17.7 C
London
Thursday, October 24, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 62

Old Farter: Biden’s Private Gaseous Fury

Kane Coe
-
0
Old Farter: Biden’s Private Gaseous Fury

It’s not just the former Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla, who has felt and smelled the gaseous wrath of Joe Biden, apparently his aides tremble with fear every time they are summoned to a meeting alone with the old coot.

In public, Joe Biden likes to fart to make a point. In private, he’s prone to farting with faecal anger.

Behind closed doors, Biden has such a quick-trigger loose anal outburst that some aides try to avoid meeting alone with him. Some take a colleague, almost as a shield against a solo blast that may induce immediate vomiting.

The president’s admonitions include: “God dammit, how the fuck don’t you know this?! *Pra-a-a-a-a-a-a-p!*,” “Don’t fucking bullshit me! *Pz-z-z-z-z-z-t!*” and “Get the fuck out of here! *Spla-a-a-a-a-a-t!*” — according to current and former Biden aides who have witnessed and been on the receiving end of such gassy outbursts.

Why it matters: The private eruptions from the Big Guy’s ass paint a more complicated picture of Biden as an imposter than his carefully cultivated image as a creepy uncle who loves Aviator sunglasses, underage girls and ice cream.

Some Biden aides think the creep would be better off getting a permanent plug in his asshole to prevent public and private assaults on the nasal and Tympanic palate.

“Sometimes he farts with such violence he literally shits himself, but he is so clueless he walks around grinding the dripping faeces into the White House carpet as it seeps out the bottom of his trousers. Then he slams himself into a chair and the squishing noise along with the smell is sickening, Janine Kaminski, one of his special aides vomited onto a portrait of George W Bush when Biden farted directly in her open mouth whilst sitting on the couch. At first, she looked like she was coping with it, but the smell of his fart wafted right into her open mouth, and she started to convulse, her eyes turned upwards just showing the whites, and we heard her lunch coming up her gullet,” Gene Van Zant, another retired (sacked) aide revealed.

Senior and lower-level aides alike can be in Biden’s line of fire. “No one is safe,” said one administration official.

Biden aides still talk about how angry he got at Jeff Zits, then the administration’s “Transgender czar,” in late 2021 when there was a shortage of transgender castration and cock ring kits delivered to primary schools.

A spokesperson for Zits told CNN: “I’m not going to speak to what internal convos may or may not have happened between Jeff and the Big Guy.”

The White House declined to comment.

“There’s no question that the Biden fart release is for real. It may not be as volcanic as Krakatoa, but it’s definitely there,” said Chris Ripper, author of “The Fart of His Life: Inside Joe Biden’s White House.”

Ripper’s book quotes former White House press secretary Jen Paki as saying: “I said to [Biden] multiple times, ‘I’ll know we have a really good, trusting relationship when you fart at me the first time.'”

Ripper notes: “Paki wouldn’t have to wait long.”

In January 2022, he was caught on a hot mic farting in the general direction of a Fox News reporter.

Ross Mandingo, chief Fox News correspondent, was found unconscious at the White House press meeting, and soon after the incident took a permanent leave of absence due to Post Fart Traumatic Disorder (PFTD).

Dylan Mulvaney to be Star of Biden 2024 Campaign

Kane Coe
-
0
Dylan Mulvaney to be Star of Biden 2024 Campaign

After completely destroying the Bud Light brand by Anheuser-Busch, twinkle toe Dylan Mulvaney, who is currently assuming the role of a woman by grotesque mockery, is set to become the face of the Biden 2024 presidential campaign.

Mulvaney, 35, has already visited the White House to meet his hero Joe Biden numerous times and is a regular in the South East Wing.

Since his escapades with Bud Light, many companies supporting the beer have gone bust, and even Costco is set to stop trying to sell the beer that no one wants, after the piss water received the dreaded “star of death“.

Randy Farquerre, chief staffer for Biden’s election campaign team, is excited to bring Dylan Mulvaney onboard the 2024 presidential ticket.

“Dylan represents everything that is wrong with America, and that’s exactly what Joe Biden represents. We are on the wrong side of the track going nowhere fast, and that’s why we chose this obnoxious deluded gay man acting in an obscenely exaggerated manner in the way that he thinks women act. Dylan insults and obfuscates women, every day. The same goes for Biden, he is an imposter trying to act like a president but failing miserably. He is an insult to the White House.”

Drink up your Bud Light, folks, it’s going to be a fun election season.

Scooby Doo Mystery: “Huw Would Have Thought it?”

Kane Coe
-
0
Scooby Doo Mystery: “Huw Would Have Thought it?”

Apparently the mucho secretive cover-up by the BBC hiding the celebrity newsreader who is rather partial to young teens has been uncovered as chief newsreader Huw Edwards — uncovered by his own fucking wife!

Scooby Doo Huw

What a turn of events after speculation was rife over the identity of the celebrity who paid a vulnerable teenager £35,000 for explicit photos. BBC News and Newsnight journalists have also uncovered at least six past and present staff who have complained about his fiddling behaviour.

“Zoinks!”

Much like an episode of Scooby Doo, Velma (Huw’s wife) finally ripped the mask off the mysterious character haunting and eluding everyone for days.

Who gets the Scooby Snacks? Huw gets the absence of long leave and a nice, large pay off from the taxpayer funded BBC.

 

Why ‘Toxic’ Indiana Jones Had to be Ruined

Kane Coe
-
1
Why ‘Toxic’ Indiana Jones Had to be Ruined

The latest and hopefully final desecration of Indiana Jones, a wholesale hero to millions of film fans across the globe, was sadly a necessity within today’s horrible culture. Men, are the enemy in today’s society, and everything they do must be depreciated and negated. Therefore, it was inevitable that our heroic archaeologist Indiana Jones would fall victim to the anti-male hatred that is so prevalent in today’s dystopian nightmare society.

In the horrible socialist, hyper sensitive times we are living in, anything that does not follow strict propaganda guidelines or cultural Marxist ideology is labelled as ‘toxic’. Indiana Jones’ past escapades have thus come up for review, and surprise, surprise — old Indiana Jones is now deemed as ‘toxic’ by the intolerant leftist former liberals who are now staunch communists. Indy must have his entire career ruined, and be retired in disgrace for his previous adventures.

Having a cock and balls, testosterone and leaping over bottomless pits with nothing but a hat and whip are serious no-nos in a culture that has been hijacked by feminazis, gay supremacists, hysterical doomsday eco-cultists, African American fascists and trans hactivists, all funded and promoted by the big money at the top of the chain.

Please do not pay to watch this film, as you will feel truly ashamed of yourself for helping to fund such a piece of utter detritus. The film is not a good farewell to Indy, it is a sickening burial of a hero many have watched over the years. It is hard to understand how such a terrible pointless film could have ever been passed to be made, but it seems Hollywood has absolutely no quality standards anymore, and are entrenched in a deadly suicide dive poisoned by severely toxic political propaganda.

First of all, who is the fucking kid? He is useless, and plonked in solely as a brown token. The Nazi guy is clearly a racist when he is speaking to the hotel waiter, however his team somehow hired an irritating black woman. How probable is it that CIA Nazis in the 1960s would hire a black woman in their team of Aryan supremacists for diversity purposes? The film is one muddled contradiction after another, and the lazy, hackneyed script is a messy drip of diarrhoea from Kathleen Kennedy’s putrid gaping anus. As for the god-daughter of Indy, we have the celebrated British actress, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and her furiously large pear shaped mole, who is destined by studio executives to take over from Indiana Jones in subsequent films. Well, good luck to her, however this may result in even more people not going to see any of the films in the future.

With an enormous $350 million production budget (not including $280 million marketing budget) for frankly a very mediocre, banal film that has none of the previous magic of the first three movies, we can easily surmise that this will be another serious loss for Disney and Lucas film. The first three Indiana Jones films might as well be deleted from the Disney catalogue, because this awful monstrosity destroys everything from those previous classics.

Sadly, the way that Western society has deteriorated to be supposedly ‘inclusive’ is a fabricated lie — it is in fact a harsh, intolerant exclusive censorship-driven curly cunt hair of dystopian Marxist lunacy that is now too far gone to ever redeem itself.

Maybe Putin letting those missiles fly to finish everything off would actually be a delightful relief for billions of people.

Experts: Rishi Sunak Trying Too Hard to be Like White Man

Kane Coe
-
0
Experts: Rishi Sunak Trying Too Hard to be Like White Man

It is the usual case in liberal Western cultures to put the brown faces into office when things get too insane. Rishi Sunak, the current Prime Minister of Britain, is an unelected shoo-in of Indian descent from a former British colony who is fighting a losing battle to save Britain from certain economic and societal collapse.

“When there is no way out, when the economy is fucked in so many ways and everything has multiple downsides, we plonk in the brown face. That’s when you know everything has turned to absolute shite and there is little or no hope. At the best scenario, this magic brown face manages to get the country out of the mire, yet the most likely scenario will be that they mess up everything making it worse, thus leading to more curses for the fall guy brown face,” a member of parliament revealed.

Time is running out for Sunak who is walking the Tories to certain defeat at the next General Election.

“He has absolutely zero charisma, zero likeability and is completely out of touch with the British public. Of course, the British Indians are cheering him on, but that is a limited base for support. With high taxes, high inflation and high interest rates, Sunak is running the British economy into the ground at a rate never seen before. His pledge to reduce immigration is shot, seeing as he let in over 2 million people into the UK mostly from the Indian subcontinent. As for the dinghy’s across the Channel fiasco, any attempt to stop that is halted immediately by the Opposition and the House of Lords, which has become a Marxist cesspit of inequity,” another MP revealed.

Sunak is therefore fighting an uphill battle to stay relevant in an environment that wants to spit him out as soon as possible. If the Tories want to win the election in 2024, they better start thinking about a new leader pretty sharpish because time is running out. They will need someone who can exude some kind of authority and hold the line. Hunt, the miserly Chancellor, will have to be turfed out as soon as possible, as will the parsnip who is the head of the BoE. If any further progress is to be done in Britain, the House of Lords needs to be eviscerated completely of dead wood. Britain must also completely leave the ECHR, and ECJ, as well as delete all EU laws still active in the UK.

Only then will the Tories be electable.

New BBC Game Show “Who’s the Mystery Celebrity?” Causing Bit of a Stir

Kane Coe
-
0
New BBC Game Show “Who’s the Mystery Celebrity?” Causing Bit of a Stir

The latest BBC game show which is causing a massive stir across the nation is called “Who’s the Mystery Celebrity?”.

The BBC’s director-general, Tim Davie, has now become embroiled in the game show, explaining to the media that he is not involved in any way in the mystery.

Who is the mystery celebrity?

“I do not know who I am talking about, or on what subject this is about. I am completely clueless as to who the mystery celebrity is or why they are involved or not involved in any mysterious circumstance that may or may not have ever occurred in the past, present or future.”

The nation of Britain seems to be completely immersed in the search for the mystery BBC celebrity, but in the UK, it is important not to accuse people without substantial evidence is presented first to the mystery, therefore if one does not wish to have their bank account emptied, caution is the effective strategy.

Zuck Twitter Clone to Create Safe Echo Chamber For Shallow Deluded People

Kane Coe
-
1
Zuck Twitter Clone to Create Safe Echo Chamber For Shallow Deluded People

Afraid of reality? Like to look through rose-tinted glasses and delude yourself about the harsh realities occurring on a daily basis in the world, then Zuckerberg’s new Twitter clone heavily censored social media site is for you. If you are a shallow, no news kind of person who cannot cope with reality, then you are most welcome at this fake, plastic, echo chamber for the new breed of deluded intolerant liberals devoid of any real awareness intent on heavy censorship of everything.

We can assure the public that they are better off letting corporate and government censors protect them from harmful thoughts

Who wants to know about the harsh realities and problems that face humanity within the fields of politics, conflict and society? Instead, you are a putrid coward with no dignity and one of those Instagram plastic banal narcissists only concerned with portraying a fake image of your ‘wonderful’ inane artificial existence while Zuckerberg strips you of all your data, profiting off it.

Embrace the Marxist echo chamber where reality does not exist, and you are indoctrinated daily in woke ideology, virtue signalling and inane otiose chatter that wastes your limited time on this earth talking about utter useless shit that serves no purpose but to squander time.

Brain prison

Zuckerberg’s new Twitter clone is just another digital lobotomy for the putrid brainless masses to indulge themselves in, and this is a service served well by the Meta corporation creating these awful horrible digital prison atrocities daily.

One can only hope that Zuck’s Meta World or whatever it is called in the future will have all these fuckers locked into comatose states with these programs linked directly to their central neocortex. It will certainly be a quieter world as they are all in their darkened rooms enacting their dreams of social media stardom in states of utter silence and rigidity. This will be death before actual physical death, as they are entertained to become ineffectual human voids, useless pieces of meat in permanent vegetative states. They will most certainly be fed through tubes and their waste siphoned out of them, reconditioned, then probably fed back to them. Once their hearts stop pumping, they will be put into acid baths and liquified, and the nutrients fed back to the comatose idiots still linked to the system.

Musk’s Twitter is no different to Zuckerberg’s creepy censorship prisons. Heavy-handed censorship is still prevalent on the site, even after the previous regime was supposedly turfed out. Despite promising change, sites like the Daily Squib are still permanently shadowbanned on Twitter.

Your life is meaningless on Instagram as it is on any grotesque Zuckerberg mental prison. It is just that you are too fucking stupid, pathetic, narcissistic and shallow to realise it.

Joe Biden to Block Sun With LGBTQP Rainbow Flags to Stop Global Warming

Kane Coe
-
1
Joe Biden to Block Sun With LGBTQP Rainbow Flags to Stop Global Warming

Joe Biden is known for being rather dim, but now he has had another great idea — blocking out the sun’s healing rays from reaching earth so that the world is consumed by constant darkness. This is all because of global warming, a pseudo-science that views earth’s natural seasonal cycles over millions of years as a problem that needs to be solved by human intervention.

“We are going to cast the earth into permanent darkness so that no plants grow and all the animals will die, including billions of humans, shamalama ding dong, hummada, hummada hummada, zip zap mumble mumble,” Biden revealed at a climate change function in Milwaukee on Wednesday.

“The plan is to get Elon Musk to fly out vast LGBTQP rainbow flags into space and unfurl them or something like that, zippy dang doodle. Hajiminny lengto bzzzzzzt!” Biden added before falling over head first onto a concrete bollard.

Once the LGBTQP rainbow flags are released into space, they will block 99% of the sun’s rays, casting a permanent shadow over the earth. This is so that the earth will be cooled off, and hopefully if everything goes to the Biden plan, all organic life on earth will die.

“It’s the latest gayest idea we came up with at the Democrat Party. We have already completely ruined the US military by turning all the soldiers gay or trans, so now my boss Obama told me that Soros wants me to block the sun’s rays from reaching earth. C’mon man, gimme a break, I’m just following orders here,” Biden added.

The sun is the giver of all life, but according to the Biden administration, that’s the fucking problem.

“Yeah, some people told me that the sun’s rays are crucial for life to survive on earth, but we are global warming experts and fanatics, and we know better than you or the earth. We also love sodomy and trans body mutilation, so hell, why not incorporate all these things with one massive man-made disaster to really kick things off in the climate change world we live in?”

Will there be a little Irish Leprechaun at the end of the LGBTQP flags put in space?

Lee Harvey Mandingo, an astronaut and scientist at SpaceX, expressed his candidness and enthusiasm regarding the new Biden initiative that will plunge the earth into darkness.

“Biden said he specifically wanted an Irish Leprechaun at the end of the LGBTQP rainbow flags in space, so we’re training up our first SpaceX gay dwarf who will be dressed as a Leprechaun when he is shot up into space in his own little gay robot spaceship shaped like a butt plug. When Joe Biden looks through that telescope on the White House lawn, he will be very proud of our achievement, and his vision to destroy all life on earth.”

Here’s to a very dim future, thanks to Joe Biden.

Chinese Communist Style Credit Score Global CBDC System by WEF and BIS

Kane Coe
-
1
Chinese Communist Style Credit Score Global CBDC System by WEF and BIS

Recently, Nigel Farage was cancelled from the banking system because of his political views and role in Brexit, and this is now a prevalent form of cancellation that is taking place in the Western banking system infected by woke Marxist politics.

Global Collectivist Marxist Great Reset

If you are a free market capitalist and a person who values freedom, the future is looking even more dystopian and nightmarish than ever before. The BIS (Bank for International Settlements), EU, UN and the WEF (World Economic Forum) headed by Klaus Schwab is coming out with a monetary digital token system called the global CBDC (Central Bank Digital Currency). This CBDC will incorporate all of your assets, whether monetary, home, cars. It will also be linked to the central bank globally, where your entire assets will be tokenized as CBDC coins. If you, however, do not play ball, and have a mind of your own, or are a person who values privacy, you will be deemed as a subversive and receive a poor social credit score.

This will be a world where the likes of Dylan Mulvaney will have all the money thrown at them, however anyone else will get the short end of the stick. Naturally, the system will be snapped up by the masses purely on the precept of ease of use. When you can buy and sell a home or car with a few clicks on your smartphone, the plebs will take to it like a bunch of bluebottle flies on a spicy dog shit festering on a pavement. They will then be locked into a system which will essentially bleed them dry, and have a social credit score hanging over their heads wherever they go, and be judged on every action they commit forever.

ECB to Start Wholesale CBDC Settlement Trials in 2024

Argentina to pay IMF with yuan as Brazil readies CBDC

India negotiates cross-border CBDC payments with global central banks

Chinese City Jinan Adopts CBDC Payments in Entire Bus Network

Global alignment with communist China

This global CBDC system which is in the roll-out phase globally is modelled on the CCP social score system where citizens who are marked as not communists, or disagree with the state in any way are given low social credit scores. If you have a low social credit score in China today, you are banned from certain things like for example buying a plane ticket, or enrolling at a school, or even buying food.

The CBDC will be rolled out slowly in phases and not be announced officially, much like smartphones were rolled out globally.

One man who explains the coming nightmare is a financial expert called George Gammon on YouTube, who can explain the new upcoming system better than we could ever hope to do. Please watch his video below.

Hunter Biden Gives Tips on Multitasking Skills Whilst Driving at 172 MPH

Kane Coe
-
0
Hunter Biden Gives Tips on Multitasking Skills Whilst Driving at 172 MPH

Hunter Biden, the darling of the FBI, who can get away with anything thanks to the sweetheart deals brokered by his father, has given tips to the MSNBC network on his multitasking skills as he regularly drives his Porsche at 172 MPH, smoking crack and is fellated by three working girls at the same time.

Suspected cocaine found in White House’s West Wing under investigation

“I was on the way to Vegas for another orgy, and I was coordinating with over a dozen girls on my cell phone whilst swerving insanely through traffic at 170-190 mph, taking hits off my crack pipe and getting blown by three girls at the same time.

hunter crack 172 mph

Time is money

“I want to talk about my multitasking skills, and how you too can manage many wonderful tasks at the same time.

“First thing you gotta do is light up your crack pipe. It’s the first and last thing I do in any day. Crack is great stuff, man, it can make you do superhuman things that no sober person can do. Sure, my teeth eventually rotted away, but I got new porcelain ones the next fuckin’ day.

“This won’t work with everyone but exceeding the speed limit is a privilege that I can do, and you can’t. Do you have connections like I do? Exactly. Shit, I can shoot people on a street right there, bam, dead, and get away with it. I am above the law. I don’t even have to pay frickin’ taxes for all the ill-gotten gains me and the Big Guy got, allegedly.

“Anyway, check this out folks, the cops stopped me and I puffed some crack smoke right in the officer’s eyes as he asked me how fast I was travelling. I just told him, do you know who my dad is? I could have you doing traffic citations in fuckin’ Alaska by next week. Well, he rolled his eyes and let me go. It’s great to be the son of a corrupt politician who has to answer to no one and can get away with any blatant crime they commit. In fact, it makes me get hard just at the thought of it, scuse me, I gotta take another hit. *schtoooom*

Multitasking skills

“There’s room for everyone in my Porsche, and the three ladies I had that day were on lollipop duty. Like you take one long toke of the pipe, and they take three licks of the other long pipe, you know what I’m saying? The trick is not to release too fast, you gotta let it all linger for as long as possible, the pleasure mounts, it escalates, then you take another sip of the crack pipe, and it propels the pleasure forward keeping you right on the edge of releasing your goodies all over their eager faces. Damn, if I relinquish, I gotta have a line-up of girls with their faces anticipating the reward for their dear service to the USA. You know like eager pets ready for their daily snack, kibbles and shit, and then boom, I give one hottie a taste, then move along the line, you know it’s a fuckin’ production line these gals are workin’ on. You gotta time it right, all of them gotta have their tongues outstretched too. You want eye contact as well, that actually doubles or triples the pleasure, and then ‘boom’ the force of it. I am god right there and then, I can fuckin’ do anything, I am untouchable, even the FBI, CIA, and DEA cannot touch me. I am a superstar at that moment, drink it up baby, lap it up, you’re my little doggy.

“But it’s not all highs, folks, when you put the pipe down, sure there are lows, but that’s life huh you can’t be high all the time. So, you have to manage those times when you don’t have a crack pipe in your mouth, or are dealing with some CCP affiliated company making dodgy deals by using your dad’s position in government. When I make illegal money and don’t pay tax, that in itself makes me high. The IRS will be told to stand down, because pops weaponised all these agencies for his own purposes. He uses these government agencies to harass and ruin the political opposition and to win elections. You will see how it works in 2024, just like that chump Trump is getting hammered by pops daily, while we get away with everything. It’s so beautiful, I just gotta little pre-juice drippin’ down. Open up baby, yes, lap up the head off that.

“Hope you all enjoyed my tips and tricks, folks? Remember next time you are bombing down the highway at 172 MPH smoking a shitload of crack and getting blown by three underage Russian ladies of the night, unless you are Hunter Biden, you ain’t gonna get away with it. S-o-o-r-ry…*schtooom*”

1...616263...722Page 62 of 722
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.