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Home Blog Page 624

"Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!"

Business

January 25, 2011

Like rats from a sinking ship, top bankers and businesses are abandoning the UK as it slowly sinks into the debt-ridden mire caused partly by the useless Coalition government’s economic mistakes that will ensure we all go back to the stone age soon.

“Old Georgey Osborne, he just got back from Klosters and increased tax to such a rate that the destitute people are well and truly fucked. There’s no way out now but down the sink hole,” a businessman who dumped his business of 35 years to leave the UK said yesterday.

How about stimulating growth by decreasing tax, therefore increasing enterprise in the UK? Fat chance!

“Fuel duty and tax is now 85% of the price. Income tax is now so high that one has to work for six months of the year before you start making any money for yourself. The NHS is crumbling. VAT has risen to 20% on everything. Council Tax is increasing daily, and pensions will now be worthless as the FTSE 100 is set to sink into the mire like the GBP is doing right now. Food costs are now criminal, and if you’ve even got a job left, your salary won’t buy much anyway,” another businessman said before boarding another aeroplane out of Britain yesterday.

The mass exodus of enterprise, business, banking sector workers and non-doms will take its toll as even more inhibitive taxes are unveiled by the meddling Coalition government, who have shown themselves to be rank amateurs when it comes to economics.

Speaking at a Commons question time session yesterday, Chancellor George Osborne said: “I intend to stimulate growth in the UK economy by increasing taxation to such a level that the UK grinds to a complete halt and all the businesses leave our shattered economy and country permanently.”

Gordon Brown was shit but this is even worse. Wait till they start increasing the interest rates to try and curb inflation.

Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

Sci/Tech

Spadger Hendy

January 23, 2011

Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

Contrary to rumours circulating around the internet, this is not a hoax.

NASA confirmed on Friday that the two Hollywood producers, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, are close to completing the rocket ship that will propel them to a safe habitable planet prior to the upcoming apocalypse in 2012.

“They’re not taking chances here. They know for sure what the Mayans wrote about, and they got a bucket load of money and told us to build ’em a space ship. They’re also going to take a few rolls of film so they can still make movies from the new planet. If the earth is still there after the apocalypse, they plan to transmit the movies from their new planet so the few surviving people on earth can at least have some good entertainment. But we told ’em that there might not be electricity on earth after the apocalypse. They still want to make movies though, they’re so dedicated to their art,” the NASA spokesman, Ian Merrick, told CNN.

The Star Wars Voyager space rocket will take about 45 years to reach the new planet’s orbit. There will be no end of entertainment on board with spacious compartments where films will be shown, a games room with pool tables and retro arcade games will also grace the craft.

“We’re even going to have a swimming pool installed so that the producers and their families can enjoy themselves whilst hurtling towards the KV673 system,” an engineer working on the project divulged.

No one has explained, however, how the swimming pool will function in zero gravity conditions on board the luxury space rocket.

The space ship will also carry about 350 tonnes of gold bullion, only a fifth of what the two producers are worth.

“We’re taking some pocket change in case we have to barter with aliens or whatever is out there. I feel kind of short changed though because I’m leaving the majority of my fortune behind on the doomed earth, but when it’s your life or riches, I choose life,” Mr Spielberg joked at a recent screening session in Studio City.

Miliband Gets Some Balls

World

Spadger Hendy

January 22, 2011

He may have x-ray eyes and a death stare that makes Medusa look like a rank amateur but Ed Miliband, unfortunately, doesn’t have any balls. That is until now.

Luckily for Ed Miliband and dangerous Rottweiler Ed Balls, the former shadow chancellor, Alan Johnson, has been retired after his wife was discovered being interrogated by an errant policeman a little too intimately, regularly dipping his accoutrements deep into the politician’s Trouble and Strife — in fact, the randy constable porked the gasping woman within an inch of her life, sometimes three or four times a day.

“This is a very sorry state of affairs. Whilst poor old Johnson was trying to be a politician, his wife was being porked by a policeman, and now the poor sod has lost his job to Balls. What a load of swinging dangly bits that is. I feel for the poor chap,” a Tory politician said yesterday in the Commons, before bursting out in fits of guffawing laughter.

When Uncle Hu Visited Washington

World

Spadger Hendy

January 20, 2011

“There’s really nothing to see here, Uncle Hu was just visiting to say Hi and to see how the business he bought is doing? He also wanted to know how the Soviet integration in the U.S. was going. I showed him that the U.S. is working well for China and that Uncle Hu’s purchase was under control,” Barack Obama said at the White House Oval Room.

Since China purchased the U.S. last year at a very competitive price, China’s portfolio of acquisitions has increased remarkably.

Mr Hu said at a recent conference: “Not only have we purchased large swathes of Europe, but we now own most of America too. We made so much money manufacturing cheap plastic trinkets for you suckers that we don’t know what else to buy. Hey, maybe Australia might be next on the list, or how about those fathead Japanese who are in so much debt?”

After the photo call in the Oval Room, President Barack Obama was seen bowing so low to Uncle Hu that he practically kissed his shoes.

Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

World

Spadger Hendy

January 20, 2011

Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

Gordon Brown will warn today that the world faces economic and social turmoil of “epidemic proportions”, as he urges joint action by the G20 group of developed and developing nations to tackle rising joblessness, economic turmoil and disaster caused by his policies when he was Labour leader and Chancellor.

“The Gordon Brown Disaster”

During a speech in London, the former prime minister will call for all current world leaders to take the lead in trying to fix the massive global and national social economic disaster created by his tenure in government that is currently plaguing the world.

“It was because of my boom and bust policies, total wastage of resources, ridiculous spending sprees on tin-pot ideas and utter disregard for the general population or future generations, that we are in this utter mess right now. This is why I urge all current leaders to try and fix the total destruction the Labour party under my direction has created worldwide and internally in Britain,” Brown will say in the Ted Kennedy/John Harvard memorial lecture.

With some market analysts predicting that there is no hope left in the UK and it will edge closer to the precipice of total destruction soon, the former prime minister will say: “You guys fix it. It was my mess, but I got out, now you fuckers can fix it.”

Brown will add: “I claimed to have fixed the world’s economy over four times already when I was in mid destruction mode. Of course that was a big lie. Everyone’s in the shit and we don’t have any money. That’s because I spent it all and now it’s all bloody gone.”

Brown will also say that the G20 will have to make action on getting him another job.

“No one in their right mind would want to employ me ever again. Not after what I’ve done, but I’m sure I’ll soon be on the money circuit like that other pariah, Tony,” he will add.

Mr Brown is set to receive about £120 for his two hour speech, which is a far cry from the £75,000 Tony Blair commands per 45 minute speaking session to rich American businessmen.

Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

Entertainment

Spadger Hendy

January 18, 2011

Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

“We Americans adore Gervais since he’s moved here. Hell, we like him so much, we reckon he should present for the Oscars too. People think us narcissistic Hollywood types are stuck up our own arses with no sense of humour. He’s shown us the delights of British humour, and we’ve been eating it up with gusto,” Hollywood mogul, Dino Schwartz, told the LA Times.

Such is the aura of praise for Gervais, that many Hollywood stars gush over the mere mention of his name.

“Ricky Gervais? You mean the British guy? Well, I have to say, usually we don’t understand a frickin’ word he says anyway. It’s like some different kind of language. Americans also don’t understand intricate humour or subtlety either, so that’s why he had to be as blunt as he was tonight — he has to spell things out until we Yanks understand him,” one of the stars at the event explained.

Tom Cruise, who attended with his wife, was all praise for the comedian: “Just before I got here for the awards, I was in my walk-in closet pondering what tie I should put on, and I thought to myself, this is going to be one hell of an evening with that English guy, Gervais. I wanted to impress him with my Scatology cult styles, so I chose the one with the rainbow on it.”

Another Golden Globe attendee said: “Some people say that us Yanks don’t have much of a sense of humour. Well after tonight, that Limey bastard, Gervais, might just find his feet in a fuckin’ concrete block right before he takes a long walk off a short pier,” top Hollywood producer, Cohen Katzengoldberger, shouted angrily before speeding off in his Ferrari.

Unsocial Networking Sites Popular Now

Entertainment

Spadger Hendy

January 18, 2011

“This is f*cking great. I don’t have to mow someone’s farm or get a chicken egg to roost, join someone’s stupid group about terrorist barn owls, or talk to some asshole I used to know at school once,” Rastaf Mueller, 24, an unsocial networking enthusiast told Wired magazine.

The new unsocial networking sites actually celebrate how less your friend count is, which is obviously the exact opposite of social networking sites.

“I used to enjoy collecting so-called friends on social networking sites and at one point I had over 5,400 ‘friends’. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know one person on the site,” Mr Mueller said.

Unsocial networking sites like: Goawaystinkingturd.com, and Leavemealoneyousod.com, and Nomorezuckerburg.com are now all the rage.

“It’s like a breath of fresh unsocial air. I haven’t been asked to social game, download apps, friend people, have marketers trying to sell me stuff I don’t need, keep up with the Joneses or discuss inane mundane subjects that frankly bore me to tears,” Jane Horovitz, 20, another unsocial networking enthusiast revealed.

Daily Squib Tunisian Holiday Giveaway Competition

World

Spadger Hendy

January 17, 2011

Fed up of the daily grind of going back to work after the recent Christmas and New Year break?

The Daily Squib’s Tunisian Getaway promotion comes at the perfect time – just when people are getting back to the gruelling 9-5 hell that is work. Every day until Sunday 27th February, readers can get involved in this great promotion from the Daily Squib.

We will be giving away hundreds of sunny breaks where you can enjoy the solitude of baying mobs, gunfire and Molotov cocktails.

Competition winners will have a choice of three spectacular resorts to choose from:

The Ben Ali Resort – A luxurious Four Star resort set in the hills overlooking the capital city. Amenities include: Daily beatings in the tennis courts, dunking in the swimming pool and flame grilled roasts in the evening. Relax on a sun lounger as the tanks roll by and sip your Pina Colada whilst the riot police descend onto the pool terrace to beat the living shit out of the guests and anyone else who is in the way.

Ali Seriati Resort – Enjoy lavish torture facilities as you are interrogated for three weeks in this solitary confinement five star facility deep in the desert.

The Trabelsi – Once you enter this alluring four star holiday resort, you won’t ever want to leave, or be able to.

Just answer this simple question to win your free three week stay in any of the spectacular resorts:

The ‘Molotov Cocktail’ was named after which person?

a) Richard Nixon

b) Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Molotov

c) Gordon Brown

Send a stamp addressed envelope with your answer to: Daily Squib Tunisia Comp, P.O. Box 3214, TUNIS, Tunisia

London Taxi Cabs On Strike

World

Spadger Hendy

January 14, 2011

“Have you seen the price of hay lately?” Reggie Carbunkle, a taxi driver taking me to Mornington Crescent, tells me disparagingly.

London cabbies are furious at the increase of the price of hay for the horses that pull their taxis, and want the government to do something about it.

“We stopped using petrol years ago because of the price, now it’s the hay they’ve got to. What are we going to bloody do now? My poor nag at home hasn’t eaten for a whole week, and my horse too, poor blighter,” Reggie said before clip clopping off into the distance.

These are the signs of the times. London taxi cabs are now getting ready to strike because the cost of hay is so high and the horses are all going hungry.

Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

Entertainment

Spadger Hendy

January 14, 2011

Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

“The Pole to Pole series needed a big injection of life, and that’s when we got the idea to dump the old Python, who frankly bores me to tears, and replace him with Sarah Palin. On her first day on the job, she actually shot and wounded the keygrip whilst wearing a low-cut top exposing her wonderful cleavage and caused a controversy by calling a Russian man a ‘drunk commie bastard’,” Rupert Weasel, producer for the BBC show revealed.

The Pole to Pole series used to involve Michael Palin travelling across the world where he would delight in the different cultures, traditions and religions encountered in the many countries visited.

The new series, however, will involve Sarah Palin practically invading each “tin-pot” country, telling off the locals for not being Americans, and spitting out the local cuisine onto the floor whilst swearing viciously at the attending locals with her potty mouth. She will insult pretty much everyone and display her complete ignorance about any other culture apart from America.

Already, the new Sarah Palin ‘Pole to Pole’ BBC series has had vast interest from the US, and the series is to supercede anything Michael Palin has previously done.

“A lot of Americans have never even been out of their state let alone the country, so they have no interest in Michael Palin seeing the wonders of the world in diverse countries. This is why Sarah Palin’s version will be a breath of fresh air in an already stale format. She won’t even know the name or location of the country we drop her in,” Mr Weasel added.

Sarah Palin’s Pole to Pole series begins in July 2010, on BBC World