—— —— —- that it is simply —— to —- — —–. But
aside from the ——- —– —- are used — —– —-,— —- a potential —– — sue.
—– you —– ——– —– , it is no —— ——- and so —– like a ——– —- —– ——.
If —– want to —– your —– —–
once you —– —– it, an —– is to —– an —– —– such
as the —– —– —–, a —– —– —– that you can —– —– and —– in —– —–.
Remember that —– is —
as —– as the —– — its ——–. There’s no point in — of us —- to —- —– and ——— if we don’t do ——- about —–.
BY ORDER OF GOOGLE/CHINA CENSOR AUTHORITY
The so-called ‘special relationship’ is in the doldrums and this time it looks serious, British MPs have revealed this week.
First it was the bust of Churchill unceremoniously dumped by Obama when he first moved into the White House, then it was the collection of second-hand DVD’s given to Prime Minister Gordon Brown after the first brief meeting between the two leaders and after that the waterboarding incident that caused a few ripples.
“It’s not so much a ‘special relationship’ now, more like an ‘unremarkable disdain’,” the British ambassador to Washington, James Ganymede, told the Telegraph.
The ‘special relationship’ counsellor, Al Imey, was yesterday in consultation with both sides in a Washington conference hall trying desperately to bring both parties to talk to each other again.
“They’re both hogging the sheets. Like there’s no more adoring photoshoots of the kind we had with Maggie and Ronnie, or Dubya and Tony. Those were loving relationships, now we got cracked ice. Before, America would say ‘jump’ and the UK would obey, the thing is, the US doesn’t care anymore. Barry is not even saying ‘jump’, he just doesn’t say anything. I guess they’ve grown apart. Obama is into his Healthcare, and Brown is into trying to get elected for the first time,’ Mr Imey said.
Maybe the Americans could replenish their ‘special relationship’ with the British by invading another country together. There is nothing like a ‘shared activity’ to bring forth a fresh connection once again. Here’s to new invasions.
Bill Clinton’s staff are demanding that George W Bush recompenses him for his ruined shirt after the Haitian shirt wipe fiasco last Tuesday.
“That shirt had sentimental value. It was the shirt that Monica gave to me after I peppered her blue dress. There weren’t any stains on that white shirt but I want some kind of compensation for this. I ain’t going to back down on this outrage either. That chimp owes me a new goddamn shirt,” Mr Clinton was heard ranting to one of his aides.
There were threats by Mr Clinton to bring in some of his attorneys after a spat with Mr Bush during breakfast at the Port Au Prince Holiday Inn where everyone was staying on the trip.
The two former presidents were said to demand separate travel arrangements after the incident and are not on speaking terms anymore.
The US consulate is very embarrassed by this latest PR mistake and are urging both sides to calm down.
“So, I wiped my hand on Bill’s shirt. I’m sure he had a lot worse stuff on that shirt. What’s he going to do, sue me?” Mr Bush said from his private jet going back to his ranch in Texas.
The music biz was stagnating for a while after the advent of digital audio where anyone could download music for free without paying for it — that is until Lady KaKa came onto the scene.
“People actually want to pay for KaKa’s music! Forget about downloading it for free, they want to buy this toilet’s music. Hell, they want to even buy the fuckin’ album. I nearly shit my pants when I saw that. We got her singing template songs through an Antares, with some vocoder or something, I dunno, we got her in a room with some engineers. She can’t actually sing or write music, she can’t play an instrument, she just dresses up with a toilet seat around her head or some such crap so all the little girls and gays love her. Who fuckin’ cares, I drive a Lamborghini Countach Quattrovalvole and own three mansions in Malibu because of this turd,” Milton Earl III Esq. of Backsplash Records told MTV.
Indeed, the Music Industry has never had it so good. There is finally some cash flowing into its empty coffers.
“The biz is now for people like KaKa, so we don’t have to have anyone who can play, sing or compose music. You may think nothing has changed much but believe me when I say, we used to have a time once when real bands played actual music,” Mr Earl added.
It seems that this new character called Lady KaKa has created a new genre for herself; it certainly is not Dada or Surrealism but a dingleberry on the ass of the mindless generation of brainwashed consumer sheeple to devour without any thought or reason.
“The people now consume excrement without even batting an eyelid. This is why Lady KaKa is so popular and this is why my bank account is simply overflowing with cash,” Mr Earl shouts from his Lamborghini before shooting off into the California sunset.
Lady KaKa is to be
honoured for services rendered to the Music Industry at the 136th Music Biz Awards in Los Angeles on April 23.
There were mass riots in the fields and cobbled streets of Somerset yesterday when the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, announced the huge price hike on cider.
Whose
cider you on?
“At the moment we have the situation under control with only 34 towns and villages burning uncontrollably. Hopefully by the morning the rioting may ease but we’re staying in our little police station until we get reinforcements.” Inspector George Knacker, of the Bridleswaide Constabulary told the town’s local newspaper.
Cider in the West country is almost a religion and to meddle with the price, as Mr Darling has done, is considered by most as sacrilegious behaviour beyond comprehension.
“I want Darling to come and see what he’s done here. I want him to see the vats of cider left there because we can’t afford to buy a pint or two. If he’s got the balls to show his face down in these here parts he better get ready because he’s going to need a bloody army I tell you,” an angry ex-cider drinker from Wiveliscombe told the BBC before tossing a molotov cocktail into the already burning Town Hall.
The damage caused by rioters has been estimated to be over 256 million pounds so far, but the extent of the destruction is still not yet known as the riots are ongoing.
“We have ordered a bucket of Viagra to be delivered to Downing Street and are getting Gordo and Sarah to make an election baby. If Cameron thinks he’s going to pip us to the post with an election sprog, we’re going to get on with our own Labour election winner,” Arthur Spin, a member of the Downing Street election campaign staff told the BBC.
Labour leaders were said to be worried however that Gordon’s efforts may not be enough to secure an election win.
“Gordon hasn’t slept since 2007 let alone done the dirty with his wife. He’s so consumed by his control-freakery that he even has speech writers briefing him in the Number10 bedroom at all hours of the night while Sarah is busy twittering on her laptop, that and the amount of pills he’s popping to stop him going absolutely psycho has caused havoc on his already bonkers mindset. We don’t think he’s up for the job frankly,” another Labour election campaigner told the Mirror.
Plan B, however, may be needed where some pillows will be strapped to Sarah Brown’s torso in order for her to look like she really is preggers.
“Well, we’ve lied about everything else Labour has done so why not this? If it gets us an election win who f*cking cares,” Mr Spin added.
“If Health Care is a basic human right, what about food?” says the slogan for the new Obama Free Food For All campaign
“Free Burritos for everyone is our next Dem deal. Not one person shall go hungry in America. You want a steak? You got one. You want a cheesecake? You got two. This is going to revolutionise food in America forever,” Barack Obama told Congress yesterday.
The cost of Obama’s upcoming Free Food For All bill is estimated to be about 134 trillion dollars per annum and these are of course conservative estimates.
Fat people across America, (98% of the population), rejoiced with joy in restaurants and supermarkets across the country after the announcement was made.
Sharonda Latrina, a 322 lbs. Obama supporter from Chicago said this about the new Obama Free Food bill: “Hawt diggedy dayum, I just told my whole neighborhood about this new Free Food bill. We just went got twenty buckets of fried chicken. Free food for life and free health care for life? I love Obama, he be the bomb.”
Obama’s Free Food For All campaign has taken America by storm, there’s only one slight problem — there is no money left in the US budget to pay for it, but shhh don’t tell the people or Obama that.
Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Darling unveiled the new punitive measures package that will help repatriate all wealth from the rich bourgeoisie scum, who are the only ones left with any assets in the United Soviet British Union, thus their wealth will be given to the Benefits consuming key Labour party supporters.
“Our great unelected leader, Comrade Brown ordered me to strip the bourgeois masses of all their wealth. Well, I think I have achieved this task, and will implement it immediately. I have also ordered for anyone who has worked hard for their money to be stripped of their wealth and to have their assets broken up and given to the Benefits people and scroungers in council houses the length and breadth of Soviet Britain.”
Commissar of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls was on hand to reassure the remaining population who still have some assets left, that the Labour cause was a noble one: “Our Labour policies are averse to any citizen working hard to acquire any form of wealth or assets, this is true, however you must understand we are simply redistributing the wealth to those who don’t want to work and have nothing. Surely you will agree that they deserve your assets more than you do?”
This new equality drive by the state is being implemented to ensure that the British Soviet people are equal in poverty, but there is one consolation Comrades, like all people on Benefits in the UK today, everyone will have a 67 inch plasma TV embedded in their council house living rooms to enjoy for the rest of their grey and sad wasted lives.
“If everyone in Britain is poor and does not have any assets, we have achieved our goal,” Comrade Darling said defiantly, before being driven away in his chauffeured Jaguar.
“We are advising all of our Labour ministers who are taking bribes from companies, to deny everything even though they were caught on camera committing the crimes,” Gordon Brown told the BBC.
No Inquiry
Many Labour MPs are allegedly now hired by International clients to do dodgy business deals and are receiving secret monetary recompense for their hard work.
“I can get you in to have a cup of tea with Tony Blair for £5,000. Just leave the money in a brown envelope by the door and it will be done,” one of the thieves tells the reporter during secret filming.
Another Labour MP offers the imaginary clients lucrative contracts for no less than £25,000 transferred to an offshore account somewhere in the Maldives.
Labour’s central office was today denying anything had ever happened and said the charges “were ridiculous lies, and those people filmed were not Labour MPs but CGI creations sanctioned by the Tory party”.
Gordon Brown himself has said: “Labour party MPs have the divine right to operate above any laws and are therefore deemed as untouchable.”
“Nicolas has had enough. He is now travelling through France and Brussels with the travelling Extraordinaire Cirque, who have him as one of their main attractions,” Jean Renoir, a political commentator for Le Monde said on Monday.
Mr Sarkozy has said that he is happy to be part of the circus and will be performing with the clowns as a midget act.
“When Nicolas comes out onto the circus stage there are wild cheers for him. It’s not like when he was a politician where people spat and booed at him. He is positively adored for his act with the clowns as a midget,” Monsieur LeBlanc, the circus’ ringmaster said.
Nicolas Sarkozy’s IMP party suffered a heavy reverse at the polls yesterday evening when Socialist opposition and its Green allies won an estimated 55 per cent
of
the vote leaving Sarkozy nursing a heavy wound after the trouncing.
Speaking from his circus caravan in Beziers, Mr Sarkozy said that he was “happier now than ever before in my life” and that he wished “everyone could experience the utter freedom of travelling the open road in the midget troupe”.
Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.
The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.
