“We are preparing the stretcher to take Gordon Brown away from Number10. He will have to be carried by five highly trained stretcher bearers who will load him into the ambulance and drive him away as discretely as possible. We understand that there may be some media interest at the time so we have decided to disguise the ambulance as an ice cream van,” Johnnie Willits, senior emergency coordinator for Westminster council told the Mirror.

After the unelected ex-prime minister is loaded into the ambulance, he will be taken to a secret location where he will be treated, if still alive.

Understandably, staff at Number10 have been keeping a low profile while the preparations are being made.

“We all know what’s being done for the grand Brown exit. When he comes into a room we just stay quiet and don’t say a word. There’s a feeling of death in Number10 at the moment, and it doesn’t matter how much spin his Magda Goebbels wife does for the media, even she can’t thwart the inevitable,” a Number10 staffer told the Squib.

“We have reason to believe that Liberal Democrat candidate, Nicholas Clegg was nearly kidnapped last night but the plot was foiled by our officers who had been tracking the Tories for some time,” Detective Inspector, Michael Knutter told the Independent.

The Conservative MPs tried to kidnap the popular Lib. Dem. leader from his home and ship him to France where he could be stranded, because of the volcanic ash travel chaos. The Tories were hoping that Mr Clegg would be stranded in France until after the election was over.

“We found intricate plans detailing the kidnap plot and we swooped on the properties of the Conservative MPs early in the morning. One particular MP even tried to hide in his duck house but was eventually discovered by one of our police dogs,” Inspector Knutter added.

Ever since the infamous election TV debates, the knives have been out for Clegg who has trumped both Labour and the Conservatives in popularity polls.

“This volcanic ash disruption of the airlines had something fishy about it and that’s why we decided to investigate,” Bernard Morgan, a British Airways senior manager told an emergency meeting last night in London.

British government officials were also shipped over to Iceland to see the damning evidence that has grounded the whole airline industry as well as British Airways.

There are serious questions to be asked. Why did a team of thirty Unite union members transport 450 tonnes of high grade explosive to the crater of the volcano last week under cover of darkness? Why did they then flee the country soon after the massive eruption? Why have investigators found Unite union manuals at the bottom of Eyjafjallajoekull volcano?

Geological scientists and volcanic experts were said to corroborate the allegations that the eruption could have been caused by sabotage. According to leading experts, the Stratovolcano could easily be ruptured by a large explosion freeing up the immense pressure build up from below.

“Looks like the Unite union will do anything to ground British Airways, and if that means taking out all the other airlines too, well, there you have it. The evidence is damning to say the least, they somehow engineered the volcano to erupt. Let’s say that they gave it a helping hand. We will make sure that they are brought to justice and punished to the full extent of the law for their crimes,” Mr Morgan vowed on Friday.“

Unite union officials at their head office in Grimstye, North-East England, refused to comment on the serious allegations yesterday.

“Yesterday and today were bliss, I didn’t hear one single aeroplane in the sky. There were no trails, no noise, just sweet silence. It’s utter joy and I pray there are more volcanic eruptions in the future,” a resident of Hounslow, West London told the BBC.

All across the country there have been quiet celebrations at the grounding of all aircraft.

Hush the blighted skies

“Every day we have over 700 flights over our house, starting from 4am till the next morning. I’ve just been out in the garden relaxing and all I heard was this lovely deafening silence. It’s absolutely wonderful, I can’t describe the feeling of peace that has come across me without the incessant noise of low flying commercial aircraft constantly there,” Sarah Heron, from Putney told ITV.

Many people across the UK are praying that the silent skies last for many days. Here’s to more volcanic eruptions bringing us peaceful quiet blue skies to look up and enjoy.

Speaking from the Starship Bollocks, Captain Berk said: “We have beamed up the three serial bullshitters from the planet Quango and put them on a one way trip to the outer reaches of the Alpha Centauri star system. They did try to evade capture but we set phasers to stun and got them to the transporter room pronto.”

According to Starfleet records, the three bullshit merchants tried to talk their way out of the situation with the same old load of tosh that has been spouted since time immemorial.

“These serial bullshit artists, especially the Klingon, Gordon Brown, skirted around the real issues and questions with lots of repetition, empty rhetoric and lies, lies, lies,” Lieutenant commander Smock told the bridge.

Scotty then beamed up the miscreants who were then despatched to an off world colony somewhere in sector 54T.