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Neglected Celebrities Lining Up For Super-Injunctions

Law firms across the UK have seen a huge increase in super-injunctionisation, according to statements from the High Court.

“Many of the UK’s D-list celebs and whatnot are clamouring for a piece of the super-injunction pie. It’s like rocket fuel for your career, the public just loves the game of ‘Guess the Super-Injunction Celebrity’ it is irresistible to many. Some people are so caught by the bug that they’re willing to go to jail to name the star on the internet,” an entertainment industry lawyer from a London firm told the Evening Standard.

Many has-been or upcoming celebrities have to spend gruelling stints in jungles eating cockroaches and lizards, or endure days in a reality household with a bunch of other narcissistic arsehole celebs to gain a modicum of increased fame or a book deal. Why not just get a super-injunction? You will be propelled into the celebresphere of British tabloid stardom and internet viral heaven.

“Getting a super-injunction now is just a license to get your name plastered on every social networking site in the world. You just can’t buy publicity like that,” PR consultant, Eddie Maliss, for the FX3 company in London told the BBC.

Burglars to be Given Counselling

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“If you’ve just cleaned out a poor pensioners property, who fought in the Great War, of all its valuables and beaten the living bejesus  out of the defencelless OAP, of course you’re going to need counselling and an ear to listen to your stories. It’s only human nature. These poor burglars who are violating peoples homes and making huge profits by selling off the gear need community support and councilling as much as anybody. Naturally we ignore the victims, because they don’t count,” Jonathan Slimer, the government’s Criminal Rights executive told the Daily Telegraph.

Open season

Hundreds of burglars are now being let out of prison because of the Cameron government’s approach to crime and article 8 of the European Union’s Human Rights Act.

Speaking from Westminster on Thursday, conservo-socialist MP for Whittley Bay, Gordon Arsie, said: “These poor burglars are in pain, they have acquired stolen goods from a private home, then seen fit to sell the belongings. Naturally, these criminals should be compensated for their troubles.”

Cameron’s socialist policies are also being extended to rapists and other sexual deviants, who will be given an amnesty by being given a small fine and counselling for their troubles.

This new initiative spearheaded by Justice Secretary, Ken Clark, will ensure that the prisons will be safe from rapists and burglars, so that the streets of Britain can be full of them.

Serge Gainsbourg Tipped For Top IMF Job

“Forget about Christine Lagarde being the new head of the IMF. Who needs a woman to f*ck up the worlds economy even further than it already is? We’re backing Serge all the way. He has all the requirements for the job, and hotel chamber maids better beware. You’re under arrest, ’cause you’re the best,” Timothy Spalding, acting director for the IMF told a news conference on Friday.

Since Dominique Strauss-Kahn unceremoniously tended his resignation from jail, there has been intense speculation about the identity of the next IMF chief.

“We thought to ourselves. Who could even come close to Kahn? That’s when we did some digging and came up with Serge. He will be perfect for the IMF,” Mr Spalding told reporters.

Even though his appointment has not quite been announced, world markets surged higher just on the mere thought of Serge bringing his poetic charms to the world’s economy.

Daily Squib Backing Sarah Palin For President

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The Daily Squib is proudly backing Sarah Palin to become the first female president of the United States, just like we backed Barack Obama to be the first ever black president.

“We did it for Barack, supported him all the way, and now it is time for the Squib to endorse Mrs Palin. A woman who is an inspiration to everyone, a true American patriot,” Arnold Dweittlinger, the Daily Squib’s senior American correspondent said on Friday.

Palin will announce later on today that she is set to run for the US presidency in 2012, and now that she has the Daily Squib’s full backing, she is guaranteed to win.

“She’s got this one in the bag. Obama is finished because he pissed off the wrong people i.e. the Jews. She actually made an effort to visit Israel a few months ago, unlike Barack. She will be too hard to resist for American voters. A real woman who can sew a button and shoot a gun, someone who has a solid vision for America, no wishy-washy liberal spendthrift loser, she bristles with the taste of war, economic success and tax breaks that will please everyone. We love Sarah Palin, not just for her ‘hot momma’ looks but for her skill in giving speeches,” Ronnie Jedward, another of the Squib’s reporters in Washington reported.

For the last year or so, Mrs Palin has been under intense schooling and has been taught geography, governemental studies as well as etiquette when meeting world leaders.

One of her handlers, Robert McNamara, told CNN: “She knows where Tirana is as well as Paris on a map. It’s incredible, yesterday she listed all of the provinces in Southern Italy without even taking a look at an atlas.”

Plans are already underfoot for the first invasions once she gets into office much like George W Bush’s tenure, there will possibly have to be an initial catalyst to fuel the intense patriotism.

“We need someone with some f*cking balls, and unlike Barack Obama, Sarah has got plenty. Bush was a bumbling psychotic idiot, Obama is Carter part deux, and Sarah Palin is going to put the U.S. of A back on the motherf*cking map, and this time she’ll be able to point to it on an atlas too,” Mr McNamara added before being whisked away to oversee another Palin geography training session on Capitol Hill.

Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama AGAIN

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White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the President of the United States of America for a second term, after famously endorsing him in 2008.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard explained that they were gunning for the president to win a second term because of his efforts in getting Osama bin Laden and continuing the War of Terror.

This is the only time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has publicly supported an African American candidate for a second term presidency.

KKK lodges all over America have been gathering and holding rallies supporting Obama’s imminent presidential re-election in 2012.

Grand Turk Cletus Monroe has also been very vocal about the election and has donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund.

“Our boy’s gonna do it, not once, but twice. My Klan group has donated up to $450,000 to the Obama fund and we’re gunning for more.”

“He’s done us proud. He brought America change. Never thought I’d be saying that about a negro, but there you go.”

Placards for Barack Obama have been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK have announced a television ad campaign to support the African American candidate during the prolonged up-coming election campaign.

Rapture Followers Who Gave Away Life Savings Want Money Back

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“I want my money back,” Mr Bingham, 43, told a rival local Christian radio station.

Thousands of Rapture followers are now threatening to sue Jesus for not showing up when they believed he would turn up.

Some even sold all of their belongings and are still in home-made bunkers believing that the Rapture has actually occurred.

“Send more money”

“We got many families here in the Midwest who are still in their shelters and they think the Rapture has happened already. I guess, by now they must be trying to figure out why they aren’t floating around in the clouds hangin’ out with Jesus and the saints. We gots to break the news to them slowly that Jesus didn’t come back this time, but maybe he might come down next week, or even the week after that, some. They need to donate more hard cash so that Jesus can come down this time,” Earl Johnson, a pastor from Jonesville, Alabama reported.

Many Americans who were counting on the end of the world occurring on Saturday are bitterly disappointed that they were hoodwinked again by the evil pastors and confidence tricksters who have a knack in fooling the gullible, brainwashed congregations.

“They been doing the same thing for thousands of years. People need something to believe in, so these scumbags come along, invent a prophet, then fleece the congregation of idiots who follow blindly. It happens time and time again, and they still don’t learn. The devil is actually the one doing the work here, not ‘Jesus’. God does not write books, men do,” Alfie Newman, 74, a resident of Hicksville, Texas, where Jesus was supposed to land on Saturday, told CBS news.

Ryan Giggs to Sue the Internet

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The Manchester United player, who cannot read or write, and only discovered the existence of the internet last week, is now so angered he has been outed as the super-injunction footballer, that he wants the whole internet to be taken to court.

“Parliamentary Privilege”

His lawyer, speaking from Salford Crown Court said: “My client has instructed me by grunting and hand signals that he wants the whole internet to be taken to the High Court and every person who has seen his name on the internet to be arrested immediately and sued for £100,000 each. I tried to explain to my client that one cannot sue the internet, but he still wanted to go ahead, and he is paying me so much money that I can’t resist stringing him along for as long as I can carry on milking this glorious cash cow.”

“Shocked”

Mr Giggs’ wife, who has already forgiven her husband’s wallet, wants nothing to do with anymore sordid details about his indiscretions being brought to the fore.

Do footballers sleep around? Surely, the Pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods.

Send in Your Donations the End of the World is Nigh

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“We’re thankful for your donations to our bank accounts for Jesus. Now that the Rapture is coming today, y’all can rest assured that my Lamborghini Countach will be running on plenty of gas,” 89-year-old founder of the Rapture movement, Harold Camping told his followers.

The Rapture movement believe that Jesus is coming to earth today and that the fictional fairy tale character will bring on the Rapture. Unfortunately, Jesus could be delayed, and many of his disciples might be gravely disappointed.

“The Rapture will only happen in America because that’s where all the crazies reside. We only get the alien abductions here as well, so please send in your donations so we can get richer off your gullible asses,” a laughing pastor for Christian radio network Family Stations Inc told CBS news.

The Christian Radio Network is worth over $350 million and has raised $20 million in recent days anticipating the ‘Rapture’ to the devout Christian followers who plan on doing the same time next year as well.

Speaking from Tacoma, Washington, Earl Humbold, another pastor who is preaching about the second coming of Jesus, said: “We need everyone to donate all the money you have in your accounts to us so that Jesus can free you from your pain. Once you give us all your money, he will accept you into heaven. Amen.”

Mr Humbold who has a fleet of luxury cars and lives in a sprawling mansion, was last year indicted for the use of thousands of prostitutes and laundering large amounts of money to offshore accounts in the Bahamas where he also owns dozens of properties.

Jesus is set to arrive in Portland, Oregan at 6 pm PST.

1967 Borders: Israel Declares War on Obama

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“Obama is not getting re-elected, because he wants us to go back to the 1967 borders. I guess he did not reckon on the Jewish lobby in America for funding,” Ariel Shamon, a political commentator from Tel Aviv said on Israel Plus.

All over Israel and the Jewish world, there were declarations of war against the “imposter who dares to question Israel”.

Prime Minister Netanyahu also expressed his disappointment over the support of the Palestinians who have had their land systematically occupied for so long by Israel: “We didn’t like what Obama said about Israel when he first came in to office, and we don’t like what he is saying now that he is begging for re-election. He has got about as much chance of being re-elected now as a pork scratching being found in a synagogue. The guy is insane, doesn’t he know that we own the media, Hollywood as well as banking and big business? Obama, just because you just assassinated Osama does not mean you can speak up to the masters of the U.S. You stupid gentiles will never learn will you? Idiotic goyim, you will never learn until we take your toys away, besides, we think Obama is a dirty Muslim.”

Rupert Murdoch’s Fox news and News Corp. is already upping the scale on the Obama smear campaigns and he is guaranteed to lose the election now.

“Obama has a choice, take what he said back and be re-elected or increase his guard, because Mossad does not f*ck around. Hasn’t he ever watched ‘You Don’t Mess with the Zohan’? He better get extra security. In either case, that shegetz is not getting elected again,” Mr Shamon added.

Carla Bruni Pregnant Who’s the Father?

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“He has to be somewhere. We are searching thousands of male DNA records to try and locate the father. Carla is certainly not known for her chaste vestal ways, therefore in theory, the father of her child could be anyone in France,” Francois Hubert, a reporter for Le Figaro wrote on Tuesday.

Pregnancy rumours reached fever pitch on Monday after a lunchtime TV news anchor told the first lady: “I know you don’t like people talking about your private life, but I just want to say it wasn’t me. I’m not the father despite what happened.” The supermodel-turned-singer blushed, replying: “You slimy scumbag.”

There are even reports of Dominique Strausse-Kahn being implicated as he spent five minutes with Carla a number of months ago.

“All it takes is a few minutes with Gaston alone in a room with any female, especially one as beautiful as Carla, and you can imagine the fireworks going off,” another reporter quipped.