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IMF Needs Emergency Bailout

by Ludwig Fandango
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IMF Needs Emergency Bailout

“We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die!” Mr Strauss-Kahn yelped as he looked at the figures again.

With Greece and its 144pc of GDP debt threatening a debt-compound trap; Ireland, Portugal, Spain and Italy faltering, where is the money going to come from? How many bailouts can there be?

Contagion

“This is like a big Ponzi scheme crashing to the ground. The EU was always a very precarious stack of cards and all it took was a slight wind to blow the whole house down. We can’t bail everyone out. Who the f*ck’s going to bail us – the IMF – out?” Mr Strauss-Kahn muttered as he cried into his sodden newspaper.

Thanks to the likes of John Major, who refused pointblank to join the doomed euro single currency in the 1990’s, the UK is thankfully not using the cursed euro. If he had capitulated, the UK would be in the same dire mess the PIIGS and the rich European countries, who won’t be rich for much longer.

As the euro currency is slowly flushed down the toilet bowl of history, hopefully so will the European union with its unelected bureaucrats be flushed into the stinking sewer where they belong. Good riddance, bon débarras!

I'm A Celebrity X-Factor Dancing Britain's Got Big Master Brother Chef Talent

by Ludwig Fandango
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I'm A Celebrity X-Factor Dancing Britain's Got Big Master Brother Chef Talent

The new show called “I’m A Celebrity X-Factor Dancing Britain’s Got Big Master Brother Chef Talent” will be aired on all terrestrial, digital and satellite channels simultaneously 24 hrs a day for the next thirty or forty years, TV executives excitedly revealed yesterday.

“This new show will have stuff on there that you’ve always seen before. You will not have any choice but to watch the new show because there will not be anything else on any channels ever again,” Jon Winnit, an executive for ITV4 revealed to Media Week.

The new format will include a list of celebrities who no one has ever heard of and other churned up celebrity has-been meat that needs a fourth attempt at reality stardom and a new agent.

“When it comes to entertainment, this show is going to be the dogs bollocks. You’ll never want to leave your home ever again, let alone your f*cking sofa. Forget about working or thinking about how you’re going to pay the mortgage, just watch the telly and shut the f*ck up,” Mr Winnit added.

U.S. to Mint Weimar Republic Dollars

by Ludwig Fandango
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0
U.S. to Mint Weimar Republic Dollars

“During the recently announced Quantitative Easing program, we have decided to redesign the dollar forever. Because of the accelerated hyperinflation that will occur after the economy is flooded with dollars, the banknotes will reflect the Weimar Republic of Germany in the 1920’s as a symbol of what is to come.

“We will soon see people going to the shops with suitcases of dollars to buy everyday groceries, we will see queues stretching for miles at the soup kitchens, we will see many zeroes on the end of price tags for everyday goods. This will be the reality of the American Weimar economy,” Timothy Franz Geithner, who is of German descent, told the Economist magazine.

From next month, there will be no more Washington or Franklin, but instead a Weimar Republic note which will start in the billions and end in the trillion dollar denomination.

Each billion dollar note will be worth about 10 Yuan according to top economists consulted during the mass QE program that is currently under way.

Woman With Chastity Belt Refused Entry Into America

by Ludwig Fandango
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6
Woman With Chastity Belt Refused Entry Into America

Denver airport TSA officials who tried to conduct an intimate pat-down on the woman when she refused a full-body x-ray scan, were baffled when they came across the vintage Victorian metal body hugging piece on the woman’s body.

Refused entry

“We were just about to get stuck into this woman when out of nowhere I found a big metal thing over her crotch area. I called over my supervisor, who asked the woman for the key so that we could find what she’s hiding away in there. Dang, it must be pretty precious for her to lock it away like that,” Arl Humperdinck, a TSA official told Fox News.

The woman who refused to unlock her chastity belt was later detained until further investigation and refused entry into the US.

Obama Wins Second Nobel Peace Prize

by Ludwig Fandango
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Obama Wins Second Nobel Peace Prize

“We thought we’d give him another Nobel Peace Prize, because he’s still there. He’s alive and well, hasn’t bought the farm, no rednecks been at him. For us that’s a big enough deal, right there,” Jens Kappa Unninson, the Nobel Peace Prize’s president told Norway’s premier newspaper, Aftenposten.

Naturally, President Obama, was pleased to be awarded another Nobel Peace Prize and will fly to Oslo to collect it in December.

“In this time of hardship, the president is very happy to receive another Nobel Peace Prize. He will accept the prize with gratitude and would like to thank the Nobel board for believing in his policies of Hope and Change,” Moshe Liebowitz, the White House’s spokesman told CNN.

Daily Squib Office Party Ruined by Pontins Closure

by Ludwig Fandango
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Daily Squib Office Party Ruined by Pontins Closure

“People were visibly weeping in the Squib building, and the editor locked himself in his room all day throwing furniture around. It has been a terrible time for us, we were so looking forward to going down to Pontins for our Christmas party,” sub editor, Mike Hunt, said whilst weeping into a soiled handkerchief.

Pontins, which as a British tradition, is famous for its cockroaches, vomit stained bed sheets, fecal matter smeared walls and nasty attitude from the staff.

“That was the charm of the place. You go there, get totally blootered, then relax in your flea infested mouldy room. You can only go to that place when drunk out of your f*cking mind, if you’re ever sober, that’s when it gets really bad. Imagine waking up sober in someone else’s vomit with cockroaches all over your face? You’d be distraught if you weren’t drunk,” Alan Titmunch, one of the Squib’s features writers said.

“Pontins is the only place where you have to wipe your feet on the way out of their chalets,” another Squib writer quipped.

Flying to America? Get Ready for Full-Body Scanners and Internal Body Searches

by Ludwig Fandango
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8
Flying to America? Get Ready for Full-Body Scanners and Internal Body Searches

Americans sure don’t do thing in halves, do they? If you’re travelling to America any time soon, be sure to give your internal cavities a good wash because you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of everyone when they search you. Unpleasant smells from your crotch area can be offensive to the brute TSA official searching your rectum or vagina, therefore hygiene is an essential must-do.

Be prepared for invasive pat-downs, especially for women being searched by some 6-foot thug armed with a big smile and wandering hands. Unless you enjoy having your breasts rubbed hard by a man you’ve never met in your life before, maybe travel elsewhere this year.

If that’s not bad enough, don’t forget that you will also be required to go through an American x-ray machine called a body scanner. This will ensure that you will have every minute part of your anatomy displayed to the authorities, and also get a nice dose of radiation for your troubles as well.

“I am required to travel to America at least ten times a year. I am only 24 years old, therefore I calculate, I should get full-blown lymphatic cancer by the age of 30,” a recent business traveller from Italy told the Rai Uno
channel.

A man is told to leave the airport after refusing to be genitally groped

 

What of the flight crews and pilots who have to endure the horror of travelling to America on a regular basis? Well, according to many airlines, the crews just have to grin and bear it.

“It’s all part of the job. We’re abused by the passengers in the air, and the TSA authorities on the ground. We’re all going to get some cancer related illness sooner or later from the x-ray machines and the groping is all part of the job now. There are even training days on how to take the news that you have cancer, and how to deal with TSA officials sticking their arms half way up your rectum,” Janine Fulworth, a flight attendant for British Airways told the BBC.

Bon Voyage..

Have You Seen This man?

by Ludwig Fandango
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0
Have You Seen This man?

The Daily Squib is offering a £10.00 reward for information leading to the the arrest and prosecution of the thug involved in the throwing of the fire extinguisher from the roof of CCHQ on Wednesday.

If anyone knows who this person is and would like to collect £10.00 for their troubles, please phone our dedicated phone line at 08989 193434 (calls will be charged at £6.50 per minute).

The fire extinguisher that was tossed from the roof narrowly missed a Con Dem politician who had just arrived at the towers for an all expenses paid slap up meal and a brief discussion on how to reduce the massive budget deficit created by the previous government.

Someone out there knows who was responsible and the Squib hopes they have a conscience – phone 08989 193434 now.

University Freshers’ Ball Gets Off to Spanking Start

by Ludwig Fandango
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1
University Freshers’ Ball Gets Off to Spanking Start

When it comes to Freshers’ Balls, this year, the gonads were swinging with gusto. Forget about black ties and dresses, how about cammo and balaclavas? How about a smattering of agent provocateur inserted into the middle class majority to spike things up a notch? How about some nice headlines on TV which you can send back to mummy and daddy in their nice semi in Putney? It was like the Bullingdon Club came home to roost.

“Fuck lectures! This has been the best Freshers’ Ball I’ve ever been too. Look over there, those aren’t marshmallows roasting on the fire but copper’s bollocks,” Alan Trent-Jones, 21, from Oxford University told the BBC.

Indeed, this year’s Freshers Ball enjoyed a pretty sizeable turnout with just over 50,000 students turning up to have some much needed fun.

“Finally the UK got some fucking balls. We turned up the barometer a bit just like our Gallic cousins do on a regular basis. For too long the Brits have been bent over a table and fucked up the arse by the two-faced, hypocritical governing classes. This time, we thought we’d show ’em what we’re thinking,” another student from Leicester Uni. said.

Naturally, the police had a great time too.

“This was a great opportunity for us to show that we need more funding and not cuts. That’s why we just had a few personnel there, who either ran away when the party kicked off, or just stood by. Of course, they were under orders to let the students and agent provocateurs have their fun,” one of the policemen overseeing the operation told the Mirror.

Britain's First Face Transplant Hailed a Success

by Ludwig Fandango
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0
Britain's First Face Transplant Hailed a Success

“This has been an absolutely astounding piece of work. We successfully completed the complicated surgery after many months, even years of preparation,” chief surgeon, Dr Tory Benn, revealed from the Royal Gloucestershire Hospital in Piccadilly.

Eleven surgeons performed the 28-hour operation, which leaves the person able to perform similar tasks to the owner of the previous face.

Dr Benn said the operation was the most complex transplant completed to date. Surgeons had to incorporate politics, charisma, lies and bullshit from a man who had recently had an unfortunate accident in government. 

“It’s incredible, they both function in the exact same way but with different faces,” a bemused member of the public said..

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