it too messy,” a Number10 aide told the BBC.

Mr Brown is known to the British people as the most detested and vilified prime minister in the history of politics.

The prime minister’s assistant told a BBC news crew today: “We’d televise it if we could but it’s going to be done in one of the backrooms in 10 Downing Street and behind locked doors. Gordon has been begging to be put out of his misery once and for all and will do anything to escape the hell that he has created in Britain today and of living with the memory of being himself.”

Some commentators have however questioned the prime minister’s plans for assisted suicide: “We understand this is the most humane way of putting Gordo out of his misery, but we think he deserves to stick around in the Britain he’s created a little while longer to suffer along with all the millions of other Britons who have to live here. Why does he get a ticket out of here? Let the bugger serve his term.”

“Surely there is a letter missing when describing Gordon Brown as a ‘cut’, does anyone know what that letter could be?” an ex-Labour cabinet minister told the BBC.

Gordon Brown finally admitted today at a press conference that he was a ‘cut of the highest order’ and therefore should be viewed as a ‘cut above the rest’.

“It’s quite, seeemples really…Gordo’s a ‘cut’ and one only has to look at his face and utter the word ‘cut’, you know, like you’re a director or something. In fact, if you were a director and Gordo was the leading man as it were, you’d yell ‘cut’ before he left his bloody trailer. Wouldn’t want his ugly morose face on your set would you?” Budd Dwyer, an old friend of the prime minister’s told an ITN news crew mid afternoon.

Remember folks, Gordo promised us all about being a ‘cut’ and that he was adverse to being one, that is until he had to admit to his ‘cuttish’ party that he really was a ‘cut’ and that every lying promise he made was now on the ‘cutting floor’ of ‘cuts’ and there was nothing any ‘cut’ could do about it.

Mr Brown announced muskets and cannon balls to deal with the improvised explosive
devices (IEDs), snipers, ambushes, rocket attacks, suicide bombers and truck bombs that have killed and wounded so many British soldiers.

He visited troops at Camp Clusterfuck in Hellhole province and thanked them for
their efforts in being ‘cannon fodder of the highest order’.

Mr Brown travelled by helicopter with Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Strap, Chief of the
Defence Staff, and had talks with senior commanders including US commander
General Bernard McScheisse.

The Prime Minister said: “Let me pay tribute to the sacrificial offerings, selflessness, lemmingness, and brainwashing of our cannon fodder.

“The mission in Afghanistan is a worthless job thought up by bureaucrats in some Whitehall office where we really do not have a plan or mission but are simply flailing in the dark to save our self-serving egos.

“I think our cannon fodder have shown extraordinary courage in being massacred on a daily basis during this period.

“I present to them these muskets from 1842, to show our commitment to them in their selfless sacrifice as cannon fodder.”

Mr Brown unveiled the old muskets to deal with the threats facing British cannon fodder on the ground to cheers from the poor blighters who would later be blown to pieces on some arid dusty field somewhere.

This autumn, 200 specialist cannons and 5000 muskets will be deployed to join 200 muskets
that were sent there earlier in the year.

“This way when our lower rank cannon fodder rush at the enemy hiding in the mountains, they will be shredded and blown to pieces faster because the muskets have to be loaded manually for each shot. It can take up to three minutes to reload one of these muskets and by that time if you are still standing you would be lucky,” Colonel Charlie Grimsdale, 2nd Battalion The Duke of Doncaster’s Regiment told the BBC.

“This is the clincher. Our secret weapon is actually a plant. It’s got one eye and a vicious temperament. Everything this thing does is a gift for us. Everything this thing touches turns to poo. Yes, you’ve guessed it. It’s Gordo. For the Conservative party, he is actually the best thing that ever happened to us. And not only has he ensured we get elected, he has also ensured that the Labour party is not elected again for the next 50 years minimum, or ever,” the Sherry quaffing Tory MP, Ronald Beastley Didlington, proudly bristling in his pinstripe told the Times.

Indeed, without the superior level of disaster and horror brought on by the unelected one-eyed Scot, Britain would have been in better shape to cope with the recession and maybe Gordo would have had a chance at an election — that is if he did not chicken out again.

The Prime Minister is a one-man walking holocaust on this country and his policies of waste, inefficiency, stupidity and cowardice have ensured that millions of Britons will be stuck with his debts for many generations.

“Brown alone has committed every British person for many generations to extreme poverty and unemployment saddled with £1.6 Trillion of toxic debt. He has bankrupted the country about ten times over. Only someone like him could have sold off most of Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market when the price of gold has now surpassed $1000. Only someone like him would soil the memories of the victims of Lockerbie for Libyan oil contracts. Only someone like Brown would ensure, through his scorched earth policies, the inevitable destruction of any green shoots in the economy with his lousy worthless rantings and half-baked dawdling,” an ex-Labour minister who quit in May told the Daily Squib.

According to cabinet insiders, Brown is holed up in his bunker and won’t come out. He is said to be so unstable that he now walks the halls of 10 Downing Street singing Susan Boyle songs dressed like a manic schizoid clown.

“When he’s not throwing fax machines through windows, he’s strangling his PR executives. He’s already gone through six of them in the last two days. I think it’s only a matter of time before they cart him off to one of his own gulags and try to retire this total disaster for Britain. Unfortunately, if they do that before the election, that would mean Labour would have a chance of winning and the Tories are absolutely praying that never happens. Hold on Gordo. Keep up with your magic touch,” Eamon Duncan, political pundit for the Old Statesman wrote on Friday.

But there are ways of making petrol go further. Here are the Squib’s tips on how to cut the cost of fuel

1. Attach a horse or donkey to your car. If you have the money, you can buy 2 or 3 horses and this will mean you will go even faster. The only drawback is that you will need somewhere to keep the horses, but don’t worry, if you do not have a stables you can always convert your living room into a sleeping area with just a little hay and a trough of water.

2. Ride a bicycle. Riding bicycles should not just be the stuff of politicians on PR offensives. You too can ride a bicycle on London’s roads. Don’t worry about safety, after Gordon Brown’s huge tax rises no one will be on the roads with cars anyway so it will be as safe as houses. Drawbacks? You can’t carry a load of shopping from the local supermarket but don’t worry about that because of the high cost of fuel there will be little food in the shops and the little there is will be out of your price range.

3. Lose weight. Every extra 50kg will increase your petrol consumption by an average of 2 per cent, eating food is very overrated anyway and just think how many more miles you will get out of your car if you are an undernourished carcass resembling an Auschwitz victim.

4. Streamline. Leave the kids and wife at home. Let them walk or even better still — they can push the car.

5. Use someone else’s car. Just don’t let the rozzers or owner catch you.

6. Get a job in some bureaucratic government office and you will not need to drive ever again because of the free taxis and chauffeur driven rides.

7. Go and live in America. The Americans pay about 34 pence per litre whereas the Brits pay £1.18.

8. Go and live in Saudi Arabia, the fuel is even cheaper than the US but you will have to put up with no booze, no dirt and no adultery.

9. Avoid rough surfaces. Massive potholes and huge cracked surfaces can increase your fuel consumption by up to 30 per cent – thanks to Gordon Brown’s stellar funding on our roads, you will have a hard time finding any smooth portions of the road.

10. Drive off without paying. If we’re being robbed at the pumps why not turn the tables a bit. Drawbacks are of course going to jail and receiving a criminal record when you are spotted by the millions of CCTV cameras dotting the UK’s streets and petrol stations.