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Octomom to Create Tent City for Her Children

by Stu Pidhunt
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0
Octomom to Create Tent City for Her Children

“I’m feeling an itch in my uterus, I gotta spawn more kids right now!” Octomom, Nadya Suleman, squeals as she squats on her kitchen table and strains her face whilst making grunting noises.

The world famous Octomom has been limbering up to shoot out more sprogs into the media ionosphere of cheap headlines and even cheaper photoshoots.

“This is an incredible moment, she already has 23 kids and she still wants more. She’s not even Catholic we understand but she’s still going to squirt out some more brats. I heard last night that she wants to go for the big ten. Yes, you read that right, the big ten babies all at the same time. They’ll be bursting through her mouth at this rate,” Johnson Arafat, a media commentator for the ABC news network said yesterday.

Refugee camp

Miss Suleman has already planned for the new arrivals and set up some extra tents in her back garden with more latrine holes. The United Nations may also get involved by dropping food rations over the fence as well as basic medical supplies when needed.

“I can’t even afford to feed myself or the rest of my 23 kids but I still want to have more kids damn it! I’m appealing to all Americans to support me and send me a few dollars so I can have the strength to have more f*cking babies,” the Octomom said on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Luckily for her, the staff in the Daily Squib office had a whip round and came up with enough money for the Octomom to get herself irreversibly sterilised.

Revealed: Why the Incas Built Runways for Alien Ships

by Stu Pidhunt
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1
Revealed: Why the Incas Built Runways for Alien Ships

“We can reveal for the first time why the Incas saw fit to build runways for aliens to land on nearly 2000 years ago,” professor Murray Walker, told National Geographic.

After extensive digging within the Nazca desert, the team finally found evidence that revealed the true reason the magnificent Incan people built runways.

According to the team, the Incans were so whacked out on cocaine and hallucinogenic drugs that they started to build these massive runways expecting imaginary aliens to visit them.

“Say you’re whacked out on the purest goddamn white powder this earth has ever produced, shit I’d be building runways too. Then, maybe you have a few doses of peyote as well, sheeeit, I’d be seeing aliens flying all over the place, it only makes sense huh?” the professor added.

Since the discovery of the long runways in the mid 70’s the scientific and archaeological teams scouring this barren area have been astounded and intrigued at the significance of the supposed alien spaceship landing strips.

It was not until three months ago when the team discovered ornate cocaine pipes, vials and even a mural depicting some Incans ingesting huge quantities of drugs that the penny finally dropped.

“We found thousands of crack pipes, and murals depicting the Incans snorting mountains of white powder, it could only be one substance. That’s when we made our biggest discovery — a bag of pure uncut coke. It was like discovering Tutankhamun’s tomb, I knew I had discovered the holy grail of Incan history. These guys made Tony Montana look like Mother Theresa. It was truly incredible. Of course I had to test it out for myself, let’s just say I was seeing stars for a few seconds and it was the best shit I ever snorted in my life. The Incas must have been flying after taking this stuff. Truly awesome I tell you,” professor Walker was quoted as saying.

The British Museum has taken a solid interest in the new finding and are hoping to have an exhibition of the Incan cocaine runways sometime next year.

War Criminal On Lucrative Lecture Circuit

by Stu Pidhunt
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3
War Criminal On Lucrative Lecture Circuit

“We suspect this man, who was complicit in the murder of millions of innocent Iraqis, is still cavorting around the world in private jets and luxury liners,” a reporter for the Independent newspaper said on Tuesday.

Although the evidence presented by the White Wash court in the UK is pretty damning, there are however no plans to prosecute the liar and bring him to justice.

“In this country, we do not prosecute treasonous war criminals. We give them medals, that’s why this dishonourable gentleman will get away with the wicked deeds he has committed and rightly so I say. Everyday in the British courts we let off murderers, knifing maniacs and thugs with a simple caution. Another one on the streets won’t make much of a difference will it?” Lord Phuckah, presiding over the White Wash Inquiry told the Daily Mail yesterday.

Celebrities Stop Farting to Curb Global Warming

by Stu Pidhunt
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1
Celebrities Stop Farting to Curb Global Warming

“It doesn’t matter that countries like China, India and America are pumping out huge amounts of toxic pollution into the earth’s atmosphere; we believe by not farting and reusing our shopping bags we can save the world too,” Bob Geldof, told a panel of scientists at Geneva’s annual Climate Change exhibition sponsored by Monsanto.

The concerted celebrity initiative will be similar to Live Aid and Live Earth, which helped fund a few African Ministers’ lavish lifestyles for a little while in the Eighties and later; as well as massage the egos/careers of the pop stars involved in the scam.

The fact that Ethiopia and most of East Africa never got out of extreme poverty and famine is neither here nor there, it looked good at the time and launched many pop careers off the suffering of starving poor black people.

“Every fart is a deadly weapon for the atmosphere, that’s why I use a plug in my arse and have the methane funnelled into a canister late at night. So far I have stored enough dangerous gaseous emissions from my arsehole to power 500,000 households for a year,” pop star Bono told the BBC.

Pop star Sting has already signed up to the new initiative as well as the likes of Madonna, Katie Price, Tom Cruise, the Beckhams and Jedward.

There are also plans for the gaseous emissions from celebrities mouths to be re-distributed and recycled.

“Most of the useless and dangerous gasses come from the mouths of the celebrities, in fact, their mouths and arses are pretty much the same thing, so there’s absolutely no difference there,” senior research scientist, Eduardo Paolozzi, told the Economist magazine.

Spooky Belgian EU President Now Controls the UK

by Stu Pidhunt
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4
Spooky Belgian EU President Now Controls the UK

No one knows much about the new EU president who was hailed as the new unelected EU leader today but the information gleaned about him is enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in terror.

“This guy makes pope Benedict look like a boy scout. Mr Van Rompuy is said to have secret catacombs underneath his dwelling in the Belgian countryside where he indulges in all manner of deviancies. He is reputed to be part of a secretive society that indulges in activities that author Dan Brown would love to write about in his books. He is certainly the right unelected man to head the EU communist state which now dictates all laws in Britain and controls it economically,” Peter Holbrook, an economic analyst for Deutsche Bank told the BBC.

Fourth Reich

Many who were watching the screens as this evil paedo clown was installed, shrieked with utter fright at his face and some even had to turn away when the cameras showed his awful features.

“Certainly, this new unelected EU leader makes my skin crawl. Whenever they show him on screen, it’s as if they’re clawing long nails on a blackboard such is his repulsive state. God knows what manner of perversions he has been party to and will continue to commit under the auspices of the oppressive EU presidency. I pray for his victims that they’re suffering is not prolonged. God help us all,” Martina Kalashnikov, 23, a resident of Liverpool said after reports of the new unelected EU presidency was announced.

Authentic Chinese Cooking Soon Coming to a Restaurant Near You

by Stu Pidhunt
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1
Authentic Chinese Cooking Soon Coming to a Restaurant Near You

“You may think the MSG laden crap you are used to eating in your local Chinese takeaways is authentic but you are all sadly mistaken. Here in China we eat pretty much everything and what is more, it has to be alive when eaten. This is the freshest way of cooking. We are extending our Chinese traditions to the UK and wish you all to enjoy how we live well in our polluted overcrowded hellhole brutality ridden communist country,” Xian Zamalama Ding Dong, Culture Secretary to the Peoples Republic of China told the State news broadcasting station Xing Ling Ping.

Chinese authorities are sending their best chefs to European countries like Sweden, Britain and Switzerland in a bid to introduce truly authentic Chinese culture. America will also be targeted with the culinary education, as well as Canada says the Ministry.

“They eat meat and boiled potatoes in those Western countries with a few boiled vegetables on the side. Have you ever tried a freshly cooked carp still squirming alive on your plate? Have you ever cooked and eaten a live octopus? How about getting your pooch Fido and sticking him in a bowl of soup? Huh? C’mon now, we’re exporting our culture here, get with the program already,” Mr Ding Dong added.

The Culture Minister has also brought in British TV personality, Stephen Fry, as an aid to promoting Chinese culture to the West.

“For the right price Mr Fry will do anything. We even got him to step away from his yawn inducing Tweeting for more than 20 minutes to film an infomercial on the very subject of cooking and eating animals alive. It was positively enthralling watching Mr Fry lob out those wonderful morsels of vocabulary as a live fish was decapitated and consumed right in front of him. Next week we’ve got Fry doing a special on Chinese dog skinning and the wonders of Chinese pollution,” the Culture Minister said.

The Chinese are eager to export their culture around the world much like the millions of tonnes of pollution they export into the earth’s atmosphere every second of the day.

Why Mineral Rich Afghanistan Had to be Invaded

by Stu Pidhunt
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0
Why Mineral Rich Afghanistan Had to be Invaded

“The vast
deposits of of gold,
cobalt, copper,
iron, and
critical industrial metals like lithium are so big and include so many
minerals that it would have been a crime not to invade the country and
liberate them,” Joel Liebnitz, a Pentagon strategist told CNN.

The land of
Afghanistan is now earmarked to be completely opened up and mined so
that all that will be left will be a massive canyon crater with nothing
left.

“Let’s face it,
this place is a goddamn shit hole anyway. If we dig a few holes here and
there, the dumbass sheep herders ain’t gonna notice much. Hell, those
fuckers are so strung out on poppy juice they don’t realise we now own
this here place,” colonel Robert McNamara, stationed in Sangin told the
BBC.

The Russians knew about the deposits in the 1980’s as did
the British before they were unceremoniously kicked out of the country.
Now the Americans and British mining companies are back, and after the
Iraqi oil well bonanza, the Afghan mineral fields will reap many rewards
for the Western governments.

Britney Spears Mimes in the Shower as Well as Stage

by Stu Pidhunt
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4
Britney Spears Mimes in the Shower as Well as Stage

Britney Spears is so bad at singing that she has installed state of the art miming machinery in her Hollywood shower rooms so she can lip-sync to her hit songs which she never sang in the first place, members of her household maintenance staff have told US Gossip site TMZ.

“Not only does she mime on stage whilst performing to idiots who pay huge amounts of cash to her, but she is such a bad singer with no talent whatsoever, that she has now installed a state-of-the-art Autotune microphone system in her shower so when she bleats her awful out of tune voice in the shower, it just about sounds passable and in tune,” the source said.

Britney Spears who has modelled her career on lip-syncing, usually sells out concert venues with idiots who come to watch her mime to autotuned vocals.

Conchita Marin, one of the pop star’s staff told of how Britney spent $140,000 on the shower singing machine: “She brought in audio experts to install the machines that would make her sing in the shower without breaking the windows. Before, when she sang in the shower we would have to wear earplugs walking around the house, now it sounds barely passable after her processed vocals are put through the machines.”

“It’s like people want to pay huge amounts of money to see this fat crazy faker on stage miming to terrible music and jumping around on stage like a sweaty bloated marshmallow. I’d rather shave my eyeballs with rusty razors and drill bits into my ears then attend one of her concerts,” Britney’s long suffering dad told CNN yesterday.

Brown Finally Wins a By-election

by Stu Pidhunt
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6

“I’ve never worked a day in my life and there was no way in hell I would vote for anyone else than Labour. What, and lose my disability benefits, council tax benefits and four bedroom house?” Jock McFartle, told the Guardian whilst playing a round of golf in Glasgow’s premier golf club.

Glasgow has the highest rate of people on benefits in the UK where many households have never had anyone in the house work a day in their lives.

Deep Fried Mars Bars

“I get up in the morning, have a drink, some fags and then it’s off to the post office to pick up my giro of £3,500 per week and then straight down to the pub. At about sixish, I return home and switch on my taxpayer funded 47 inch state-of-the-art plasma television and order a few takeaways and more fuckin’ booze,” Alistair Wallace, 58, who has never worked a day in his life told the New Scotsman newspaper.

Under Labour’s government, the welfare culture is such a big part of Glasgow’s lifestyle now that the key voters for the election were people who did not want to lose their benefits.


“This is a winning strategy for Labour, they will use the leeches in Britain’s society who have everything paid for by people who work. Those benefit scum who are called ‘useless eaters’ and are no use to anyone; are not only a burden on taxpayers but a vote winner for Labour. Gordon Brown’s government does not value anyone who works for a living, instead they are taxed out of existence. Gordon Brown’s Labour does not value families that work and contribute but instead values the dysfunctional chav detritus who breed indiscriminately and spawn the next generation of dangerous feral killer thugs addicted to benefits, who will never offer anything to society other than chaos,” a man from Glasgow, who works and did not vote for Labour, told the New Scotsman.

Now we know why Gordon Brown had a big smile on his face after finally winning a by-election. The unelected prime minister knows that Britons who are addicted to the welfare culture brought in by Labour, would never throw away their parasitic lifestyles by voting for anyone else.

Katie Price Received Daily Brain Botox Injections Before Jungle Show

by Stu Pidhunt
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0
Katie Price Received Daily Brain Botox Injections Before Jungle Show

The famous British author, Katie Price, who has penned over thirty books but never actually read them, has been receiving daily botox injections into her brain cavity from one of Hollywood’s most sought after celebrity plastic surgeons.

The pioneering technique was developed solely for celebrity trash who are addicted to the botulism injections that destroy their faces irreversibly.

“I developed this for the stupid f*cks who come to my surgery who have more money than sense. This limey broad with rock hard balloons for t*ts and a set of lips that look like sausages comes into my office and asks for more botox in her already bloated face. I just see dollar signs and a way to give this broad some of the karma she deserves back, like defacing herself so she looks like a mushroom head. Well, I came up with injecting botox into her skull with an IV drip linked up to a monster f*cking pump,” Doctor Corey Hymen, told the LA Times.

The botox was pumped into Katie Price’s brain sometimes twice a day in an effort to rejuvenate her youthful thought process, at least that is what the doctor told her.

“Her IQ borders on the retarded anyway, so I told her that injecting botox into her frontal cortex and cerebellum, could in effect increase her low intelligence levels to that of a dog or a cat. She just handed me more cash and I plugged the syringe straight in. Once that sh*t sets, her tiny brain is gonna be like f*cking concrete,” the foul-mouthed surgeon added.

Katie Price was very happy with the procedure and grunted unintelligibly whilst waving her breasts around wildly on the flight to Australia to start another stint of I’m a Celebrity yesterday.

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