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Cameron Fed Up With Blue People Wants to Explore Green People

by Biloddy Friezing
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Cameron Fed Up With Blue People Wants to Explore Green People

“I’m sick of blue people. My next movie is going to be with green people,” Mr Cameron told Hollywood Today magazine.

Mr Cameron has even had to have counselling after telling police he saw blue people in a local Malibu store.

“I’m seeing blue people everywhere including my f*cking dreams. I feel like Picasso exiting his blue period and exploring other colours. Jeez, if I see another f*cking blue person i’m going to punch the key grip’s lights out,” Mr Cameron was heard saying at the end of filming a fifteen minute documercial on the Avatar movie.

Al Qaeda Terrorists Advise on Best Underpants for Terror

by Biloddy Friezing
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Al Qaeda Terrorists Advise on Best Underpants for Terror

“I like to wear a big pair of Y-fronts during a bombing session, and I don’t mean a vindaloo either, I’m talking 35,000 feet up,” Mahmoud Jamal, a 21 year-old Al Qaida operative originally from Birmingham tells the Al Jazeera news service.

Out of a group of thirty Al Qaeda operatives, about 60% prefer boxer shorts to the traditional Y-fronts or briefs.

“I like boxers because you can pack a lot more into them. The only problem is if you sit down too quickly you can crush your ball sack or the seam can go up your butt crack. It can be painful when you’re in club class and about to detonate,” Hamid Biryani, a 24-year-old student from Leicester said.

The group of underpant bombers are all studying at the Yemeni College of Underpants embedded deep in the capital city of San’a. According to the CIA, the whole Middle East is teeming with new Underpant Training Centers, and the turnover of students have to be replenished quickly due to the drop out rate as well as the explosive graduation ceremonies conducted on Western airlines midflight.

“We have underpant fashion shows at the end of each term where we show off who’s got the funkiest underpants and how much powdered explosive material you can stitch in without it setting off any alarm bells on x-ray scanners. Last year we had three finalists who all drew but one was so angry that he blew himself up including some members of the audience,” Mr Jamal added.

So what’s the best advice for the new underpant season?

“I think this year, crusty yellowed Y-fronts are going to be all the rage. You know, we’ve got to go back to the old-skool style. Maybe a few yellow stains, maybe a few big brown skid marks and of course, don’t forget the crusty semen stains after a good pre-bombing sesh. This year is sure going to be an explosive time for the Underpant Bomber graduates I tell you. Get set for some big surprises in underpant couture that will knock you out of the sky,” head tutor for the college, Sheik Fandango, explained.

Boycott Gordon Brown’s Labour Government: Don’t Buy Petrol

by Biloddy Friezing
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Boycott Gordon Brown’s Labour Government: Don’t Buy Petrol

After Gordon Brown’s government gave away trillions of taxpayers money to the bankers, sold off Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market, gave Britain away to the EU, devalued the pound by over 43%, threw away billions in wasteful bureaucratic tin pot ideas and squandered our cash on useless wars, they now want to rob us with even more fuel tax rises.

Thanks to Gordon Brown you will see the cost of a litre of unleaded soar from 108p to 123p – or nearly £5.60 ($9.20) a gallon.

Petrol will rise by 5p a litre by the spring and 10p by the autumn as the cash-strapped Government raises taxes from motorists to pay off its massive debts, said the Petrol Retailers’ Association.

Already 70% of the fuel price is tax revenue for the government. By raising the price to £1.25, the ratio will increase to over 83% of the price. Nowhere in the world is petrol this expensive. This coupled with the increase in VAT tax back to 17.5% will ensure that Britain stays in Labour-created recession for another 20 years. Don’t forget that interest rates are set to rise again, so get ready for the mortgage shock of a lifetime when your mortgage payments increase by £400/month.

“Labour is going to take Britain back to the stone age,” a distraught motorist told the Squib yesterday.

This is a Daily Squib campaign to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Dear readers, pass this on to your friends, your enemies and anyone who will listen. We can do something, we can make a difference, we can stop the utter madness.

Here is what YOU can do:

1. If we all stopped buying petrol for one day, we could make a difference. We could shut down the system for one day. Realistically this is not going to happen, but you can spend less at the pumps. Only use your car for essential journeys. Dump your car for a day. Do not buy petrol. Walk!

2. With the massive increase in fuel tax, be prepared to see the price of food go through the roof. Thanks to Gordon Brown, you will soon be seeing your loaf of bread rising to over £6.50 if you’re lucky.

3. Get on your bike and use it more often. You will notice the health benefits as well, although on England’s narrow roads there is a risk of being permanently maimed or killed when hit by a foreign lorry delivering stuff which our hauliers cannot afford to do anymore.

4. Food and water is man’s greatest concern and essential for survival. Why not try being more self sufficient and growing your own fruit and vegetables? This way you will not be reliant on the motorcar to get your groceries, or the supermarkets who sell the population expensive goods steeped in chemicals and wrapped in toxic BPA plastics.

5. Cut down use on public transport. Remember, that if you support public transport in any way you are also supporting the punishing fuel taxes.

6. Sell your car. It’s not worth running it or being a cash cow so that the government can give taxpayers money away to scroungers and useless tinpot schemes.

7. Never vote Labour ever, ever again. They have brought us to this level and they will take us lower.

8. Gordon Brown’s government is currently conducting a punishing scorched earth policy on the population and economy, so hang in there and please do not buy any more petrol unless for essential use.

9. Try reducing petrol intake. For example, if you can afford to spend £5 on fuel, try to reduce your intake to £3 and drive less. Remember the less you spend on petrol the better it is.

10. Do not buy any petrol.

Print this article – Spread it around – Glue it to your forehead – Stick it under car windscreen wipers – Do not buy any more petrol!

Think Tank: Nuclear Fallout Preferable to 1.6 Billion Chinese People Polluting the Earth

by Biloddy Friezing
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Think Tank: Nuclear Fallout Preferable to 1.6 Billion Chinese People Polluting the Earth

“What do the Chinese contribute to the world apart from cheap shoddy trinkets that break after the first touch, mass pollution and horrible human rights dictated by evil robotic brutality? The barbarity and hideousness of the Chinese regime is an afront to decent human civilisation and should be stamped out. America should ‘nuke’ China once and for all and neutralise this parasite on the earth’s surface and environment. Without the complete obliteration of this menace we will all sooner or later be overrun. The problem is not Islamic fundamentalism, it is China, and if the American leadership had one ounce of honour and bravery, they would nuke the Chinese immediately,” professor Gareth Higgins, senior research fellow for the institute said.

The Chinese authorities have been stockpiling nuclear weapons for some time and have increased their military capability a thousand fold thanks to the profits gained from being the world’s premier junk goods manufacturer.



The Yangtze river is a symbol of what China has done to the environment

“The vast swathes of land in China dedicated to producing cheap, dangerous junk products for the West are all produced by slave labour. The Communist regime is the workhorse for greedy ruthless Western businesses who exploit Chinese slave labour to make huge profits. If we for one second consider the amount of pollution created by China in one day, or the hulking pollution spouting ships that deliver their poisonous payload to our Western shops, we would be appalled that it is allowed to carry on. While you buy your cheap trinkets and useless material objects, just think to yourself how you are supporting a China that is not only the biggest polluter on earth but the most incursive threat to the West. Their sole raison d’etre is conquest, and believe you me, they have the Western world firmly in their sights. We are an easy target for these godless parasites who will overrun us like termites. I put it to you, those of you who have one ounce of intelligence left in your brains: the threat from the Middle East is minimal compared to what will come from the Far East. What’s a few nutty Islamic fundamentalists when you’ve got 1.6 billion people all working in tandem against you and the earth?” the professor added.

Lee Pellin, another co-author of the report, said that the problem of the increasing Chinese populations would get a lot worse in the next ten years, a problem that would have to be addressed sooner or later by world leaders.

Pellin said other factors would also be considered. For example, China’s planned incursion into Taiwan, which could be the precursor for strategic nuclear conflict against China or maybe a more effective virus that could deal with the problem more efficiently and safely.

London Bomber University Graduates Gain Valuable Postgraduate Work Experience in US

by Biloddy Friezing
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London Bomber University Graduates Gain Valuable Postgraduate Work Experience in US

“We’ve got a
regular production line here training up British Islamic shoe and
syringe bombers to go over to America for some postgraduate work
experience,” Professor Albert Hucklestone, who heads up the School for
Shoe Bombing at University College Kensington.

It has been a
bumper year for shoe bombers graduating from London universities thanks
to the Labour government’s lax immigration policies positively encouraging the influx of Jihadists into the UK from all
over the world.

“Thanks to Gordon Brown’s government, our
university course has never been so full. We’ve got Shoe Bombers coming
out of our socks,” the Dean of London’s premier Shoe Bomber campus,
Wood Green University in North London told the BBC.

The Shoe
Bomber course is renowned throughout the world for its attention to
detail and intricate instruction.This is why America, Land of the Great
Satan, chooses only to import the finest shoe bombers from the UK. The
four year course leads to a B.Sc qualification that is renowned in the
Middle East as well as the US.

“We wear only the best shoes,
like Bally, John Lobb and Berluti. Anywhere else in the world, shoe
bombers wear mediocre cheap plastic shoes, once you study in London
though you only wear the best. I myself like to wear platform shoes
from the seventies because you can pack a lot more gunpowder in the
heel plus I’m only 4′ 3,” Abdul bin Mahmoud Asshoe, a UCK graduate who
gained his degree in June this year said.

Because of the frequency of the British bombers, Pan Am flight
attendants on trans-Atlantic flights are now designating that Syringe
Bombers sit on the left side and Shoe Bombers on the right side of the
aircraft so as not to sow any seeds of confusion during each flight.

Brown Plans on Making it Illegal to be Middle Class

by Biloddy Friezing
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Brown Plans on Making it Illegal to be Middle Class

“We do not want aspiration. We do not want people to be rewarded for hard work. Labour’s pledge is that everyone should be equal in poverty and suffering. A Britain united in the quagmire of debt created by my government of cronyism and corruption. A nation addicted to welfare and benefits. A Chav Britain dedicated to the mantle of Labour’s equality drive. We’re all Chavs now comrades. Embrace it, and discard any toff Upper Middle Class aspirations. It is all gone now. We have taken your wealth and your class will be next,” Mr Brown told a BBC news crew today.

The Equalities Chairperson, Harriet Harperson, was today rallying her troops for a final push before the new laws come into effect on January 1st 2010.

Speaking from her constituency, Ms Harperson outlined the details of the New Equality Deal: “This is the new deal. Reading the Daily Mail will be made illegal, as well as studying at private school or uni, skiing trips, educated people,  or those who wear f*cking glasses. The Lower Middle Class Mondeo man will be outlawed and he will be relegated to waiting at the bus stop. Middle England people will thus be banished to the lower strata of the Nu-Labour Chav class — the untermesch. Marriage and family units will be outlawed and binge drinking, violent assault, benefits and burglary will be embraced. We will no longer have these outdated models of class. It is our pledge to remove all inequality in Britain today. I have also arranged an executive order that all Grand Prix drivers be female from now on and that all men be ordered to have watermelons shoved up their arseholes so they can know what it’s like to be a woman and give birth. By decree of the Labour initiative for equality, we also pledge that all toffs and Bullingdon club members be stripped of their special upper class privileges and consigned to the dustbin of history.”

Equality training and education will also be conducted from the age of three for every person in England and Wales from January 1st 2009.

Mr Brown said that there may be some who object to the special equality training and there are preparations to deal with that eventuality.

“We’re building more prisons and re-education camps so that these people who reject Equality Training can be suitably integrated after their 42 year sentences into the Fabianistic Chav Society, where everyone will be the same in low education, stupidity, and poverty.”

New FBI Files Reveal Michael Jackson Faked Moonwalk

by Biloddy Friezing
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New FBI Files Reveal Michael Jackson Faked Moonwalk

For years conspiracy theorists and other crazies have been talking about how Michael Jackson faked the moonwalk.

“We’ve been talking about it for frickin’ years. The lighting was all wrong and there were multiple shadows in the footage. We knew it was faked and now these FBI files have proved us right goddamn it,” Lars Emmereich, a conspiracy theorist from Lake Utah told the BBC.

The newly released FBI files reveal that Jackson would perform the moonwalk on a specially designed greased up stage with an intricate network of moving wooden compartments connected to a pulley system. There would be teams of up to thirty stage hands who would pull ropes through trolleys and squirt grease onto the stage so the star could effortlessly seem to glide backwards.

Conspiracy theorists had been posting on websites and bulletin boards on the internet for many years before the amazing revelations came to light yesterday.

“I feel like a whole big weight has been taken off my shoulders. I salute the FBI for this expose, my tinfoil hat nearly fell off when I read it in the papers,” Mr Emmereich added.

Hollywood Actress Dies of Natural Causes After Taking Loads of Drugs

by Biloddy Friezing
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0
Hollywood Actress Dies of Natural Causes After Taking Loads of Drugs

“Chalk it up with the rest. It’s another natural death Hollywood style. She took tonnes of prescription pills and her heart gave away. You can’t get more natural than that. The fact that we found huge amounts of drugs in her room and bloodstream is neither here nor there. This is Hollywood and it’s accepted as a natural occurrence,” Dr. David Johnsons, a senior consultant at Cedar’s Sinai hospital told Hollywood Weekly magazine.

The actress’ natural death is the third one this month, and is such a familiar scene to the Hollywood acting crowd that it has barely got any press coverage.

“We get one that goes, ten come in her place. We get fresh loads every day from boonville into Hollywood land all the time. It’s only a matter of time before they get used up by the machine, and spat out, then we get the next batch in. The acting biz is like that. It’s pretty natural stuff. What’s the problem huh?” Moshe Silverstein III, a studio executive for one of the premier film companies, said.

Revealed: Brown and Darling’s Clever Plan to Pay Off Interest of £1 Billion a Week National Debt

by Biloddy Friezing
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Revealed: Brown and Darling’s Clever Plan to Pay Off Interest of £1 Billion a Week National Debt

“We’re going to make arts and crafts and sell them at car boot sales. You know things like paper weights and beads. Darling and I will be working in tandem to raise the cash so we can pay back the £1 Billion a week interest payments after we took out those huge loans that bankrupted Britain,” Mr. Brown told the BBC yesterday.

The economy shrank by a further 0.2% in the third quarter and has fallen by
6.03% since early 2008.

Britain remains the only G20 nation still in a recession and there does not seem to be any hope in sight, that is, until Gordon Brown hatched the dastardly plan to pay off the debt he has created for Britain.

“If we sell enough paper weights and decorated book covers by New Year’s eve we could raise as much as £50. I’ve also got this great idea to make lampshades from ten pound notes, because as you already know the Sterling is pretty much useless now thanks to Labour’s wonderful policies. I think then, and only then will I be ready to call a general election,” Mr Brown added before getting back to gluing some glitter onto a piece of chewed up drift wood.

The unelected Labour prime minister is hoping that the people will vote for Labour in the coming election and he is showing everyone that he is really making an effort to be finally elected.

Snow Blizzards Hit Copenhagen Global Warming Summit

by Biloddy Friezing
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“My teeth are chattering and I’ve got six layers of jumpers on,” a Global Warming campaigner camping in an igloo at the Copenhagen Global Warming Climate Change Summit told the Times.

Indeed, the Global Warming is so apparent here that the doors to the summit venue froze over last night and the organisers had to bring in industrial heaters just to open the doors so that frozen delegates could get into the freezing halls.

“It’s f*cking freezing. This Global Warming is really bad huh. Oh my god , it’s so cold that my bogeys are freezing up my nose,” Wendy McRuth, a Global Warming activist said after losing all her fingers on her left hand to severe frostbite.

It is not only freezing in Copenhagen, there have been blizzards and snow storms reported back in Washington DC where Barack Obama is set to return any day after visiting the minus sixteen degrees freezing Global Warming climate of Copenhagen.

“I think it’s that Global Warming thing, that’s why we’re all freezing and the temperature is so cold. It took my 12 hours to get to the venue today after our car was caught in a massive snow storm,” another Global Warming activist said through his chattering teeth.

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