“We need more troops on the ground here, it’s like a hellhole, a wasteland,” Arnie Fink, 27, staff Sergeant for 102nd Light Infantry division told Fox news who were reporting from the war torn country.

America, is a war zone with thousands of shootings everyday and they desperately need more troops to quell the unrest in America’s ghettos and streets.

“We’ve been at war for many years now and there is no sign of an exit strategy, when is Obama going to come out with a decision to send more troops to our own goddamn cities?” Jeremy Poindexter, a military analyst from Fort Hood, Texas, told a group of reporters on the front line.

Another 70,000 troops would man and support a new division headquarters
for the national force’s Regional Command (RC) South in El Paso. Some 4,000
additional U.S. trainers are likely to be sent as well, the officials
said.

The first additional combat brigade probably would arrive in Washington D.C. next March, the officials said, with the other three
following at roughly three-month intervals, meaning that all the
additional U.S. troops probably wouldn’t be deployed until the end of
next year. Army brigades number 3,500 to 5,000 soldiers; a Marine
brigade has about 8,000 troops.

Residents of a small town in Arkansas are fed up with the delay for more troops from Obama including Ronald McPherson, 64, a factory worker who told CBS news of his wishes for more troops in American cities: “Instead of murdering people in cold blood in foreign lands we need to do more of that over here because we need to stop the shooters who are going on their rampages. I’m up for shooting Muslims to death in those countries but we got to shoot them on our home turf too. It’s like a skeet shoot or something sometimes. Yesterday I went to the store to buy me a loaf of bread, had to step over about six bodies on the way. C’mon Obama send more troops will you!”

Obama, it seems is under increased pressure to send more troops to deal with the U.S’ domestic crisis rather than creating more war elsewhere.

“I just had another awful f*cking day. I woke up and turned on the telly only to see Gordon Brown’s ugly brute face winking at me like a demented Cheshire cat mumbling about his handwriting or something or rather. Then we received more economic forecasts, X-Factor news bulletins and a dollop of Katie Price shenanigans. I might as well top myself now I tell you,” a resident of Grimtown, Manchester told the UK’s state controlled news service, the BBC, this morning.

If you’re not freezing in your mortgage hell cell block in some urine infested tower block in Lewisham waiting for a winter fuel allowance that will never come, then you’re doing alright. The rest of us just have to put it all on a credit card. Don’t think about tomorrow when you have to pay it all back at 39.5% APR or whatever astronomical amount it is. You can buy your loaf of bread and eat your watery pork fat soup for another f*cking day of misery in Gordon Brown’s grey horrible Britain. Cheer up folks it’s good to be alive, aye there’s another bonus for the bankers as they sit in their ivory towers frittering away our cash on high class prostitutes and cocaine and laughing at the taxpayers.

How about another strike in Gordon Brown’s Britain? Maybe a postal strike or an Underground strike, consider the dustmen as well, they need to strike too and the buses.

Good News

Is Simon Cowell dead yet? Unfortunately not yet mes amis, he continues to pollute the airwaves with the exploitation of young stupid karaoke singers judged by thick talentless c*nts with no remit whatsoever. He may be exploiting these idiots and raking in huge profits, but there is a good thought at the end of it all, he will pass away one day and have to leave all the millions of pounds he has acquired through evil means behind. His material possessions will hurt him more than anyone who detests his very being and soulless plasticity ever could.

More Good News

Gordon Brown will soon be gone. He will be discarded into the anal cavity of historic failure; to rest in abject anonymity and shame. No one will want to remember his unelected tenure because they will be reminded of pain and hurt and utter utter gormless stupidity.

Entrenched within the walls of prison Britain, where the surveillance comes thick and the police sit in their well lit offices writing out endless reports about nothing in particular, you may venture out one day and not worry about losing your spleen to an intoxicated feral 12 year old girl sloshed out of her f*cking brains on alcopops and skunk.

You may one day take a walk and sniff the air of future optimism, but then again, you may wake up and realise that you are still living in Gordon Brown’s Britain and it was all a dream.

What’s the internet going to be like without Fox News, the Sun and the Times? How will people be able to live without the daily rants of the Murdoch empire’s newspapers?

The terrible news that Rupert Murdoch is planning to charge people to view his newspapers online came as an utter shock to many.

Can you imagine anyone paying to view a single page of Fox news or the Sun?

The biggest disappointment of all was finding out that there would not be any Sun slideshows available anymore for free. One of the Daily Squib staffers was inconsolable: “I first read the news that the old lizard wanted to get everyone to pay for his newspapers on the net. I immediately shouted out the words ‘No more slide show!’ and crumpled down onto the floor in a heap of utter despair.”

Internet readers all over the world were mourning the proposed loss of all Murdoch news online yesterday.

“This is a sad loss for the internet to lose the news from all of Rupert Murdoch’s media outlets being pumped out day after day, second after second. Now we have to work out a way of getting him to take away his hard copy newspapers as well from public circulation. I think if that ever happened there would be celebrations all over the f*cking world,” another avid internet newshound told our reporter.

“We’re training the Afghans in our military techniques and giving away all our secrets so they can shoot us better,” said 1st Lieutenant Jim Jones of the 3rd Infantry Brigadiers regiment.

The Afghans, who are normally taught how to shoot an AK-47 by the age of two, are not in the least phased by the newcomers thinking they can be trained to shoot their own countrymen.

“Here in Afghanistan, if we’re not shooting foreign invaders then we shoot at each other. I don’t think the idiots who come here realise what the rules of the game are,” Abdul Omar, a Mujahadeen fighter, who has been recruited by the local British garrison to shoot some Brits dead, then run off into the night and never be seen again said about the exemplary training facilities.

A British commander was adamant that training the Afghans is a good idea: “We invaded their country, and now we’re training them to shoot us with more accuracy. We also train them up on better bomb making techniques and let them come into our heavily fortified compounds so they can tell their friends about our living habits. It’s all jolly good stuff I tell you. Ah, my tea just arrived.”

Someone is attacked by a Daily Mail headline every 30 seconds in Britain, figures revealed last night.

“Is it safe to come out from under the bed yet?”

After reading the latest stabbing headlines from the Daily Mail, many are so traumatised that they dare not go outside into the seething mass of tortuous hell that is Daily Mail Britain today.

It’s bad enough trying to survive in Gordon Brown’s Britain without having the horrific gruesome fear inducing headlines from the Daily Mail rammed into your brain every 30 seconds.

“I live in perpetual fear. I never put the lights on in my house at night and cower under the kitchen table reading the Daily Mail on my laptop. If it’s not how my house value has dropped by 3,500%, it’s about some nasty vermin feral scum who is waiting outside my door to stab me repeatedly with a six inch kitchen knife. Ooh look! I just refreshed the headline now and it says that I could die soon from cancer if I don’t eat more grapes everyday. Aaargh!” Johnson B. Smythe, 45, from Middle Britain told the Daily Mail.

The true picture of violent Daily Mail stories could be even worse. Some experts
believe that they are getting even more fearful by the day.

“We believe that the stories are getting so incredibly ridiculous that one day the Daily Mail offices might just explode with anguish. It would be quite a sight to behold, all those overpaid Daily Mail bullies all with their already huge heads exploded all over the streets. Quite a sight I tell you,” one of the media experts working on the project divulged.

The man from the Eastern suburb of Chichmaka, Boston, has filed a lawsuit against himself for “hurting my feelings” and “doubting my own judgement”.

Americans are well known for suing everything that moves or offends them in any way, so this latest episode of suing has not come as a surprise to many.

“We sue people for looking at us funny. We sue companies for picking up a hot cup of coffee and feeling the heat. I’ve seen sons and daughters sue their parents for denying them the latest fad toys from China. It’s a part of American life, that and prescription drugs for every ailment under the sun and shootings. Suing and getting whacked out of your head on Ritalin and Codeine whilst waving a sub machine gun around in your highschool canteen is a normal part of American life,” Arthur Emerson, a doctor at Boston’s general hospital told CBS news before being sued by a patient for saving their life.

Lawyers who are working to sue the man say that he should be justifiably angry at himself and they took on the case with eagerness.

“We positively encouraged this young man to sue himself for the hurt he has caused himself. It is an awful situation he is in. He instructed us to sue him for as much as we can get out of the sucker. That’s why we know the courts are going to throw the book at him, and of course it’s going to be ‘Cha Ching’ time for us,” Mr Weasel Slimer of Slimer and Cleaners Law Firm told CBS.