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Why it Doesn’t Matter if You Miss a Call on an iPhone 4

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“If I miss a call on my iPhone it doesn’t matter, because it can’t make or receive calls anyway,” Junior Velasquez, an Apple fan who queued for three days to buy the new iPhone 4 last month told Wired magazine.

All over the world millions of iPhone 4 customers are revelling in the new iPhone 4’s inability to make or receive calls.

“Maybe this is the new thing. Like owning a phone that does not take calls or let you make a call. But hey, it’s got a lot of apps on it, so that makes up for the fact that you can’t get a signal on this totally expensive must-have gadget that has obviously been rushed out by Apple,” Mr Velasquez added.

Daily Squib World Cup Offer Giving Away Free Vuvuzela CD to Every Reader

Exclusive Only to the Daily Squib

We are giving away the world renowned vuvuzela orchestra CD to every reader of the Daily Squib. To claim your FREE CD offer, just telephone the number below and we will send the album to you free of charge.

Phone: 0845 111 0000 to claim your free Vuvuzela CD (calls cost £35/second)

Listen to Vuvuzela FM, a radio station dedicated to the wonder of the vuvuzela and that should hold you over until your free vuvuzela CD arrives in the post.

The Vuvuzela Orchestra of South Africa consists of 200 vuvuzela musicians who contribute to over 800 minutes of spectacular vuvuzela compositions on the CD.

You too can relive the 2010 World Cup experience simply by putting your headphones on, cranking up the volume to 120 dB and incurring permanent hearing loss.

Oprah Winfrey Uncovered as Russian Spy

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Ms Winfrey was arrested late yesterday
evening
in the world famous Harpo studios where she films her Oprah series.

“We have detained Oprah Winfrey on suspicion of passing US recipe secrets, celebrity gossip and sob stories featuring disadvantaged families to the Russians. Things like how to make a great Pecan pie, and what Tom Cruise’s pre-show scientological exercises are. Ms Winfrey was arraigned today and will be held at an undisclosed location until we review her case,” Special agent Dean Cloggs, of the FBI told CNN.

In a statement, the US Department of Justice said that Oprah Winfrey had been living under an assumed name. Her real name is Ivana Tolstak and she hails from Kozhukhovskaya, a Moscow suburb. According to FBI files, Ms Winfrey also drinks copious amounts of vodka everyday and it is this trait that gave her away.

“We just followed the vodka trail and it led straight to Oprah. I’m not shitting you, she downs about two or three bottles of Streletskaya a day. She was caught covertly relaying sensitive information to Russian agents with the use of advanced steganography software to encrypt messages and hide information on public websites. Our agents also uncovered notes on how to interrogate her celebrity guests on the shows and don’t forget the cash we found in her luxury apartment. Yes, we found over $500 million in cash stuffed under her mattress along with launch codes for US silos holding nuclear missiles all over America. Dang, it’s a good thing we got to her before she caused all out war,” Mr Cloggs said.

Millions of Americans were in mourning today after the terrible news was revealed: “I can’t believe she was a Russkie spy. Hell, she was so nice and loving. Every day I’d watch her shows. If she’s a traitor, they should put her in an electric chair on her own goddamn show. God bless America,” long time Oprah fan, Amy Lou Dumper, from Chicago told CBS.

England Football Team Fly into Scotland for Heroes Welcome

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The disgraced England team touched down at Glasgow International airport today and were met with crowds of jubilant Scottish football fans.

“They’ve done us proud. It was a beautiful 4-1 loss and the England boys were brilliant in their defeat,” Angus McJocker, told the Daily Saltire.

There were celebrations all over Scotland and especially in Gordon Brown’s constituency of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath.

“Gordon ruined the English economy and shat all over their parliament, and now their team got buggered by the Germans in the World Cup. It’s like the battle of Bannockburn all over again,” another Scottish football fan quipped.

England Win World Cup by Beating Germany

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It was 1966/1945 all over again. After so many years of hurt, the England team finally won the world cup in spectacular style today.

The 2010 world cup has at times resembled another major historical event that occurred in the last century: when first the frogs surrendered, then the yanks turned up late and it was left up to the English to fight the krauts.

Despite the Germans having a lot of concentration in their camp and a lot of strength in their right wing, England got past their defences and dropped a dam buster into the German goal 23 minutes into the first half via Corporal Rooney.

The Germans fought back valiantly with a pincer movement that nearly breached England’s cliffs of Dover but were thwarted by the battle of Britain in midfield.

The Great Escape

German striker, Junkers Rommel got close to the English goal 38 minutes in by dive bombing a screaming Stuka shot at goal but hitting the post, then Freddy Goering attempted to drop another doodlebug on the English instead missing and slamming the ball into the crazed fans behind goal.

The second England goal, this time scored by First Lieutenant Gerrard, was a real stonker and sailed in from 150 yards coming just before half time.

Fritz, at 54 minutes into the game, flanked the Maginot line defence and invaded from the rear utlising their Panzerschreck strikers, but again were stopped dead in their tracks by the superior armour of the English. There was panic in the England team’s ranks when the Germans seemed to be getting the upper hand and England manager, Fabio Capello thought about switching sides for a second in true Italian style but decided against it at the last moment.

England scored the final goal on the 93rd minute with only a minute of extra time remaining by cracking the code with a shot from Corporal Rooney breaching the Berlin Wall, to catch his second goal.

The Germans had now lost the game, and were reduced to walking through the devastated, crater-filled, Dresden-like pitch back to the shower room for some zyklon-b refreshments.

The war was finally over and all across England people were having street parties to celebrate the momentous victory.

And then I heard the nursie call me, she said: “Hey, you forgot your meds, looks like we need to up the dose again.”

Gurgle, gurgle, blaaah!

England Manager Fabio Capello to Star in Opera Production

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“This will be a dream production, because we will have the whole of the England football team on stage acting as clowns on an imaginary pitch, and Fabio will be there as the director of the clown troupe. He is quite an amazing tenor, almost as good as the late Pavarotti,” Alan Titmunch, the production’s director in chief told the Times.

The opera will be themed in the style of a world cup match between England v Germany, and will plot the trials and tribulations of the Italian tenor trying to control and direct his clowns to perform various tasks. Most of the time the clowns just muck around but sometimes they make a breakthrough.

The opera has already caused a stir at the box office and all tickets have been sold out in less than a day.

“This is the most eagerly awaited opera we have ever staged here in Covent Garden and we must say, it is a true honour to have Mr Capello perform with such passion to the audiences,” Mr Titmunch added.

Compensation Lawyers Clean Up $20 Billion Gulf Fund

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“We have successfully cleaned up the compensation cash which was spilled by the BP suckers. We need more funds though because we’re some greedy ass motherfuckers, so BP, fork over more cash,” Billy Joe Benton, a litigation lawyer told ABC news before driving off at high speed in his $450,000 Bentley.

The lawyers said they were shocked that some of the fund somehow managed to trickle down to compensating people suffering economic losses from the worst oil spill in U.S. history.

“That BP cash spill is earmarked for our law offices only. We can’t believe some of the people who were meant to get that cash actually got it! Y’all must be out of your minds. Everyone knows we get all the cash,” Jacob Kleinstein, a senior litigator at Greed and Greed Litigation firm told Fox News.

Hillary Clinton Eats Fly Off Obama’s Face

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The president was speaking about the Affordable Care Act and the New Patients Bill of Rights in the East Room of the White House in Washington when the bluebottle fly landed on his cheek. Hillary Clinton, who was standing beside the president struck immediately and irradicated the problem fly much to the amazement of the crowd of reporters.

“She took one look at the fly which was going in and out of Obama’s mouth and she struck at it with her stretchy tongue. You see folks, Hillary has a tongue like a lizard and it was so goddamn quick we all just sat back in awe. No one even got a photo. She was standing at least three feet away and you should have seen the look of pleasure on her face when she swiped that fly with her special tongue and munched away. Obama was at first stunned, but immediately thanked Mrs Clinton for her help in getting rid of that pesky fly,” Arnold Grosspoint, a senior features editor for MSNBC reported.

There have been rumours circulating throughout Capitol Hill about Hillary’s extraordinary abilities to shapeshift – although anyone who has ever witnessed the amazing phenomenon has never been seen alive again – certainly little clues have pointed towards her other-worldly qualities.

“I was in her office on Monday morning and noticed a load of shed skin behind her desk. I think reptiles do the same thing once every few months,” Vice President Joe Biden remarked on Wednesday.

Obama to be Reprogrammed in Sleep Says Pentagon

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“Obama resembles a beaten man. He looks like he got bit by a rattle snake on his mangy ass. Moping around beaches kicking sand, mumbling a few words here and there. The boy lost his purpose. That’s why we got to reprogram him to do the job with some f*cking balls man. What happened to him? Sh*t, I seen restroom attendants with more charisma than this turkey, this is an urgent operation that has to be completed for the good of our nation. We’re a laughing stock around the world right now because of this dud,” chief programmer, Herman Fitz, told the Washington Post.

If there ever was a time for the reprogramming of Barack Obama, this is it. He seems to have run out of ideas at home as well as abroad. How long can he cling to the same limited script he was issued when he was placed into the position of president?

“Even GWB let go of the autocue for a second or two sometime during his disastrous presidency, and he was dumber than a bag of hair. This guy Obama needs to have an autocue to talk to his goddamn wife in bed! He couldn’t pour p*ss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel,” a disgusted democrat who voted for Obama, revealed on CNN on Friday.

The reprogramming of Obama is set to commence next week when Mr Fitz will conduct the mind programming operation whilst Obama is asleep in the family bedroom. The CIA operative will try to introduce some sense of charisma and courage into the ailing president’s weak placid constitution.

Mr Fitz added: “He’s eat up with sorry. Too much golf — born on a Wednesday, looking both ways for Sunday. After I reprogram him, he’ll be firing on all pistons and actually doing something useful for a change.”

Unite Airlines to Launch New Transatlantic Service

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“We’ve got a larger fleet than British Airways now and are taking over their routes,” Mr Simpson told a meeting of unionists and Labour supporters last night.

Unite Airlines currently has a fleet of 250 Boeing 737’s and some Junkers Stuka’s within their European routes. The Unite airline group hope to eventually expand to South-East Asia and the Middle East.

There has been one slight concern by passengers flying on the new airline’s planes.

“The pilots are all trolley dollies. They don’t seem to have qualified pilots, just flight attendants with a very rudimentary understanding of the controls. Then there’s the service. Well, it’s non existent. All you get is a Unite official coming round the aisles with a black bin bag of dry rolls and throwing them at the passengers. If you ask for anything else, they swear at you in strong scouse accents and go on an immediate strike. It’s worse than Ryanair and that’s saying something,” Emma Howler, a passenger on route to Guatemala told the BBC.

Flights to most destinations are not cheap under Unite Airlines either. An economy class flight from Manchester to Brussels costs in excess of £2564 off peak season. Unite says that it is necessary for the moderate cost to flights in order to pay for the golden pension schemes and perks of all Unite employees and members.