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Hunter Biden Gives Tips on Multitasking Skills Whilst Driving at 172 MPH

The Ed
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Hunter Biden Gives Tips on Multitasking Skills Whilst Driving at 172 MPH

Hunter Biden, the darling of the FBI, who can get away with anything thanks to the sweetheart deals brokered by his father, has given tips to the MSNBC network on his multitasking skills as he regularly drives his Porsche at 172 MPH, smoking crack and is fellated by three working girls at the same time.

Suspected cocaine found in White House’s West Wing under investigation

“I was on the way to Vegas for another orgy, and I was coordinating with over a dozen girls on my cell phone whilst swerving insanely through traffic at 170-190 mph, taking hits off my crack pipe and getting blown by three girls at the same time.

hunter crack 172 mph

Time is money

“I want to talk about my multitasking skills, and how you too can manage many wonderful tasks at the same time.

“First thing you gotta do is light up your crack pipe. It’s the first and last thing I do in any day. Crack is great stuff, man, it can make you do superhuman things that no sober person can do. Sure, my teeth eventually rotted away, but I got new porcelain ones the next fuckin’ day.

“This won’t work with everyone but exceeding the speed limit is a privilege that I can do, and you can’t. Do you have connections like I do? Exactly. Shit, I can shoot people on a street right there, bam, dead, and get away with it. I am above the law. I don’t even have to pay frickin’ taxes for all the ill-gotten gains me and the Big Guy got, allegedly.

“Anyway, check this out folks, the cops stopped me and I puffed some crack smoke right in the officer’s eyes as he asked me how fast I was travelling. I just told him, do you know who my dad is? I could have you doing traffic citations in fuckin’ Alaska by next week. Well, he rolled his eyes and let me go. It’s great to be the son of a corrupt politician who has to answer to no one and can get away with any blatant crime they commit. In fact, it makes me get hard just at the thought of it, scuse me, I gotta take another hit. *schtoooom*

Multitasking skills

“There’s room for everyone in my Porsche, and the three ladies I had that day were on lollipop duty. Like you take one long toke of the pipe, and they take three licks of the other long pipe, you know what I’m saying? The trick is not to release too fast, you gotta let it all linger for as long as possible, the pleasure mounts, it escalates, then you take another sip of the crack pipe, and it propels the pleasure forward keeping you right on the edge of releasing your goodies all over their eager faces. Damn, if I relinquish, I gotta have a line-up of girls with their faces anticipating the reward for their dear service to the USA. You know like eager pets ready for their daily snack, kibbles and shit, and then boom, I give one hottie a taste, then move along the line, you know it’s a fuckin’ production line these gals are workin’ on. You gotta time it right, all of them gotta have their tongues outstretched too. You want eye contact as well, that actually doubles or triples the pleasure, and then ‘boom’ the force of it. I am god right there and then, I can fuckin’ do anything, I am untouchable, even the FBI, CIA, and DEA cannot touch me. I am a superstar at that moment, drink it up baby, lap it up, you’re my little doggy.

“But it’s not all highs, folks, when you put the pipe down, sure there are lows, but that’s life huh you can’t be high all the time. So, you have to manage those times when you don’t have a crack pipe in your mouth, or are dealing with some CCP affiliated company making dodgy deals by using your dad’s position in government. When I make illegal money and don’t pay tax, that in itself makes me high. The IRS will be told to stand down, because pops weaponised all these agencies for his own purposes. He uses these government agencies to harass and ruin the political opposition and to win elections. You will see how it works in 2024, just like that chump Trump is getting hammered by pops daily, while we get away with everything. It’s so beautiful, I just gotta little pre-juice drippin’ down. Open up baby, yes, lap up the head off that.

“Hope you all enjoyed my tips and tricks, folks? Remember next time you are bombing down the highway at 172 MPH smoking a shitload of crack and getting blown by three underage Russian ladies of the night, unless you are Hunter Biden, you ain’t gonna get away with it. S-o-o-r-ry…*schtooom*”

The Modern Sickness: Cheap Air Travel

The Ed
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The Modern Sickness: Cheap Air Travel

Once upon a time, air travel used to be an exclusive thing; these days it is not, every Joe and their uncle can afford to fly, and this is the crux of the modern disease. When you’re getting every Joe and their uncle in aeroplanes, you are getting the mentally ill, the moronic, the vulgar unclean masses all up at 30,000 feet, and it all can be a recipe for disaster.

Cheap air travel

Unless you are flying first class or even business class these days, the sheer indignity of being put in cattle or baggage class is a terrible punishment that no one with any standards should have to go through. The only problem is the fucking price of flying with any sort of dignity, or away from the mentally ill marauding horde stuck in cattle class. The worst offender for mental gymnastics is of course any sort American airline company. The US population has the highest level of psychos, whackos, sickos and fuckos in the world. Any sort of person going onto planes and shouting their heads off or causing a general ruckus over some trivial thing or imaginary thing is what people in cattle class have to deal with.

Look at this video of a woman who sincerely believes that a person in the back of a plane is an imaginary person, or does not exist, or is an apparition of an imaginary person that does exist, or whatever the fuck is going on in her deranged frazzled miniscule brain.

It is better not to travel than to have to be around the fucking riff-raff allowed to travel these days. As for European travel, the worst sort of people are found on these cheap flights, from British tourists from Northern England going on their cheap booze up package holiday in some Spanish meat grinder fuck hole, or nutters who get the idea to suddenly open the doors of the aircraft at 25,000 feet. You have the yobbos, the thugs, slags, football chanting hive mind violent morons, and all the other detritus from some of the shittiest parts of Britain and Europe all stuck in one stinking plane journey. All of these scummy pieces of shit decided they should travel at the same time, and in reality, yes the doors should be opened up at 5,000 feet and each and every one of them jettisoned into the ocean below without a parachute.

Here is a vintage Air France advertisement showing off their food, from a bygone era.

air2 food

If you cannot afford to travel, you should not be allowed onto a plane. The same goes for having kids, but that’s another story altogether.

Mafia-style Acid Bath Funerals Now With the Co-op

The Ed
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Mafia-style Acid Bath Funerals Now With the Co-op

The mafia have been using this technique for decades and is a tried and trusted method of getting rid of bodies without any trace. The Co-op Funeralcare service now offers the process of dissolving human bodies with a mix of potassium hydroxide and water.

“One minute you’se gotta body, next minute it’s like mush put down the drain. Badda boom badda bing, we get rid of you. It’s like the ultimate way of cancelling someone,” one of the technicians in charge of the disintegration service revealed to the BBC.

Liquidate

Carmine Furio, one of the staff at the Co-op facility, revealed the process in detail.

“We gotta good crew of goombas here. The other day I was talkin’ to Angelo “Quack Quack” Ruggiero, and he said that we gotta lotta fockin’ stiffs piling up. All this burial shit, we runnin’ out of space here. Sure thing, blam, I gotta fockin’ idea, instead of these gavone mudderfuckers hangin’ about with frickin’ spades trina find a spot to bury these stiffs, why not put ’em in acid baths?

“Marone, It’s easy work, we even manjare on the job. Stuff da stiffs in a fuckin’ bucket, sta ta zee you dead fuck, eh, you can’t talk back now eh, you’re a fockin’ stiff. Stoo gatz, we’re munchin’ on svolia tell, Napoleons, and capa gool, this cagherone titsoon walks in. I told the muffugga to stata zee, stop breakin’ our balls here. He wants his rent money, so we whack the ja mook right there and then. Knocked him da fuck out, and stick him in another bucket. Anthony starts pouring the stuff over this fung gool mudderfucker, when he starts twitching, da scecco wuz still alive. I finished eating my ga gootz, then whacked him again, this time with a metal fockin’ rod. He soon looked like some ri gawt, smelled like puzzi though.”

The funeral provider anticipates that the cost of resomation will be similar to that of a traditional cremation.

Initially, resomation will only be offered in certain locations – which are yet to be announced – with the intention of expanding it across the UK, the funeral chain said.

French Riots: Never Underestimate the Level of Rage of the Disenfranchised

The Ed
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French Riots: Never Underestimate the Level of Rage of the Disenfranchised

Yes, France is burning once again as the riots and torched vehicles move from one city to the next. There are multiple variables and factors that cause splits in societies, but many are triggered by undercurrents of animosity caused by religion. The riots are in response to the execution of a North African teen by a policeman. If one looks at the trigger for certain events, the root, the initial spark; we only have to find the underlying cause of indemnity within the fractures of religions. The indigenous French are staunch Roman Catholics and the Algerians, Tunisians, Moroccans etc are Muslims.

Different religious groups of course can coexist within a so-called egalitarian society, however in France, the ghettos on the outskirts of cities and towns where the Untermensch are bundled into vast towers is proof that these forgotten disenfranchised people are deemed lesser than real French people. The French are some of the most racist people in the world, and some will admit their racism outwardly without issue, and others will keep the undercurrent simmering underneath the veneer of forced civility.

In reality, when there are vast chasms in disparity in groups then there will be violence, simply because the elastic band of hatred has been pulled too far back. These events are natural cyclical rituals which must be fulfilled to sate the gods of the respective religious and racially diverse groups fighting each other. France has a similar violent reaction as the Americans experience once in a while, yet here in the United Kingdom, not so much, possibly because the police are unarmed and lenient. Much like tectonic plates suddenly and violently snapping together, the earthquake of violence appears over time, only needing a single catalyst to release the pressure.

Humans are beasts that fear and misunderstand each other, these beasts roaming their supposed civilised cities and towns still predominantly believe in archaic myths and nonsensical unscientific tribal religions that only create hatred and animosity within this world. What is an organised religion other than a ball and chain from birth to some sort of tribe that was created by other men to soothe the thought of one day dying and as a supposed societal control system? Yes, you will go to heaven if you are good, and you will go to hell if you are bad — atone for your inherent sins, as you were born a sinner, and some guy who never existed, who could walk on water and turn water into wine will save you. Religions are borne from an almost slave-like praise of an unseen god who demands total control over the human and is watching and judging you all the time. This level of control over something that has no scientific basis in existence is possibly the greatest form of indoctrination ever released on the psyche of humanity.

Another key factor is that France is France, and the original Gauls have in effect been invaded by millions of North and Sub Saharan Africans. It is the colonial disease, and your silly EU Schengen system where free movement across borders means many things — almost all of them negative, and it all adds to the malaise.

The other silent factor is overpopulation. It is the silent ‘elephant in the room’ subject that no one dares to talk about, but is the underlying explanation for all of humanity’s current suffering. With overpopulation there is a marked increase in violence, terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, factory farming, desertification, flooding, societal devastation, ultimately leading to the entire destruction of the human species as all finite resources are used up, and the entire environment is destroyed. Once it’s gone, it’s gone, and there is no turning back.

May the fires burn, as Macron dances the night away at Elton John concerts, one can only dream of the swine actually doing something about his bloated fractured country. Instead, he will continue to dance over the charred bones of those who find their pitiful lives intolerable, choosing to die fighting. It is the only way they can express themselves.

It is all a far cry from the good old days, eh…

 

This Summer Must-Have: 3 Perks of Well-Chosen Awnings

The Ed
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This Summer Must-Have: 3 Perks of Well-Chosen Awnings

Summer has already arrived in our gardens. Having an outdoor pool, sipping an ice-cold drink, and chatting with friends while sunbathing sounds perfect, however, with the hot season also comes some challenges – for instance, finding proper protection from the sun and reducing heat exposure. Installing a modern house awnings is an easy solution to create a perfect oasis for relaxation and functional outdoor living space. Read on and learn why this outdoor shading system is a must-have regarding quality sun protection, efficient temperature regulation (indoors as well!) and versatility of outdoor living areas.

One Long-Lasting Investment – Multiple Advantages for Summers to Come

House awnings can benefit your balcony, patio or any other type of backyard construction. Regarding efficient protection from heat and harmful UV rays, modern awnings:

  • Create a lovely shade of the desired size
  • Reduce heat and protects from harmful UV-rays
  • Protect outdoor furnishings from fading

Simply put, quality shades extend the outdoor living area during hot summer days and allow you to get the most out of your balcony or patio despite the weather. A modern awning also works perfectly as protection from mild rain, therefore – mould too.

More Resource-Efficient Home? Enjoy Awnings’ Perks Indoors Too!

Another most overlooked benefit of an awning is a shade for the inside of your house. Awnings can protect not just the outside furniture, but also the inside furniture. While it can get hot in-house during the sunny season, sometimes even open windows cannot help to cool down the air. The usual solution is an air conditioning system – a simple solution yet not without extra expenses. Good news – by providing extra shade for the inside, an innovative awning can also help you save on air conditioning.

Helpful tip – invest in an automated operating mechanism and enjoy an even more resource-efficient home. Compatible with popular smart home systems, automated shades can operate according to weather conditions. You’ll just need solar sensors to maintain a desired atmosphere automatically.

Experience the Versatility of Modern Outdoor Covers

A nice gathering in the backyard is also a great summer idea. However, evenings with friends can extend and continue well into the night. You might want to get some backyard lights or candles to brighten the space and create a cosy ambience. But with the right awning comes another easy solution. A retractable roof can have multiple features, such as integrated lights, and there’s no need to go indoors if it starts to rain.

A modern awning is a stylish and functional outdoor living must-have. It provides a final touch to any exterior and lets us enjoy the outdoors despite the weather throughout the day. Want to find the best option for your home? Consult with professionals who can offer various designs, mounting and operating options and other latest functions.

Beyond Satire: Harvard Scientist Who Studies Honest Behaviour Accused of Dishonest Study Results

The Ed
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Beyond Satire: Harvard Scientist Who Studies Honest Behaviour Accused of Dishonest Study Results

Another ‘Beyond Satire’ story falls on our lap, this time through dishonest fakery of the most deplorable kind — faking science. Imagine a scientist who supposedly dedicates their entire career to studying the field of ‘honest behaviour’ suddenly having the acrid spotlight of dishonesty and fakery shone upon themselves. Yes, it is beyond satire in a scientific manner that is truly astonishing with its shameful despicable indignity.

The Harvard Business School Behavioural scientist Francesca Gino has been placed under academic leave after her colleagues found out she fabricated study results and falsified data in a 2012 study in which Gino and two other behavioural scientists concluded that people who sign honesty pledges before filling out forms are more likely to be truthful than those who sign them after completing said forms.

The study in question was published by the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and featured data from an insurance company that looked into whether clients accurately reported mileage and other key figures.

“There is very strong evidence that the data were fabricated,” researchers at the blog DataColada wrote in their then-anonymous 2021 post about the study.

A month after the blog post was published, the journal retracted the offending study.

Though the paper itself suggests that its data points were directly submitted by consumers, the bloggers said that an Excel file lead them to believe someone connected to the study had tampered with its results.

As Wharton behavioural scientist Maurice Schweitzer told the NYT, this debacle has created “reverberations in the academic community” because Gino has “so many collaborators, so many articles, who is really a leading scholar in the field.”

Scientists fabricating data in their research studies is not an unknown concept, however academics who specifically study the field of ‘honesty’ and are ‘dishonest’ in collating their data is certainly a unique ‘Beyond Satire‘ moment in time.

Maybe Francesca Gino should consider a career change from science to politics?

Latest Global Woke News Bulletin From Your Supreme Comrade

The Ed
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Latest Global Woke News Bulletin From Your Supreme Comrade

Dear Comrades,

The singular woke global communist disease, ahem, I mean ideology is going well and as planned. My 10-year collectivist plan is slowly coming into fruition, it is called the Great Leap Backwards.

We have indoctrinated the Western nations into the woke agenda, and many, including the elite of your nations, have fallen into line through cash incentives. Corporate companies have embraced wokism as their ideology because it allows for their products to continue to be manufactured in sweat shops and slave farms in China. As we daily commit genocide on the Uyghur people, they are also forced to work in factories manufacturing plastic shoes for immoral greed-driven woke companies like Nike, and we do not pay these workers anything. The suicide nets we have on all tall buildings ensure that communist slave workers get to end their lives making cheap products for Western companies to sell to their customers for huge profits and not as mush on tarmac.

In conjunction with the WEF, UN and EU, who we control and dictate to completely, as well as our beloved comrade Joe Biden, we would like to congratulate you all in indoctrinating your populace with woke communist ideology, which is demoralising your nations from the inside. Your entire education systems have been wokified, and under the guise of ‘inclusivity’ the communist woke system is actually an unforgiving exclusive ideology where censorship, cancellation and intolerance are daily enacted, fracturing and dividing your nations further internally. Your wokified Big Tech companies are the guardians who indoctrinate your populations daily and endeavour to create a hive mind of communist woke think, deleting, censoring, vaporising and cancelling any individuals who have thoughts of their own. Divide and conquer is a great strategy, and this is what we are using on your demoralised population whilst China is a united singular nation of strong citizens, you are being encouraged to indoctrinate your men in homosexuality, feminity, gender dysphoria, confusion and other horrific practices. Your women are being trained into being masculine, virile Marxist activists and deranged anger-filled social justice warriors intent on murdering any men who try to compete with them in any way.

Remember comrades, we are watching you daily, and through the woke ideology which we have integrated into your pliant Western society, one day your society will completely break down. Do not worry, Chinese troops will be landing on your shores and parachuting into your gardens to take you to special concentration camps, ahem, I mean to liberate and save you.

Keep up with your woke censorship, cancel culture because it is ‘inclusive’ and ‘tolerant’.

This is your supreme comrade Uncle Xi signing out for now.

Available For Next Christmas: Flamethrower Robot Dog

The Ed
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Available For Next Christmas: Flamethrower Robot Dog

The ultimate Christmas present for little Johnny to play with in the garden just presented itself to the world — a flamethrower robot dog.

Man’s best friend

The company Throwflame will present for sale in Q3 2023, the Thermonator, a cheap Chinese knock-off of Boston Dynamics’ Spot doggy, with a motherfucking flamethrower on top of it.

You simply cannot get anything better than this as a Christmas prezzy.

But hey, let’s be responsible with its use eh, you can’t just barbecue your neighbour’s testicles simply because he is a vindictive psychotic arsehole, please show some restraint when playing with this toy.

Yellow Coward Prigozhin Banished to Belarus

The Ed
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Yellow Coward Prigozhin Banished to Belarus

Oh dear, desertion in the Wagner Group usually means a sledgehammer to the head, and no doubt ‘Putin’s Chef’ Yevgeny Prigozhin will meet his end soon with some spectacular accident.

“We give him top penthouse in Minsk, and one day he slip and fall out of window,” an FSB operative in Belarus revealed.

Whatever happens, it is game over for Prigozhin and his crew of misfits, even if Putin has shown weakness.

The lame war in Ukraine will continue limping along, and it is up to the Ukrainians to push forward and capitalise on the disarray within the Russian military ranks.

Beware of a wounded rat backed into a corner, Putin still has his finger on the red button and is itching to press it.

We Are Inviting Billionaires to Pay to Visit Titanic Wreck in Daily Squib Submarine

The Ed
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We Are Inviting Billionaires to Pay to Visit Titanic Wreck in Daily Squib Submarine

Hello, the Daily Squib is inviting all global billionaires from around the world to pay us $500,000 each for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the underwater grave of the Titanic.

This amazing one way trip will be from our specially designed prototype submarine we made out of fibreglass, sellotape, and gorilla glue. We also will be piloting the submarine with a Sega Dreamcast controller from 1988 which we bought on eBay for £3.25 on auction.

Titanium and steel is for pussies, the hull of the submarine is constructed from fibreglass which shatters when under stress. Look, it’s cheaper and lighter to use fibreglass, and as for certification, who needs that shit anyway.

The submarine was tested in a pool with a depth of 6 metres, and we think this is enough to show that the craft will implode at a depth of 15,000 ft.

If you are a billionaire, or better still, a trillionaire, please contact us immediately to reserve your place for your final trip. You will pay $500,000 to see the wreck of the Titanic just before the entire craft implodes and your body disintegrates into fish food. Do not worry, you will not feel anything, it will be a millisecond implosion.

The Daily Squib submarine can fit in five billionaires at a time, and once that one goes, give us half an hour to knock up another submarine to accommodate all the other billionaires lining up for the trip. All passengers will be required to sign a waiver after paying, stipulating that this will be a one way trip.

APPLY HERE: Squib Titanic Sub Trip, P.O. Box 3452, London, W1Y 3DA, United Kingdom. Cheques for $500,000 for each passenger must be included, payable to “Daily Squib”.

 

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