“We pump the stocks up with good news, then we get one of our boys to release some juicy info that’s kind of scary, then we dump the shares and commodities. Repeat this a few times a week and you can make some serious profits, especially if you go short and long both ways,” Alan Deano, a Wall Street pit trader told MSNBC.

Pump and dumpers used to use phone calls in the old days but now the internet does all the work for them.

“With the internet you can get news around the world in less than a second. Before, we had to use phone calls to the right people for the news and then by the time it’s printed in the newspapers it’s too f*cking late or the effect is minimal. Now I can clean up by lunchtime. I’ll buy up half of Africa when the stock is dumped, then we start pumping again and again. It’s hard work you know,” Mr Deano added before speeding off in his new Lamborghini.

The new coalition government last week revealed their wonderful plan to increase capital gains tax to over 50% on all non-business assets which will be implemented in June.

Labour ministers have been gloating at the decrepit feeble coalition.

“We’ve got an ineffectual emasculated bunch of castrated Tories who are frankly yellow to the core. Then we’ve got the Lib-Dems who are basically like our Labour party, good-for-nothing pseudo Marxists on some kind of demented power trip to redistribute Britain’s wealth and give away billions of pounds to welfare scroungers. That’s why with the new CGT directive, everyone and their uncle are selling up and moving out. Soon all these babbling baboons will have, will be a ghost country full of benefits scroungers and tumbleweed. This bunch of morons will do more damage to the economy than we could have ever hoped,” a laughing Labour minister told the Mirror.

By punishing the people who have been prudent savers, the Con-Dem government have condemned Britain to another recession which will be worse than the first one.

“There is nothing to aspire to in Britain because if you save, if you work hard to earn money, it will be taken away from you and given to the black hole welfare state debt maelstrom of shit. We’re all fucked because of Cameron’s weakness, he’s a babbling baby with no bollocks of any kind. Sell up and leave
forever because it will only get worse,” a Westminster insider revealed today.