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Americans Laugh at UK’s £5 Trillion Debt

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“We go through that kind of debt in a frickin’ day. You Limeys think you’re something with a tiny debt like that? We can blow a trillion bucks in an afternoon and not even bat an eyelid. Hell, we just let those Chinese pay for it when they buy our junk bonds,” Ed Switzer, the Federal Reserve’s senior spending analyst told Reuters news service.

Americans have big roads, big people, big buildings, big mouths, big burgers, women with huge silicon tits and big cars. Everything in America is on the plus side, including their debt.

“Officially U.S. debt is projected to be $20 Trillion by 2015, and these estimates are conservative to say the least. The actual U.S. debt is closer to $100 Trillion. That pretty much pisses on any so-called debt the Brits have got. We could hoover up that shit before brunch. How many zeroes is that? Hell knows?” Vice President, Joe Biden told the Boston Times.

Rooney Scuppered by New Contract

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“Rooney’s spokesman, Alan Pandersting, told the Manchester Herald that his client has a very good reason for wanting to leave Manchester United football club.”

“My client is rather embarrassed by this disclosure to his fans and the club, but he can’t write his name on the contract, for the very simple reason, he cannot read or write. He is also unable to speak coherent English, or any other language. He simply grunts, and when at home at Waynsor Castle – the mock Tudor mansion he shares with his long suffering wife – he is put in a cage where well paid servants throw raw pieces of meat at him. We are therefore sorry for Old Trafford’s loss, Alex Ferguson’s loss and the Man U fans who will bear the brunt of Wayne’s caveman ways.”

The Manchester United board of directors at one time tried to get Mr Rooney to sign the contract by dipping his hand in a pot of paint but this backfired after the twelve people holding Mr Rooney down were injured terribly in the frantic scuffle that took place in the board room.

“Rooney was like a caged animal, at one point he bit one of the directors then threw an attendant out of the third floor window. We’re even thinking of bringing in a tranquiliser gun so that we can get his signature thumbprint,” Sammo Gesticule, the club’s injury specialist told the Sun.

Britain’s Aircraft Carriers to be Used as Floating Amusement Parks

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“The days of fighting wars are over for Britain. Once we used to be a great seafaring military nation, today, we’re a laughing stock. I’ve heard that Taiwan’s navy has more ships and capability than ours, and even Madagascar has a bigger navy. From now on, our ships will be used as floating amusement parks, and maybe they’ll be able to recoup some of the trillions of debt the UK is now in,” Vice Admiral, Ronald Staines, wrote in the dossier which was then leaked to the Daily Mail.

Britain’s multi-million pound ships will have water slides, roller coasters and hundreds of rides to amuse all and sundry once the ships are open for business in 2011.

“This is an exciting time for the population. You just forget all your troubles, like not having a job and losing your home, family, savings, future. Just come to our aircraft carriers and play with the Harriers, maybe take a roller coaster ride, or just jump into the sea with your family. One way or another, you’ll soon forget about your miserable life in Britain,” the Vice Admiral revealed to the BBC on Tuesday after the leak.

Emperor Diocletian Would Have Been Proud of Persecution of Muslims

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The elites have been doing it for centuries. First create a problem, then engender a reaction in the masses, then come up with a solution to the ‘problem’ and bring in even more repressive control systems.

The Muslims are a suitable bogeyman for the Western world, and are being used to bring in a new system of extreme control and inhibitive laws that will take away our already limited freedoms further.

Just as Emperor Diocletion burned his own palaces to create a partial extermination drive against the Christians within the Roman Empire who were judged as a threat to his rule, so too are the elite unelected controllers using the spectre of ‘Al Qaeda’ and all Muslims to bring in their laws.

The parallels are also extremely similar to the persecution of the Jews by the Nazis in 1935, wherein, the Jews were cited as the main cause of Germany’s economic and societal problems.

Gleichschaltung”

Arnold Winklejenkem, a professor at the Swiss Institute of Fiscal Studies says: “The Muslims are playing into the hands of these people who want them to carry on with their brainwashed religious fervour. A Muslim’s enthusiasm for his religion is thus a weapon for the Western controllers to bring in the next stage of human enslavement. Islam is a threat to these controllers because the people controlled by that particular religion are not within their parameters, however, the Western controllers are now utilising this threat for their own sinister ends.

“Who profited from 911 or 7/7? It certainly wasn’t any Muslim. One must look at the Latin phrase cui bono? and understand that the Muslims are being used to bring in the next level of Western scientific dictatorship, which will be ruled by those with superior technological prowess and specific techniques in human control systems.”

The expulsion of the gypsies by Neo-Fascist elements within the French government in 2010 adhere to Fascist principals and are a step in the right direction towards the new system of mass expulsions and persecutions of ethnic minorities that will become more prevalent in the future. Israel’s expulsions and extermination of the Palestinians is another example of Fascistic governments utilising perceived threats to forward their own creation of a xenophobic state.

“First they let all these people into the already crowded eurozone for a reason — to create unrest and an element of threat to the populations. The outcry by the indigenous population is allowed to increase to a certain point of pressure, before the respective governments suddenly step in and bring in the new solution –ordo ab chao,” professor Winklejenkem added.

New York Bed Bugs Catch Plane to London

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News coming from the bed bug community in New York is that they are bored of New Yorkers and have a strong desire to travel.

“Bed bug tourists

Alfie Newhart, chief microbiologist and sanitation expert to the New York Mayoral office said: “We got a problem here in New York city. Like, the whole place is infested with bed bugs; but now we hear they want to branch out, maybe take a transatlantic flight here or there. We’re getting whispers down the grapevine that the bed bugs are frankly tired of taking a big bite out of the Big Apple. Put yourselves in their shoes. Once you’ve done New York, seen the sights, been up the Empire State, bitten the shit out of some poor bastards leg in the Ritz, what is there? It’s like, hey, we’re on the first class United Airlines flight out of here and maybe go to Europe for awhile. Check out our cousins in England, see the Houses of Parliament, maybe bite on some inbred Limeys ass for a change. Yankees are so frickin’ boring, they fumigate too much, they just don’t get bed bugs. The English though? Sheesh, they don’t even notice when a shed load of bugs are sucking the blood out of their ankles or the tax man taking away everything they ever owned.”

During a recent flight from New York’s JFK airport, about 2,000 bed bugs were seen transporting themselves on a passenger’s toupée onto the plane.

The New York authorities did not act because they were too busy itching from bed bug bites.

All over New York, millions of people are daily seen itching and scratching themselves in the streets, in the restaurants, cafes and cinemas. Some are now calling the bed bug phenomenon, the ‘New York shuffle’.

Cameron Wants Every Briton to Make Arts and Crafts to Settle £5 Trillion Debt

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“If every person in the UK makes bits ‘n’ bobs and assorted bricabrac to sell on ebay or arts and crafts fairs, we could reduce the countries £5 Trillion deficit by almost twenty or thirty quid,” Mr Cameron told the House of Commons on Friday’s PMQs session.

The new initiative unveiled by Mr Cameron has been dreamed up by Whitehall denizens earmarked for the chop but still thinking of ways to get out of the previous Labour government’s created mess.

Speaking from Westminster, Roger Eapils, a senior analyst in budget reduction, said: “After the scorched earth policy conducted by the previous Labour government to saddle the UK with an impossible level of debt, we knew our cushy jobs were on the line. No way in hell were we going to even consider giving up our early retirement pension plans, assorted entertainment budgets, safari trips and desk jobs where we get paid to have expensive lunches at top London restaurants. This is how we came up with the plan for every person to make arts and crafts. We will be sending out leaflets and instructions to every household in the UK by next week.”

The leaflets that are earmarked for every household’s letterbox will include details on how to make paperweights, cute clay figures, funny mugs, bead necklaces and door stops.

The slogan that the leaflets will tout is: “Car Boot for Britain. Your paperweights can save us from the £5 Trillion IMF knackers yard”

Michelle Obama Bribes Voters at Poll Station With Home Cooked Goodies

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“I’m sure this chicken wing and drumstick will help you vote in the right way,” Michelle Obama says as she speaks to Dontavius Jackson Jr. just before he gets to the polling machine.

The culinary tasting exercise began after Mrs. Obama stopped off at the Martin Luther King Center on the south side of Chicago to cast an early vote on Thursday.

After finishing at the machine, Obama went back to the desk and handed in her voting key, then an aide gave her a big bucket of fried chicken.

She let voters including electrician Dontavius Jackson Jr, 46, taste a bit of ‘that homemade fried chicken’.

“She handed me a tasty chicken wing and was telling me how important it was to vote to keep her husband’s agenda going. I just ate that shit up. Hmm hmm it was finger lickin’ goo-o-o-d. Y’all know who I voted fo’ fo’ sho!” Jackson Jr. said before tossing a chicken bone on the polling station’s floor.

According to an Illinois State Board of Elections official, Sanders Gibbs, at the scene, the fried chicken tasting session took place inside the voting centre, not far from the booths.

“Soon enough there was a queue round the block for people to vote. Once word got around, people were busing in from other neighbourhoods to get some good eats and vote. We had to close the booths at one time because of the crowds and when Michelle ran out of buckets we nearly had a goddamn riot,” Gibbs revealed.

Developing…

Last Chilean Miner Out Arrested

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The last man out was Augusto José Ramón Pinochet, an imposter who somehow blended in with the other miners, and was arrested immediately when he came to the surface.

“We don’t know how this man got into the mine and masqueraded as a miner for 69 days but he is going to jail now for sure,” President Sebastian Pinera told the assembled crowds and reporters.

Mr Pinochet waved at the cameras as he was led away to a waiting police van.

“He told us his name was Ruiz and he was in the mine to help. When he started to torture a few us and try and recruit us into a paramilitary police force, then we got a little scared,” Rodriguez Chichotas, one of the trapped miners told the Santiago Times.

Britain’s Jails Could be Empty in Two Years

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Mr Clark’s plan to make every prisoner work a 40-hour week in prison could soon have Britain’s prison system completely empty claim the governors.

“No one would want to go to jail then. It would be a nightmare situation for them; it’s like a holiday camp now with video games, tv, internet, drugs, classes, days out and constant recreation. Can you imagine if they had to work a 40-hour week in jail?” Lee Sparnes, governor for Brookespan prison in Wigan told the Telegraph.

Currently, the UK is the most workshy country in Europe with six out of ten people out of work permanently and receiving state benefits, therefore, to make prisoners work a 40-hour week will be tantamount to war in some parts of the country.

Kevin Grimes, a 24-year-old career criminal was disgusted at the new prison rules proposed by Mr Clark: “I went to prison to escape work. Now they want us to work in prison? I really, really, really don’t want to go to jail now.”

Some inmates at Wormwood Scrubs prison protested last week after hearing the news, by boycotting the prison’s upcoming Halloween party, which is held every year at a cost of £45,000 to the taxpayer.

Houses of Parliament Sewage Recycling to Power Half of Country

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The politicians in the House of Commons and House of Lords already produce enough methane gas to power half the nation’s homes, the companies involved in the groundbreaking project revealed on Monday.

“We thought we’d put these politicians to good use for a change. Why not harness this incredible power emanating from these politicians’ posteriors? There will be collection points directly underneath the Houses of Parliament where the liquid shit will be funnelled into special fermentation tanks, then the created gas will be pumped directly to homes across the South East and even as far away as Birmingham,” Erin Boskovitch, senior project manager for the EDF, Thames Water, British Gas and Scotia Gas
Networks told the Energy Weekly paper.

Chris Huhne, Energy and
Climate Change Secretary, said: “It’s not every day that a Secretary of
State can announce that my arse and many of compatriots arses will finally save the UK from ‘Global Warming’ and high energy costs. Next time you’re cooking your dinner on the gas hob, take a while to think where that gas came from. Could have been Camaron, Ed Balls, me, or John Prescott.”

According
to Thames Water, the whole process – from flushing a Commons toilet to gas being
piped to people’s homes – takes around 5 days.

Marty Stools, chief executive of Thames Water said: “We chose the politicians in Westminster for this landmark project purely because they create so much shit. More so than anyone else in the country, therefore, from this ample farm of fecal matter, we know we can soon pipe gas to every home in the UK.”

Anil Piles, chief
executive of Scotia Gas Networks, added: “The gas that we are
transporting doesn’t arrive from the North Sea or abroad,
but instead comes from the vast gaseous quarters of the Houses of Parliament.
That’s got to be recycling at its very best.”