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Man Begs For Food Outside Obama Restaurant

by Byron Freddy
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Man Begs For Food Outside Obama Restaurant

“I saw him in there. He was eating some food and my mouth started to water. I ain’t eaten in two days. I hoped they could throw me some scraps, even a stale piece o’ bread. I had hope. Hell, I even voted for that guy. He was eating lobster, then they brought him dessert. That champagne looked mighty fine too, hmm hmm,” Dilbert Wilkins, an unemployed teacher from Chicago’s Southside told CBS news.

After Obama’s meal was over, his entourage of 23 vehicles left the restaurant in a hurry. Mr Dilbert tried to say something to the President but was escorted away by some secret service men.

“Hey, at least they feed you in jail huh,” Mr Dilbert said before he was put into the back of an unmarked car.

President Obama’s White House spokesman, Ari Schweissman, said: “The president cut short his meal because he saw a man at the window salivating and obviously hungry. After the president’s entourage sped off, he personally ordered the man be taken to the rear of the restaurant and given a free meal from the bins in the back. You see folks, there is some hope out there. Remember, vote for change. Vote for hope.”

Stephen Fry's New Book "What Women Want" Hits Bestseller List

by Byron Freddy
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Stephen Fry's New Book "What Women Want" Hits Bestseller List

Holding the book signing in a Picadilly Circus public lavatory, Mr Fry exited a cubicle to applause from his assembled female fans.

“Thank you, thank you. I’ve just had my arse felt by a 53-year-old van driver. George would be proud. Come now ladies, wouldn’t you all like to have casual encounters like us gay men?” Mr Fry smuggly quipped before sitting down in front of a urinal to sign some of the books that are now selling like hot turds nestled on the edge of a toilet seat.

Many women travelled across the country to finally meet Mr Fry and thank him for liberating them from the shackles of chastity.

“I’ve read his book and as a result I now go to Hampstead Heath every night and have sex with complete strangers. That’s why I now have AIDS and Gonorrhea. I came to have my book signed by Stephen today and thank him especially for inducting me into the ways of gay boys like him,” Elaine Pritchard, a librarian from Wood Green told the Daily Mail.

Stephen Fry’s new book, published by Armitage Shanks, is number one on the bestseller list and is an authority on what women want and think about.

Charlie Sheen Taking Flying Lessons

by Byron Freddy
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Charlie Sheen Taking Flying Lessons

“Charlie Sheen always wanted to fly, so we arranged some lessons in a Cessna. He’s already had 30 hours flight time and is ready for his first written test,” Mr Sheen’s agent, Bernie Goldstein, told the New York Times.

The actor’s long suffering flight instructor recalled some of the lessons: “First we go through the preliminary checks, then once we’re up in the air, Charlie gets the booze and drugs out. He snorts on the dashboard, then downs about six or seven bottles of red wine, and by that time we’re ready to land. Last week he brought up two whores for some in-flight entertainment. Sometimes, the altitude gets to him and he has one of his tantrums. After a few nosedives and loops the sound of the wheels screeching on the tarmac is a welcome relief. Good thing I always carry a parachute just in case though, eh.”

Mr Sheen has already gone through twelve instructors at the Torres Flight School in nearby New Jersey, as only a few are brave enough to fly with the actor.

French Refuse to Riot After 62

by Byron Freddy
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French Refuse to Riot After 62

“It is almost a form of existentialism a la Camus and Sartre, one must riot, it is the French way, but we emphatically refuse to do so after we are 62 years old. In England, the Ros Boefs, they don’t riot and they have worse indignities forced upon them by their governments, so at least we riot. Here, mes amis, we have that petit midget Sarko dictating to us. We say, allez cochon, we will riot day and night to show our displeasure until we are 62. On the streets of Montmartre, and all over the boulevards, there will be burning cars and riots. Vive la révolution!” Jean Henri, 24, a student at the Universite de Reims Champagne-Ardenne told Le Monde.

The French authorities have welcomed the news that their citizens are not so keen on rioting after 62.

Speaking from the Ministry of Justice, Alphonse Merde, told Le Figaro: “This is indeed good news. Rioting is generally for those who have that youthful spark of fire and rebellion inside their being. Our citizens are refusing to riot after the age of 62. They can have their fun for awhile, then they can retire from rioting.”

Paul the Octopus Sold to Korean Restaurant

by Byron Freddy
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Paul the Octopus Sold to Korean Restaurant

“We had to let him go. He was predicting too many things. Like he predicted that my wife would leave me, that she would take everything, and even that I would crash my BMW on the Autobahn. I just said ‘Hey, Paul, you gotta go man. You’re disturbing me,” Jens Schweinner, the aquarium boss in charge of Paul the Octopus revealed to Bild magazine.

In an awful twist, poor old Paul the Octopus did not predict his demise, and was suddenly snatched from his aquarium and unceremoniously sold to the Korean restaurant in downtown Berlin.

“It like Old Boy. We got him on the plate and just start on Paul the Octopus, In Korea it delicacy. Raw octopus alive. It make a good meal,” Phong Moon Seoung, the proprietor of the Sun Woo restaurant revealed.

Obama’s Lame Duck Halloween Costume

by Byron Freddy
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Obama’s Lame Duck Halloween Costume

“I heard Barrack is going to the White House Halloween party dressed as a duck, I have to say that’s right on the mark,” Spencer Geitzburger, part of the White House’s press corp. said at a recent press call.

The truth is that Barack never ‘delivered’, and you would have had to be bloody stupid to believe that he ever could ‘deliver’. Currently, the U.S. economy is barely clinging on before it is sucked under by the massive maelstrom of debts incurred by Obama. Health care reform bills, failed stimulus packages and the continuation of two losing wars have dealt a big blow to U.S. confidence and economy.

“The economy was bad because of Bush, but this guy made it worse. You can’t cure an alcoholic by giving him more booze. The debt should have been cut, not added to. Now American taxpayers have to service this vast debt. The debt incurred by Obama’s team is going to put about five future generations of Americans in extreme poverty. Do you know how much we pay to service this debt on interest alone per frickin’ day?” Obama’s ex-chief economist, Ed Tremens, who left the presidential team last week, after many months of banging his head against a brick wall.

“Ponzi Scheme”

The debt incurred by the Americans is not sustainable because there is no way they can reduce their interest rates any lower.

“We can’t have interest rates at a minus number. We would have to reduce interest rates to minus 17 just to get even with the amount of debt we have. Plus don’t forget, America is being slowly bled dry by wars on two fronts in the Middle East. The Arabs and Afghans know very well, that the longer they keep America in the war, the more money will be wasted and American lives lost. It is an unwinnable war that can only be won by killing every man, woman and child in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s the only way you can win against a Muslim country. You have to literally kill every single person, and then start again with the Christians,” Mr Tremens added.

Barack Hussein Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace prize for being the first ever black man to win a presidential election. That was his achievement, and after that momentous affair which involved some serious brainwashing and mass hypnotism, there could only be one way to go..down.

Manchester Brothels Celebrating Sports Star’s Five Year Contract Renewal

by Byron Freddy
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Manchester Brothels Celebrating Sports Star’s Five Year Contract Renewal

“We just heard the
great news. He’s signed another lucrative five year contract at £250,000
a week. We just hit the jackpot! He’ll be in here spending, spending,
spending!” Jackie, 43, one of the prostitutes in the brothel told the
Manchester Times.

The Manchester area has approximately 3,500
brothels and they are all regularly frequented by footballers, the
Manchester Police have disclosed.

“His wife don’t care because he
comes home with his wallet. But that’s not all he comes back with eh!
How about some crabs and a bit of gonorrhea?” Mable, 61, another
prostitute in an Old Trafford brothel taunted.

New WikiPlugs Site Threatens WikiLeaks

by Byron Freddy
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New WikiPlugs Site Threatens WikiLeaks

A spokesman for the recently launched site, WikiPlugs, told ABC news about the new venture: “It’s real easy. When WikiLeaks discloses documents detailing the mass murder of civilians in the two wars America is currently engaged in, we get a big internet plug and basically plug the leak. It’s a piece of code which we call a plug. It’s not like a butt plug but more like a sink plug. When anyone logs onto the WikiLeaks site, they just get an image of a plug. This way, the truth about the war crimes will never be leaked.”

Rogers Nelson, one of the programmers on the new WikiPlugs project did not reveal where the company received the funding from, but their main office is bang in the middle of the CIA’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

“We’re in room 2314b, which is just down the hall from Rummy’s old room and also a torture room that Dick and Dubya used to enjoy frequenting whenever the building had a fresh meat delivery from Iraq,” the CEO for WikiPlugs, Freddy Goering, told CNN.

Three Strikes and You Go to Jail: Coalition Gets Tough on Murderers

by Byron Freddy
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0
Three Strikes and You Go to Jail: Coalition Gets Tough on Murderers

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke plans to impose a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ rule that will jail serial killers and murderers.

He says he wants to send a ‘very strong message’ about Britain’s lax jail system and laws. ‘If you kill someone, then another and then maybe another person, we might have to prosecute you, plus you might also lose your benefit payments as well,’ Mr Clarke said.

Yesterday, outside the Old Bailey, a crowd protested at the absurdity of the new laws being implemented.

Axe murderer and thief from East London, Arthur Biddleswaide, 56, was disgusted by the new regulations: “So you’re saying that if I slaughter three people I go to jail? Bloody ridiculous! And I lose my benefits? Where is this Kenneth Clarke geezer, I’ll have his head?”

Johnson Redsparn, a certified maniac and machete wielding nutter from Swindon said: “What are they going to restrict next? Eh? They want to put us in jail? I’ve a good mind to go on another spree.”

The UK’s lax laws have created a breeding ground for serious criminals and killers roaming the streets. The new Coalition government has been left with no choice but to jail persistent murderers, and from next month, even rapists may be jailed. ‘We are negotiating over the final details,’ said one MP. 

Thousands of U.S. Lawyers Abandoning America

by Byron Freddy
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1

“What’s the point? Eight years of law school and I’ve got a huge debt with no job prospects. We’re awash with lawyers here. Our land where you can get sued for looking at someone the wrong way, has now got so many lawyers in it that some of us have to jump ship. I need to litigate. I have this urgent desire to prosecute, but some other lawyer always gets there first,” Artie Schweisman, a recent law graduate from Boston Law School told CBS news.

Much like the pilgrims who first set sail from England to America in 1621, a new ship is now sailing from Cape Cod to anywhere in the world where there is a shortage of lawyers.

“I heard they need some lawyers in Afghanistan, or maybe Tasmania. I’ll do anything to represent someone. Just that feeling you get, the excitment of the judges gavel slamming down, everyone rise, guilty or not guilty. I look round at the jury, I can feel their apprehension…and then..Bam! I realise I’m still in my dorm room with $120,000 student debt to payoff and no hope of ever getting a frickin’ job,” Mr Schweisman said.

The ship can hold upto 5,000 lawyers and 200 crew. Already, 30,000 lawyers have thus applied to go on the voyage but after rigorous selections, the numbers were whittled down. Each lawyer has to pay approximately $45,000 to even be considered a place on board, and this will not include food.

“We hope to set sail in December. We even have a few Christmas trees on board. God help us all, I need to litigate so bad, that last night I tried to sue my college professor to recover some of the funds for my four year course. He then counter sued me for trying to sue him and won. Shithead!” the leader of the voyaging lawyers, Shabbaz Mandingo, told the ABC news network.

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