From Land’s End to John O’Groats, from Grimsby to Grimtowne, Britain’s streets were today awash with people dancing and celebrating after Gordon Brown announced the end of the biggest recession since the last Labour government was in power.

“I’ve lost my home, my wife and kids, my job, everything I owned and even my dog. But, when I heard the announcement that Britain’s GDP rose by 0.00001% today and that we’re out of the recession, I fuckin’ jumped up in joy and said by gawd I’m going to vote for Labour again. What a genius Gordon and his boys are, innit,” George Numpty, 45, a resident of the Northern Yorkshire town of Grimness, told the BBC.

Even a homeless man living under Waterloo bridge threw up his arms and was all praise for Gordon Brown: “Gordo’s done it again, last year I had a successful business, a house and a future. Today, I’ve got a cardboard box and a rolled up Mirror newspaper. I’m so glad I voted for Labour, they’re financial geniuses they are. With the recession over, I think I might upgrade to a plyboard or MDF box.”

Unelected Prime Minister, Gordon Brown even made an appearance at a home for destitute pensioners, where they are processed before put in coffins and buried. He was cheered as he walked into the home to witness how the pensioners are disposed of. Waving resolutely, he even managed a smile before being ushered into the Nil by Mouth processing centre.

“These robots come to our country, take all the work from English factory robots and think they own the place? Well, I’ve got news for you’se lot. They smell as well, yeah we want those stinking robots out of here,” Mr Griffin told a conference room in a Dagenham hub cap factory on Tuesday.

English industry utilises foreign made robots in their factories from many countries including: Japan, Germany and Korea and the BNP are determined to have them removed permanently.

“Just ship ’em back to where they f*cking came from innit? We’ve got yellow machines, black machines, red one’s too, doing work that English machines should be doing. We won’t stand for it anymore!” one of Nick Griffin’s deputies, Lee Skinhead, told the Daily Mail.

The BNP plans on lobbying the European Union this week to put an end to foreign robots invading Britain and are already trying to build some English factory robots from bits of scrap metal and empty beer cans.

“If we build our own factory robots making such things as hub caps and widgets, we would not be invaded by foreign robots in our factories,” Mr Griffin added.

After news came through yesterday that Hollywood film stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had split, the United Nations intervened to try and repatriate the adopted children back to where they had been bought.

“This is a huge operation and we are working against time here. We are mobilising helicopters, trucks and transport aircraft. The amount of children that Angelina adopted is a force to be reckoned with; some of them from Africa, South America and the Far East. It is a massive logistical operation that will take many resources to pull off. We appeal to everyone to show some restraint during the rescue mission,” UNICEF’s Senior Director of Operations, Gonzalez Demerera, told CNN yesterday.

The Brangelina clan have enjoyed a good number of years touting baby pictures as well as accumulating numbers but it looks like time has finally caught up with the dysfunctional family.

“We thought we could beat that Scott Brown Cosmo shoot with some quality pics of Barry in his seventies funkateer suit which he wore in Studio 54 whilst dumping Quaaludes like they were vitamins. Dang, the Republicans got this waterboarding assclown to wave his balls around and the women voted. Shows how goddamn powerful that sh*t is. Obama just coudn’t cut it with that freaky suit and platform shoes. Nigga, looks like he was into some bad sh*t back in the day,” Arnold Silverman, one of the vote moderators told ABC news.

The Republican win has now jeapordised the Democrat stranglehold on the Senate as well as the trillion dollar Obamacare fiasco that may soon be buried in a deep grave next to Obama’s huge f*cking ego.

“Obama lost big time. He no longer walking on water, he be drowning in a sea of shit. This be’s some racist sh*t because he’s black and all the white folks they’s can be pay fo’ they’s own healthcare but we can’t, sho’ nuff they sho did vote some ‘n’ now we is all f*cked up now,” Shaquanda Wallace, 45, a resident of Ellis Pines in downtown Atlanta told the regional radio station yesterday.

Looks like Obama will have to now move to plan B to try and introduce the Healthcare reforms.

“Next time we have an election I’m going to get Michelle to get her booty out and show some of her chest off. Hell, might as well go the whole hog and slap ’em all out fo’ everyone to see. As long as we get the Healthcare thing through I don’t care,” the president told a White House press conference yesterday after the results came through.

“They may want to strike but they won’t be able to after we strap them down in the aeroplanes,” BA’s director Willie Walsh told a news conference at Heathrow on Monday.

The extreme contingency plans have been implemented after there were threats from airline staff to hold another strike that would cripple the already loss-making airline.

By handcuffing air staff to their trolleys there have been safety concerns raised but these have been overruled by the positive aspects of enslavement.

“At least this way, if I want another gin and tonic at 30,000 feet I will be able to get one because a trolley dolly will be in the aisle handcuffed and ready to serve. Before, I would have to scream bloody murder to get service but now there are about two or three trolleys ready whether they like it or not,” a jubilant BA passenger told the BBC.

British Airways staff were said to be disgusted at the news of being handcuffed to their trolleys and some even went out of their way to try to smuggle hacksaws onto planes but were thwarted by airport security.

“This is nothing more than modern day slavery. During a 24 hour flight to Australia I was handcuffed to my trolley and forced to work non-stop. I only got one toilet break and even then the cabin master would not remove the chains. Have you ever tried to have a pee on an aeroplane with a trolley partially blocking the toilet doors? The whole plane watched me wiping my kebab,” Jill Munster, 54, a long suffering BA air hostess told the BBC.

In
a first “aged progressed” mugshot, he is portrayed in western clothes
with a modern haircut and a trimmed beard; a second shows the
terrorist leader in his traditional outfit, with a mullet hairstyle; a third shows the terror chief wearing a bowl haircut and the last one in traditional attire with turban and long beard.

Forensic artists used digital enhancement to modify Bin Laden’s features in an attempt to show what he might now look like.

“We thought we had caught up with Bin Laden in a mall in Georgia last week but he disappeared almost as quickly as he appeared. We were that close dammit!” FBI director in general, Albert Koslowski, told the Times newspaper.