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Is the Oil Still Safe?

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“We fear for the oil. What if it gets torched? That beautiful black gold will be no more. This is why we’re prepared for military action right fuckin’ now,” the British PM David Cameron’s energy spokesman, Giles Fitzroy disclosed to the Daily Telegraph.

It’s not just the Brits who are smarting at the possible loss of oil, so are the Americans.

When Gaddafi starts torching his oil fields, then people are really going to wake up.

Barack Obama said on Sunday evening: “If we don’t invade those Libyans soon how the hell am I gonna take all those expensive Air Force One day trips for no particular reason? Oh my god, I gotta have my Air Force One trips, Michelle needs ’em too!”

Rescue Mission

There was no oil in Egypt or Tunisia so they were not up for military intervention, but Libya is a different matter.

“We’re prepared to defend the oil reserves that belong to us in that country. Maybe they have WMD? Gaddafi could launch an attack on the West in forty five minutes if we don’t attack soon, like right now. Send in the goddamn SAS, Marines, Seals and Halliburton!” John Schecter, a Pentagon official disclosed.

The US has already mobilised three navy destroyers off the Libyan coast, and even Britain, who doesn’t have much of a navy left after massive budget cuts, have deployed a small frigate with a few guns on it.

Hirst Shark Released Back into Wild

The pickled shark will be extracted from its tank of seclusion and finally released back into the sea from whence it originally came.

The spectacular release will be filmed for a Channel 4 retrospective program about the artist’s work.

“It’s the final journey for the shark. I will miss it as it swims gently into the horizon and sinks under the water forever. My studio has fitted a mechanical device into the shark which will make this seemingly impossible feat possible,” Mr Hirst said.

Bathers on the Blackpool seafront have already been warned by the coast guard that the shark will be swimming in the area and they should not be alarmed if they see it.

According to art world pundits, Charles Saatchi, who commissioned the piece in the first place, will be the one on the sea shore who will press the all important release button.

“When we release the shark, I will have a huge tear well up in my eyeball. It will run down my cheek and land on the rocks below me. I will be sad, yet relieved for the shark. It will go to a place where it will be away from the prying eyes of the crowds. It will finally be able to go home,” Mr Saatchi said.

There are also plans to release the Hirst cow that was sawn in half into a deserted field next year.

New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

“This one’s going to be it. The big kahuna, the toasted tuna, the..er..chatanooga,” Sheen said at a recent news conference in his jacuzzi at his Beverly Hills mansion.

The star was interviewed for CBS’ The Early Show on Wednesday and described the format for the new show.

“The character I play is on one drug only — me. Okay, I lied, he does coke, crack, meth and shitloads of booze, but that’s neither here nor there. Is that a blue balloon popping over at the tipatoe mansion? Blake’s got redness. I said get ’em out honey, yeah both of them,” Charlie then gestures at one of the assembled actresses, who goes under the water to perform fellatio upon his shrivelled member.

The CBS crew are allowed to walk around the Beverly Hills mansion to see for themselves how Sheen has recovered after his much publicised meltdown a week ago.

“Over here is the garden. Dambusters on the vine, squeak, and a lot of shebas. And over in that corner, is my pet olive, I try and feed her every morning but she stays on the tree, kinda looking sad. Do you ever remember when you were a kid, how you used to smell things and how it triggers those memories as an adult now? The guest house is at the end of the yard and we like to cook bagels there in the evenings. Did I tell you earthworms about the time when I dropped three to four seven-gram rocks and had to move past the quarter line with an apple digger? Yeah, it was awesome. Time to memorize! I’m bitchin’ and I got all the info about everything and everyone in the world, all at the same time, or was that last Tuesday. I’m winning, we’re winning and losing at the same time on many different levels of 911, September, when the planes crashed into the WTC. I was cooking hard boiled eggs, big ones, small ones and square ones,” Charlie Sheen tells the reporters at the top of his voice, before passing out on the lawn face down, twitching uncontrollably.

The first series of ‘One and Three Quarters Man’ will air next Wednesday night on the DBO Public Access Network.

New ITV Reality Show "I'm in Libya Get Me Out of Here" Massive Ratings Hit

For too long the ITV channel has been stagnating with no new shows of merit — that is until now.

“This new show has become a huge ratings hit with not only the British public but worldwide as well. It’s set in Libya and involves minor British celebrities being dropped in an area of Libya with little food, no compass and no weapons. If they can survive for three days while all hell is breaking loose around them, then they win the prize; which is an all-expenses-paid trip to Tunisia,” the shows creator, Al Hertyu, for Endemol productions, disclosed.

The first episode last night, got off to an excellent start when scumbag ex-politician, Lembik Opik was shot in the rear with an AK47 and the whole cast of Eastenders were whisked away by merceneries to an undisclosed jail where they will never be seen again.

ITV executives were rubbing their hands with delight as the ratings reached 42 million for the first episode alone.

“D-List celebrities are lining up to be included in the show. It’s the ultimate career boost for these people. They’ll do anything to be famous,” Mr Hertyu added.

So far, all 34 celebrities on the first show are unaccounted for and are presumed dead.

The next show will include Katie Price and Peter Andre as well as Alex Reid.

Who says the conflict in Libya is a bad thing?

Galliano Fashion Show in Israeli Kibbutz Could Be Cancelled

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“We had already arranged the show but were wondering why Galliano suddenly changed everything so that the models were dressed in Nazi gear resplendent with fabulous swastikas and SS uniforms,” Karl Gunther Schweinhund, one of the designer’s stage hands, told Israeli fashion magazine, Shalom Paris.

The fashion show is meant to commence in a few days but could be cancelled, Israeli officials at the kibbutz have said.

“We know this is fashion but since when has a model goose stepping around a stage wearing a Hitler moustache been in good taste? I’m all for couture but this is outrageous. It’s bad enough that the size zero models all look like concentration camp victims but when Galliano said that he wanted the models on the catwalk to throw raw pieces of bacon into the crowd, this is where we drew the line,” Chaim Bodenheimer, one of the organisers for the fashion show at the Ariel Sharon Kibbutz, 43 kms from Haifa, told Haaretz on Monday.

The Strokes Have Pacemakers Fitted After Stroke Scare

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“The Strokes are trying to get back after many years in the wilderness. They had been enjoying their royalties until all of a sudden it all dried up, so they’re back again to remind their fans that they still exist and to carry on buying their stuff so that they can carry on with their lifestyles,” Mr Banque revealed during an interview for NME.

The Strokes underwent crucial heart treatment after all four members suffered minor strokes when they were playing during a practice session in Manhattan.

Cocaine

“One minute they were playing and the next they were holding their heads and looking all lop sided. They went down like dominos, one after the other. At first I thought they got electrocuted. It’s safe to say that I then realised that The Strokes had all had strokes. It was something that really astounded me and strangely turned me on,” lead singer Julian’s girlfriend, Audrey Mumps, revealed.

As soon as The Strokes had their strokes, they were all rushed to New York’s premier hospital where they were treated immediately for their strokes.

“Don’t worry folks, The Strokes are going to carry on touring despite their strokes. Hey, they have to pay for their hospital bills somehow eh. No sign of that Obamacare any time soon huh. It’s enough to give you a stroke, innit,” their manager quipped.

Could Gaddafi Be Ozzy Osbourne’s Long Lost Brother?

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They’re both mad as hatters and like nothing better than to mumble, but is that where the similarity ends?

Observers of Colonel Gaddafi have been astounded at the stunning similarities to Brummie rock star Ozzy Osbourne.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Gaddafi up on the wall gesturing at some fake supporters in Green Square last week. I mean it could have been an Ozzy concert. I was half expecting the chords of Mr Crowley to start chiming in,” Melody Maker journalist, Schiet Bagg, reported in his weekly column.


Ozzy’s family and old friends from Birmingham say they remember a Libyan carpet salesman calling on the Osbournes about nine months before a child was born in 1942, who was then given up for adoption. Of course these are just rumours, but you never know.

Speaking from Los Angeles, Sharon Osbourne was eager to begin talks with the colonel: “We’ll have to do a few preliminary tests on him first. Like I’ll put a live bat in the room and see if the colonel manages to rip its head off with his dentures. I’m getting Ozzy to fly out to Tripoli next week, you never know, Gaddafi might also give us a few of his billions.”

 

Timid Brits Hypnotized as Middle East Revolutions Roll On

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“It’s because the British people have been conditioned very well to accept every indignity and horror without question. The form of mass hypnotism employed on the UK population ensures that they will never voice their displeasure at being fisted by Rip-Off-Britain prices foisted on them daily, or the Draconian laws prescribed upon their limited freedoms. You can tax a British person until they have to fork over 80% of their salary to the state, and they will nonchalantly recline and switch on the telly to watch Deal or No Deal. You can let in half of the population of Eastern Europe, Asia and Africa to take away much of the already limited resources, and only a few people voice their displeasure. Of course, this is a well trained form of apathy which we have implanted into their psyche. The mass brainwashing is complete, as the evidence of no uprisings in hundreds of years since 1642 has suggested,” Albert Rupert Speer, a government spin doctor working for David Cameron’s office told the Daily Telegraph on Saturday.

While many countries in the Middle East are in political and social turmoil and the people are fighting back against the oppressive machinery of slavery, here in Britain, no one is even batting an eyelid let alone striking up a protest at the various indignities meted out on the people on a daily basis.

“In the UK now we’re paying £6 ($9) per gallon of petrol. The cost of a small loaf of bread in some supermarkets is now £4.50. Go to any supermarket in the UK and you will soon realise the enormity of this situation as the prices will baffle you. And yet, no one gets angry. Not even a whimper, or a word of defiance. Are us Brits that yellow and cowardly that we let ourselves get fucked by the system every day and not say even one word or do anything about it? I guess we are,” Norman Titbit, a political commentator from Westminster said on Friday.

There seems to be some form of Pavlovian sado-masochistic battered wife syndrome embedded within the British psyche wherein they can be goaded on endlessly, tormented, robbed, swindled, and cheated without reproach.

Perhaps there is a link with the current malaise infecting the population and Britain’s Feudal past. Ingrained over centuries of subjugation is the happiness of serfdom, a quality that is obviously treasured by the robber Barons and controllers who laugh as they count the spoils of their conquest.

Don't Worry Middle East Peace Envoy Tony Blair On Way to Libya

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It certainly wasn’t those dodgy Libyan arms deals he made behind the British people’s backs, or what about Lord Mandy and the buffoon Gordon Brown who completed the shameful Megrahi oil deal much to the chagrin of the Lockerbie relatives?

Well have no fear. Tony Blair has just departed from luxuriating on one of the multi-million pound yachts owned by one of his special friends, to clean up the awful mess exasperated by those secret Faustian British arms for oil deals he personally officiated a few years ago.

“I am not only responsible for the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, but under my watch I sold most of these Libyans arms so that they could kill more of each other. As Peace Envoy to the Middle East, I can’t think of anything more peaceful. Firstly, because they kill themselves. Muslims killing other Muslims is a big bonus for us. The more that happens, the more peaceful it gets and we don’t have to do all the killing ourselves from 35,000 or so feet. Secondly, I got paid huge sums of money for what I did, so that is justification in itself. In fact, that point should be number one. I should get a frickin’ medal for all the crimes I committed in the name of the Britain. So all those moaners and do-gooders can shut the hell up,” Mr Blair said puffing on a huge cigar whilst reclining in the private jet plane headed towards Paris’ Charles De Gaulle airport, where he will spirited off to an all-expenses-paid five star hotel to conduct further Middle East Peace negotiations.

Fergie to Visit Obamas During Royal Wedding

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After being omitted from the royal wedding of the century, Barack Obama and Sarah Ferguson are determined to show that they too can have fun.

Speaking from the White House, U.S. President, Barack Hussein Obama said: “I got her an ipod and some DVDs as a present when she comes to visit. She said she’s not bringing a bust of Churchill so I’m happy as beans. We don’t need to be at Will and Kate’s wedding to have some fun, innit?”

The itinerary for the visit is set to include many high points and party games like pass the parcel around the Oval room.

“It’s a game the Duchess likes to play. Barack will pretend he’s a Sheik and he will distribute a brown envelope around the room filled with about $400,000. It’s up to whoever gets the wad of money to hide it from whoever’s pretending to be the News of the World reporters around the corner. The game culminates in some toe sucking and the Duchess pulling her hair out whilst simultaneously swigging from a bottle of Vodka,” a White House aide told the Washington Post.

Another game that will be played is ‘Avoid the Leper’ where someone has to pretend to be Sarah Ferguson and the rest of the crowd are the British royal family.

Sarah Ferguson and the Obama family will also take day trips on Air Force One costing millions of dollars to the taxpayer during the Duchess’ stay.

“Nothing new here folks. The Duchess of York likes nothing better than to spend copious amounts of other people’s money, no difference to the obamas as well eh,” another White House aide revealed.