News International, which also publishes The Sun, The Times and The Sunday Times, said that thousands of its staff would be under identity protection programs costing the taxpayer millions of pounds per annum.

Rebekah Brooks, CEO of NI has already had her head shaved and undergone major plastic surgery so that no one recognises her, as has Rupert Murdoch and his son.

“They will all be given new identities and new disguises so they can lead new lives away from the extreme scandal and shame of their previous incarnations as slimey scumbag eavesdroppers. Mr Murdoch, who has lost everything including his Philipino mail order bride, is now living in a tower block in Lambeth, oops I just gave his location away,” Detective constable Brown Payperbag, of the Witness Protection program told the BBC.

Rupert Murdoch who touched down in the UK earlier on in the day is in town to oversee the massive corruption scandal that has embroiled his British newspapers.

Traffic police were said to have stopped the 80-year-old tycoon driving his Ford Escort at 50 mph in Wapping, which is close to the News of the World offices.

“Our officers made a routine traffic stop on an elderly gentleman who was reading a newspaper whilst attempting to drive at the same time. The fact that he was driving on the pavement and had mowed down a Guardian journalist is neither her nor there. Suffice to say, the brown envelope Mr Murdoch gave me after the incident was sufficient cause for me to caution said driver and tell him to be on his way. This time, the driver put the newspaper down on the empty passenger seat, reversed back over the Guardian journalist, then continued forward over the deceased journalist to his destination,” a police spokeswoman told the Times newspaper.

Rebekah’s Law will ensure that anyone who wants to know if they live within a 10-mile radius of a News Corp. journalist can consult a special database.

The Home Office pilot is being extended to eight more forces in England next year.

There are fears however among police forces in England and Wales that Rebekah’s Law could encourage vigilantes to seek revenge against News of the World, Sun and Times journalists or anything else owned by the Murdochs.

“It is a very real danger that there could be some real hacking going on. We’re talking about machete and axe type hacking, not the kind that the News Corp. journalists are party to,” Chief Constable Tommy Dowler of the Association of Chief Police Officers said.

“We remain concerned about the risk of vigilante action and News International journalists going underground. All new local schemes need close management and proper resourcing to avoid this,” a concerned citizen told the BBC yesterday.

But Chief Constable Dowler said people would not need to share the information as police would inform any affected party.

The CEO of News International, Rebekah Brooks, is increasingly under pressure from the media and public as well as members of parliament to go but she is holding on valiantly.

As millions of incriminating email documents were systematically deleted detailing widespread corruption with mass payments to police officers in the Met, News of the World staff were scrambling to shred as much evidence as they possibly can before the rozzers arrive.

“The reason that Murdoch is holding on to Rebekah’s job is if she were to go, she might blab. That’s the only reason Rupert would dump a 187-year-old institution instead of her. She’s got the names that go all the way up to Murdoch and his weasel son. If she gets pushed under, then Murdoch could be in the dock, and there’s no way that will ever happen. Everyone knows that Murdoch has ties with corrupt police officers and the criminal underworld. It’s just that he is putting her in front as a human shield, although she’s not human, more like Medusa, if you ask me,” a Fleet Street contact revealed in the Guardian today.

He was once the scourge of Swedish England football managers and spendthrift ex-Duchesses everywhere, but now the man responsible for thousands of soiled celebrity underpants is living a life of poverty in a two bed council flat in Tower Hamlets.

New Deal

“I was the fake sheikh. They used to wheel me around in a silver Roller. I only stayed at top hotels in Park Lane. Now look at me. I’m a man destroyed all because that arsehole Murdoch wanted to save the ginge minge witch Rebekah Wade. Well, I get my benefit payments on a Tuesday, by Wednesday my kids have used it all up. We’re thinking of going back to Saudi Arabia, at least there we can have a good shake at getting back up to speed. Might even get hired again as a fake sheikh for a tabloid there. I can’t do anything else you see, fake sheikh-ing is my business.”

The ex-Duchess of York who was caught in a sting trying to extort £500,000 from the fake sheikh last year was glad of his demise: “I’ve been avoiding sheikhs ever since that sting where I was filmed doing the dirty. Now it’s going to be back to business as usual. My bank balance just heaved a huge sigh of relief. Access to Andrew is now open folks, so for a cool half mill, you too could get to have a chat with him and he can arrange some special business dealings with you. I’ve just gone on another massive spending spree at the mere thought of it.”

Business As Usual

As the Murdochs now plan to extend the Sun to a seven day week, the 168-year-old News of the World will be a distant memory and the BSkyB deal should be back in play.

You never know, the fake shiekh might even find his way to the Sun. Looks like nothing will change, just the name of the paper.

“We’ll be using the same offices, the same people, the same corrupt cops, and the same underhand tactics as before. It’s just that this time we’ll be extra careful in not getting caught,” Rebekah Brooks told her reporters at a News International committee meeting and memo yesterday.

“Oh no, it wasn’t me, I don’t know anything about what’s going on,” News International’s boss, Rebekah Wade/Brooks told the paper in an internal memo yesterday.

The funny thing is, chief honcho, Rupert Murdoch, also does not know anything either.

“Coming from a cold-blooded reptile like Rupert, you know that he ‘allegedly’ knows everything and has the last say of everything. This is how he does business. He has to know every minute detail of every f*cking thing that goes on. His deputy, Rebekah, has to know everything as well. Does anyone in their right mind believe that these scumbags did not question where the secret information was coming from? They are extremely angry that they have been caught this time,” a News International employee revealed yesterday evening after having his phone hacked and broadcast all over the media.

There are secret plans to shut down the paper completely this coming Sunday, Murdoch hopes this will deflect any criticism directed towards the hierarchy at News International and secure the hugely lucrative BSkyB deal.

Prime minister, David Cameron was equally indignant about his employer: “I am truly disgusted at what has happened with regards to the phone tapping of abducted and murdered teenage girls, war veterans families and 7/7 victims families by the News of the World. This is a despicable and heinous crime, but hey, Rupert got me into power in the first place, so I’m going to have to gloss over this one I’m afraid. Forget that first bit for a start. No one knows anything. BSkyB anyone?”

There are rumours that clean-up man, Max Clifford, has also been ordered onto the scene.

“If there’s a dirty job to clean up, they always use Max. No one can get lower than that scum bag leech. A man with absolutely no morals whatsoever who would parade a cancer stricken terminally ill low IQ celebrity through a media circus just so that he could get a fat cheque at the end of it,” Giles Manning, a PR executive from London firm, X-Seven, told Campaign magazine.