17.7 C
London
Sunday, October 27, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 613

George Osborne's Plan B

0

With the UK being soaked in heavy handed taxation that is effectively stifling and killing off all business, enterprise and employment, Mr Osborne has revealed his Plan B.

“I will have a lovely drink in my hand, the sea will be lapping around my feet as I relax and enjoy the sun on some tropical island far away from the baying crowds of suffering British taxpayers. That’s my Plan B and you’d better accept it,” Mr Osborne told a commons briefing yesterday.

Mr. Osborne plans to jet off on his Plan B some time next week, because he thinks that is when the effects of his Plan A will really kick in.

“My initial plan was to tax Britons so much that everything ground to a halt. Fuel tax is now 93% of the cost of petrol, income tax, VAT, council tax, bolstered with huge increases in food costs have made your lives a living hell. Don’t forget that I also want to increase interest rates soon so that your overflowing credit card bills and mortgages should soar into the stratosphere. That is when I will be doing my Plan B. Have fun fuckers. I’m sure you’ll all keep your stiff upper lips and eat it all up as usual. Oh, and don’t forget to pay £9,000 per annum for your university fees as well,” a jovial Osborne smirked before being driven off in his chauffeur driven Jag.

Could You be Killing the Planet One Breath at a Time?

0

Every time you breathe you kill the planet more, say proponents of Global Warming theory.

Jules Vernon, an eco scientist working on a major eco project for the Canadian government revealed: “In the last few minutes it has taken for you to read this article you have just helped kill the planet. Depending on how deep you’re breathing, your breath caused the emission of one to 70 grams of carbon into the atmosphere, contributing to global warming. The average human exhales approximately 900 grams of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere per day. With the population of the earth at about 6.6 billion, this makes up about 8% of carbon emmissions. However, it is the support structure for each human that is the real emissions killer, with vehicles, electricity grids, factory farming and transport being the major source of carbon pumped into the atmosphere.”

Death by eco

“As our ‘eco agenda’ is utilised to bring in new forms of taxation by governments, we want to make you feel bad for being alive, for merely existing. This is the Green agenda. Our elite bosses who fund our lavish lifestyles with research grants want us to keep banging on about how you people are not good for the planet. Please forget, that previously the same people who want all the cuts now, were the ones encouraging population growth and mass industrialisation. They were the ones who tore up the mountains and plundered the earth of its resources. These same hypocrites are now saying that they do not need the populations anymore or the carbon emissions, they do not need the brainless consumers to consume what they produce en masse. We are now in a post-consumerist age where the human cattle are redundant and will soon be disposed of maybe with an engineered attack on the food supply. You see, my dear friends, technology has increased to such a level thanks to your hard work over the centuries, that the elite do not need their servants anymore. You are too messy, too much to look after, and plain old smelly. Once we stabilise the planet by culling the herd, we can reclaim the planet again. You should therefore feel bloody guilty for merely existing, and our eco agenda will make damn sure that you humans are clinically erased so that the Greenland glaciers can get back to normal,” Frederic Grosser, a Green activist working for an unnamed organisation funded by the Canadian government told the CBC.

According to many eco-organisations, the real solution is for governments to impose measures like carbon taxes and emissions caps that make humans breathing or breeding less attractive financially.

“The planet is warming up because when the sun shines the rays hit the earth, plus climate change has been occurring for millions of years and is a natural part of our planet. We know that, but many people read all the scaremongering fear inducing headlines pumped out on an hourly basis by the controlled media and they start panicking. We are using this fear-mongering exercise to bring in our agenda of increased taxation. We need a price on carbon and on your human breath. It’s the only way to make people’s lives even more hellish,” Mr. Grosser said.

German Bombers Dropping Bean Sprouts Over London

1

Forget about V-1 doodlebugs, the new weapon of choice that is bringing fear and terror into the population is none other than the measly bean sprout.

Lieutenant Dan Harmondsworth, tells citizens to be vigilant: “We must fight them at the cliffs of Dover, we must fight them in our cities, and if they try and throw a few beansprouts in your wok, turf them out, because those pesky Jerries have put some rather nasty creatures in your grub.”

Keep Calm and Don’t Eat the Sprouts

According to reports from our radar stations on the coast, the Hun are sending over the bean sprouts with squadron’s of Heinkels.

“First they fly over the channel, then they get over Blighty, then they drop their payload of deadly bean sprouts all over the bloomin’ place. Remember to black out your windows and get to shelter if you can. Don’t run around with your mouth open because you could get a killer bean sprout in there which will cause you injury,” Reginald Braithwaite, 64, an air raid warden in East London told the Daily Mail.

Obama: "Hey, At least I Still Have My Job"

0

Speaking from the White House’s Rose garden, the president reassured Americans that everything was alright, with regards to employment.

“You all may be wondering when your next pay check is coming from, how you’re going to feed your kids, or if you can pay the mortgage next month? I want to reassure you all that as long as I have a job and am president of you, nothing else matters. This is why I want you to vote for a second term so I can continue my socialist dream on America. Soon you all might be as fucked up as Europe is and you all can thank me for that.”

The recent jobs report puts the American unemployment rate at 9.1% with only 54,000 new jobs created in May, of which half were for low paid McDonalds vacancies.

President Obama then went on to say: “Americans have a choice. You can flip burgers for $6 per hour or you can starve. It’s your choice. Anyway, I can’t be bothered with this, I’m off to play some more golf.”

The U.S. is faced with the prospect of its $14.34 trillion debt being compounded by heavy unemployment, three wars, China reducing its holdings in U.S.Treasury bills by 98% and a spendthrift socialist president who likes to play golf all day.

Grim Reaper Dies Before Keith Richards

“He was waiting for way too long for this Keith Richards fella to pass on but it just didn’t happen. It was only last week that Mr. Death caught a cold and it got worse. He just deteriorated, and sadly he passed away last night. He’s going to be sorely missed,” one of the angel of death’s friends, told Hell Weekly.

No one knows who is going to take over the role of the ten thousand year old entity, but there are suggestions that when Richards finally croaks, possibly in the next millennium or so, the legendary Rolling Stone himself could take over the role.

“Yeah sure, we need someone like Keith Richards. I’ve seen a picture of him and he looks like death already. I think he’ll fit into the position just right,” Satan told Rupert Murdoch’s Fox news network this morning.

Planking Craze Thwarted by Actors Hugh Grant and Kevin Costner

The planking craze taking the world by storm has ceased to exist because of two Hollywood actors who have hijacked the fad and completely trashed it, say planking followers.

Planking has been very popular for the past three months and involves people lying flat on a surface and being photographed, then the images spread via social networking sites around the world.

“It had to happen eventually. All it took was Hugh Grant and Kevin Costner to walk into a room full of plankers and they basically stole the show. You just can’t compete with that level of planking. I actually could not distinguish between Costner and Grant next to some wooden panelling on the wall let alone the plankers. God forbid if they go to the timber section of B&Q,” Al Hummer, a keen planker from Wood Green, North London told the BBC.

This is a sad day for plankers all over the world. Millions of plankers conducted a final plank-in on the internet, then called it a day.

EU Orders Greece Name Change

3

“From now on the former country of Greece will only be known as Sector 17,” Trichet explained to the EU parliament on Wednesday.

As well as losing its sovereign status, the former nation of Greece will also be owned by Germany (Sector 1) and will be used as a glorified holiday camp for its citizens.

“We use that place to go to when we need some sun and sea. It’s a pretty useless place otherwise,” Gunther Mathias, a German holidaymaker told the Berlin Times.

The unfortunate purchase by Germany (Sector 1) was the result of Sector 17 defaulting on its huge loans whilst juggling a 500 billion euro deficit. It now has a credit rating below Montenegro.

“We gave them the money. They didn’t pay. We own their country now. It’s really that simple,” an EU official told French (Sector 2) newspaper, Le Figaro, yesterday.

And what of the poor old former Greeks, who have effectively been emasculated?

“When the Germans come, we provide them with fresh towels, mezze and ouzo. If we do that, our masters look after us. We are their pets. It is lucky that they let us live,” Stavros Constantinos, a restaurant owner from Rhodes told the island’s local news station.

Arnie Likes ‘Ugly Chicks’

“The uglier they are, the more horny I get. Say if they look like matrons, Russian shot putters or female weightlifters, I just can’t help myself. I have to have them,” Schwarzenegger confessed to an American tabloid newspaper on Tuesday.

Schwarzenegger is so enamoured by ugly chicks that he wants to make a new film about his obsession and is touting a script around Hollywood.

“My wife, she’s ugly, but I wanted even more. I want to see warts with hairs growing out of them, female moustaches and shoulders that you can land an aircraft carrier on. Give me Barbara Bush’s hanging stringy teats and prune skin over any luscious, pert breasted nubile young floozy any day. If they have hunchbacks, shit, that turns me on so much it does not bear thinking about. You haven’t lived until you’ve dined at the altar of one of these chicks. Just make sure you pick the sweetcorn out of your teeth afterwards,” Mr Schwarzenegger said at a recent fundraising event in Studio City.

The former governor, who has fathered fourteen children with an assortment of Mexican maids and cleaners, is currently being divorced by his wife for $230 million.

Judge Gives Himself Gagging Order

0

The judge, who presides in the High Courts, decided two weeks ago to slap a gagging order on himself so that no one finds out about his ‘extra-curricular activites’.

“He’s very upset and he does not want anyone to know about the dungeons he frequents after court sessions,” a court source told the Sun newspaper.

Already on social networking sites like Twitter, there is a buzz about who the errant judge is.

“We need to take away this veil of secrecy with gagging orders. This judge may like to be gagged and whipped by a Madam in some Westminster dungeon, but what’s he doing putting an actual gagging order on it whilst actually being gagged? I’m outraged at the hypocrisy of it all,” Lib. Dem. MP for Whittingshaw, Bernard Jenks, told the BBC from a West London brothel.

Deadly Cucumbers Get Revenge on Humanity

 

“These are killer cucumbers. We cannot be complacent here. All it takes is a cucumber in a sandwich or a salad and you’re dead. They’ve got us on the run,” an EU food standards official told Bild newspaper in Germany.

Many have now succumbed to the killer cucumbers and are either still in hospital seriously ill or even worse — dead.

“I swear I heard one of the cucumbers I bought from the supermarket the other day sniggering as I took it out of the bag. Luckily I only ate a few slices of the sucker before I read a news story about all the people getting killed by cucumbers,” Helen Vorgens, a resident of Hamburg, Germany, where over 40 people have died from eating killer cucumbers.

EU officials are now warning citizens about tomatoes.

“Killer cucumbers are evil, but if you add a killer tomato into the mix, you get one fucked up salad,” Josef Rasslinger, the EU’s food minister told Reuters.