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Turkeys Celebrate After Bernard Matthews Death

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Bernard Matthews is well known in England for the massive warehouses full of turkeys piled high and processed for human consumption.

Some workers working in the warehouses claim that the turkeys sighed with relief as soon as Matthews passed away.

“We noticed that when we were processing the millions of turkeys last thursday, when Bernard died, there was suddenly a big sigh of relief from the turkeys in the warehouse. They all stopped gobbling and sighed. It’s as if they knew that the mass farmer had gone to the other side. Well, the poor blighters thought they had a pardon, but we started up the machines again and they continued to go through the mincer,” Mick Kief, a Bernard Matthews abattoir worker told Factory Farm Weekly.

Another worker at the turkey processing plant said: “Where Bernard’s going, I’m sure he’ll have a ‘Bootiful’ time. He can join all the millions of turkeys he’s sent through the shredder, maybe this time, they’ll give him the ‘boot’ eh?”

Basketball Player Who Elbowed Obama Identified

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The president had gone to nearby Fort McNair to indulge in one of his favorite athletic pursuits, a game of basketball, when he received the fateful injury from his long time rival.

It was a five-on-five contest involving family and friends, including Hillary Clinton, Obama’s Secretary of State.

Speaking from the sidelines, the White House’s internal sports trainer, Reggie Handles, told WKSD News: “She had him over a barrel. She was dribbling; cutting and faking like a bat out of hell. During the second quarter Hillary broke the penetration zone with a match-up zone defence, stuck out her lizard tongue then jab stepped him. Obama came in from the short corner, ball side, and tried to overload the zone. That’s when Hillary smacked Barack like a bitch with her bony elbow. He went down like a sack of potatoes.”

President Obama was later seen from a second floor White House window with an ice pack over his mouth.

In the 2008 presidential election, Hillary Clinton was pipped to the post by Barack Obama, thus losing out on becoming the first ever female president of the United States.

TSA Speed Dating Now Big Hit at U.S. Airports

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Check-in and security screening has never been so fun for single people looking to hook up with a nice ‘piece of ass’.

“They get us all into a room and then turn out the lights, then you hear machines whirring as the TSA screeners check to see the size of your genitals. Once that’s done, everyone has five minutes each with a TSA groper, and you have to make a decision if you like what they do to you or not before you go to your gate. Already we’ve had many hookups and this is getting real popular amongst the singles,” Alfie Newman, a TSA Speed Dating organiser told Groper magazine.

The TSA Speed Dating phenomenon has also made an impression outside of America, with many world travellers wanting to join in the groping fun and maybe enjoy themselves a bit after long international flights.

“It’s all a bit of fun. You go to check-in, then you hand over your luggage. I’m talking about getting my genitalia fondled by a complete stranger. It’s absolutely thrilling stuff,” Gerald Finklestein, 45, an accountant from Miami revealed.

The TSA is currently involved in making a website for the new TSA airport dating craze that has taken America by storm and made flying a much more pleasurable experience.

Sarah Palin to Run for Bulgarian Presidency

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When asked if she could defeat Barack Obama in a presidential run she said she believes she could. Sarah Palin is even thinking of flying into Bulgaria’s capital city, Sofia, to prove her point.

“I’m going to beat Barack at being president by going to Bulgaria and being president right there. I think it’s somewhere between Russia and North Korea, or is that South Korea? Anyway, just watch me beat Obama folks. I’m going to one up him for sure. Vote Team Grizzly for 2012!” Mrs Palin yelped during a photoshoot in her hometown of Wasilla.

One of her election campaigners, Ed Masters, told CBS news of how she has improved since the early days: “She’s gotten a lot better since those intensive geography lessons we put her through. Definitely, she’s going to give Obama a run for his money this time.”

The former vice-presidential candidate and governor of Alaska says she hasn’t made a formal decision yet if she’ll run in 2012 but it’s plain obvious to everyone that she’s going to.

How I Fell in Love With a TSA Screener

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One minute you might be in a long winding queue waiting to be screened to get on a plane to California, the next minute, you could be getting an intimate massage from a woman in uniform that frankly got my fires burning.

My name’s Mike Fritz. I lost my wife in 1978 in a shed fire in Wichita, it was April and since that fateful day I have not remarried. Oh yes, there have been instances in my 82 years when I have consorted with some fine ladies at my local geriatric theatre club, but never anything serious. That is until last Wednesday when I met Judy, the TSA woman screening me. She had to step in when the brutish thug in charge had to go to the restroom. I was so very glad about that.

She had auburn hair and these startling blue eyes that pierced my very soul and my groin. I could hear a knocking sound, so I looked down and they were my knees knocking with excitement. The moment she ordered me to unzip my pants, I felt a tinge of pleasure that I had not felt for a very, very long time.

You could cut the atmosphere with a chainsaw, I didn’t know what to say as her delicate gloved hands touched my old buddy. Those viagra pills I had popped in the morning started to suddenly kick in. The look of awe on her face told me she was finding this interesting as well.

Judy may be younger than my tender years but I say love is timeless. We’re now dating on a regular basis and next year we’re going on a safari trip to Kenya. Her TSA pals have vowed to give us special treatment when we go through then, much like members of Congress and other important people are.

Remember, that if you feel lonely and unwanted this holiday. Get a ticket somewhere, anywhere. You never know what could happen. Maybe cupid will shoot a backscatter X-ray machine at you and your luck could change like mine did.

TSA Checks for Prostate and Bowel Cancer

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“Now when you fly through an American airport, we can also give you prostate check for men and also bowel cancer checks. Women will get all cavities checked. This is also part of the new Obama Health Care initiative as well as security for a trouble free flight,” Roger Sanchez, TSA operations director, at Newark airport told CNN.

The TSA which has promoted the new positive medical check story to all media channels, will make sure the new rectal checks will be a key factor with flying Americans when it comes to Thanksgiving.

TSA One Stop Shop

“I’m flying from New York to Phoenix this Thanksgiving, so when I get my rectal check, at least I’ll be safe in the knowledge that I know what’s going on down there plus I won’t have to fork over seventy five bucks for my doctor to do the same thing,” Gerry Harkinson, 65, told CBS news.

“We see things here in the airport that even the most intimate doctor’s probe will scant see, so people should be happy that they’re getting checked in their butt holes,” a TSA official said on Monday before sticking his arm half way up an elderly gentleman’s bottom.

A passenger flying from Newark to Wisconsin said: “I just got my bunghole checked and it’s ok thank god. Now when I go to Thanksgiving and stuff my turkey, I’ll know how that thing feels.”

Obama’s Job is Done

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“He has done more damage to the USA than even Bush and that’s saying something. I have to say though, he’s achieved what he was put in place for, as was Bush. Obama’s job was to take America into the quagmire further and he has done a stellar job of it. One must realise that for the introduction of a true world government and new world order, America cannot exist in its present form. This is why it has to be broken up, so that the new world government can take full control. Of course, we have countries like Afghanistan, Iran which are still slightly out of the world order, but this is why we are conducting special operations within these countries to bring these rogue states under our control. As for America, a wasteful country like that can never be allowed to happen again, it must never be allowed to exist again. Obama has done a very good job for his masters and this is why we, his controllers, commend his wonderful work,” a Brussels politician told the Novus Ordo newspaper yesterday.

Obama’s attack on American civil liberties; increasing of troop numbers in war zones; health care reform; bogus stimulus drives and wasteful budget are all great ways of restricting America’s strength.

“Every day they spend trillions of dollars they don’t have and print more paper money knowing very well that this will contribute to America’s destruction as an economic force. There does not have to be a traditionally violent takeover, this will be a peaceful destruction with a pliant American people too busy playing with electronic gadgets and watching brain dead American entertainment programs to realise what is going on. Once the full extent of the destruction is discovered by the people, it will be too late. China and the UN will just walk in and takeover. Expect checkpoints, food shortages, and the slow whittling down of the population. The post-consumerist age dictates that technology has finally come to a stage where the consumer is not required to service the elite. Slavery will be mechanized therefore making the consumer redundant, an aged model that will be phased out and erased from history,” another EU official disclosed.

Soon, the storm troopers will be knocking on your door, instead of some poor defenceless Arab’s, to ransack your home and take away your guns. This is the reality of America’s future, where the fourth amendment and constitution will be trampled on, and consigned to the dustbin of history.

This is why Barack Hussein Obama and his handlers are doing what they are doing to the economy now. This is why Lehman Brothers were paid off and given a show grilling as a form of public theatre. This is why nutrients from human food are being systematically removed from the food chain and replaced by genetically modified material. This is why your travel is being restricted. This is why you will read this, then go back to your mundane Facebook page and forget about everything.

New ‘Call of Duty’ Is Most Realistic Version Yet

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“This is the most realistic game ever. I turned up at the enlistment office at 7am sharp. Then I had two enlisting agents tell me that this would be the best decision of my life. I would be able to see the world, have fun and shoot people. I just thought, hell, where do I sign up? The graphics for this game were so realistic as I signed on the dotted line. I had now signed away my soul, body and mind away to Uncle Sam. Next thing I know I was doing 50 pressups on the ground at revelry with a Sergeant shouting at me. I’m being shipped off to Afghanistan next week after basic training is over,” Andy Gomer Pyle, an ex-game software reviewer told the top industry magazine Plink.

All over America, kids are buying into the game by visiting an enlistment office in their area and joining ‘Call of Duty’.

“When it comes to graphics and in-game effects, this beats anything on the PS3 or X Box. I mean, one minute I was just a kid from an everyday suburb in Philly, the next I was shooting someone I never met before in the face because they wore a rag on their head. Man, it was like a dream come true,” Pfc Brad Kozlowski, who lost both legs, an arm, his testicles and an eyeball in an IED attack in Ocober told CBS.

Bush Still Receiving Orders From Cheney

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“As soon as Dubya wakes up in the morning, he checks his phone messages to see what he’s got to do that day. Dick will tell Dubya that he needs to get the lawn mowed and go play golf with Rummy at 3pm. Then he might tell him that he needs to get a book for the new library he’s opening. He needs to choose a book with pages in it and writings,” Laura Bush told women’s magazine, Home and the Heart.

Mr Bush still can’t get his head around the issue that he has to think for himself, some old Pentagon cronies disclosed.

“Yesterday we met for a coffee at Starbucks. Well, Dubya had to call Cheney to ask him which coffee to drink. Then he asked Cheney’s permission whether he could go to the restroom to shake George Junior for a whizz. I don’t know if he has to phone Dick when he’s in bed with Laura, but I can see that kind of thing happening? He might need advice on what to do,” Herb Straznik, a retired CIA torturer from Bush’s reign told Fox News.

Jobless Scrounger Hits Jackpot After Eight Year Wait

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“It’s like winning the lottery after digging for eight long years. I’ve struck gold, innit. Look at all the fakkin’ jewels, it’s fallin’ all over the place. Soon I’ll ‘ave a big bloomin’ crown on me bonce. I’ll be the pearly queen of Buckingham Palace,” the future Mrs Windsor Middleton told the Sun.

Looks like Ian Duncan Smith’s initiatives to get the workshy to do some work has finally paid off with Kate Middleton. Soon she’ll be working like a horse down a coal mine in the Windsor bed serving up some fine taxpayer funded sprogs for the new Windsor lineup.

All over Britain, there were celebrations at the wonderful news that Waity Katie had finally struck gold.

Doris Mableswith, 59, from Billingsgate Market said: “This is the ‘appiest day of my life. Wills has gone and got engaged to one of us now, a mere commoner. Soon they’ll be serving up bubble and squeak at the palace functions, how about some jellied eels? I’m so happy that the snooty Royals have finally come to our level.”

Kate Middleton, is set to be the real ‘people’s princess’ because of her lineage. Unlike the late princess Diana, who came from a pedigree bloodline, Kate seems to be from a much more colourful ancestral line.

Kate Middleton last night said a few words before being whisked away in a horse drawn carriage to Windsor castle: “I want to thank my mother, Carole, because if it wasn’t for her pushing so incessantly, I would not be in this lottery winning situation right now.”