“It will be like a breath of fresh air. No more junk mail and no more bills for a whole week, maybe even a month,” a Lewisham resident, Sam Qwerty, 78, told the Independent.

The brief reprieve in mass junk mail deliveries will ensure a collective sigh of relief across the nation.

“No more credit card bills, council tax demands, gas and electricity, water rates, car tax, car insurance, TV licence tax as well as the useless junk mail trying to sell me things I will never ever need. I used to feel utter fear when I heard the tell-tale noise of letters dropping through my letterbox. Well, thanks to our boys and gals at the Royal Mail we shan’t be having any deliveries for weeks, maybe months..it’s bloody marvelous it is,” Deirdre Hollingsworth, a retired widower struggling on her measly pension said yesterday.

They’re like moths being drawn inexplicably towards the flame; the irresistible urge for British retired holidaymakers to take their luxury yachts into the pirate infested waters off the coast of Somalia is positively captivating.

“As soon as I bought my luxury yacht I had to sail it to the pirate coast of Somalia and be captured by pirates. They shoot me, my wife, our dog and parakeet tomorrow, but boy has it been a trip of a lifetime,” Reginald Merrion, a retired businessman from Surrey, who relayed his final message to a French warship via morse code a few days ago.

Forget about Marbella, the Cote D’Azur or Monaco. Everyone knows the place to be is the Somali coast.

They have untouched beaches where you can be dragged by your hair before you are hidden in a shack for ransom. The cuisine on the Somali Pirate Coast is exquisite, you will be greeted with such delicacies as dog meat, fresh maggots and cold rice. One must not forget the hospitality as well, it will cost you literally an arm and a leg but your life savings will go a long way — until the middle of next week.

“We stayed in 4 star accommodation in the hull of a pirate ship before we had our life savings delivered to the pirates so we could be freed. I’d do it again tomorrow I tell you, the service was excellent and I think I even left them a tip after they shot my wife,” Joseph Hargreaves, 68, a retired airline pilot told the BBC after his release.

“Mr Brown’s twelve year plan for the British economy has worked wonders I tell you,” a jubilant city worker at London’s Canary Wharf told the Economist magazine before jumping headfirst out of a closed sixtieth floor window.

Britain has never had it so good. Everywhere in the streets people praise Gordon Brown for his economic miracle.

“I’ve been through two world wars sonny, and I have to say Gordon is an economic genius. I mean, who would have thought of selling the UK’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market, or saddling the British taxpayer with debts lasting for the next 40-50 years? I’m glad I won’t be around then eh, because it’s going to get a lot bloomin’ worse,” Archie Knebworth, 95, told the Sun newspaper.

Thanks to Brown’s economic miracle and diligence, the gross domestic product has contracted for six consecutive quarters.

Gordon Brown’s Twelve Year Economic plan has also resulted in the economy shrinking 5.9% since his unelected prime ministership began – just 0.1% less than during the downturn of 1979-81.

The pound fell by one cent against the dollar immediately following the release of the data from the Office for National Statistics and is now at it’s lowest point in 15 years.

A member of Gordon Brown’s inner circle reiterated the good news: “This is great news. Britain is going to be in recession for the next forty years thanks to Gordon Brown. We’re printing more money as we speak and everything’s doodle dandy if you ask me. Help!”

The Afghan people have voted and embraced the democracy brought over from the West once and for all.

Speaking from an opium manufacturing plant deep in the Southern part of the country, a Taliban commander was ecstatic at the polls results: “The Americans and British have been great for votes. They just turn up in places, we shoot them up or blow them to smithereens, then the people vote for us. It’s bloomin’ marvellous it is.”

One Western official said: “We are so glad the Afghan people have demonstrated they can vote for the leaders they want to rule them. Granted there was not much choice, it was either having your hands chopped off or voting for the Taliban but this is democracy and we respect that fully.”

Thousands of Taliban party supporters in southern Afghanistan, where they have the greatest
tribal support, have already blocked the streets with massive celebratory parties (without any music) after the astounding election result.

The White House said it was “an incredible moment in Afghan history” for Afghanistan to get a
legitimate government. “This Taliban party win has proved that democracy can work in a backwards tribal country,” said Robert Cribs, Mr Obama’s press
secretary.

The film set in modern day Britain will showcase the famous Royal Mail service that is responsible for the countries postal deliveries.

In the new film, which was filmed in a deserted postal depot in Walthamstow, East London, there are no stars or even cast.

“We’re going to be filming the sacks of post lying in the depot. Panoramic shots of unopened Christmas presents never delivered, and sack loads Christmas cards which were never delivered as well. The stars of the show will be the rats and mice who will be nibbling at the packages amongst the built up dust and cobwebs,” the film’s director, Mason Perdubero told the Mirror newspaper.

The film which will be released in late December will be in 3D and is said to be so engrossing that it may rival anything released by Titanic director James Cameron which will be released at the same time say movie pundits.