“I’ve just got the data through, this is so exciting. We’re all going to die horribly from eco-apocalypse when the whole climate changes for the worst. We feel vindicated after that fiasco with the faked data dreamed up by the global warming naysayers,” a relieved professor Arnold Weasel, for the University of Dagenham, told New Scientist magazine.

US politician and eco-mongerer, Al Gore, was on the line yesterday to congratulate the team on their findings: “I always knew I was right and I congratulated the team for their hard work. There are going to be huge tsunamis, drought, global warming and death for everyone who doesn’t own a spaceship. All those people who laughed at me, well, they ain’t laughing now that’s for sure.”

The climate scientists could not specify an accurate timetable for our demise because they were too busy partying yesterday, they say they will come up with more data after their sizeable hangovers finally subside.

The Rooneyid,
the evolutionary branch of primates that led to humans, will be revealed
when a two million-year-old skeleton of a man is unveiled this week.

The skeleton was discovered in the Liverpool region of England – an area known as ‘the Cradle of Inhumanity’ – by Professor Lee Phuckah of the University of the Croxteth.

Professor Phuckah and
his colleagues have remained silent about the significance of their
find, but anticipation is high among the scientific community ahead of
an official announcement on Friday.

“This ape like creature was probably as thick as shit but was still able to kick a rock around its cave. It communicated by grunting and walked around dragging its knuckles on the ground wherever it went,” the professor said.

The £6.6 billion Large Toaster toasted a whole loaf of bread today as part of its ambitious bid to reveal details about the fine art of toasting.

“This is the most expensive piece of f*cking toast in the world. Look at the shine on this thing. You can smell it too. I just put some butter on the toast and I saw the steam rise as the bread ate up the delicious butteriness,” Lee Oswald Munchen, chief scientist in charge of the project said.

Dubbed the world’s largest toasting experiment, the Large Toaster holds the promise of revealing details about bread particles and microforces in the wheat in a single slice of bread, scientists say.

Out of 500 scientists who helped engineer the project, all but one were fed with the wonderful toast from the machine.

“It’s a very complicated machine but we finally got there folks,” said Jens Sliberdekker of Harvard Cambridge National Laboratory. “When that toast popped up, there were cheers from everyone and a lot of tears of joy I might add. I have to say, this toaster is the best thing since sliced bread.”