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Amy Winehouse: "I’ve Been Drug Free for Three Years"

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Amy Winehouse: "I’ve Been Drug Free for Three Years"

 

The singer, who was most recently addicted to party drug woof woof, has claimed in a tabloid newspaper that she has been free from drugs for three years after attending intensive drug addiction treatment.

 

Her friends however have disclaimed her remarks and revealed that the new drugs she is currently taking make three minutes feel like three years.

 

“She doesn’t know what she’s doing because she’s taking this new party drug that distorts time. For the drug users who take joo joo, which is the latest designer drug in the Camden area, it makes a few seconds feel like years. You’ll literally think you’re taking three years to cross a road full of oncoming traffic when in reality it could be 15 seconds. By that time of course, you could get hit by a two tonne truck. When Amy said she was free from drugs for three years, she really meant three minutes. I’ve seen people going to sleep in the middle of the road thinking they’ve got years ahead of them to cross, but poor blighters get squashed like bugs under buses and lorries,” Harpel Owens, one of Amy’s long-standing confidantes revealed.

 

 


Amy, 27, said: “I’m much healthier nah. I used to do drugs and I haven’t used drugs in almost three years, three minutes, three seconds or is it three days. ‘Ere can you tell the time on your clock, innit?

 

“I literally don’t do drugs anymore. No more crack, smack, charlie, whizz, miaow maiow, woof woof or dizz dizz. I dahn need nah Rehab innit?”

 

Government drugs experts have warned against the use of the joo joo drug which is actually derived from a byproduct of industrial toilet cleaner.

 

“Unfortunately, this new drug is taking hold of Britain’s youth, and celebrity endorsements from the likes of Amy Winehouse only helps to spread the word. It is a very dangerous drug that distorts time so severely that the user believes seconds are years and hours are decades. We are doing our best to try and thwart the spread of this drug but it’s very hard at the moment,” Ronald Crowe, a spokesman for the government’s addiction treatment agency told the Times.

Mary Bale Banned From Zoo Visits

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Mary Bale Banned From Zoo Visits

“Mary Bale has been given a ban on ever visiting a zoo in her lifetime. We think this is unjust behaviour and will take this ridiculous ruling to the High Court if we have to,” Solicitor David Bairns representing Ms Bail at Coventry Magistrates Court told the Coventry Herald.

Ms Bail, who now lives at a secret location and is under constant surveillance for her own safety, did not comment as she left court yesterday, instead she hissed at reporters like an angry cat before fleeing in an unmarked van.

Joanne Leeming, a zoologist at Birmingham zoo said: “I think this is wonderful news. I mean, what if she came along and tried to dump a penguin or a Capuchin monkey in a bin? We’ve got some endangered species here, we certainly don’t want the likes of Mary Bale upsetting our animals.”

The court ruling forbids Ms Bail from coming within 50 feet of a zoo or any live or dead animal for the rest of her life. If she is reported or spotted on CCTV she could be jailed for up to five years if convicted.

British French American German Terror Attacks 'Highly Likely' to Occur at Anytime

Guiseppe Suspiria
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British French American German Terror Attacks 'Highly Likely' to Occur at Anytime

France has warned its citizens that terror attacks are ‘highly likely’ in the UK and America has warned that terror attacks are ‘most probable’ in Europe soon, whilst the British government says that terror attacks will occur in France.

The German Foreign Ministry has said that terror attacks could occur in America and the British government has warned its citizens on travelling to France, Germany and America.

The Austrian government, however, have stayed out of the terror attack warning spree and have not issued any terror attack warnings yet. Switzerland, was also quiet and neutral about the whole sordid terror attack fiasco.

“We’ve got terror attacks coming out of the ass here. What am I going to do? This morning I couldn’t even get out of my f*cking bed let alone out of my hotel room,” an angry tourist from Alabama, U.S.A, told CNN whilst on vacation in Paris, France.

Benefit Scroungers Revolt When Told Benefits Capped at £26,000

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Benefit Scroungers Revolt When Told Benefits Capped at £26,000

“I’m afraid the gravy train has passed for the benefit scroungers who don’t work and choose to stay at home getting drunk playing their playstations on their 56″ HD televisions. These are hard times we’re going through and instead of the usual £65,000 per annum they were each getting under Labour we’ve reduced it a little to £26,000. But to ease your permanent holidays, we’ll throw in free bus passes worth £950 per year and free boob jobs for the women worth £4,500 on the NHS and teeth veneering for anyone who wants it worth over £15,000,” Chancellor George Osborne announced at the Conservative conference on Wednesday.

Indeed, these are hard times for people who are permanently on benefits.

“I haven’t worked for thirteen years and I used to get £700 a week for my trouble. Where am I going to buy my booze and fags now that I’m only going to be getting 500 quid a week? This is a fookin’ disgrace!” Ed Hendry, 43, from North Lanarkshire told the BBC.

All over the country, there has been a mass outcry from the millions of people who are receiving state benefits for not working.

Mr Davy Daly, a permanently unemployed man from Humberside said: “I can’t live on 26 grand a year. You must be joking, that’s my travel money right there. Where am I going to go this year for heavens sake? Looks like Tuscany is out.”

Deirdre Scabb, 23, a mother of eight children from different fathers was outraged at the benefits cap: “I’ve been breeding my feral monsters for f*ckin’ ages so that I could rack up a good benefits package. Now this Osborne c**t comes along and tells me that benefits is capped. Who does he think he is? That was a lot of hard work that was spreading my legs to all and sundry.”

Another benefits reliant scrounger, Kevin Bunion, 35, said: “Even though people who work pay me to be idle and relax all day on benefits, I am disgusted at them. They should work harder for us and suffer bigger taxes so that I and my mates can live a life of leisure on state handouts. F*ck them, they owe us.”

Lady GaGa Wants Her Leg Back

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Lady GaGa Wants Her Leg Back

MTV has reported that Lady GaGa is fed up of the cosmetic leg amputation she underwent in April of this year and wants her leg back.

At the time of the fashion induced operation, there was even a GaGa amputation competition held for a Lady GaGa fan to win her leg as a prize, but it was sadly shelved after protests from the public and authorities.

“I underwent a leg amputation last year purely to be different and for it to be a fashion statement. All my beautiful crazy monsters supported me but I am now bored of my amputation and want my leg back please,” the fashion conscious autotune pop singer GaGa told MTV.

The pop star’s record company is now having all her photos and publicity shots photoshopped to replace her amputee peg leg with a real leg.

Lady GaGa’s leg was kept in a cold storage formaldehyde solution and cryogenically frozen to prevent any tissue damage and will be reattached to her stump in a 56 hour operation conducted by the world’s best surgeons.

“We have a medical team on standby 24 hrs a day to reattach her leg. The problem is that after the leg finally thaws out, they will have to rush her to the secret location for the groundbreaking operation. This could be quite hard if she is onstage or in another country touring,” Ms GaGa’s press officer told Entertainment Weekly.

Obama Finds Jesus

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Obama Finds Jesus

“We got the boy talkin’ ’bout Jesus because he’s got to try and win some votes in the Jesus heartland if he wants to carry on being ‘prez’. Middle America, otherwise known as the ‘Fly Over Zone’, is crucial to Barack Hussein and lemme tell you folks, it’s the key to winning the midterm elections. They all think he’s a ‘muj’ without a birth certificate, so he’s gotta do something for heavens sake. Personally I see a lame duck president coming out of these elections — he wanted ‘change’, hell, he won’t have ‘change’ out of a dollar after these folk stick a few pitchforks in his gizzard,” Aloysius Bean, one of Obama’s campaign managers told the CNN network.

The ailing president has been on the campaign trail telling people through a teleprompter about his faith for Jesus. Going from city to city, the Obama campaign bus has been on the road non-stop for over a week.

“We don’t see him as a Christian. We see him as a Muslim pretending to be a Christian. Or even worse, some even call him an Atheist. Ann Coulter did because she knows that the God brigade hate them more than Muslims. She got her Adam’s apple in a twist over his ‘faith’. It’s all a big game anyway and it’s kinda fun to watch the ‘God botherers’ getting all bothered by it all. Some of them are even calling for him to change
his name to a more Christian sounding name, like Barry instead of Barack,” another prospective voter told CBS news.

Barakah – Blessing

Hussein – a descendant of the Prophet

Could this be the end of the Obama illusion, in which many brainwashed Americans were duped into voting for a mirage? Most probably, yes. As popularity polls go, Barack Hussein Obama has some of the lowest figures ever seen by a modern day president.

The truth is that under Barack Hussein Obama, America has become increasingly polarised, angry and is in the throes of a mass revolt. President Obama, is also so far removed from the ordinary American, that this alone will be the harbinger of even more defeat for the Democrats.

“The American people could relate to George W Bush because he was as dumb as a plank of wood. He couldn’t even string a coherent sentence together, but he sure as hell knew how to shoot at things. The son of a bitch knew how to go to war. This guy, Obama, is not even American. He’s certainly not Christian and he’s not white plus he doesn’t like shooting Muslims. That sums up the whole thing right there,” Dean Goosebilly, a Tea Party candidate for West Boston told Fox News’ Hannity Show on Thursday.

Socialist BBC Deny Being Partial to Partiality

Guiseppe Suspiria
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Socialist BBC Deny Being Partial to Partiality

“The Left Wing BBC are about as impartial as a Ku Klux Klan member at a Hip Hop festival,” Bernard Fenster, 46,  a TV viewer from Lancashire told a BBC reporter, before being heavily edited out of a so-called documentary about ‘impartiality’ to be aired next month.

This is the reality of the situation, the BBC is in damage control after 13 long years of being a lackey to the Socialist Labour government who have now saddled the UK with £6 trillion worth of debt payments and a country in utter turmoil.

Biased

“It has been very hard for the BBC to adjust to the new coalition government because they are not socialist commie shitstains on a mission to collectivize everything in sight. Well, at least, not yet anyway. Seriously, anyone’s better than the previous Labour government. For too long, the BBC has been wallowing in the waste of Labour’s gluttony and fleecing the public out of huge sums of taxpayers cash to subsidise their huge pensions and utterly wasteful spending sprees. The holiday is over for them, and now that all the money is gone, they’re up sh*t creek without a paddle, or even without a boat. Whilst they were doling out Labour’s propaganda for so long, they forgot that there are other sections of the public in the UK and not everyone is a brainwashed socialist taxpayer funded bureaucratic bum on the make,” another TV viewer from London, Jason Bingham, 32, disclosed to the Mirror newspaper before being heavily edited out of the article.

Now that the champagne socialists are in opposition, there is a new era dawning for the BBC.

“We’ve still got Ed Militant, he’s as red as they come and he’s heading up Labour now. You should have seen how we gave him all that spectacular coverage and perked up when he won the leadership contest against his coward sibling,” Morris Toynbee, a BBC political commentator reported during an ‘impartial’ BBC news broadcast aired on Tuesday.

EU Riots Hit by Austerity Bill

Guiseppe Suspiria
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0
EU Riots Hit by Austerity Bill

“We are urging EU
countries to only riot four days a week. This will give the authorities
time to rebuild the ruins so that the rioting can commence again the
week after,” Julio Asspierre, EU Commissioner for Rioting announced on
Wednesday.

At the moment Greece, Portugal and Spain are in full riot mode and Italy is just getting ready for a major riot for the weekend.

“It’s
physically exhausting. Just as one riot ends another one begins, so
we’re asking for austerity measures on the riots themselves,” Mr
Asspierre added.

The
riots are being precipitated by austerity measures on the respective
economies of EU countries and the riots have now been hit themselves by
austerity measures.

“Many
people are now confused about the austerity packages and simply riot to
get it out of their minds,” Gilles Villespanner, another unelected EU
bureaucrat told French newspaper, Le Figaro.

When Facebook Crashed Phone Networks Jammed

Guiseppe Suspiria
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0
When Facebook Crashed Phone Networks Jammed

“We noticed a massive hike in call volume. This was because Facebook was down for maintenance and people had to update their friends on what they were doing by telephone.,” Archie Seymour, head of operations for AT&T reported.

Reggie Cornholio, 26, a resident of Las Vegas, who is an avid Facebook user said: “I had to call all of my 342 Facebook friends and give them a manual telephone update of what I had done in the half hour that Facebook was down. It took me over four hours to call everyone and tell them that I had just gone to the gym and was going to sit down and watch an episode of CSI.”

Luckily for the distraught Facebook users, the outage only lasted for half-an-hour and as soon as the networking site was back up and running, there were sighs of relief all around.

“I have to admit that I cried like a baby when I fired up Facebook on my computer and it blinked up on the screen again. It was like an old friend I had lost for thirty years. I immediately made about 15 updates and once again the world was an OK place to be in,” Mr Cornholio added.

Hillary Clinton to Star in Italian Horror Movie

Guiseppe Suspiria
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0
Hillary Clinton to Star in Italian Horror Movie

“Hillary Clinton scares the living shit out of me when I look at her. Just looking at her demonic manifestation and her reptile eyes makes my skin crawl. I had to cast her for the movie and luckily she accepted, because frankly she’s bored with this Obama doofus who is a loser on a grand scale. She can’t stand being second fiddle to him,” director, Dario Argento told Horror Week, whilst shooting the movie’s intro scenes in Milan.

The plot of the movie is a well kept secret, but Mr Argento has revealed that his leading lady, Mrs Clinton, will play a ‘shapeshifter’ who infiltrates a political party and becomes a high ranking politician.

“I know this storyline has been flogged to death already, but let me tell you my horror fans, this time it will be different and you shall be scared out of your fucking skin. Oh mio Dio! I am a seasoned horror fan myself but after watching Hillary in real life, I was so scared that a little of my hair went white instantly. She’s the real deal,” Mr Argento revealed.

The director is said to be fascinated by the many faces of Hillary Clinton.

Filming of Demons VI is scheduled to finish by July of next year and Hillary Clinton will make regular flights to Italy to film her scenes as well as continue her job as Secretary of State to the United States. The White House has given full clearance for the film as has the Pentagon.

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