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Urgent Order from Comrade Brown to Support Latest X Factor Act

by Wyatt Gurlz
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19
Urgent Order from Comrade Brown to Support Latest X Factor Act

Speaking from his winter dacha in Grimley, Comrade Brown addressed the people with this urgent message:

“Comrades, proletariat scum, Stasi X Factor chart officials, Politburo Media Controllers, there has been a terrible mistake with the Soviet X Factor controlled charts. When there should be only Soviet approved banal talentless X Factor acts on all 40 positions of the Soviet X Factor karaoke chart, there has been an intruder into the fray. Yes, Rage Against the Machine! This is a vile threat to our good Soviet music which is piped through to you at all hours of the day in your eco-hovels. It is a threat to you because it speaks of Free Thought, Individualism and Un-Soviet beliefs. We must crush all thought and music that is NOT solely controlled by Commissar Cowell. We must crush all that advocate Freedom and Liberty. You will buy the album, the merchandise and the t-shirt. You will watch at every opportunity the plastic soulless faceless talentless c*nt factory that is X Factor. You will obey all orders at all times and buy more of this bromidic vapid X Factor effluent that is daily discharged from Commissar Cowell and presented to the masses to be consumed on a silver platter for his profit. “

After the state broadcast, Comrade Brown ordered Stasi X Factor officials to monitor all proletariat dwellings and to arrest anyone who listens to anything other than approved Soviet X Factor music.

In other news, commendations were given to Julie Everington, 10, from Sector 37B who reported her brother, 12, for listening to Rage Against the Machine last night. Her brother was detained under the Offensive Un-Soviet Music Act 2009 and sent to a re-education camp in Sector 13 for the next 42 years. She received three months worth of sugar rations and an X Factor box set.

We must remind all Soviet British people to observe the X Factor rules and to remember this very important axiom engineered by the abhorrent hack, Commissar Cowell: “If you feed the British people with enough sh*t every day of their pitifully brainwashed lives, they will eventually come to accept it and enjoy it”.

Freed Lockerbie Bomber on Luxury Caribbean Cruise

by Wyatt Gurlz
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3
Freed Lockerbie Bomber on Luxury Caribbean Cruise

“This morning he played some shuffleboard with the other ship mates, he’s really quite good you know and had us in stitches when recounting his old bomber days,” first shipman, Arthur Gunther Haines, told the Daily Mail.

After a bountiful buffet lunch, Mr. Megrahi was spotted in the dance class learning the Hokie Cokie. He then attended the karaoke bar for a spot of singing where his rendition of Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’ received wild applause from the party crowd.

“Tomorrow we’re disembarking in Antigua for a few days of sun, sea and wild sex. I’ve heard the beaches are fantastic, and the local girls are a dream to behold. I can’t bloomin’ wait,” Mr. Megrahi said.

The Caribbean cruise will last for three months and Mr. Megrahi says he wants to continue the good times by going on a safari in Kenya next.

“I’m having the time of my life. It beats sitting in a dirty, smelly Scottish jail eh folks,” Mr. Megrahi added before jumping into the luxurious swimming pool teaming with bikini clad lovelies.

Man Tweets During Heart Attack

by Wyatt Gurlz
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0
Man Tweets During Heart Attack

Mr Herlihy was on the way to work in the morning in his car and was just crossing the Brooklyn bridge when the massive heart attack struck.

“I was just crossing the fuckin’ river when I felt this motherfuckin’ huge pain in my chest. I immediately got my iphone out and got onto twitter for an update. I even took a photo of my face as I crumpled up on the floor of my fuckin’ car. It didn’t matter that I was travelling at sixty fuckin’ miles an hour. I got the tweet update in and that’s all I cared about. Even when I ran over that poor bastard in a wheel chair, it still didn’t matter. I couldn’t breathe either, and my vision went blurry, I was still goddamn tweeting,” he said from his hospital bed.

Twitter fans across the globe were today praising Mr Herlihy’s courage and his incredible heart attack tweet.

“They’re calling him the ‘heart attack tweeter’ and the ‘tweetliner’ as opposed to the ‘flatliner,” a twitter commentator told CNN.

The Twitter hashtag, ‘twitattack’ is now extremely popular.

All across the social media site, the tribute accounts were exploding with gushing stories of Ed Herlihy’s heroism.

“The next step is tweeting from the other side. We’ve had someone tweeting during cardiac arrest, we need to have tweets from the after life next huh?” Hubert Manson, a tech expert told Wired Magazine.

Al Gore to Make New Film: ‘A Convenient Untruth’

by Wyatt Gurlz
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1
Al Gore to Make New Film: ‘A Convenient Untruth’

“The first film, ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ was a complete fabrication, so my next movie ‘A Convenient Untruth’ will reveal the lies and fearmongering of the first film that netted me billions of dollars. In the new film I just fess up that I made loads of money off people’s fear and ignorance about climate change,” Mr Gore said from the Copenhagen Climate Change Global Warming Cooling Summit.

Mr Gore who is part of the Sovietization greening movement, is adamant that his lies and deceit are for the good of the general populace.

“One must realise it was in the masses interest to be herded into the Climate Change camp without so much as any real scientific data. We made it all up, like for example the nonsense about a 75% chance that the polar icecaps will melt completely in five or six years time. People ate that shit up and they came and saw the movie. You see I drive only the best Bentleys and Aston Martins because of the sheeple. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have been able to build an extra East Wing onto my vast complex mansion back home. I thank the suckers who paid top dollar and were suckered into watching and believing my false fearmongering hype and deceitful lies,” Mr Gore added before re-entering another useless climate discussion where more hot air was released from the ineffectual bureaucrats and policy makers.

‘A Convenient Untruth’ is set to be released in all cinemas nationwide next week.

Berlusconi to Star in New Rocky Movie

by Wyatt Gurlz
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1
Berlusconi to Star in New Rocky Movie

“When I saw Silvio take those punches like it was nothing I thought we got a star in the making right there. Silvio is a natural for the new Rocky project, he can take punches like a true Italian fighter and keep coming back for more,” Sylvester Stallone, said of the Italian PM’s recent punch up after an appearance at a rally.

Silvio will be flown over to the studio in Hollywood next week to be prepped up for the Rocky VII movie that is set to be a box office winner.

“Not one hair on his greased up head was out of place, he took those punches with style man. Wow, I just knew I had to sign him up,” Sylvester remarked.

The new Rocky film will be set in Italy, the homeland of Rocky, it will star Silvio as an old veteran fighter who despite losing everything comes back to fight another day.

“Silvio Burlusconi would be poirfect! The spirit of Rocky is the Italian fighter who never gives up, he just goes through those moulis like a duck through frickin’ water,” a New Jersey Rocky fan told CNN after hearing the news of Silvio’s inclusion.

Tiger Woods to Take Break After 18 Hole Victory

by Wyatt Gurlz
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0
Tiger Woods to Take Break After 18 Hole Victory

After another spectacular performance in this years pro Vagina contest, Woods ensured he sunk his ball into all 18 holes without so much as a hiccup or a double-bogey.

“That Tiger Woods sure likes to get around the course huh? I saw him shoot six hole-in-one’s and he only had one tiny scare by missing the rough once and getting caught by wifey. This guy is incredible huh,” Sven Nordegan, a sports commentator for ABC said.

Woods’ incredible staying power is truly awesome, it’s almost as if his golf club is dipped in viagra.

“He got his wood out and wedged the ball right in the first hole after the most amazing approach shot I have ever seen. From then on it was plain sailing and he was slapping those balls in the holes like anything. Even before he finished one hole he’d be thinking of the next and the next and the next. I’d say he was balls deep in the back nine, what a pro,” Mr Nordegan added.

Another golfing enthusiast said of Woods’ incredible 18 hole run: “The boy is truly marvelous. At one point we saw a banana ball but it worked to his advantage because he is a true bandit. He came out swinging straight into the sweet-spot and schlepped a zinger straight into the eighteenth hole. The magic of all of this, of course, is that his wife forgave his wallet afterwards.”

Every Chinese Person to be Issued with Gas Guzzler

by Wyatt Gurlz
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2
Every Chinese Person to be Issued with Gas Guzzler

“We want to emulate the American dream in China,” the Transport Minister for Beijing’s local council told the state broadcasting service.

With a population of over 1.3 billion people recorded in 2008, China already pumps out huge amounts of pollution into the atmosphere.

“Some days we are lucky to see more than ten feet in front of us in the street. It can be hard in midday traffic because the volume of traffic is so that there are many accidents in the thick fog. I haven’t seen the sun now for eight months and when the pollution fog clears, there are crowds of people in the streets pointing into the sky,” Xiam Xim Fuk Yu, a biology student from Beijing’s university told the state broadcasting news service.

Just a few days ago, a group of scientists dared to take a sample of the air in the city and were astounded at the findings.

“We found heavy metal particles, as well as poisonous phosphates, plastics, acid and corrosive poisons which damage skin and lung tissue with contact,” one of the scientists reported on condition of anonymity.

 

The Chinese want more carsso that they can emulate the American dream “We want to be like America, we own more than half of their debt now so why can’t we all drive cars like them as well?” a Beijing cafe owner, Lung Mi Sik, told the State news.

Breathing Chinese air is reminiscent to dipping your lungs into an industrial vat of corrosive chemicals, so say the scientists.

The Chinese see that Americans drive everywhere in their large cars and they want to emulate what the Americans do. What’s the problem with that?

Mass City UK Exodus Marathon Season Begins

by Wyatt Gurlz
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3
Mass City UK Exodus Marathon Season Begins

“Darling says he wants to tax everyone by 50 per cent in April plus tax bonuses by another 50 per cent, that’s not including all the other f*cking tax. Don’t know about you lot, but I’m off to spend my coke and whore money elsewhere,”  a high ranking banker told the Financial Times.

This is set to be the biggest mass exodus from the City ever recorded.

 

The depth of concern about the planned tax heist will also result in the British economy falling further into debt and recession being prolonged for many decades without any chance of recovery. 

“The economy is going to take a big hit and Britain will face a brain drain of talent abroad. It’s not just brainy financiers who will leave these shores, so will footballers who will not touch this place with a barge pole because of the 50pc tax. The talent drain will trickle down to the already failing Labourised economy resulting in mass job losses; loss of business; loss of enterprise and ghost towns. Time to get the f*ck out of dodge I think eh,” said one chief executive of a FTSE 100 company.

 

 

Darling Loses Eyebrows in Pre-Budget Accident

by Wyatt Gurlz
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3

The chancellor, Alistair Darling, is said to be absolutely distraught after losing his eyebrows yesterday evening.

One of the chancellor’s Downing Street aides revealed the extent of the eyebrow damage: “Alistair has lost his black caterpillars. They just fell off while we were in a meeting. He asked if there was any money left after Labour has been spending it recklessly with no thought at all. Someone in the Treasury said that Britain has no money left. Nothing. Well, Mr. Darling’s eyebrows just fell onto the table in front of us as we all looked on in shock. First the left one went, then the right. Mr Darling then burst into tears and was escorted out of the room by me and another assistant.”

The incident has understandably been hushed up by Number10 but inevitably there have been some leaks.

Currently, Britain under Labour has had its economy downgraded below Italy and Bulgaria, and is set to go even lower.

Owing to the wasteful decisions made by the Labour government wherein trillions of pounds were squandered and lost with lame projects, quangos, bank bailouts; a ridiculously opulent benefits culture and unwinnable wars, the UK is now known as the ‘Sick man of Europe’.

“Brown and Darling have ruined the UK’s economy irreparably and the shockwaves of their reckless decisions have ensured that many generations will have to suffer economic hardship for many years to come. They have bankrupted the UK, and to service the trillion pound loans alone with the vast interest payments will probably be too much for the UK. Remember that Gordon Brown sold off most of the UK’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market when he was the chancellor as well as squandering other government assets,” a disgruntled Ex-Labour voter told the Telegraph.

Tiger Woods Visits O.J. Simpson

by Wyatt Gurlz
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2

No one knows what was said between the two disgraced American stars but one thing is for sure, there must have been some brotherly advise handed down to the newly fallen Woods.

Simpson is currently serving a nine year sentence in a Nevada prison for theft.

“Tiger is new to disgrace, so we think O.J. must have just told him to shrug his shoulders and take the beating like a man. O.J. is certainly no stranger to pissing everything away and is a veteran failure. Who better to give Tiger advice on his newly found status?” Joe Syracuse, a sports commentator for the CBS news network said on Monday.

How many more women are going to come out of the woodwork to stake their claim on Woods’ woody?

“It’s like this. Tiger thought he was a player. Bitch got caught with his pants down. First rule of the game, if you’re going to f*ck around, do it with professionals, not with $8 waitresses. I mean if you’re at that level you have to really watch your game, not only on the course but in the bunker too. Plus, here’s the clincher, Tiger was playing the white game. No colour in his game? He forgot his roots right there. He needed to come home from the course and see some collard greens, rice and beans with some corn bread and some prime booty. Now that’s some good eatin’ right there hmm hmm. The boy wouldn’t stray far then huh? With those bony ass cold fish he was bound to get caught. O.J. knows about all of that and I’m sure he was telling it straight too,” one of Tiger’s golfing partners told the Daily Squib.

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