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Money Talks Strauss-Kahn Walks

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“Dominique says that he wants to celebrate by having an anal sex orgy with eight prostitutes tonight. I said it’s ok as long as they clean up the mess afterwards,” Strauss-Kahn’s wife, Anne Sinclair told the New York Times just after his court hearing yesterday.

Meanwhile in France, someone, namely Sarkozy, has been quaking in his boots at the mere thought of Strauss-Kahn coming back and threatening his role as president.

“Nicolas is not only worried for the French premiership, but also his wife, Carla. All it takes is five minutes in a room alone with Gaston and she will be begging for more. Which is something that never happens with willie winkie Sarko,” a political commentator in Paris told Le Figaro.

Massive Public Sector Strike Just Like Any Other Day in Britain

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It was touted as being the strike of the century. Instead, the massive strike made no difference as no one really noticed any difference in the working practices of the 100,000 civil servants and teachers when they were absent from their gold-plated taxpayer funded jobs.

“Instead of getting £56,000 per annum for my pension when I retire at 45, I will instead be getting only £50,000 on my gold-plated taxpayer funded pension. This is a bloody disgrace. On top of my four month paid holidays every few months and salary of £75,000 per annum I don’t know how I can possibly cope?” Julian Bunion, a recently qualified woodwork teacher from a South London comprehensive school told the BBC.

Union officials who languish on £200,000 salary minimums, free holidays and large gold-plated pensions, were yesterday lunching at London’s top eateries whilst their members were marching through central London.

One of the union officials, Bob Vulture, leader of the RMT union, was lunching at Claridges and said: “Here I am sitting in this capitalist swine pit dining on the finest gourmet cuisine. You know what the bill is? £785 quid. You, the taxpayer just paid for my meal which I will shit out into toilet bowl later on today. This is socialism at work dear taxpayers, just think you’re paying for me to live a life of luxury off your backs. This is my gift to you lousy proles who pay my huge salary and limitless expense account. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with all the cash, and neither do all our members who receive huge amounts of it every month. It certainly ain’t the private sector. Socialism, stroke communism, is so great, innit?”

Kabul Surrenders as Americans Evacuated

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The President, Hamid Karzai, who has been in office since the beginning of the occupation, made the announcement in a radio broadcast to the nation early this morning. He asked his forces to lay down their arms and called on the North Taliban Army and Mujaheddin to halt all hostilities.

In a direct appeal to the Taliban forces, he said: “We are here to hand over to you the power in order to avoid bloodshed. But, as long as I get airlifted out, who cares. Thank you Obama for ordering the surrender.”

The announcement was followed swiftly by the arrival of Taliban fighters. Their entrance was virtually unopposed, confounding predictions of a bloody and protracted last-ditch battle for the city.

War ends

The front line of scooters smashed through the gates of the presidential palace within minutes, and at 1130 local time (0330 GMT), decades of war came to an end.

Taliban troops, many barefoot and some no more than teenagers, rounded up government soldiers, and raised their red and blue flags. The looting which has ravaged the city over the last 24 hours stopped, and power was restored later in the day. Only the United States embassy remained closed and silent, ransacked by looters.

Kabul was immediately renamed Taliban City. A statement by the Provisional Taliban Government, or PTG, in Pakistan, promised a policy of non-alignment, and the peaceful reunification of Afghanistan .

The British government is now urgently reviewing the possibility of recognising the PTG. France has already recognised the new regime, and other Western countries are preparing to follow suit.

Frenzied evacuation

The capitulation of the Vichy Afghan government came just four hours after the last frenzied evacuation of Americans from the city.

President Obama, who has requested humanitarian aid for the Afghans , let it be known that he was proud to have saved what Afghans he could in the last, frantic helicopter evacuation.

But there is said to be deep humiliation in the United States government at the desperation and chaos of the final hours of America’s presence in Afghanistan.

The President ordered United States ships to remain indefinitely off the Afghan coast to pick up refugees: but even this gesture has been snubbed by the Taliban, who have prevented any more refugees from fleeing.

Johann Hari Coming to Work For Daily Squib

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“Someone with Hari’s excellent skill for ‘writing’ stories will be greatly treasured in the halls and writing rooms of the Squib. In fact, we’ve got him pride of place in the golden cubicle, resplendent with a cushioned lavatory seat and a flush that makes a very satisfying sound indeed,” Armitage Shanks, chief sub sub editor of the Daily Squib said.

The former Independent journalist was gracious in his acceptance speech yesterday: “Thank you dear friends. When I was last in Dubai researching a story, I thought to myself, there has to be a higher place than merely making stuff up for the Independent. Why not really graduate and reach the pinnacle of journalistic licence. And then it hit me in the f*cking eye like a bolt of electricity, I had to get away from the Independent and forge my way into the real world, diving headlong into the meat, sewage and potatoes of journalism. Well, here I am, and I have already seen the midget room, and the hanging room. My toilet chair is marvellous where I will do the writing from. Thank you dear Squib friends for accepting me and I shall swear allegiance to write as much flapdoodle bollocks as I possibly can.”

Expect to see more Hari bollocks in the Squib soon, and we’re not talking about Anne Widdecombe either.

Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin to Have Bikini Fight to Settle Leadership Contest

Jonties Bar and Grill in downtown Piedmont, Alabama will be the venue for the Tea Party Bikini Fight that is touted as settling the score once and for all between these two ladies fighting for the GOP leadership in the 2012 elections.

“You know you’re onto something when Democrat Bill Clinton books a ringside ticket to a Republican GOP Bikini Bitch Fight. Luckily for him, Hillary will be out of town again and he just has to fly down here to see them beautiful gals getting down and dirty. This fight will be the decider on who will win the ultimate prize — the presidency,” Ronnie Kidd, a Fox news anchor, who will be covering the fight revealed.

“We’re considering doing a pay-per-view on the fight but we’ll have to see,” Jimmy Oberman, a Fox news executive said.

Tea Party member, Ed Selznik, 45, said: “If I see those two wrestling in their bikinis in the mud and sand, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold off. That’s why I plan on choking the chicken before I even get to the venue. It’s just going to be too hot to bear otherwise.”

The GOP Bikini Fight will be held on the 15 July and broadcast live on the Republican parties personal broadcasting channel, Fox News .

Dam Busters Dog Renamed ‘Wigger’ and to be Sprayed White

The producers of the film have been racking their brains on what to call the dog which was originally named after the Latin word for ‘black’.

“We did not know what to do. Obviously, we had to change his name because it is not an appropriate word to use these days,” Charles DeMenzies, one of the senior producers for the project told Empire magazine.

Stephen Fry, who wrote the screenplay, said: “I was tweeting to my 20 million fans the other night and I thought to myself, how about spraying the dog white and then calling it ‘wigger’? It was an astonishingly spondalicious idea, I might say, so I got one of my many portable gizmo gadget things out of the drawer and tweeted, facebooked, faxed my idea immediately. We’re even thinking of putting those ghastly gold chains on the mutt and playing eminem raps whenever he’s on screen. I reckon I’ll get a BAFTA for this.”

The American financiers of the film ordered the change of name for the dog as well as replacing all the British crew of the Dam Busters with American actors enacting a purely American theme.

Michelle Obama Meets Her Long Lost Uncle

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“Michelle had just got off the plane from South Africa when he came over to her and he introduced himself. It was a real surprise to Michelle and she tried to act delighted to meet her uncle for the first time. Michelle and her whole entourage were extremely embarrassed by the show, and after she waved her hand at some people they took the poor chap away,” one of the Botswanan journalists present reported in the Botswana Guardian.

Michelle Obama’s uncle was then hastily hurried away by officials overseeing the Obama trip and his whole family who came to the airport as well, were delivered by coach to their village on the outskirts of Gaborone.

The First Lady is currently on an African trip which is estimated to cost the U.S. taxpayer over $45 million for the two week sojourn.

TSA Plans Screening Americans in their Homes

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“This is just the next step in our special TSA pre-crime initiative where everyone will be screened before they even embark on any type of journey. We’ve heard bad things about you folks who are not even travelling or avoiding public places just because you don’t want your groin groped or an internal body search. Well, we have news for you, we’ll be knocking on your doors at home to bodysearch you there as well,” TSA head, John Lacerta Pistole, told the Washington Observer.

The new TSA rules will require the whole population including new born babies and severely handicapped people to be searched in their homes.

Freedom

Refusing entry to the TSA search party could result in the search denier being detained indefinitely and moved under duress to a secret holding area.

“Remember, the next knock on your home’s door could be from a group of TSA officials waiting with gloved hands to search your orifices and your families holes too. You must grant entry for these officials into your property so that they can violate your bodies with impunity. Once they have searched your bodies, you will be required to put your clothes back on and let the officials leave. You must be calm at all times and any form of agitation, anger or abuse towards our trained TSA goons will result in either tasering or forced detention. Please be aware that we will also be confiscating weapons in all American households, so leave your guns by the door and we’ll take those as well as your daughter’s virginity,” Kevin Pedoslime, a TSA spokesman announced on all U.S. TV channels yesterday.

New Jackass 4D Movie Way Too Realistic Say Audience

“I thought the car was coming straight for me, it was so realistic I had to duck out of the f*cking way,” a cinema patron told Hollywood Week.

Sponsored by a bourbon whiskey company from somewhere down south, the new Jackass 4D Reality film’s North American release has wowed audiences from Alabama to Saskatchewan.

The film’s producer, Avidor Nagelberger said: “This time we went so far that some of our cast members and audience got splatted for real. Don’t try these stunts at home kids or you too could end up like a well done steak. Oh, and remember folks, don’t drink and drive, because we don’t care if you kill yourself, its the innocent people you take with you that is the real tragedy. That’s your lesson in morality for today, you know how all American films have to have some moral treatise at the end of every movie, well, that’s our message to you guys, so go home tonight and drive safe folks.”

The Jackass 4D Reality film will be released in the UK in November 2011.

Greece Needs Yearly Bailouts

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Speaking on Saturday, Mr. Venizelos, said: “We will expect a bailout every year for as long as it takes. As Greece has no industry or technological commerce, we rely solely on olive oil and tourism, which brings in barely enough money into the economy to pay for sundry items. The mediocre industry, accompanied with mass tax avoidance, nepotism, early retirement, and widespread corruption will ensure that the EU countries will have to pay for our country forever. We expect at least 150 billion euros per annum just to service our debts and keep us barely above water. If you refuse to pay us, we’ll take you all under with us. Those are your options.”

Greece’s perpetual bailouts will ensure that the EU will get a prompt bill every year around the month of June.

“It’s the same old cycle. Every year after May, there are sudden news reports of Greek and EU officials denying that there is anything wrong. Then the riots start. That’s when the euro, world stock market and general sentiment drop at an accelerated rate. Then you get the same old murmurs, and the EU is forced to come in with a substantial amount of dough just to prop up the black cash hole. Once the can is kicked further down the road, repeat and rinse every year. Simple(s),” a fed up German taxpayer told the Berlin Times.