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Labour Party Actually Elects a Leader

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In a move that astounded political commentators, the Labour party has actually elected a leader.

“This is absolutely incredible news,” the disgraced former unelected leader of the Labour party, Gordon Brown, told the Labour party conference in Manchester before being whisked away back to his dacha in Scotland.

To mass applause from the delegates, Ed Militant, a boy, barely out of his nappies and holding staunch Marxist leanings, was elected by the Red party to succeed the deposed, shameful previous leader, Gordon Brown.

“We thought we’d try elections out a bit. Usually we shun such ‘democratic’ bits of nonsense in our party, but why not? Sometimes, even we go a little wild,” a senior party member told the Red Times.

When the result of the leadership contest was finally announced today, there was a wry smile from senior Commissar Balls, after his mortal enemy David Militant had been so cruelly crushed by the ruthless voting.

The Tories, as well, were jubilant at the news of Ed Miltant’s leadership; a spokesman from Tory HQ said: “We won’t see Labour for a very, very long time now. They’ll be stuck in the political wilderness for decades to come. This is like a gift from God. We can’t f*ck this up now can we? Can we?”

MI6 to Train Agents How to Get Out of Sports Bags

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“If Houdini could do it, or who’s that American moron? Yes, David Blaine. If they can get out of dastardly predicaments, then our agents surely can do it too,” Sir John Sawers, head of MI6 told a secret hearing published on Facebook on Friday.

The new training initiative comes after the tragic death of a talented MI6 agent who couldn’t get out of a sports bag after zipping himself inside it.

Special agent Q, who deals with equipping and training all agents on and off the field has asked for all agents to be issued with a pen knife.

“Let’s say one of our agents is zipped up in a sports bag. Well, this useful piece of equipment, which we have sourced all the way from Switzerland, should do the trick. It’s called a Swiss Army knife and it can save your life if you’re stuck in a zipped up sports bag which has been padlocked from the inside. All you need to do is cut a hole in the side of the bag and rip the fabric and you’re home free,” Q revealed to some agents recently during an impromptu training session.

Kelly Osbourne Eats Whole Pig in Less Than an Hour

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Ms Osbourne was visiting a farm in the Rancho Del Mar district outside Los Angeles when she was seen to lose control of herself and start to eat everything in sight.

“I never seen anything like it. They paid me some money to use my land for a photo shoot for some stupid show. This lil girl comes along then gets all bug eyed. She then started to sniff and snort the air, like she smelled something rustling in the pig pen. Well, that was Cooter my pot bellied pig, he was three years old and he was like a family member he was. She’s a goddamn murderer, my family are going to sue her for the distress she’s caused us. She ate him raw and one of his trotters was still sticking out of her mouth when she walked out of the pen,” Samuel Fink, 56, who owns the Desperado Ranch, 34 kms from Los Angeles reported.

The 25-year-old singer has been showing off a slimmer, healthier figure in recent months because of her three pea a day diet. However, close friends of the talented star have told of the anguish Ms Osbourne puts up with in maintaining her new physique.

“Kelly would eat everything. I once saw her eat a whole live chihuahua in one gulp, she was that fucking hungry. I don’t know whether she was following her dad’s footsteps but if she was hungry she could eat shit off a sidewalk or a live bat from the ceiling. If you dropped a cream cake in pile of steaming cow manure, she would lick that shit up like it was glazing on a cake,” Marcia Ducunnie, a long-time friend of Kelly’s told the LA Times.

Recently, doctors in charge of Kelly have been concerned for her welfare and her dangerous lapses in enforced dieting.

Doctor Jacob Steinburger, a famous Beverly Hills practitioner, told the Hollywood Weekly: “We have to chain her down sometimes in the office or put her in a cage. If you dangle a cupcake in front of her face you can actually see foam coming out of her mouth and eyeballs. Some of the words she says as well, can be distressing. Luckily, the money from mummy and daddy Osbourne compensates me for my trouble in dealing with their awful offspring.”

“If I want a piece of fucking cake I’m going to eat a fucking piece of cake. You better believe me when I say, I want that cake or I’ll eat your fucking arm off bitch!”Kelly Osbourne told a CBS reporter who was eating a slice of cake at another photo shoot in Hollywood last week.

Kable Marx Takes Over From Stalin Brown

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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, there is no more Mr Bean, Stalin Brown or Balls, but Comrade Vince Kable Marx is now in the house to dole out even more punishment to the rich bastards who actually work to earn their money.

“These people, if you can call them that, stole all their money from the poor by working hard. That’s why they’re rich. It is my job as Impoverishment Secretary to pauperize them to levels never before seen. We need to make it so that the welfare generation are actually richer than people who actually work for their money,” Comrade Kable Marx told a delegation of Marxist followers at the Lib Marx conference in Liverpool yesterday.

Comrade Kable Marx is committed to the destruction of the economy and capitalist business world. Since coming into office after Comrade Brown was ousted, he has proposed a multi-tier approach in reducing the wealth of the people of Soviet Britain.

“I aim to impoverish every facet of the economy. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Lib Marx
revolution. The benefits driven indolent plebes have nothing to lose but their playstations. They
have a world to win. Workshy of all countries, unite!
Capitalism is dead labour, which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking
living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks. After I finish with you lot, you’ll be so poor that you’ll be begging for Comrade Brown to come back,” Comrade Marx told the delegates whilst gurning inanely and drooling over the podium.

Comrade Kable Marx was then led away from the podium as applause rang down from the audience of Marxist revolutionaries.

God Does Not Believe in Richard Dawkins

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“God has informed us that he doesn’t believe in Richard Dawkins, and he actually doesn’t like him much either,” Rupert Spendleswick, curator for the scientific research centre at CERN told the New Scientist magazine yesterday after having isolated the much vaunted ‘God Particle’.

The Higgs Boson apparently manifested in the Large Hadron Collider yesterday evening at 3.52 pm CET.

“There was this big bang, then a puff of yellow smoke. We then smelled some burning. At first we thought we’d burned out another circuit but when we looked at the screen we saw the incredible words: “DAWKINS IS A DICK. LOVE GOD”

Richard Dawkins, who was at a book signing session in London said: “I’ve heard that God doesn’t like me much. Well, you can tell him that I’ve just written another book saying he doesn’t exist. What the f*ck are my publishers going to say? As far as I’m concerned God’s dead to me and my bloody accountants.”

Celebrity Pope Urges Britons to Beware of ‘Celebrity Culture’

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The crowd of 145,000 people greeted the Pontiff with songs and gifts and listened intently as he invited them to “cast away celebrity culture”.

He said: “You must reject celebrity culture. True happiness is found in God. Oh my gosh, have I won X Factor? Am I the next SuBo?”

Escorted by hundreds of police outriders, security vehicles, four helicopters, an armoured car and a team of surveillance agents he had arrived at Trafalgar Square in London, in a 185-vehicle convoy – revelling in his super celebrity status.

The whole of London had been cordoned off for the celebrity Pope’s outing, resulting in massive traffic disruption across the city with all airports  locked down.

The celebrity Pope, later on did a lap of honour around the route in his Popemobile, before speeding off with his whole entourage to his next celebrity Pope function in Birmingham opening a Tesco superstore.

The Pope will be releasing a new DVD box set of his tour and a new book to commemorate the trip.

Pope Benedict XVI Visits Britain

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The former Hitler Youth member has been gracing the UK with his un-holy presence for three days now.

“When he walks around we have noticed strange things happening. Like some of the birds will drop out of the trees stone cold dead. Animals whimper in his presence and especially the children. Oh my lord the poor children. When the Pope is around the look of fear in their poor eyes is terrible. It’s as if they all know something we do not,” Keith Robertson, chief supervisor for the Pope’s UK visit told the Telegraph.

It is rumoured that Pope Benedict has a penchant for spending days in the catacombs and crypts hidden underneath the Vatican where daily clandestine rituals take place.

He is rarely seen outside in public, but when he is, he scares people with his diabolical grin and sinister stare.

The many children and goats that are ferried into Vatican City every week are never seen again and people are slowly beginning to wonder what is going on.

Visitors to the Vatican catacombs are usually distinguished members of the hierarchy and have included Tony Blair, Franco Zeffirelli, Queen Elizabeth, George W Bush, the late Michael Jackson, Alan Greenspan as well as old hands like Henry Kissinger and Satan.


A child recoils in terror in the Pope’s presence
 

 

Speaking at a Hyde Park vigil of prayer, the Pope said: “I urge you all to embrace the Catholic Church. I have said sorry for the abuse at the hands of Catholic priests, please let us forget about all that for now. I am so sorry that they got caught. Now, let’s all carry on as if nothing ever happened.”

On Friday, the Pope visited Westminster cathedral, where it was reported that he inspected the choir to see if they were up to the same standard as his boys back in Rome.

 

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Pope Benedict XVI hypnotizes an African boy during a Catholic ritual


The Holy See was at first apprehensive for the Pope to travel to Britain but eventually allayed their fears and went ahead with the special visit.”We at first were rather reluctant for the trip to go ahead. There were issues like the Third World status of Britain. Also, the issues of people who are actually aware of what we are doing and how we operate. This is wholly unacceptable, we need our followers to follow us blindly and without question,” the Pope said.

Sarkozy Cursed by Gypsies

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Rabbi Chaim Shalott, has told of the grievous harm this gypsy curse has inflicted on the ailing Sarkozy: “He is a broken man. This gypsy curse has not only reduced his confidence but it has also reduced his already shrivelled genitals to an even more wilted state. We have tried every cure in the book, but he has a curse on him and I don’t think he’s going to pull through it. But please, don’t tell him that, OK?”

‘Reichsangehöriger

Since receiving the curse after the mass expulsions of Roma gypsies last week, the president was nowhere to be seen and was not even in attendance at the Elysee palace.

“Carla has tried to help him, but her schedule with other men is very hectic so even when she can fit little Nicolas into her time slot, she stays about 20 feet away from him because she thinks that gypsy curses are contagious,” a palace aide told Le Figaro.

There are fears for France as a nation as well. How can a country function properly with a midget imbecile as their head who now has a gypsy curse on his soul?

Justice Minister Michele Alliot-Marie told the Senate on Thursday that because of the grave nature of the curse on president Sarkozy there may have to be emergency measures wherein the president would be required to step down and an immediate election be held for the sake of France.

Tea Party Don't Like Coffee Much

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“It’s all down to our hatred of coffee. If we even see one of those coffee selling outlets that are f*cking everywhere, we go ‘yeuch!’ it’s absolutely disgusting. Like the colour of dirt brown, and the smell makes me want to barf. It ain’t like a good cup of tea that’s for sure. Maybe a nice Darjeeling or Ceylon,” Arthur O’Connelly, a Tea Party organiser told CNN after his candidate won the primaries in La Junta, Colorado.

“You can’t feed your family on ‘Hope’ or coffee for that matter, can you?” another Tea Party supporter told Fox News.

All over America there has been a mass rejection of coffee and an embracing of the golden refreshing cup of chai.

“America needs strength in leadership, decisiveness, and most of all a strong cup of f*cking tea. Barack Obama is about as weak as a cup of lukewarm dirty dishwater coffee. We Americans don’t want that. Besides, when was the last time you drank a good cup of tea made by socialist? Exactly!” Mr O’Connelly added.

Gazza Saved Rooney Marriage

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The standoff between Wayne Rooney and his wife Coleen followed a crazy Tuesday in the couple’s Cheshire mock Tudor mansion, dubbed ‘Waynesor Castle’ – when fellow footballer Gazza got involved in the marital fracas.

The former England football hero turned up at the couples mansion claiming to be
a pal of serial prostitute user “Rooney” and bringing him lager and chicken.

Earlier there had been a bizarre mood as news spread that Rooney had finally been
cornered near the tennis courts – with paparazzi thronging the streets to see
what was going on.

The air of unreality was capped when Paul Gascoigne suddenly turned up
claiming to be “good friends” with the Manchester United striker.

Ex-Newcastle United hero Gazza, 43, arrived at the mansion gates asking to be
let through to speak to “Wayney” and clutching a dressing gown and a fishing
rod.

Gascoigne – who had apparently come by taxi from Newcastle – said he had
brought the distraught Rooney a “can of lager, some chicken, a mobile phone and
something to keep warm”. The former football star even had a toy parrot on his shoulder who he confided in every few minutes.

He told Tyneside’s Metro Radio: “He is willing to give in to Coleen now. I just want to
give him some therapy and say. ‘Come on Wayne, it’s Gazza’.”

Gascoigne, who appeared to be drunk out of his mind, claimed to know Rooney from his days as an England footballer.

He added: “He is all right – simple as that and I am willing to help him. I
have come all the way from Newcastle to Cheshire to find him.

“I’m risking my own life to make sure he is all right.”

Gascoigne also told Real Radio North East: “I heard he was by a pond, and I
brought my fishing rod too so we can fish together and have a chat. I want
to talk to him because I think I’m the only man to help him.

“All he wants to do is surrender his wallet to the old bag. I knew he’s a good lad.

“All I want to shout is ‘Wayney, it’s Gazza’ and I guarantee me and him could
sit and chat. I would say, ‘Why don’t you just leave the prostitutes, throw them in
the pond? Coleen’s not going to kill you’.”

He added: “He was like a gentleman – those whores must have wound him up. Showing off their tits and arses, it obviously was about 50 or 60 moments of madness.

“He’s a lovely bloke, I think he is frightened. All he wants to do is
surrender. I know he’s a good lad.”

Radio reporter Kate Adie said: “Gazza said he desperately wanted to help
his friend out. He said when he heard what was going on he and his parrot jumped straight
in a taxi to help.”

Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson, was yesterday praising Gazza’s heroism: “If he wasn’t as drunk all the time, I’d sign him up tomorrow. We need selfless, heroic players like him in our team.”