17.7 C
London
Thursday, October 24, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 639

Urgent Appeal for Donations to Save Fergie

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
1
Urgent Appeal for Donations to Save Fergie

You may have a spare Bentley hanging around or you may not need that mink coat encrusted in gaudy jewels stuffed behind the washing machine anymore.

Spare a thought for poor old Fergie who has fallen on hard times again. Please donate your luxury goods to her so she can squander that as well.

The Daily Squib is appealing on behalf of Sarah Ferguson to restore her bank balance to its true state, that is why we are appealing for £10 million so that she can at least spend the next four to five months in modest living conditions.

“There may be people dying in floods all over the world, starving children in Africa and many in Northern England do not even have running water or basic food, but who gives a flying toss about them? Please donate all your cash and luxury goods to my fund. Also, if Bill Gates, Warren Buffett or any other billionaires are reading this, I am in grave need of a billion or two. Oh, any rich Arab sheikhs out there? I will literally do anything for you. I’m even willing to go with Mel Gibson and endure the daily beatings,” the Duchess said on Saturday at a fund raising event in a Gloucestershire abattoir.

Please send your donations to: DS Fergie Luxury Appeal Fund, P.O. Box 4359, Windsor Castle East Wing, Buckinghamshire, SL4 666

Spain Closed Down for Michelle Obama Shopping Trip

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
7
Spain Closed Down for Michelle Obama Shopping Trip

 

Her husband flies everywhere in the presidential jet and helicopter, even flying less than 4 miles in the presidential chopper last week for a 25 minute meeting, so why should his wife be any different?

“We have shut down Spain right now. Michelle Obama’s security detail are securing the streets. All airports and motorways have been shut down and cordoned off,” Spanish Minister of the Interior, Pablo Ruiz Pendejo, told Spain’s RTVE network.

 Michelle Obama is costing the taxpayer over $3.5 million per day with her entourage of over 750 hangers on, 68-strong security detail, hairdressers, manicurists, fitness instructors, and fashion advisers. The Air Force jet she flew costs $11,351 per hour to operate, according to several reports, meaning a 14-hour round trip would cost nearly $160,000.

“Let them eat cake”

 “They booked up 18 floors of the 5 star hotel, Los Alamos, and Michelle Obama used one floor just for her shoes. Now that’s what I call getting down with the people. This foul bitch is using our hard earned tax dollars while we got to eat with food stamps and sleep in card board boxes under the fuckin’ Brooklyn bridge,” Republican senator, Bill O’Really told Fox news. 

Yesterday, the first lady had parts of the coast of Spain cordoned off so she could go for a swim with her daughter. Police ripped up palm trees and police tape to mark off the boundaries of a 1000-mile expanse of the coast for the American delegation. Helicopters and surveillance aircraft were despatched and were seen strafing the coast during the 45 minute excursion. On either side, peasants gawked – and police occasionally stopped and searched tourists if they strayed too close to the private party.  One gentleman, strolling on the beach, did not realise what was going on and accidentally ventured into the restricted Michelle bathing zone. He was immediately detained by a group of 40 secret service men and taken away in an unmarked van.

“Bling it on”

Speaking from her palatial environs, Michelle Obama said: “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche. While Rome burns, we fiddle and enjoy the luxuries of our excesses using your hard-earned cash dollars of course. You owe it to us anyway suckers so do not be angry you voted us in. Gibs me dis and gibs me dat, step back bitches and watch now how I spend me some of that bling money.”

“Even George W Bush was not this greedy. He just hung out at his ranch on vacation and same with Laura. Apart from starting two wars they never did anything as extravagant as this Obama-nation,” Mr O’Really added.

Obama Blames BP for Slave Trade

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
0
Obama Blames BP for Slave Trade

“Even though oil had not been discovered all those years ago, BP was responsible for the slave trade and that’s why we gots to run that British company down into the ground. BP is run by English crackers and so was the slave trade, sheeit, that’s good enough fo’ me. I am asking Americans to vilify and blame the British for all of the bad things that happened, like it was BP’s fault that the astronauts from Apollo 13 were nearly lost, 911 was also BP’s fault and the current economic crisis, hell, that’s BP’s fault too,” Mr Obama told an assembled press meeting in the Rose Garden.

During the press conference a cameraman dropped his expensive camera on the floor smashing it into many pieces.

“That man over there, NBC is it?  You just dropped your $45,000 camera on the floor smashing it beyond repair. Well, let’s blame BP for that too. They can pay for that and my expensive new Healthcare system as well,” Mr Obama said to applause from the assembled press crew.

Body Scanner Operator Caught Groping Self at Colorado Airport

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
179
Body Scanner Operator Caught Groping Self at Colorado Airport

Airport officials at Denver International airport were on high alert yesterday when a full body scanner operator was caught bating in his booth as a team of High School netball players went through the scanner.

“The young ladies were going through the scanner one by one, and every time one went through, this guys face was getting redder and redder. His hand was moving and then he started sweating. He was then seen doing his ‘O’ face. That’s when the security dragged him out of his booth and cuffed him. He had his pants round his ankles and everybody was really disgusted,” Jeb Rather, a passenger on a flight to New York told CBS news.

The controversial scanners display every minute detail of a person’s body and have been called intrusive by privacy campaigners. Body scanners penetrate clothing to provide a highly detailed image so accurate that critics have likened it to a naughty movie. Technologies vary, with millimeter wave systems capturing highly detailed pictures of genitals, and backscatter X-ray machines able to show precise anatomical detail. The U.S. government likes the idea because body scanners can detect concealed weapons better than traditional magnetometers.

“What do you want to do, get blown up by a goddamn Arab at 30,000 feet or we get to see your private parts? It’s up to you, the ball’s in your park,” head of the TSA’s scanning department, Rodney Schroeder, told CNN.

Motorists Across Britain Flocking to Oxfordshire

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
0
Motorists Across Britain Flocking to Oxfordshire

“I can drive normally, oh my god, I was crying so hard, it was so beautiful,” Tony Woodford, 31, from London told the BBC.

Normally when motorists drive on British roads they are confronted by a speed camera nearly every mile of the road, some are even peppered every 200 metres on any given stretch of the UK’s road network.

Speed cameras were introduced by the previous Labour government to fleece Britain’s motorists out of millions of pounds every year, and thankfully the new coalition government are thinking of reducing the number of cameras.

“Labour’s War on Motorists”

“I usually drive by speeding up then slamming on the brakes every few yards when I see a speed camera. Thanks to the new coalition government I can actually drive my car in a straight f*cking line without wearing out my brake pads and endangering other cars on the f*cking road. Do you know what it’s like having to slow down all the f*cking time when there’s no need to? What about the cameras that were cynically hidden behind road signs and under bridges just to catch out motorists driving normally and make money? Well, during the Labour War on Motorists we were punished and exploited so that Labour could fund their tin pot schemes that amounted to nothing. Thank you whoever decided to take down the cameras,” a jubilant resident of Oxfordshire told the Daily Mail.

“We’ve seen motorists coming from Newcastle, Bristol, John O’Groats, Dorset, Lands End and especially London,” an AA spokesman said on Tuesday.

Speed cameras never saved any lives and in fact endangered motorists with most slowing down dangerously to avoid incurring a costly fine and points on their licence. We can only hope that the cameras are taken down across the whole of the UK and not just in Oxfordshire.

Brown Voted Best British PM by Al Qaeda

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
0
Brown Voted Best British PM by Al Qaeda

“He’s done more damage to Britain than we could have ever dreamed of doing ourselves. If it was up to us he would be given an award for his works in destroying the UK. May Allah praise him for his great service against the infidel dogs. He will be guaranteed 72 virgin donkeys when he goes to heaven for sure,” Abdul Abu Hamid, 3rd in command for Al Qaeda in Pakistan told a Jihadi website, Kaboom.com.

The poll, compiled by Aswan Qitada, Al Qaeda’s 2nd in command since June, found that Mr Brown was considered the best British PM over the past 65 years.

Mr Brown, who was Prime Minister for less than three years, scored highly because of the immense damage he meted out onto the British economy, infrastructure, employment, crime and society, the 106 Al Qaeda officers who voted revealed. The accumulation of record government debt was seen as Mr Brown’s
biggest success while he was also praised for not calling a general
election in 2007. He scored positive ratings for selling off Britain’s gold supply at the bottom of the market, destroying society, democracy and foreign policy.

“Gordon Brown destroyed everything. We could only dream of such immense destruction. Masha’Allah, may Allah bring peace upon him,” Mr Hamid added.

Tony Blair was also rated highly by the Al Qaeda panel for his role in suckering the UK into two losing wars and costing Britain trillions of pounds in wasted money and soldier deaths.

Chelsea Clinton Gets Divorced

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
1
Chelsea Clinton Gets Divorced

It was meant to be the marriage of the century, instead the marriage between the Clinton daughter and Mr Lewinsky was consigned, much like a used tissue in Bill Clinton’s Oval Office, to the waste bin of history.

The bored looking couple arrived on a horse drawn carriage to the synagogue for the £4 million wedding where they were married by a Rabbi under a chupa for all of two minutes.

“It was a beautiful ceremony, and the pair didn’t even look into each others eyes. All around there were sighs of ‘Oy vay’ and ‘Oh vez mear’. Two minutes of utter silence passed before they said they wanted a divorce on the grounds of boredom. You know how this new generation is, all about low attention spans and investment banking,” Gilda Goldberg, a guest at the wedding said.

Immediately after the divorce was announced, all the guests ran towards the wedding cake, which cost a whopping $65,000.

“There was a stampede rush to the wedding cake where people jumped right in there so they could get a slice and sell it in the streets or ebay for a massive markup,” Ron Jeremy, another guest at the wedding said.

Chelsea’s father, Bill, was nowhere to be seen but there were some reports that he was consummating the marriage for the two in a backroom with a number of bride’s maids.

Mel Gibson to Become Monk in Italian Monastery

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
10
Mel Gibson to Become Monk in Italian Monastery

He is known for his articulate way with the wonderful English language as well as his delicate oration whilst speaking to members of the opposite sex; his eloquent acting style and his impeccable manners both on and off set are a prime example of the qualities that we all aspire to. Sadly, all of this will be lost soon as Hollywood is to lose this great actor, known as Mel Gibson, to the Corborrosa Italian abbey in Tuscany, next week.

Gibson has already got his monk’s outfit out and is showcasing it around Hollywood much to the amusement of passers by as well as other Hollywood celebrities.

The preparations for Mel’s saintly monkhood are continuing in earnest with a contingent of monks even making the effort to fly out from Tuscany to coach Mel on how to be a monk in the monastery.

“For starters there will be no more smiling blowjobs in the morning from Russian escorts, no demands for self-worship and definitely no violence or cussing. I for one think it’s going to be nearly impossible for Mel to do it,” his agent told TMZ.

The former actor’s daily roster will consist of morning prayers at 4.30 am, morningsong at 5.30 am, then he will help either in the gardens or orchards for two to three hours; then more prayers and a spot of lunch. After lunch, the Monks usually have an hour of timber cutting work, at 4.30 pm there is an evening mass as well as evensong and then bedtime is at 6 pm.

The self sufficient monastery even grows its own food, and Mel will be eating such staples as stale bread, olives and fresh Tuscan cheese.

Speaking from the monastery, Abbot Francisco De Pacino, told the Tuscano Gazzetta, that it was an “honour for the abbey to receive the great Mel Gibson to the fold”. Already there have been preparations for the actor’s entrance: “We have hidden all the wine, even from the cellar. Also, our housekeeper, Georgio has prepared a special bed for Signor Gibson, there are thick leather straps to hold him down when he has his moments. Also, as you know, women are forbidden from entering the abbey, so Mel will be happy about that. He can be one with Jesus now. We also do not have, Jews, Negroes, Hispanics, Chinese people, Arabs and anyone else that Mel has not offended deeply in our abbey.”

Mel Gibson is set to fly out to Tuscany in mid august and has already sold everything he owns before the trip. He has vowed to dedicate his life to monastic living and has no more need for the material objects he has lost through negligence and divorce.

Surprise as Leak Reveals Thousands More Civilians Killed by US

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
6
Surprise as Leak Reveals Thousands More Civilians Killed by US

This is really surprising. Who would have thought that the US and UK have murdered tens of thousands of Afghan civilians on top of the official figures released? Also, this just in, we have just discovered that the pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods.

“We were going to tell you guys about it, but looks like Wikileaks.org beat us to it. Well, since the news is out now, yes, we did kill thousands more Afghan civilians then we previously admitted. But, look on the bright side, there are now less Muslims in the world. Now that’s a major positive, because it reveals that the Crusade is working. Slowly, we are exterminating them, little by little,” a Pentagon official told Fox News.

“Bring ’em On”

Speaking from his ranch in Texas, the architect of the whole Islamic slaughter crusade, George W Bush, said: “We exterminatered them good huh! That’ll teach those Afghans to hide Saddam Hussein when he bombed the twin towers in 1999 and stashed the WMD in the Iraqs, we slaughterized those sand peoples and now you guys found out we slaughterized the Afghanis too. Shucks, it’s like Christmas all over again, pass me a hot dog. God bless America and Jesus!”

Amongst the streets of every major American city, the cheering at the news of more civilian deaths in Afghanistan was similar to a Super Bowl game.

“Hell, I would never have thought our boys had killed more rag heads, sheeit! It’s like a double bonus win. Soon we’ll have a McDonalds and strip club in every Afghan town. They better start believing in Jesus as well or we’ll kill some more of them fuckers,” Bud Dwyer, 56, a resident of Arizona told CNN.

Brokeback Coalition Riding on into Sunset

by Herbert Gainsborough
-
1
Brokeback Coalition Riding on into Sunset

The honeymoon was over quite quickly for the two impresarios of the coalition, David Cameron and Nick Clegg; they did not mince around for long and got down to business with startling Brokeback efficiency.

“Forget about watching episodes of Glee, these two took off their aprons and were dusting down parliament in no time. However, it was very apparent from the offset who was doing the fagging. Nick would get the senior, Cameron’s toast, spongebags, and slippers ready in the morning, as well as spit shine the older boy’s shoes to an immaculate state. When it came to official business, Nick would stay in the shadows whilst the head boy would get up on the podium like a good prefect and thwack away at the oiks trying to get a word in edge ways,” Tory Foreign Secretary, William Hague revealed to the Sunday Telegraph yesterday.

Boot and Flogger

As for the Tory backbench rebels trying to ruffle the feathers of the Brokeback Boys, it has been revealed that David Davis is just annoyed that things are swinging a little far to the left.

“We want in on the fun. Why do these Brokeback Coalition Boys get to have all the fun? I went to Eton as well you know,” Mr Davis was overheard saying in a London wine bar.

1...638639640...722Page 639 of 722
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.