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Winehouse 'Sings' on Stage

The British singer was cheered at an open-air concert as she appeared to sing during the first performance of a two-week European tour.

Some 20,000 fans had gathered in Belgrade on Saturday to see Amy Winehouse sing a song on stage.

“I paid my monthly salary, 32 euros for this concert and I was astounded that she actually sang. I mean, who would have thought a singer actually singing on a stage could ever happen?” said Dimitri Slobodan, a 30-year old butcher who had travelled from the southern Serbian town of Jebo for the show.

The singer’s manager, Isaac Goldstein, said: “You people pay us large amounts of money so that Amy Winehouse sings on stage. Well, that’s what she does, she sings on stage. Now get lost while I count these huge piles of gorgeous cash.”

Iran to Send Monkey into Space

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 “The Kavoshgar-5 rocket will be launched in August with a capsule carrying Ahmadinejad to an altitude of 120 kilometres,” Hamid Bisho’ur, head of Iran’s Space Organisation told Iran state television.

“We will send the monkey into space but when the capsule comes down, we don’t know where it will land? Oh well, it’s no big loss,” Mr Bisho’ur added.

Iran, which first put a satellite into orbit in 2009, has outlined an ambitious space programme amid Western concerns.

“It’s pretty obvious that they’re trying to develop ballistic missiles for their nuclear program. By sending these poor monkeys into space, they’re not fooling anyone,” Donald Fenster, an International Security analyst in Washington told CNN.

Mr Ahmadinejad is currently preparing for lift off with special training sessions. The monkey will have plenty of supplies during the trip up in the capsule, including a full consignment of bananas and peanuts.

Greeks Told to Pay Tax

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“We have told the Greek population that maybe it is time to pay some tax,” a Greek official said outside the Greek parliament before being pelted with rocks and molotov cocktails.

The few honest Greeks who are paying tax are the ones being punished, because they have to foot the burden of the many who are not.

“In Greece, if you need healthcare, you have to pay cash. No credit cards, therefore, this is why you have some surgeons making 900,000 euros per year and not declaring tax. It is like this in all professions in Greece. Only the stupid pay tax,” Stelios Malaka, an eye surgeon in Thessaloniki told Greek state radio.

Another Greek citizen said: “Let the German taxpayers pay. It is our right not to pay tax.”

Greece is currently about to receive a second bailout from the EU and one of the conditions of the new bailout is that the Greek population pays tax.

The whole of Greece erupted in mass riots at the news that they might have to start paying tax from now on.

Those Sarah Palin Emails Again

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Mrs Palin has plans to win the 2012 presidential elections.

Alaska has released 24,199 printed pages of e-mails covering Mrs Palin’s first 21 months as governor – from 2006 until she accepted the vice-presidential nomination.

The release of the emails give an insight into the hard-working intelligent woman who is set to be the first ever female U.S. president.

Email excerpts

– From Palin to CERN scientist, Edward Monk on Aug 2, 2008.

“Monky, after our lengthy telephone conversation on Tuesday, I have to disagree with your initial theorem. Contrary to the initial findings, the volumes make a displacement of spacetime that exerts pressure on their surface. A “mass effect” appears, i.e. an effect having all characteristics of mass. The mass component [M] can be extracted from the spacetime pressure on the surface of the particle [M/LT²] by simple mathematical operations that I am sure even Bristol could do. Only closed volumes deform spacetime, and since “spacetime curvature ≡ mass” (*), only closed volumes get mass, are subject to a pressure that produces a “mass effect.”

– From Palin to press aide on Sep 15, 2008 on being told reporters were asking about her views on evolution.

“Arghhhh! Those Bible nuts who think the earth is 6,000 years old are onto me again. Speaking about evolution, we all know that an individual organism’s phenotype results from both its genotype and the influence from the environment it has lived in. A substantial part of the variation in phenotypes in a population is caused by the differences between their genotypes. The modern evolutionary synthesis defines evolution as the change over time in this genetic variation. The frequency of one particular allele will become more or less prevalent relative to other forms of that gene. Variation disappears when a new allele reaches the point of fixation — when it either disappears from the population or replaces the ancestral allele entirely. I hope all these idiot bible bashers realise that evolution is purely biological and that the bible was written by men on pieces of f*cking paper and not God.”

– From Geographical Society professor, Julian Mannion to Palin, Sep 11, 2008.

“Thank you ever so much for your new discovery yesterday. We have indeed found new settlement sites in Tchibanga, Gabon. We will integrate your tireless geographical work into our current research papers.”

– From Palin to aide Jimmy McManamon, Sept 15, 2008, about a super computer she had installed in her residence.

“The old one was only running at 30 teraflops, after much work on the cluster, we have successfully increased it to 75 teraflops. Yes, we paid for it ourselves…”

Government Takes U-Turn into Cul-De-Sac

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With the people revolting, the economy tanking and the government dithering, is there any hope for the UK?

“The coalition government took a U-turn on all new policies last week, and they plan to take even more U-turns this week. In effect, the U-turns amount to going around in a circle. I guess we’re all stuck in a cul-de-sac as they keep on U-turning,” Jason Amberwich, a political commentator from Westminster told the Telegraph.

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, however, is someone who does not take U-turns.

“He’s the only part of the government that is steadfast and continuing with his plan. He is increasing taxation by the second on everyone and everything. You just don’t get anyone else in the government who is as determined as this chap to keep on increasing taxation to levels beyond anything this country has ever seen. Now that is what I call determination in destroying all business, the economy and any hope of ever getting out of this godawful f*cking mess,” colonel Adam Saunders, a retired serviceman from Anglesey told the Daily Mail.

Apple iCloud Starts Raining

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“This new Apple iCloud is looking pretty heavy. If it starts raining, we could all get soaked and drenched with all of your user data,” Steve Jobs told an auditorium full of journalists and geeks.

People are so excited about the new Apple iCloud, that they have even started to gather around the Apple offices in Cupertino, California, trying to spot a few iClouds.

“I’ve been here all day and haven’t seen a single iCloud,” Al Hinkum, a software engineer from San Francisco, told Wired magazine.

The era of the Personal Computer, however, is over, and now is the time for an introduction into the hive cloud mind of the future, where everyone will be connected, monitored, enticed and ultimately controlled via a central neural network.

“We’ve got people used to the ‘personal computer’ where they kept their little thoughts and files on a hard disk. That was the introduction. Now, we want you to get rid of the hard disk, instead, put it in the cloud. That is the next step. Then after this transition, we will introduce the special chip, which will be implanted into your brain. Intel and many other tech companies have already been developing this brain microchip implant, and when it is introduced, you will all find it irresistible because we will utilise ‘entertainment’ and ‘sex’ to entice you into it. We already know a lot about you from social surveillance websites like Facebook, but we want a lot more. Just think, you won’t need cumbersome computer screens, TVs or so-called smart phones, the chip will be your passport to the future of the new hive human race,” Edwin Scheister, an analyst for the Research Institute of Northern California told CNN.

U.S. Flash Mob Robbery Trend Set to Cross Atlantic

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Flash mob robberies, also dubbed as ‘flash robs’ are so frequent in America now that no one even bats an eyelid when they happen.

A flash mob robbery occurs when a group of teenagers bundle into a shop or business, then clean the shelves of goods and promptly walk out. Because of the numbers of people involved, there is nothing anyone can do unless they want to get severely injured or killed.

Nothing’s shocking

“The fear is that if it takes off in the UK, no one is allowed guns to protect themselves. If they’re scared to use firearms in America against the flash robbery mobs, what do you think will happen over here? What are you going to do, go up to the mob and ask them nicely to put the beer cans down? You must be kidding mate. Plus the unarmed British police won’t bother turning up either, they’re actually more scared than the public when it comes to flash mob robberies,” a worried shopkeeper from Shepherds Bush, West London told the BBC.

Crime experts think that flash mob robberies can take off in the UK mainly because of the severe disenchantment of the youth, especially in deprived areas of the country (99% of the UK) where hopelessness and despair are rife.

Britain’s lax laws will also ensure that if in the very unlikely event that any flash mob robbers are ever caught, they would receive the lightest sentence possible, if any punishment at all.

“What about that ‘big society’ Cameron’s banging on about? I tell you what, the only big thing he’s going to get is a big f*cking surprise when he looks on the telly and sees all the chavs, hoodies and gangster scallies mobbing the shops. Now that’s what I call a big society,” recently made redundant policeman, Gerald Belter, told the Sun newspaper.

Bedouins Seen in East Anglia

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“It’s like Namibia here. We’re now importing camels into the deserted dusty fields, the sun beats down on our heads all day long as we search for water. I’ve heard there is an oasis three days walk from here. We’re going to set off tomorrow morning, but we’re down to our last canteen of water,” Rupert Monkfrith, an ex-swimming instructor from Norwich told the East Anglia Gazette.

All across East Anglia from Norfolk to Cambridge, sand dunes have now formed over the once green pastures.

“As a former farmer I’m learning to adapt. I now herd goats and use camels to traverse the great desert. We pitch our tents when we find some water and a bit of grass, then we move on to the next bit. I’m even considering changing my name to Zayed bin Sultan Al Ajman,” Giles Billingswinkle, told the BBC.

Palace Aides Shocked After Kate Middleton Brings Jellied Eel Dish to Palace

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The delicacy enjoyed by millions of poor Londoners first gained popularity in the 17th century and involves chopping up eels, boiling them in a spicy stock resulting in a jellied fishy meal with a delightful taste.

“They’re a delicacy to many Londoners and used to be a staple diet of the poor of the city who would fish the eels out of the sewage infested waters of the Thames. Nowadays the Thames is a lot cleaner than when the raw poo juice was daily pumped into the river from the city sewers. I am sure Kate meant well and she probably thought she was bringing in some top nosh to add to the palace cuisine. Shame it does not quite go with the escalopines de bar à l’émincé d’artichaut, nage réduite, caviar osciètre gold and the corolle de noix de Saint-Jqcques et brocoli à la truffe blanche d’Alba,” Roger Framlingham-Smythe, a culinary expert reported in the Daily Mail on Tuesday.

Party Pieces

The newly Duchessed Kate brought the bucket of jellied eels into the main dining room in the palace just before the function introducing her to the royal household got underway.

Dignitaries that attended were obliged to try the jellied eel dish although some were said to be none too keen to even smell the fishy surprise.

“The American ambassador actually vomited when he ate a chewy eel chunk. Luckily there was the bucket Kate Middleton brought with her right there and he chundered straight into it, some of the vomit even exiting through his flared nostrils. Well, naturally, that set everyone else off including Harry and Wills who had just downed about twelve pints of lager each. Let’s just say the smell of jellied eels mixed with vomit permeated throughout the palace corridors,” one of the attendees to the little soiree recalled.

Facebook Wants Every User Fingerprinted

“This is really great. I’m going to give over my fingerprints to them willingly just like I have already given them all the other information about my life,” Ronnie Sheeple, 25, a student from Southern California told CBS news.

George Orwell would have been shocked at the brazen attitude that Facebook is flouting its surveillance on people who join its all-knowing Big Brother database.

“We know everything else about you so why not give us your f*cking fingerprints as well? You’ve got nothing left to lose,” Arnold Kotera, Senior Surveillance officer for Facebook told Techwire Magazine.

The company has acquired an immense database chronicling the lives and habits of millions of trusting people.

“It’s just too easy. In the old days we used to have a hard time getting information about people. Now we have so much information, we don’t know what to do with it all. And these suckers still keep forking over every bit of their personal information without realising what is going on,” CIA analyst, Joe Wilderberger, revealed to CNN.