“Britain and Zimbabwe have many parallels. We have both had wonderful elections where despite the majority of the population voting for the opposition, Gordon and I still stayed in power. We also had instances of massive voter fraud as well as our thugs turning away thousands of potential voters from polling stations. But now, we will also have a similar economy because of our steely grip on power. Soon the UK pound will be almost as worthless as the Zimbabwe dollar. The people of Britain much like Zimbabwe will need to take suitcases of money around with them to buy the simplest of goods, that is, if there are any goods left in the shops. To this end, I have cancelled another one of my bogus elections, which I will no doubt  win again, to leave immediately to the UK to congratulate my dear friend and pupil Gordon Brown. I have even postponed my weekly torture schedule to accomodate Mr Brown, who has come a long way from his unelected entrance into the fray a few years ago,” Mr Mugabe told Zimbabwe state television last night.

Gordon Brown, who was relaxing in Number10 today watching a some of the DVD boxset films given to him by US president Barack Obama last year, was in a jubilant mood at news that his old friend was to visit.

“I am absolutely delighted that Mr Mugabe, my dear old friend, is coming to visit me. I hope to have him offer me even more advice about how to conduct bogus elections and increase levels of voter fraud. I will be asking more economic advice from him, and will also give him tips on how to ruin his country further too,” Mr Brown said from Downing street.

Speaking deep from within his bunker in Downing street, the British Soviet Broadcasting Company cameras recorded the supreme unelected leader’s speech.

“Comrades, there was an attempt to install democracy on our one party system last night. I am happy to say that the attempt was violently quashed and crushed like a grape under my great clunking fist of soviet dictatorship. I am also happy to say that the workers and agents we installed in the polling stations eventually achieved their objective by erasing the votes of those who had misguidedly voted against me, i.e. 98.9% of voters. I would like to also thank our agents who turned away these democratic voters from polling stations in their thousands. It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who
cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide
everything. Already as we speak, my Stasi agents are rushing through the countryside rounding up dissenters. They will all be rounded up and taken to re-education camps in sector 101 where they will have the pleasure of enjoying the next 42 years of their lives crushing rocks. You will all learn to love me comrades, remember these words – War is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength. Go now to your freezing tenements and tower blocks and recite those words whilst you eat your cold gruel.”

In other news: Stasi agents praised 12 year-old Holly from Sector 23 who reported her father and sister for speaking words of shame against Comrade Brown during a televisual BSBC propaganda program. Holly will be awarded six months of increased butter rations and an extra tin of dog food. Thoughtcrimes will not be tolerated. We are watching and listening to you.

“Our great unelected comrade in chief, Gordon Brown is set to win another unelected election victory on May 6. Turnout for the vote will be 100%, and every man, woman and child in our great Soviet British state will vote for our supreme leader. All the other candidates, of which there are none, wil be superseded and routed at the Soviet ballot boxes,” Commissar Mandelson told state British Soviet Broadcasting agency, the SBBC before the broadcast from the great Comrade Brown.

Comrade Brown himself made another one of his eloquent, noble speeches yesterday whilst relaxing at his dacha in Grimly, North East Sector 20, just off Junction 18 of the M34.

“Comrades, Stasi henchmen, Commissars and brave Bolshevik fighters. I address you from my dacha in Grimly and thank the SBBC for broadcasting this televisual message to you all. It is very pleasant here amongst the volcanic ash sludge falling from the cold grey rain drenched skies. I can see the future for Soviet Britain from here, yes and you have guessed it, it’s me, your beloved comrade in arms.

“The upcoming election for me is a deciding factor in all of your future. I know comrades, you will all make the correct decision in this fair and democratic election because our officials will be commandeering the polling booths and counting the votes. You will see on the ballot paper many options that will allow you to vote for me, therefore please vote carefully.

“Never in the
history
of the
world have there been such really free and really democratic elections
— never! History knows no other example like it.  The
point is not that our elections will be universal, equal, secret and
direct, although that fact in itself is of no great importance to you.
Even that horrible bigoted woman, Gillian Duffy, was forcibly made to
sign her postal vote when my henchmen attended her home in Rochdale last
week. Remember proles, let us count the votes and you shall have the
leader that you deserve
— me, of course.”

The elections on May 6 are not merely elections, our beloved unelected Comrade Brown has declared a national holiday for all workers, all peasants and all
intelligentsia.

Comrade Brown has also declared that on this historic day, every person in Soviet Britain will be given an extra sugar cube ration and a large bag of oats for the next winter.