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Wildlife Experts: "Elephants Are Shrinking"

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Elephants are getting smaller, wildlife experts have discovered.

Year on year, through the scientists’ analysis, they have seen a remarkable phenomenon occuring where the large mammals are reducing their size by over 5% per annum.

Within 30 years, scientists say that fully grown adult elephants around the world would be about 3 feet high, at the current rate of shrinkage.

“This is truly remarkable and quite worrying for the elephant community. If they eventually shrink to just above 3 foot height, there could be serious repercussions for the sustainability of the elephant population around the world. These elephants would be vulnerable to attack from predators like hyenas and even warthogs,” professor Giles Blandwidth, who is in charge of the research project in South Africa, told New Scientist magazine.

“We’re doing our best to find out why elephants are shrinking. It is a race against time before they get too tiny to find the solution to this momentous problem,” the professor added.

Mick Jagger: Rolling Stones Might Retire in 2025

“We’re considering retiring in 2025, or maybe before the next ice age descends on us,” Sir Mick told the Rolling Stone magazine interviewer, Arthur Voss.

It has been one hell of a trip for the best rock’n’roll band this world has ever seen.

Keith Richards, who revealed in his recent autobiography that he has fathered over 25,000 children since his career in the music biz began, bragged that he can still keep his “massive pecker up longer than Mick’s tiny todger.”

However, medical professionals who recently examined Keith Richards believe he is actually partially dead, and is somehow only functioning due to the huge amount of drugs he ingested over his career. After a series of tests were conducted on some tissue donated by Mr Richards to a lab in Switzerland in 2010, the researchers deduced that Keith’s body has effectively been mummified, and although barely alive, his leather-like skin still receives minimal blood supply. His organs however are relics of the second world war, and have been reduced to basic husks.

As for the rhythm guitarist, Ronnie Wood, if one was to put his liver in a jar it would resemble a soluble aspirin.

“I think it’s my 341’st nervous breakdown, and I’m willing to have many, many more,” a skeletal looking Ronnie Wood said at a recent charity event in Kensington.

And what of Charlie Watts, the quiet rocker and gentleman of the band?

According to reports, he is so old that he has to have liquid formaldehyde pumped through his veins everyday just to keep the flesh from rotting away.

“When we play concerts these days, we see vultures circling up above. And I have to say, I know for sure that good ol’ Lucifer is waiting for us down there too. You know, the guy who I signed on that piece of paper for all those years ago. Soon like R.J. he’ll want to take what is owed for eternity. I got to say though, I had some fun times here on earth. Here’s to 2025,” a jubilant Keith Richards said at a recent retrospective in Los Angeles.

You never know, scientists may soon find the cure for old age and the Rolling Stones can then tour for all of eternity.

Lawyers Only Ones Visiting Sharm el-Sheikh

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“Everyone else has left. The tourists have all gone home, some even leaving in coffins,” Abdul Mahmoudi, a hotelier from Sharm el-Sheikh’s premier resort, the Bedouin, told the BBC.

It’s not all bad news for the hoteliers, however, because now lawyers from all over the world are flocking to the Red Sea resort to snap up some cheap holiday deals that no one wants.

“The sharks are actually afraid of lawyers, so even though the surrounding coast is jumping with shark activity, the lawyers go skinny dipping without so much as a scratch,” Barney Fudder, a tourist fleeing the resort told the BBC on Tuesday.

Marine scientist, Jacques Limbard, told CNN: “After observing the lawyers swimming in the shark infested waters, we were astounded to see that the maneating vicious marine creatures with razor sharp teeth, simply swam on by as if nothing were there. It’s as if they could smell them from miles away and knew that these lawyers were one of their own. In fact, I’ve rarely seen sharks act so placidly even when they were clearly starving.”

Scatologists Applaud New Spoof Scat Christmas Play

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“A Very Merry Authorized Scatology Pageant” is a musical play designed for the holiday season, however, the play will not focus on Jesus Christ, but instead the story will be about N. Ron Hubbub, the founder of the church Of Scatology.

The story line follows N. Ron Hubbub through his life, his journey through the sewers of Los Angeles and search for faecal answers.

“It’s about N. Ron’s scat life. He loved shit, he would wallow in it, he would worship the mighty Klingon and he wrote a bible about it that millions of Scatologists are still following to this day,” said, Ray Mancuso, an actor that plays the role of Hubbub in the production.

The musical satire features characters of famous celebrity Scatologists like John Travolting, Tom Cruises and Kirstie Alleyway and most of the dialogue comes from the writings of Hubbub and church faecal literature.

“The opening scene involves a giant plastic turd being winched down onto the stage from the rafters as the cast beckon down the mighty Klingon which is stuck to a huge ass hair,” said, Tommy Merde, a spokesman for the American Stage Theater.

The theatre is located less than a block away from a Scatology scatwashing building, where Scatologists are daily inducted into the ways of the grand toilet of N. Ron Hubbub.

Officials with the theatre reached out to the church and received feedback from several Scatologists who visit the theatre.

“They basically said, that they absolutely adored the play and they urged all Scatologists worldwide to come and see the scat play in action,” said, Edwin Winnit, the director of the musical.

Two hundred and thirty productions of the musical are being produced around the country, but the American Stage Theatre production is the first to be produced in Florida. “We wanted to give something back to the Scatoogist community here in Florida, so we gave them this big loving turd,” Mr Winnit said.

The theatre is hoping this holiday scat musical will be a big shit in the bowl for everyone, Scatologists and non-Scatologists alike.

Prince Charles and Duchess Attend Performance of 'Children of Men'

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“This is just the beginning, a little taster of what is to come,” a protester told Sky news before smashing a fire extinguisher through Prince Charles’ car window.

The production of ‘Children of Men’ portrays the U.K. in the throes of civil war and complete civil unrest.

“We’re honoured to have the Prince come to our production. He braved the journey from the palace and his car actually drove through London’s streets. It is now no longer safe for MPs, celebrities, rich people or Royals to be seen to travel in public areas anymore,” an injured policeman said from his hospital bed.

As Prince Charles’ Roller rolled into Argyle street for a Royal Variety show he will never forget, a maelstrom of anti-establishmentarian hatred burst its unholy bubble onto the car smashing the windows and engulfing it with pure unadulterated hatred.

The future King, of what will be left of England, and his wife, had their Rolls Royce limousine nearly turned on its side as hundreds of angry protesters engulfed it shouting expletives and daubing it in paint.

“The funny thing is when the Prince walked out of the performance, he commented that there was not much difference between fiction and reality,” the director of the production, Robbie Baldrick, told the Times.

The Prince and Duchess were later airlifted out of the area by helicopter and taken back to the high security palace three miles away from the theatre.

Assange Extradited to U.S. on Espionage Charges For Not Wearing Condom

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“He didn’t wear a rubber during a honey trap operation so we need to extradite him on espionage charges to the U.S,” a United States prosecutor said on Wednesday.

Mr Assange who is pleading that he converted to Catholicism, and thus was not required to wear a condom, is vowing to fight the espionage charges vehemently.

His lawyer said: “My client did not wear a condom during sex with two females who were ‘allegedly’ set up by the Americans to trap Mr Assange. He recently converted to Catholicism so we’re trying to figure out what the frickin’ problem is? My guess is that the yanks are yanking our chain over this shit.”

For now, the WikiLeaks hero is being held against his will in a British prison and has been refused any form of bail.

Why Releasing Violent Criminals onto UK’s Streets Was Planned

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“There is this misconception that the government is there to protect the public, nothing can be further from the truth,” a prominent member of Whitehall disclosed on Tuesday.

Part of the Coalition’s cost cutting drive of reducing the prison population should also reduce the population as well.

“We’re going for a two tiered approach here. The violent criminals, thugs and rapists which we will release onto the streets after they commit their heinous crimes will also help reduce the population of Britain as well. We are already in a population explosion situation in the UK with the cities becoming increasingly overcrowded. By increasing public unrest, riots, murders and violence, the government saves money on pensions, the ailing NHS, welfare and prisons. It’s basically a win win situation for the government, because MPs will now be allowed to keep their expenses as well,” Ken Clarke told a Commons hearing on Monday.

The Justice Secretary also proposed that there should be a three strikes law for murderers: “Murder is a pretty bad thing, but these people are clogging up our prisons at a great cost to the government. This is why I propose that Britain’s murderers and violent killers be given three chances, then after their third murder or stabbing, they should be incarcerated for a maximum sentence of three months, then released again to commit more murder and mayhem.”

Mr Clarke was praised in Westminster when he presented the green paper that watered down a catalogue of punishments.

“I think what Ken has done is a remarkable achievement. His wonderful proposals will release a torrent of filth, scum and violence onto the already filthy, scum ridden streets. Therefore there will be more aggro, violence and brutality meted out onto the deserving public. I just can’t stop giggling at the thought of it all,” Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg said during the Commons meeting.

Sarah Palin's Weak Geography Could be Problem in Nuclear War

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“The thing is she don’t know her geography. If she tried to hit North Korea or Iran she might blow France up. We ain’t too fond of those snail eating surrender monkeys, but still it could be a problem. Say if she wants to nuke Yemen or Pakistan, what happens if she nukes Italy or Wisconsin? Shit, there’d be hell to pay then,” Rosco Bloomer, a military analyst for Lockheed told the Senate hearing.

Finger on the button

The U.S. hierarchy is already making preparations for Sarah Palin’s presidency when she wins the upcoming election in 2012.

“If we have a full scale nuclear war she needs to know her countries better. That’s why we’re getting her an atlas so she can put it on her desk and maybe sometimes look at it. You never know, she might learn something. I doubt it though. I seen more brains in an old shoe,” one of her campaign managers, Dwight Peabottom, said at a recent press conference.

2018 Russian World Cup Mascot Will be Vodka Bottle

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  The former Soviet bloc country which will be hosting the games in 2018 wants to promote Russian traditions to the rest of the world.

“Some of our stadiums may even be in the shape of vodka bottles and at half time, forget about oranges in the dressing room, in Russia we drink vodka. If you have half a bottle, you will be ready for the next half of the game,” Nikolai Illich Yebatsya, a Russian Football Federation official told Pravda news.

To be sober in Russia is a great shame, and Russian traditions dictate that one must be drunk before breakfast and just before bed. 

“In our beloved country, we drink a lot of vodka. It is our tradition. It doesn’t matter if you drive a bus, pilot a passenger plane or are in charge of a nuclear facility, even our famous cosmonauts are always drunk out of their f*cking minds. To be sober whilst doing your duty for Mother Russia is about drinking your vodka and getting plastered out of your brains. Ask the guy who was in charge of Chernobyl, or Boris Yeltsin when he nearly sent off those nukes,” Yuri Medvedevedev, a prominent member of the Russian mafia and parliament told Ukraine’s state news service.

U.S. Government: "WikiLeaks Endangering Lives"

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“WikiLeaks is endangering lives,” a Pentagon operative speaking to Fox news said before ordering more mass carpet bombing runs in Afghanistan.

America’s Shock and Awe tactics in Iraq and the mass murder of over 200,000 civilians during the illegal occupation of the country is proof that a website like WikiLeaks is endangering lives.

“WikiLeaks endangers lives because the truth is revealed and we all know we can’t have that,” General Putrified, told a CNN newscaster on Monday.

“The U.S. never endangered any lives, we just blew people away with bombs and missiles from miles away. If you use a drone or missile, you’re not endangering thousands of lives, it’s like a video game. I can blow an Afghan or Iraqi school full of kids sky high in the morning, then go to the cafeteria and have a hamburger. You see WikiLeaks is dangerous, we’re not. We’re installing democracy with all our guns, missiles, bombs and tanks,” a White House spokesman said.

 

George W. Bush’s war of perpetual terror has been neatly adopted by his successor, Barack Hussein Obama, who during his election campaign promised to stop the illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, only to renege on his promise and continue to endanger the world’s stability with even more war.