“Michael was a secret Catholic priest when he was not touring or making music videos. He would dress up in all of the vestments and attend choir singing competitions where he could show the young boys his expertise in singing. He just did what all Catholic priests love to do and that’s preach the gospel to young boys,” Reverend Dave Handell told the LA Times.

According to the files released yesterday, Jackson toured America and Europe for secret meetings with church members so that he could preach the gospel. He was also said to have attended special rituals in the Vatican just before he died of a fatal overdose last summer.

“He wanted it all to be hushed up. The pope met the king of pop in some of the secret catacombs underneath the Holy See. It is rumoured that special rituals are performed in these catacombs but none of the victims on whom the rituals are conducted have survived to tell the tale of what goes on down there,” Alan Holdsworth, one of the organists in the Vatican said.

Michael Jackson fans all over the world were jubilant to hear the holy news and are now calling for the late pop singer to be sainted by the Catholic church for his stellar work with children.

Pope Benedict was petitioned by thousands of Jackson fans yesterday in St. Peter’s Square. The pope nodded graciously and acknowledged the pleas for Jackson’s canonisation.

“One minute the Killer Whale was swimming around gnashing its teeth and the next it jumped up and chomped on its owner. These Killer Whales sure are dangerous huh!” Vince Kiebold, a rescue worker who attended the scene told Florida’s F-TV network.

Killer Whales, as their name suggests, can be quite dangerous and are rather predisposed to the tendency to kill say some leading experts.

“When Killer Whales bite you, that means they’re simply doing what is natural to them, that’s why we call them Killer Whales folks. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to keep them as pets and try to train them to do silly tricks,” Dr Woody Guthrie, told National Geographic magazine.

Every day thousands of Number10 staffers wake up afraid to go to Downing Street to put up with another day of physical and verbal abuse from the unelected PM, Gordon Brown.

“Bullying is a problem that affects many who work around the great ‘clunking fist’ of comrade Brown and must be stamped out”, a leading cabinet officer told the Guardian newspaper yesterday.

“Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. They have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

“Although most bullies think they’re the best and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past — maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

“Bullies like Gordon Brown have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist,” Jan Newbury, an anti-bullying worker from the recently shut-down National Anti-Bullying Helpline disclosed.

Leaflets are currently being printed in an effort to curb the bullying by Gordon Brown and his key henchman, Ed Balls, and should be distributed to staff who work in the proximity of the unelected prime monster by next week.

More Afghan civilians, American GI’s and UK marines were blown up today in massive explosions.

“It’s the same as yesterday, the day before that and the day before that. More people died today as well. It’s all the same. Oh, look! There goes another explosion right there,” Colonel Marcus Simpkins of the Yorkshire Regiment said whilst pointing at a huge explosion about 400 metres away.

Yesterday there were as many as 5,350 explosions in Helmand province alone, and some commentators are calling this the “popcorn syndrome”.

“You’re right. We call it the ‘popcorn syndrome’ because if you looked at a satellite view of Afghanistan on any given day, all you would see is a lot of popping going on. The only difference is we don’t get to watch a movie and munch on the crunchy white corn, instead we lie in a bunker deep in the ground cowering underneath a table whilst our sphincters go crazy at every close call,” the Colonel added.

There was more good news yesterday when a series of explosions were reported to have blown up a convoy of ‘Taliban fighters’. It was later revealed that the so-called ‘Taliban fighters’ were in fact a wedding procession of Afghan civilians, this was immediately seen as a success by the NATO high command because anyone within the war zone who is not Western is officially deemed a ‘Taliban fighter’ and notched up as another kill.

The business secretary told Britain’s state controlled broadcasting station, the BBC, from his hospital bed at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, that Mr Brown was “not a bully” and that “he absolutely adored the strength of the PM”.

Doctors working on Mr Mandelson were said to have removed a number of objects from Mr Mandelson’s rear including a fax machine, two iPhones, a laptop computer and a toaster.

“Gordon must have rammed those objects up Mr Mandelson. It’s the worst case of violence against staff at Number10 we have ever seen. What kind of a monster would do such a thing, and yet there is Mandy defending the PM? You would have thought after one abuse he would have reported it. Maybe he enjoyed it,” a key Number10 aide told the Telegraph.

Downing Street dismissed the “malicious
allegations” made by Andrew Rawnsley in a recent tell-all book, and Mr Brown went around to Mr Rawnsley’s house personally to beat the living daylights out of him.

Lord Mandelson is set to stay in hospital for a few more weeks to recuperate, his press office revealed.

“Look how Obama fooled the brainwashed idiots who voted for him and believed every lie he told. I watched the American campaign and saw those brainless robots waving their banners with the vacant looks in their eyes and the whoops of joy as they were whipped into a collective frenzy by the election controllers. We need the same thing over here, to bring in the same form of Soviet mass hypnotism the Americans employ at every election,” Mr Alexander said.

He has been ordered by Brown to engage the electorate with the same Soviet control techniques utilised by Stalin and Obama.

“A Future Fair for the Few”

“Repetition is the key. If you repeat something enough times, the proles will adopt it. Also, denial of the past is another element. The workers are fickle, they forget how we punish them daily with draconian laws, taxes and low employment. Instead, we will talk about the ‘future’ for them. Obviously, if you live in Britain during a Labour government, you have no future, but the people are so stupid and pliant that we will tell them they have a ‘future’ and they will believe it,” Mr Alexander exclaimed whilst puffing at his Havana.

The Pavlovian techniques employed by the Labour controllers are indeed a way of winning the coming election when Gordon Brown is set to be elected for the first time.

With Britain’s deficit looking to be worse than Greece’s after it was revealed that the government borrowed £4.3 billion even after receiving tax receipts last month, the gravity of the situation is slowly dawning on the rest of the country.

War

“People are slowly waking up to how Mr Brown deceived the country by racking up huge debts, selling off the UK’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market and making awful decisions that have effectively bankrupted the UK twice over. Plus, the population are slowly realising that the cost of everything is rising at quite a sharp rate now. Petrol in the UK is now on average £7.50 a gallon and is set to rise even further in the near future. Even with Mr Brown raising fuel tax to 93% of the price, the gov. have to borrow huge amounts of money to keep the behemoth cost of the NHS and benefits system going. There is only one conclusion to this horrible situation we are all now in, yes, the country is heading for a precipitous fall if someone does not stop Gordon Brown’s spending. Someone needs to stop him and his destructive ways, but who? Is there anyone left who can stop this scorched earth gorilla from breaking up Britain and sending its already poverty-stricken people into further famine and poverty? Alas, I do not think so. The damage by this awful mendacious malicious monster Brown has been allowed to continue for so long now by his cowardly party, who I might add are a bunch of weak enablers, that there will soon be horror and rioting in the streets because of him. Maybe this is what he wants, his New World Order must first create chaos before order, the ultimate plan to whittle out the old way and people, to bring on thirty years of riots. The Fabian Socialist elites have already factored the riots in to their equations. They will be living in specialist luxury colonies in Montenegro while the riots continue unabated, sipping their champers as they watch the latest news bulletins. This is the reality my friends, so one must be prepared for these eventualities, because once the food gets too expensive, the people will need to eat. If there is no food, what are they going to do?” a Westminster political commentator told the Squib.

The Centre for Policy Studies reveals that the real national debt is £1,340 billion, which is 103.5 per cent of GDP. This figure includes all the public sector pension liabilities such as pensions, and Private Finance Initiative contracts e.t.c (Northern Rock liabilities).

The reality of the situation is that Britain is now paying a weekly sum of billions on interest payments for the debt Gordon Brown has created. Where is the money for these debt payments coming from? From your pockets, mes amis, the taxpayer is footing the bill for these interest payments and there is no benefit to our nation’s economy for them.

It would be best for Mr Brown to retire to his bunker for now. He has done his job of ruining the UK. All he has to do now is wait for the rioting to begin and sit back, get one of those DVDs that Obama gave him in a box set, and think of other things. He will be kept informed from time to time of what is going on the surface, but otherwise, he will sit there smiling in the darkness and twitching uncontrollably at his great success as Britain’s ‘greatest’ leader. Here’s to dreaming of ‘Eco Towns’.