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Home Blog Page 619

Man Makes Voice Call on Smartphone

Sci/Tech

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 30, 2011

“I used my smartphone to make a normal voice call, where I actually tapped in the phone number and then dialled the number. It was an incredible feeling as I did not need a single app or widget to do it. I did not watch any movies, play any games, listen to mp3s, organise my social life, email, look on a GPS map or order sushi. I just called, spoke for about three minutes, then disconnected the call. That was it,” Mr Weisgarden said from his student digs in Holborn.

This ‘voice call’ phenomenon is unheard of in the smartphone world, where some smartphones cannot even make voice calls at all.

“I’m not naming any names here, but I have a smartphone, and I can’t even get a reception on the bloody thing. It’s OK though because I have thousands of apps to play with so I’m happy,” another smartphone user revealed.

Some manufacturers are now even trying to develop dumbphones, where all the device will do is call other phones. This could revolutionise the phone market and dumbphones could pose a challenge to the increasing popularity of smartphones, industry insiders think.

Gaga Gives Birth to Speckled Hen’s Egg on Stage

Entertainment

March 29, 2011

Gaga Gives Birth to Speckled Hen’s Egg on Stage

Pop performer, Lady Gaga amazed audiences at a Spanish bar on Monday evening when she gave birth to a speckled hen’s egg on stage during a rendition of her new single, Eggy Guff Guff.

Big Bird

One of the spectators at Harry’s Bar and Dance, Laura Ginster, 43, located on the popular Avda Palma de Mallorca, recalled the amazing incident:

“She like flew over all the way from America for a concert here and was bangin’ away on one of her autotune tunes. When she bent over we thought we heard a fart, but no, it was her Lycra ripping. By ‘eck, she were giving birth right there on stage. I saw it with me own eyes, I tell you. Her eyeballs rolled back in the sockets and all we could see were the whites and she got into a trance state, like how I get just before I pick up my giro. Then this unholy sound came from her throat, like as if she were singin’ one of her records. I looked at me boyfriend, who I had just met three minutes ago, and we couldn’t believe it, the egg was comin’ out her bottom. Once the egg came out, we heard a puckering sound as her arse popped shut again, and the egg plopped onto the stage. It was a beautiful sight. What an artiste she is, the best talent I’ve ever seen since I saw that Jim Davidson down in Bodmin, innit.”

The Lady Gaga stunt has shocked the music world and MTV are even threatening to ban her videos from now on.

“After the egg was laid, one of her assistants ran onto the stage and rubbed the side of the egg with a feather duster and some polyunsaturated margarine. That’s when the egg hatched and a little chick emerged and started to chirp a Gaga song through a vocoder,” another audience member at the show revealed.

Eyewitness accounts at the show also reveal how Gaga then proceeded to lay eight more eggs from her posterior while she was playing the piano.

Some of the eggs that were secreted from Gaga’s anus were then broken on stage into a large frying pan and cooked by her personal chef to be shared around the stagehands and audience.

“I asked for my egg sunny side up. It was tasty beyond belief. I love my Gaga eggs,” Sam Tolleridge, 23, an audience member from Burnley, revealed to the Sun newspaper.

Gaga is also planning on opening her own hatchery in Illinois, USA, where she will sell her freshly laid eggs for $4,000 a piece.

EU to Ban Carbon Life Forms From Cities by 2050

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 29, 2011

EU to Ban Carbon Life Forms From Cities by 2050

The European Commission on Monday unveiled a “single European elite area” aimed at enforcing “a profound shift in population patterns for non-elite carbon life forms” by 2050.

The plan also envisages an end to carbon emissions from Britain to southern Europe with a target that over 95 per cent of all carbon life forms could be curbed.

Top of the EU’s list to cut climate change emissions is a target of “zero” for the number of non-essential citizens in the EU’s future cities.

Gerard Merde, the EU population control commissioner, insisted that Brussels directives and new taxation of carbon emitting life forms would be used to force ordinary non-elite citizens to expire faster or even be clinically terminated by new EU directives in the future.

“That means no more conventionally birthed humans in our brave new world city centres,” he said. “Action will follow, legislation, real action to change insidious illegal reproductive behaviour by the masses. If you are not an elite technocrat or part of the successful business financial hierarchy, you are not required to take up our oxygen and emit carbon dioxide. You are therefore, not required by law to exist.”

Mr Merde has not denied that the EU plan to cut carbon emissions by half over the next 20 years, before a total ban of carbon life forms in 2050, will limit population growth and increase Europe’s attractiveness to the elite.

“Our eco laws already accuse people of being guilty for merely existing. In the past, we encouraged population growth, especially during the industrial era and post war years, however, technology has now reached an optimum stage and the elite no longer have any use for the consumers and useless eaters. It is therefore an imperative, that in the interests of the elite ruling classes, the carbon emitting populations must be decommissioned and retired permanently. Then we can start to build the cities and eco-centres of the future populated solely by the elite and their mechanical slaves,” Mr Merde said.

Rupert Pumperjest, a spokesman for the EU’s Green Party said: “The EU has stipulated that the current human populations are redundant and not required anymore. To facilitate our master’s standard of life on this planet, I am willing to expire before my time because I am emitting too many carbon emissions and take up too many resources.”

No one has told the unelected EU technocrats and eco fascists that it does not matter what they do in Europe, because China, India, America and the rest of the world are pumping trillions of tonnes of gases into the atmosphere everyday irrespective of EU legislation. The Malthusian nightmare will continue until something is done about it.

Get Rich Quick Schemer Uses Own Get Rich Scheme to Get Rich

Business

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 28, 2011

Get Rich Quick Schemer Uses Own Get Rich Scheme to Get Rich

After many years conning thousands of people out of their money with his bogus get-rich-quick schemes, Mr Topper has decided to embark on something that is completely unheard of in the world of get-rich-quick scammers — honesty.

“I will make you rich sucker”

The internet is full of them, people who create bogus schemes claiming to make you untold riches quickly. Your inbox is probably overflowing with these things as the spammers and scammers all vie for your cash. But one man has decided to try and take an honest path, he doesn’t want to scam you anymore, he wants to actually try his own get-rich-quick scheme and even attempt to make money from it.

Seen the Light

“I was selling this scheme that has a totally ridiculous idea to it that only a stupid moron would fall for. I was making $2000 per day selling the idea on the internet and the suckers were eating it up, but now I want to actually use the scam scheme and try to make some dough with it. I want to be honest. I gave all the money I made previously selling the scam to charity,” Topper said from his sprawling Florida home.

Like millions of scams across the internet there is no hope in hell for Mr Topper, a former scammer, who is doomed to never make money from his scheme.

“The guy’s an idiot. He fell for his own scam. Now that’s rule number one for professional internet scammers, spammers and crooks. Don’t get high on your own supply. He should’ve known that before he tried to go clean,” Ari Earlstein, another Florida internet scammer told Scam Weekly magazine.

Update: Since Mr Topper tried to go straight and try his own get-rich-quick scheme to get rich, he has lost his house, fleet of luxury cars, girlfriends, wife and computer.

Red Ed Joins Insipid Lame March With No Purpose

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 26, 2011

Red Ed Joins Insipid Lame March With No Purpose

People should be angry with purpose and know what they want. In the case of the protesters ambling through the streets of London today, they have no vision, no purpose of what they should be fighting for or why. Is this a symptom of our jumbled times where there is no clear picture anymore, where black is sometimes white, where grey is sometimes black, or is there a simpler reason for this ineptitude?

The protesters put it quite simply. They do not want cuts, but they don’t say anything about where they are going to get the money to pay for services that will have to be cut. Taxing the rich even more will simply result in more wealthy people leaving Britain forever thus being counter productive to the economy. The hypocritical union officials are all on vast salaries as were the Labour politicians during their spendthrift reign. How about tax dodgers like the Guardian newspaper? I’m sure the protesters won’t want to admit that small piece of detail.

These protesters, headed by Ed Milliband and Ed Balls, also don’t seem to mention the fact that it was the Labour government that recklessly spent all of Britain’s cash. What about Gordon Brown selling off Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market when he was Chancellor? No mention of that, of course.

The media mistakenly dubs the violent protesters as ‘anarchists’, however, since when have anarchists wanted to have big government invading everything? These people ‘rioting’ effetely are not anarchists, they are pissed off socialists. Anarchists want government smashed up totally, not enlarged.

Naturally, what usually happens during these inane useless excursions to the centre of town is a gaggle of disenchanted socialists end up throwing a bit of paint around and maybe lob a few pebbles at a Topshop or bank.

In other words, it’s all very polite and British. You won’t get a real skirmish like Tahrir Square or a real angry Parisian anarchic explosion, just a little squabble here and there, then the kettling begins and sooner or later after a few hours, it’s all over and everyone gets to go home on the tube.

All in all a nice day out for the champagne socialists and other misguided ignorant idiots with no knowledge about what’s really going on, who caused this mess we’re in in the first place, and how we should get the f*ck out of this mess. Their lame protests mean nothing and gain nothing, they have no purpose with their mindless impotent attempts at creating change and are all simply flailing around in the dark like the deluded bewildered stooges that they really are.

Osborne 1p Off Fuel Duty Causes Motorists to Hold Street Parties

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 26, 2011

Osborne 1p Off Fuel Duty Causes Motorists to Hold Street Parties

“I’m so happy, instead of paying £120 to fill up my car, now I pay £116. This is such a relief I almost cried with joy,” Andy McFarther, 43, a supply teacher from Aberystwyth, Wales, told the Sun newspaper.

There was joy across the whole of Britain as the streets filled up with tables, decorations and revellers all whooping with delight.

Anne Dickinson from Bushygap in Northumberland said: “Thank you George Osborne, I can now drive my Datsun to the shop and back. This 1p off the 87% fuel tax rate has made an enormous difference.”

Motorists will now be only paying £6.50 per gallon, which is a great relief to many households in Britain.

“George Osborne wanted to give something back to the people, and with this 1p reduction, Britain’s economy will also be allowed to grow because this means that all vehicles will be able to travel for a few more yards at a cheaper cost,” Transport Minister, Roger Hole, told a Commons briefing yesterday.

Glow in the Dark Sushi Big Hit in New York

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 25, 2011

Glow in the Dark Sushi Big Hit in New York

New York sushi fans are flocking to Yokio’s Radioactive Sushi Emporium on 34th Street to sample the amazing sushi on display.

“We just got a delivery from Fukushita, Japan, three days ago and this sushi is potent stuff. It glows in the f*cking dark. We don’t actually have to put the lights on at night because the green glow from the sushi lights up the whole place like daylight,” owner, Jim Sayonara, told WKZ34 news on Friday.

When patrons dine at the restaurant there is also a distinct clicking sound as the gamma radiation seeps into everything.

Yokio’s radioactive sushi chef, Akiro Hondo, prepares glowing raw fish

“I tried to eat some sushi last night and it not only glowed in the dark but I think it also mutated in front of me by growing some legs and walking away. I’m not sh*tting you,” Perdee Asshoe, 23, from Brooklyn said from her hospital bed in Queens.

Another diner said: “Everyone was green with envy when I told them I got a reservation here. I ate so much glowing green sushi that I bet my poop’s going to be green tomorrow — that is if my butt hasn’t melted off my body.”

Andrew Sold Daughters to Pay Fergie Debts

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 24, 2011

Andrew Sold Daughters to Pay Fergie Debts

You all may be wondering why you haven’t seen princess Beatrice and Eugenie of late.

Well, that’s because they’ve both been sold off to billionaire sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

“He thought long and hard about the decision but was left with no choice. I think Andrew got twenty grand a piece for them. Yeah, so for both daughters he made forty grand which was used to pay off Fergie’s credit card bill for a single month,” Prince Andrew’s spokesman, Harold Jamon, told the BBC.

Even though the two girls are above fifteen years old and have officially left school, convicted paedo Epstein, was still interested in procuring the services of the princesses.

“They might still come in useful. He especially likes the wild eyed one. He said he wants to use her for hunting wild water voles in the Wisconsin countryside. Apparently, she can spot one of those critters from over 200 yards without the aid of binoculars; her eyes are so huge and stare with such intensity she is also used to scare away unwanted photographers and prosecutors. You don’t want to know what the other one has to do to please her new master,” Jamon revealed.

Now that Sarah Ferguson has had all her debts paid off, she can relax and rack up even more debts. Next time though, someone else might have to pay an even bigger price to pay off her reckless spending habits.

Midsomer Murders New Cast Pleases Equalities Minister

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 23, 2011

Midsomer Murders New Cast Pleases Equalities Minister

“I want to keep my job so I have agreed to make the series look more realistic to Britain’s real population. We’re bringing in some rickshaws from Karachi and there’ll even be a mosque in one of the episodes,” True-May said as he was having his shoes shined by a little black boy on set.

Equalities Minister for the Coalition government, Deirdre Cunnie, demanded that ITV1 change the format for the all-white show.

“Walk down any high street in England, and you’ll see what the previous Labour government created. A wonderful cess-pool of immigrants from poor Third World and former Soviet Bloc countries who wear odd clothes, cannot speak a word of English and who refuse to integrate. The Coalition wants to uphold Labour’s mantle. We don’t want programs on telly with English people in them speaking f*cking English! It makes me so angry to see programs like Midsomer Murders with Anglo-Saxons seen walking around the countryside thinking they are from England and living in England. That’s why, I, as equalities minister have ordered Midsomer Murders to murder all the whities and stick in some ethnics,” Ms Cunnie said at a parliamentary hearing last week.

The new cast of Midsomer Murders wait for the filming to commence

According to national statistics, the Labour government let in 23 million immigrants from some of the world’s poorest countries between 1997 and 2010, and the Equalities Ministry wants TV programs to reflect this mass influx on the indigenous British population.

BBC newscaster, Prindeep Maganallawa, said: “Well, one only has to look at all the BBC newscasters during the Labour era. We had a good innings that’s for sure, everyone was either from Punjab, Rajasthan or Uttar Pradesh. I’ve seen a few English newscasters of late but they’re taking our bloody work from us. You would’ve thought that this was their f*cking country.”

When Jesus Comes Back He's Going to Look Up Sarah Palin First

World

Frankel Von Schnitzel

March 21, 2011

When Jesus Comes Back He's Going to Look Up Sarah Palin First

“I didn’t know Jesus was Jewish until yesterday when one of my speechwriters said so. I always thought he was Amish or something,” Mrs Palin said as she was escorted to the Wailing Wall to offer some prayers.

The former vice president also added further words of wisdom to her hosts on this remarkable visit to Israel.

“Unlike the guy in the White House now, I’m pro Jewish so I’ll be expecting y’all to vote for me in 2012. That’s why I made this trip here to Israel. Look at this huge Star of David I’m wearing around my frickin’ neck. It don’t get more obvious than that. To tell y’all the truth, I don’t even know if Israel is next to France? Can we visit Paris next?”

Unfortunately for Palin, the two day visit did not include excursions to Nazareth, Bethlehem or Paris.

“I was told that’s where the animals are kept and we should stay away. No one told us that Bethlehem is where the Palestinians are imprisoned. When Jesus comes back, I’ll be president and he’ll want his birthplace cleaned out for good. Dang, I’ll make goddamn sure about that too, I might even lend him one of my rifles. Then I’ll visit when all the Muslims have been neutralized. You betcha!” Sarah Palin said before leaving for the next leg of her pre-election world tour.