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Massive Investigation After England Wins a Cricket Match

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“Surely there must be some mistake. It can’t have happened? England won a cricket match? Call in the ICC immediately, we must have an investigation,” Rob Butler, a match official at the Lords cricket ground announced after the game ended.

Alarm bells immediately went off when England beat Pakistan by an innings and 225 runs to take the series 3-1 in a spectacular fourth and final Test rout.

There were no surprises however when the investigation into the spectacular win was concluded yesterday; it was revealed that the whole Pakistan team was on the payroll of Asian betting gangsters and lost the games on purpose.

The search is on for the England players to play a team that they can actually win against without a betting syndicate controlling the outcome.

“We’re looking for some honest teams to play the England team. I presume when that happens England will start its permanent losing streak again,” an ICC spokesman told the Daily Mail.

Coventry Chinese Restaurant Employs Cat Napper Mary Bale

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Mr Ziang Hong, owner of the Peking Palace in Sudbury Road, Coventry, has come to the aid of Mary Bale, who is now in hiding at an undisclosed location after being caught stuffing a cat in a dustbin last week.

“Instead of throwing away good food like that in the bins, she can bring the cats to my takeaway restaurant. We need someone like her to get more quality meat. The English never know the difference between the cat meat and chicken plus they’re usually drunk out of their minds when they eat it anyway. We’ve been doing it for years, but she really got my eye, she’s an expert cat napper for sure. I’ll pay her good wages to get us some good meat we sell to the English morons. Once we put my special Kung Pao sauce and bucketloads of MSG, it’s f*cking delicious,” Mr Hong told the Coventry Echo.

In China, cats and dogs are regularly eaten, and are seen as a staple diet for many Chinese people. A popular dish named Dragon, Phoenix, Tiger contains the ingredients of snake, chicken and cat and is supposed to be an especially powerful agent to restore youth and vigour. In the UK, however, it is frowned upon, even though most Chinese restaurants regularly serve up the delicacy from illegally captured household pets. Cats are also a source of cheap meat for the restaurants who like to keep overheads low and profits high.

“It could be pork, it could be chicken, it could be dog or cat. Just eat up your Chow mein and don’t think about that,” Elvis Kimble, 24, out on a Friday night in a Newcastle Chinese restaurant quipped as he tucked into a number 62 with egg fried rice.

Bush Returns to Arena With Six-Figure Memoir Book Deal

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The former
President of
the United States of America, George W. Bush, was commissioned to
write his memoirs last year despite not being able to read or write.

The
ex-president was offered a six-figure sum as an advance to complete the
tell-all tome. The book, published by Chimp Publishing Group, lays
out 13 major decisions by Mr. Rove and Cheney during his life and White House
tenure. Among them, according to several people who have seen the
manuscript: the destruction of the nation’s financial system,
enacting billions of dollars in tax cuts to the rich, limiting the use of education, research and science, and the decision to create the perpetual ‘War of Terror’.

The riveting read will expose the inner workings of the ex-president and his cabal of White House aides over the years.

The
book will form the centrepiece to his term in office and will also be
utilised in American schools along with other presidential favourites
like “My Pet Goat”.

The memoirs will also come with a set of black and white crayons and will signify Mr Bush’s limited worldview.

Could This be the New SuBo?

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She has shot to fame in just a few days from absolute obscurity working as a bank clerk for an ailing banking chain. Dubbed as “the new SuBo Cat Woman” she has captured the nation’s slop buckets with her vile antics.

Simon Cowell gushed over her act: “She looked around, then she took that moggy and stuffed it in the bin. I was stunned at the enormity of the cowardly vile act, even I couldn’t top that one.”

Then Pierce Moron added to the praise: “Everyone knows I’m a lowly cowardly, smarmy, vile piece of  putrefying shit, but this cat woman really showed me up. I couldn’t top what she did either.”

The audiences of Britain’s Got Talent all voted for the Cat Woman too, propelling her to instant fame. She is so famous now, that SuBo is a distant memory, the only similarity being that both of them are short fat ugly pugs and as mad as hatters.

George Michael Looking Forward to Jail

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The singer admitted driving under the influence of cannabis for the second time in three years and is looking forward to being incarcerated with loads of guys in a prison.

Sentencing the pop star, judge Andrew Ridgemount, immediately banned him from the road and said he will be jailed when he returns to court on September 14.

Michael, real name Georgios Panayiotou, revealed his delight at the prospect of being jailed: “I’ll actually enjoy it. Prison won’t be a public lavatory or some bushes in Hampstead Heath, I can’t wait for some ‘careless whispers’ in the prison showers. I have all the faith in the world that the judge will give me a long sentence so that those rough prison boys can wake me up before I go go. Ooh, jail’s going to be like the Club Tropicana, I’ve even got my shorts out for the occasion.”

Tony Blair Book Bestseller in Iraq

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As book signings
go, this one surely took the detonator. Ex-prime minister Blair touched
down outside the Baghdad bookshop, deep within the Green Zone in a
chartered military helicopter and was met with cheers from the assembled
crowd of cherry-picked book signing attendees.

“We are gathered
here today to buy one of Mr Blair’s books. I braved two suicide
bombings and an American attack helicopter to get here today, so I’m
truly glad the greedy money-grabbing bastard finally turned up,” Abdul Mejid Hassan, a one armed baker
from downtown Baghdad told the Iraq Times.


Tony Blair’s ‘The Journey’ has been selling like hot shrapnel in Iraq and has topped the bestseller list for over four weeks.

Speaking from the London offices of Schister and Schister, Aaron Reubens
told the BBC: “We were keen to capitalise on Mr Blair’s success in Iraq
as a liberator by releasing the book there as well. Not only was he instrumental in stripping Iraqis of their sovereignty, their dignity, their oil and their future; he is now giving back a small morsel of himself as a sign of his undying gratitude for their defeat as a people. What more can a country ask for?”

Government Pathologist Says Dr. Kelly’s Death ‘Textbook Suicide’

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“This was a ‘text book’ case of suicide wherein Mr Kelly was found dead with no fingerprints on the knife and no gloves on his body plus there were very limited traces of blood even though he supposedly severed his arteries. The agents who murdered him sure did a great job,” Mr Nicholas Hunt, the government appointed pathologist who performed the post-mortem, told the Sunday Times.

Without the untimely death of scientist, Dr. Kelly, in 2003, the UK might not have gone to war in Iraq.

“Mr Blair at the time was very concerned about the meddling ways of Dr. Kelly, so I’m sure he and his friends devised a little solution to the problem. Just a quick fix, which will not be discovered for the next 70 years thanks to the Hutton whitewash inquiry. Of course, by then it will be too late anyway, so it won’t matter. What’s one dead scientist when you’ve got the world’s second largest oil fields to invade,” a former key aide to Number10 at the time of Mr Kelly’s liquidation revealed yesterday.

Fury as Furious Politicians Spit Fury at Furious Voters

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Amongst the fury raging in the crowds of people attending the fury induced march there was even more fury when the furious police arrived and stirred up even more fury than anticipated.

“I’ve seen spitting fury before, but this was different. You could actually see the veins on some of the politicians, coppers and assembled peoples’ foreheads bulging furiously. I swear, at one point I saw a furious Conservative politician, Ron Harris MP for Hanwell South, steaming bloody fury from his ears, he was that bloomin’ furious,” a bystander, who was caught up in the furious melee told the BBC.

No one yet knows what the assembled march was about but there was a lot of fury involved.

“At one point I feared for my life, because at one end there were furious politicians and at the other were the furious crowds of protesters, somewhere in the middle were the furious police striking out with their batons furiously. I couldn’t tell who was more furious but there was so much fury that I think I let out a little pee into my knickers. Like it was a little squirt, nothing to write home about,” Esther Gastronome, who was on a shopping trip from Norfolk, told ITN news.

Obama Having White House Redecorated During Vacation

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Whilst the country’s economy is in turmoil and the jobless can be heard wailing in the streets of America, Barack Obama and his family are enjoying a string of indulgent holidays as their Washington home is being redecorated. 

“Mr Obama wanted something more in keeping with his religious beliefs. He himself brought the best architects from Saudi Arabia to construct the minarets on the White House. There will also be a magnificent dome where the Oval room used to be. We are even installing a Turkish bath on the third floor and an Islamic Center to the side of the West Wing,” Charles Severin, one of the White House aides overseeing the project while the Obamas are on holiday told ABC. 

Speaking from Martha’s Vineyard at the start of his four week vacation, Barack Obama confirmed to reporters that he has already had approval from Pentagon planners for the Islamic additions to the White House.

The White House will be transformed by Obama’s ‘Vision of Change’

“As a nation of many colours and creeds, you can understand what I mean when I am talking about change. It is for the betterment of our great nation that I have proposed the minarets over the White House and the magnificent dome that will cover the building. I call for religious tolerance and peace amongst all men. We must all live together and not fight each other anymore,” Barack said.

The speech was truly touching and even reporters from the assembled Fox news teams were visibly shaken to tears.

The building of the taxpayer funded minarets has still come under fierce opposition, however, the White House addition will be discussed in full when congress reconvenes after September’s recess.

“There will be a call to prayer in the morning and also in the afternoon from all four minarets which have high wattage speakers on them. This is a beautiful sound of the muezzin who will call the prayer so there is nothing to worry about,” Rumbub Tariq Khabbar who will be the Mullah in charge of the White House mosque once Obama returns from holiday.

Why Social Networking Has Been Best Tool for Criminals and Governments

Call them lemmings, call them sheep, call them the mass of people who have been suckered into revealing their every thought and plans on social networking sites. They are a sign of our times, a gift to the intelligence agencies, criminals, government offices, conglomerates and marketing companies.

In a time where there are no qualms about revealing personal details to anyone, the governments of the world have seen a mass bonanza of informative data telling them more about the populations than they ever hoped for. These agencies have utilised the narcissistic shallow desire for these individuals to promote every banal detail of their lives to great effect.

The new gold mine

“It has been a beautiful ploy. We made it ‘cool’ to join a social networking site, then their friends joined up. We also got the populace addicted to data, addicted to cyber networking, addicted to news, addicted to useless information. By utilising the Pavlovian techniques, the control system has been perfected with precision. We now know everything about these people, their habits, their deepest fears, their relationships with others, their financial affairs, what toothpaste they use, etc, etc,” a Pentagon official divulged to CNN.

Not only is the mass of data being mined by governments and shady organisations just below the periphery, the useful data is being mined by conglomerates and the consumerist network plugged into the social networking scam.

“We have so much data on everyone that we can actually plan out a day for any given person. This will be useful in the future because we know exactly how each person on these sites ticks, we know the strings to pull and we know how we can control you even better than we are already controlling you. Just you being on any of these sites is enough for us because we can gauge mass movements in population, your moods, your plans. As a government, we can manipulate you even further by implanting rumours into your social networking matrix, we can also see if there are small signs of rebellion and crush those early. We however have no fear of rebellion amongst you social networkers though, because you’re all a bunch of fucking lemmings brainwashed to accept your fate as institutionalised sado-masochists. What I say to you now, you will understand, you will digest this, but you will also carry on what you’re doing and after a few minutes forget about it,” the Pentagon source added.

Television programs like ‘Big Brother’ also made it acceptable and ‘cool’ for overt surveillance by the social psychologists.

“The morons who go on such shows are guinea pigs, brainless fuckers with unjustified egos the size of mountains, these people were used to make camera surveillance acceptable and actually desirable. The brainwashed idiots who watch the Big Brother shows are no better than the participants, walking zombies bereft of any thoughts or dignity. This is the kind of dumbed-down society we have been striving for for centuries,” a spokesman for an intelligence agency revealed.

As all the social networkers divulge every personal secret they have, every minuscule thought or opinion, they do not realise how their every thought is being mined, being manipulated, and ultimately, they are trapped inside the system that created these networks.

Remember folks, once you reveal something about yourself on a social networking site, it is logged forever.

Ultimately, as Bertrand Russell said, once the population is dumbed-down to even lower levels than they already are, they will be taught that snow is black. They will believe it as well.