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Saudi Arabia Bans the French Beret

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According to reports coming from the Royal Saudi Kingdom, the French beret has been banned indefinitely and anyone caught wearing it will be punished with fines, then imprisonment and maybe a stoning or beheading.

“We have seen people going around with French berets, and even some of them walking around with strings of garlic around their shoulders. They ride their bicycles through the city streets looking all French. It is absolutely disgusting behaviour and un-Islamic to say the least. If the French ban the burka, we ban the beret,” Rumbub al Hashmami, a religious leader from Riyadh’s largest mosque told the Saud Times.

Saudi men usually wear a white cloth and the women wear a full burka, Both sexes have been caught wearing berets over their clothes by religious police and reprimanded.

Yesterday after the ban was made known, there were cries of anguish in the streets.

“If I can’t wear my beret in the street, I will wear it at home. They can’t stop me doing that, honh, honh, honh!” Ansar al bin Dhakwan, a resident of Jeddah said angrily whilst being interviewed by Al Jazeera.

There are now calls for all Islamic countries in the Middle East to ban the French beret, and even as far east as Indonesia and Malaysia, there have been calls for a mass beret ban.

David Cameron Presents Obama With Spray Can Graffiti Gift

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“Obama’s going to be going around Washington DC tagging his territory like a pro graffiti artist. I think his tag is Bam Bam or Barry6. If the prez gets caught though, there could be trouble, like he might have to do some community service downtime,” Pedro Homie, a graffiti artist from Washington DC’s Columbia Heights district told NBC.

Obama reciprocated by giving the British prime minister a signed photograph of his best tag piece which can be viewed under a railway bridge in the Capitol Hill area. He also gave the UK premier a DVD box set of James Bond films, in keeping with the British theme of the visit.

The British PM gave the prez, a gift of three spray cans and even a stencil set for those quick spray on slogans come election time in 2012.

“Barry was giving the British dude tips on how to tag walls and public property late at night without getting caught by the fuzz,” a White House press officer said.

Barack Obama will need all the help he can get to beat the Republican candidate, Sarah Palin, in the coming elections, so is getting his tagging up to speed for that very purpose.

David Cameron Launches His Big Society

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Amongst the scallies, hoodies, chavs, neds, scumbags; murderers out early on parole, burglars and politicians, the new PM, David Cameron is set to launch the biggest social project Britain has ever seen.

“I want to empower people to take charge of their own lives. We can have hoodies and chavs delivering meals on wheels to the elderly, that is, before they rob them and beat the living shit out of them. We could have people, who have never worked a day in their lives, actually go out and get a job. And that’s not just MPs, I’m talking about every day citizens on benefits. I want to empower the ordinary masses to take the blame for our broken system. I want them to feel the heat of vitriol and hatred meted out to members of parliament on a daily basis. Let those fuckers hold the can for a while,” Mr Cameron told the Observer on Sunday.

The initiatives being championed include PR campaigns to showcase Cameron’s empty promises that will not affect the root of Britain’s malfunctioning society. 

In his speech, the prime minister is expected to hail the
potential for “the biggest, most dramatic redistribution of blame” from
the state to individuals ever witnessed in modern day Britain.

The deprived area of Liverpool is one of the areas set to benefit from the
initiative.

“We’re starting our campaign in Liverpool because it has a certain reputation shall we say. We parked our Jags and Bentleys outside the conference hall only yesterday, within three minutes, the hubcaps, wheels, interior upholstery, engine and even our chauffeurs had been stolen,” Senior PR executive in charge of the ‘Big Society’ spin machine, Jedward Overman, told the Times.

It is hoped that hundreds of millions of pounds of people’s hard earned savings in dormant bank accounts will be pillaged and used on useless projects that are simply about spin with no substance whatsoever. Welcome to the fold, Mr Blair 2.0.

 

Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone’s New Son Exclusive Pics

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The former London mayor was spotted at London Zoo
yesterday
with his new son from estranged Russian wife Ludmilla Stalin, who worked as a cleaner for the current Mayor, Boris Johnson for a year.

According to rumours circulating, there is a question of the paternity of the child and this is the reason why Mr Livingstone’s wife was sent back to Siberia last week.

“Old Red Ken looked like he was having a great day out with his son. I’m not sure how to say this, but his son looks like someone I’ve seen on posters in the Underground and sides of buses,” Reggie Carbunkle, 65, from East Croydon, who was on a day out with his wife Maureen, told the BBC.

Sightings of Ken Livingstone have been limited since his shameful departure as London Mayor a few years ago, although, he has been heard on the radio quite a lot recently moaning about how his job was stolen by a certain frisky toff. Looks like that’s not the only thing that was tampered with.

“Ken’s son can speak fluent ancient Greek and has a wonderful head of hair, it’s quite astounding actually. He also likes to call commoners like his ‘dad’ an ‘oik’. I wonder who else speaks and acts like that?” another zoo visitor asked.

How Muslim Women in France are Skirting Around Niqab Ban

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“I’m now wearing a
French flag tricolour. There’s nothing they can do to stop me from walking
around with a French flag over my head. Vive la France et Allah!” Nuri Al
Fattah told French channel, Canal+.

Everywhere across France,
from Nice to Calais, from Monaco to Bordeaux, the mainly Algerian descent
women are marching through the streets wearing a French flag over their
heads.

“It’s actually quite nice, because we cannot say to them
that they are stinking Muslim scum anymore like when they were wearing
those black coffins. Now they look rather nice and it would be
unpatriotic for any French Christian person to ask these women to take
down their flags,” Jean Baptiste Renoir, Officer de la paix principal of
the Cherbourg Gendarmerie told Le Figaro.

Gordon Brown Laughing While UK Struggles With £5 Trillion Debt

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Speaking to the Glasgow Herald, Gordon Brown has been hailing his success in destroying the English economy completely after thirteen years of punishment.

“Not only did I sell off England’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market, I left them with £5 Trillion worth of public debt that they will never be able to pay off. Just the interest payments alone will destroy the English taxpayers. Remember that those fuckers pay Scotland a load of cash too. It’s a beautiful justice because I hate them, and I know they hated me, so this is even Stevens as they say,” traitor to the British people, Mr Brown said.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) released a study revealing that the public purse after Labour’s disastrous rule will be faced with £4.84 trillion of liabilities, compared with the current public sector net debt figure of £903bn.

“What Labour have done with our country is a disaster beyond belief. Your children’s children’s children will be paying for Labour’s horrific mistakes for generations to come. There is no end in sight, and all the while these traitors to the British people are out there laughing at their achievements. It makes me truly sick to the pit of my stomach,” Roger Hegel, a Lib Dem MP told the BBC.

“I’m afraid there’s no money left,” the outgoing Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Liam Byrne, jokingly put in a memo for the incoming treasury secretary to see. He was right, of course, Labour had created the biggest black hole in public finances ever seen, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Mel Gibson in Post Production for Next Film "Lethal Mouth II"

The new movie, which will be directed by Mel Gibson, has been touted as the next big blockbuster to come from the Australian actor’s personal film production company, Foulmouth Productions.

“It’s like, going to be a great fuckin’ movie. The plot revolves around a foul mouthed racist abusive drunk who likes to punch women in the f*cking teeth. But, check this out. He saves the day, because even though he’s a sh*tbag with the personality of a moronic Christian evangelist god botherer, whilst on a day trip to a wildlife park in the Bronx, he saves a girl from a ‘pack of ni**ers’ who threaten to rape her. Then there are the jews in the movie, not only do they thieve all the money from everyone in the cast, they also start all the frickin’ wars and the strife throughout the whole film. But of course, Mel’s character comes along, he wears sandals and starts preaching the gospel of Gibson to save the day. This movie is going to break the box office, I tell you. This script has been on Mel’s mind for a very long time and finally it’s coming into fruition,” Mel’s agent, Jakob Lieberhymie, told Talent Weekly.

Mel Gibson chose to set the location of the film in his own house, sources close to the production have revealed.

“He’s been filming this movie in his own house and using people around him. At first I thought it was a bit strange but then I got used to it, much like the black eyes, the broken teeth and abuse from his drunken ass mouth,” Gibson’s estranged Russian girlfriend told CNN’s Larry King yesterday. She is set to recieve a massive six figure payoff for her role in the film before she moves onto the next dumb sucker to fleece.

Exclusive to the Daily Squib, listen to an audio excerpt from the movie: Mel Gibson’s Lethal Mouth II

Mel Gibson Going Out With Octomom?

The new couple were photographed walking around Sunset Boulevard yesterday and sparked rumours of romance.

Mel’s publicist, Smaka Mabitchup, did not confirm or deny the rumour that the couple were an item when asked by the X17 papparazzi agency.

Gossip columnists in Hollywood were speculating about the importance of such a union: “Mel already has about 15 kids, then add on Nadya Octomom’s kids and that makes about 43 between them both. I guess that was the main attraction between these two, oh, and don’t forget Mel’s millions. We all know that Octomom needs the money real bad,” Laurie Koot, editor for Hollywood Today wrote.

Octomom is so desperate for any money that she said she will put up with the violence meted out daily from serial pugilist, Gibson.

“Everything comes at a cost huh? I hear that Octomom is going to be Mel’s personal punch bag so that she can set up camp with her brood. Anything for the dollars,” one of the waiters at a restaurant attended by the two lovebirds told TMZ.

Northumberland Police Discover Location of Their Own Cafeteria

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Speaking from the Northumberland police’s headquarters, Chief Constable Sue Dim, said that she was very happy to disclose the fact that some officers have finally discovered where their own cafeteria is located in their own police HQ building.

“I’ve been here for six years now and am proud to announce that I have finally came across the cafeteria, which has eluded me and many of my esteemed colleagues for a very long time. If you go along this corridor, take a left past the sarge’s office, then take a right you can go and buy a sarnie or chip butty. Who would’ve thought eh?” DCC Dim said.

Last week, Northumberland police made another incredible discovery; they discovered that their desk computers have to switched on by pressing the power button and have to be plugged into the wall socket.

“We’re making progress every week. I hope that we someday solve a crime, or even better, catch a madman wearing bright orange clothes roaming around in full view of everyone with a shotgun,” DCC Dim told the Northumberland constabulary’s Incompetence Magazine, published tri-monthly.

Whitney Houston Eats Whole Crack Rock During CBS Early Show Appearance

“She was cooking up more than her Jamaican Jerk chicken for sure. She popped that crack rock into her mouth and started chewing like a motherfucker,” Early Show host Harry Smith said after the DEA stormed the studio during filming.

Audience members say they saw Ms Houston take the large crack rock out of her “fucked up hairdo” and pop it in her mouth. She then started to stir the Jerk chicken recipe wildly in the pot and her eyes rolled up in their sockets whilst uttering a godawful banshee squeal of ecstasy.

“She chewed that crack rock like it was a lump of sugar. I guess she couldn’t hold on. Hell, the recipe segment is only about three minutes long but she still took that rock and couldn’t even wait to go back stage,” CBS anchor, Julie Chen, admiringly quipped after the show.

Whitney Houston was arrested by DEA officers during the show and taken away still singing her hit song “I Will Always Love You”and snorting like a wild pig.

CBS received thousands of complaints from viewers later on, and have vowed to review the quality of celebrity guests that appear on the family show.