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Liam Gallagher to have Woman's Breast Surgically Sewn onto Head

Klaus Meine
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1
Liam Gallagher to have Woman's Breast Surgically Sewn onto Head

“Liam can’t wait to have the tit sewn onto his head, he says he wants a big floppy one. Personally, I think he should have a large vagina sewn onto his head because to tell you the truth, Liam is a c*nt of the highest order,” Nicole Appleton, his long suffering wife told CBBC’s Newsround program.

The ailing popstar who made an utter fool of himself at the BRIT awards recently, is said to be relishing the opportunity to acquire the mammary gland on his head.

Dr. Giles Mumptington, who will operate on the star at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead, spoke about the procedure: “First we will shave off his naff Southern ponce hairstyle, then we will peel back his scalp and stick a big mammary gland on it. We have already got the breast in storage after being donated by a nun who had no need for her tits anymore. The procedure should only take three or four hours to complete, that is if there are no complications.”

There were fears in the Oasis camp today that Liam could be mistaken for a policeman once the procedure is completed.

“Liam is a mentally retarded oaf with a very limited worldview, but I have to commend him on his latest action. It’s as if he’s slowly waking up to how people view him. I think that’s a step in the right direction and by having this t*t grafted onto his bonce he’s showing the world what an utter self-hating loser he really is,” his brother, Noel Gallagher told Melody Maker magazine.

Israeli Hitmen Told to Get Better Disguises

Klaus Meine
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0
Israeli Hitmen Told to Get Better Disguises

“The Israelis are like a bunch of bulls in a frickin’ China shop, heck I’ve seen a bunch of hippos in a mud pool making less nuisances of themselves. We need to tell these idiots that when you whack an Arab in a hotel, you make like it wasn’t you. They might as well have put posters up all over the place with their faces on ’em,” Al Hertyu, a senior Pentagon advisor told CNN.

In a bid to change their bungling ways, Mossad operatives are now given manuals on how to disguise themselves during assassination missions.

“Gevalt geshreeyeh, we need to cut out the meshugass. Next time our boys are on a hishkhil they better steer clear of the cameras. We’ll be like silent assassins in a Kosher delicatessen waiting to pounce on the bagels. Vei is mir, no more kherbon!” Shimon Perezite, the Israeli Minister of Foreign Assassinations told London’s Golders Green Oracle.

£56 Million Lottery Winner Buys Greece

Klaus Meine
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0
£56 Million Lottery Winner Buys Greece

“We were looking for something to spend our money on, and then the Greek bankruptcy sale came along. It was as if Zeus himself offered us the country on a silver platter. We can’t wait to shack up in the Acropolis, chill out on our own private beaches and relax in the country’s many tavernas,” Mr Page said.

The final purchase price for the ailing debt ridden country was only £25 million leaving plenty of cash for the couple to enjoy their time in their new home.

“It’s not every day that you get to own your own country. We’re certainly not as rich as Richard Branson, but I think we’ve got one up on him,” Mr Page added.

Even though the country was put up for sale at knock down prices, there were no takers until the lottery winners came along.

“No one wanted to acquire the country because it comes with a debt of $700 billion. I don’t think this lottery guy who paid the money knows what he is getting into,” one of the Goldman Sachs analysts who brokered the deal told Sky News.

Sarah Palin Taking Intensive Geography Lessons

Klaus Meine
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1
Sarah Palin Taking Intensive Geography Lessons

“No, no, no! Europe is not a country and you cannot see Russia from Alaska!” Sarah Palin’s newest geography tutor exclaims with his eyes bulging and the veins on his forehead throbbing wildly.

In just three weeks of intensive geography lessons Palin has gone through eight geography tutors and Republican denizens are at a loss at what to do with the high turnover rate.

“She’s driving these people crazy. We had one of them taken away on a stretcher babbling something about Africa and Belgium. Another one literally pulled whole clumps of his own hair out, now he’s trying to sue us for losses. There’s got to be something we can do?” Sarah Palin’s campaign manager, Earl Wyatt told Fox news.

The assigned geography teacher for today tries to show Mrs Palin where the U.S.A is on a large globe sitting on the desk in front of her. She leans over and points to Africa.

“But it’s got the same kind of shape right?” she says looking up and pushing her cleavage into better view.

It seems that her bust is the only redeeming topographical feature that can win the 2012 election.

BNP Members Avoiding Sunbeds

Klaus Meine
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0
BNP Members Avoiding Sunbeds

“We were told to put on layers of sunscreen at all times, even in winter. If anyone got a tan, like if they went on their hols or something and actually went out in the sun they would be immediately quarantined by the senior party members and stuck in a dark room sometimes for weeks on end,” the insider revealed.

Much like veal, BNP members are urged to live in virtual darkness to preserve their pale complexions.

“If you get a tan of any kind you are immediately called a p*ki or n*gger and told to undergo special re-whitening treatments. I once exposed my left wrist to the sunshine for more than two hours without special sun cream and it got dark. After that I had to hide my arm for fear of being caught,” the man revealed.

After enduring over three years in the BNP, the man finally got the courage to leave and since that time regularly goes to sunny climates for holidays without any fear of reprisal.

Iran Stuns the West by Announcing First McDonald’s Restaurant

Klaus Meine
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5
Iran Stuns the West by Announcing First McDonald’s Restaurant

“We will stun the West with an almighty surprise that will make them tremble,” President Ahmedinnajacket had boasted only a few months ago.

“The consensus was that the Iranians would unleash something terrible towards Israel or even the US, but we have to say that we all got it wrong. I’ve now heard that they’re eating Big Macs and gorging themselves on Happy Meals,” a Washington insider disclosed.

The secret negotiations were being laid for months by the Iranian regime and during the final unveiling of the fast food restaurant there were reports through Twitter that many people were crushed to death in the ensuing rush to buy a Big Mac, or as it is called in Iran, a “Satan’s Burger”.

Experts in Middle East affairs are as baffled as anyone on how the Iranian regime finally succumbed to the ‘Great Satan’s’ culinary habits.

“We’re still kind of shocked at how they embraced the food from a country that is reviled so much by the totalitarian Islamic republic. Next they’ll be going around and opening strip joints and casinos. Crazy shit I tell you,” Dr. Al Franken, analyst at the University of Brooklyn told CBS news.

Global Warming Scientist Freezes to Death

Klaus Meine
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0
Global Warming Scientist Freezes to Death

The leading scientist, who was championed by carbon tax offices all over the western world, was found dead this morning after taking his dog for a walk.

“We recovered the frozen body of a man this morning. Luckily his dog survived and was recovered from under the man. The man’s body was totally frozen and is now in the morgue thawing out. We’re going to have to wait a few days to do the post mortem to see what happened but we reckon he froze to f*cking death,” Lieutenant Frank Rizolli for the Washington Police Department told ABC news.

“Global Warming”

The scientist, who held lucrative contracts with top government agencies, was one of the pioneers of the ‘global warming’ theory and was to be honoured with a ‘global warming’ prize by Al Gore next week, sadly, due to the tragic circumstances it will have to be cancelled.

“He was a great man because he fooled large swathes of the population to eat up the global warming agenda without question and to engender mass control through fear. Unfortunately for us, we will now have to find another method to produce mass hysteria in the world’s populations. I guess another 911 style attack, maybe a war with Iran or even an alien attack. Sheesh, back to the drawing board eh,” a discouraged Pentagon official told CNN today.

Footballer’s Wife Tearfully Reunited With Footballer’s Wallet

Klaus Meine
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2
Footballer’s Wife Tearfully Reunited With Footballer’s Wallet

“I’m so happy to
be back in the money. For a moment there I thought his wallet would
leave me but now I ain’t going to make so much as a squeak if he plays
away from home. I know and everyone else does I’m nothing more than a
two-bit trumped up soulless vapid doormat anyway just like all the other pros who deal with footballers,” Tracii Jerry told the News of the World.

John
Jerry, the England midfielder, flew out to the holiday resort
especially to reassure his wife that her monthly payments would not be
altered just because he sleeps with “..any piece of puss puss”.

Tracii
had recently found solace with another footballer’s wife, Beryl Small,
who was also in severe danger of losing her man’s wallet.

“I
spoke to Beryl on Saturday and she told me that her hubby was a keen
baller who liked to sink goals away from the home pitch. I know my
John’s always balls deep inside some slapper’s penalty zone, but you
just have to learn to forgive the wallet and forget, innit?” Mrs Jerry
said as she posed for another theatrical photoshoot showcasing the
wonderful reunion.

Ed Balls Sings Castrato at Lambeth Council Meeting

Klaus Meine
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0
Ed Balls Sings Castrato at Lambeth Council Meeting

It is a form of entertainment that some opera lovers pay a lot of money for, but this time members attending a local council meeting were serenaded by cabinet minister Ed Balls at a local Lambeth council meeting.

“I think he was trying to show us that he’s worth our time for the upcoming election. We half expected him to sing with a low manly voice but instead he came out with a high-pitched squeak. It was quite alarming actually and some members for the meeting hurriedly walked out because they found it so funny. After Balls did a rendition of ‘Jerusalem’ in his castrato voice, there were people doubling up on the floor with laughter,” Councillor George Edwin, told the Mirror newspaper.

Mr Balls turned up at the meeting to the astonishment of the assembled council members without an announcement. He was shadowed by a BBC film crew and some local reporters who watched the performance in its entirety before retreating from the meeting in hysterics.

The Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families is set to attend other Labour controlled councils across the South East to try and rally the troops for the coming general election.

The Greek Trojan Horse that Sunk Europe

Klaus Meine
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28
The Greek Trojan Horse that Sunk Europe

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts,” and maybe the Europeans should have watched their backs before they were suckered into accepting this debt-ridden economic liability into their arms so readily.

“The only reason the Greeks were allowed into Europe is because they’re Christian. They have no credentials as an economic power, and are in fact a huge burden on Europe’s economy. Greece is a moth-eaten debt black hole seeping with corruption, waste and greed for subsidies from rich European taxpayers. We are funding their useless wasteful economy that serves no purpose but to be a parasite on our formerly stable economy,” Francois Ellul, a chief economic strategist for the French government told Le Figaro.

The wealthy European states who so readily welcomed the PIGS into their open arms are now paying the true price of their imprudence.

“The walls were breached without a fight. There were no hoards of Turks besieging the walls of Europe, instead the fortifications were brought down from the inside and through deception. The so-called friendly Greeks sucked the coffers dry and are now looking to be bailed out by the same people they have effectively stolen from,” Mr Ellul added.

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