The ice cream industry has been astounded at new figures showing rocketing sales of ice cream across the whole of the UK.

“We’ve never seen anything like it. People are going out of their way to buy and eat copious amounts of ice cream. There are people literally freezing to death in the streets and in their icey homes but they’re still eating ice cream by the bucketload. Hey, we’re not complaining,” chief executive of Balls Ice cream company told the BBC.

The phenomenon has already claimed over twelve lives in the last week with people suffering from severe hypothermia, still eating ice cream and freezing to death.

“I can’t help it, even though it’s minus 22 degrees in my f*cking living room, I have to eat ice cream. I just have this irrisistable urge to have a vanilla chocolate chip praline surprise doused with chopped nuts and strawberry syrup,” Kate Horner, 23, a self-employed caterer from Nantwich, Cheshire, told the BBC shortly before freezing to death last Saturday.

Fulfilling a campaign promise, Obama said the law will strengthen national security and uphold the ideals that the country’s sailing men and women risk their lives to defend.
 
“No longer will our country be denied the service of thousands of patriotic Americans who are forced to leave the Navy – regardless of their skills, no matter their bravery or their zeal, no matter their years of exemplary performance – because they happen to be straight,” Obama said.

In the Navy

The new law ended the 170-year-old ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, which forced straight Navy members to hide their sexual orientation or face dismissal.

“It was real hard because if you didn’t join in with the gay orgies on deck or aft, they would immediately know you were not a real sailor boy,” John Rimmer, an ex-Navy recruit told Fox News.

While officials did not announce any timetable for the revamp, the process will probably take months as the Navy has to formulate new service guidelines.

The guidelines will also cover a host of questions, from how to educate sailors on how to treat straight members of the team, and how the Navy’s tradition of steaming gay saunas and submarine orgies would have to be toned down.

The carnage began at 6am this morning when Dean Batts, a BAA traffic controller, suddenly started spouting expletives and various insults at the pilots trying to take off and land from the icy runways.

“He told a pilot coming in from San Diego that if he didn’t land in his allotted time he would get a ‘f*cking ratchet’ and slam it up where the sun don’t shine. A Chinese pilot coming in from Beijing was called a ‘slanty eyed pr*ck’ and as for the Nigerian airlines staff, I can’t even begin to repeat what they heard. I’ve never heard so many ‘C words’ in one sentence,” Keith Barrow, senior air traffic controller for BAA told the Times.

The expletive ridden air traffic session lasted for all of twelve minutes before Mr Batts was wrestled to the ground and hauled away by airport security.

“This was the last thing we needed, it’s hairy enough out there with all the ice, snow and blizzards,” Mr Barrow said.

Thankfully no one was hurt and all the aircraft took off and landed safely on the icy runways.

“When I’m in combat I like to unload my magazine with style; to shoot my bullets at all those bad boys out there,” Corporal Andre Mincer, told Stars and Stripes magazine.

Already, the barracks where the fashion show will be held, has had a major makeover and a catwalk installed where all the gay U.S. military boys and girls will be up there strutting their stuff for five days of joyous military fashion styles.

“It don’t get better than this. Ever since the military and Obama administration pushed for a gayer U.S. military, we’ve seen a serious influx of new recruits. The gays are especially loving the shower sessions with all those big macho marines. Bending over to pick up the soap has never been so much frickin’ fun,” Corporal Mincer was quoted as saying.

The standard issue military uniform has been dubbed as ‘too boring’ by the marines and they are now pushing for stilettos and spandex for combat operations.

“If I’m gonna go out there to Iraq or Afghanistan, I want to look fierce in my uniform, you know, Haute Couture and fabulous sequins. I want to sashay in front of those big swingin’ Arab boys in their white cloth dresses. Ooh shoot me baby!” another Marine said just before dress rehearsals on Sunday.