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U.S. Gotta Boehner For Default

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“Obama has a serious problem. He’s got a Boehner in his back telling him how to do his job and meddling with his debt addictions. Some people like to take Viagra to get a Boehner, Obama likes to pass on that and go for the default,” Nancy Pelosi, former house speaker told the Washington Times.

Aldridge Dimebag, a Wall Street economist tried to explain the situation on Bloomberg today: “America is a few days away from defaulting and creating a massive full scale economic crash because right-wing nutters are meddling with the frickin’ debt-ceiling, or something like that. I just think the proverbial is gonna hit the fan if something is not done before the Asian markets open on Sunday.”

Every day, the parallels between the 1930s and 2011/12 are getting increasingly similar.

“2008 was like the 20s Wall Street crash, what we’re going to have now is possibly something akin to the 1930s crash. Not sure about the war situation, but that could escalate too. It’s going to be the last fight for the world’s dwindling resources. The players? Well, China, Russia and the U.S, of course,” a geo-political global analyst told Newsweek magazine.

No one knows where president Barack Obama is at the moment, but he better get his shit together some time soon or we’re all going to get it.

Winehouse Record Company Execs to Make Huge Profits

“Our profit projections will exceed all expectations when we release Amy’s album next week. I just put out a purchase order for a new Aston Martin,” Herb Suge, chief A&R man at Island records told Billbored magazine.

It is well known within the music industry that artists’ untimely deaths are a huge opportunity to capitalise on their demise by increasing sales of albums and merchandise.

 “Back to Black” reached No. 2 on the Billboard 200 in March 2008, almost a year after it debuted, spending 78 total weeks on the chart. It has sold 2.3 million to-date, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Record executives think that they can shift millions more units after Winehouse’s death.

“It happened with Michael Jackson, he sold more albums in death than when he was alive. In fact, him living was a hindrance to record sales. Same thing with Winehouse, as a piece of software, she was troublesome whilst still alive. It is common knowledge that record companies actively encourage artists to ingest as much drugs and booze as possible. The more, the better, because it is great for sales, especially when these products finally get to their intended destination,” Earl Jenkem, CEO of Anus Records, distributor for Winehouse’s music in the US, said from his Hollywood mansion.

Robert Peston, a musicologist for Phonogram said: “People keep saying that Amy Winehouse was a genius or slightly talented. I beg to differ, you see, the people have been conditioned to accept mediocre sub-standard pap for so long that they got accustomed to it. The old adage comes to mind, feed people enough shit and that’s all they know. I would not call some dead cat wailing as genius. I call Django Reinhardt and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart – genius. The word ‘genius’ is used too much these days, because people have lost the bar, as it is lowered lower and lower every year. This person will not be remembered in ten years time. Real geniuses are remembered for eternity. It was just crappy mediocre r&b trash sung by a little Jewish girl with a drug problem, nothing more, nothing less. So please, stop using the ‘genius’ adjectives to describe something it ain’t.”

The music biz is not known for its kindness to artists while alive, record companies make huge profits off their workhorses until they have had all of their life force spent, then the artist’s repertoire is the sole property of the record company, making for an even more lucrative eternal pay day for the companies and publishers.

Western World Shocked That Terror Atrocity Not Muslim

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The Western media was scrambling to change their headlines as it transpired that the latest terrorist atrocity was committed by a Christian right-wing fundamentalist.

Drudge headlines screamed that it was a Muslim atrocity, as did all the other American mainstream news outlets, especially Fox just after it was initially reported.

“It’s got to be the Muslims. We need another round of hatred against them, it has been cooling off as of late. America has made Muslims the new Jews and we need to carry on with the campaign to destroy them. Oh, how I miss Georgie,” a foaming at the mouth Bill O’Reilly said on his Fox news show.

People all across the world are still in major shock that such an atrocity could be committed by a Christian.

“Well we only murder people from 30,000 feet using unmanned drones and cruise missiles. That’s safe and clinical. What this chap has done is way too personal. It’s not becoming of the removed way we commit mass murder in those countries where the darkies live,” Anthea Brunscombe, from Hampshire, England told the BBC.

George W. Bush, who now lives in a Texas convalescent home for retired war criminals, said: “I just got off the hotline to Dick and I ordered an attack on Sweden. We must stop these terrorists. Remember, either you’re with us or with the terrorists. Sweden and Norway, I think they’re somewhere in Yurp I heard. Uh, I need my meds. They have nuc-u-lear WMD’s and yella cake, or was it poundcake?”

The reporter had to tentatively tell the former president that he was not in office anymore and was met with a bemused look from Mr Bush.

Cameron Wants Happy Britain

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“You may look over there and see a grey council estate with cctv cameras everywhere, chavs and hoodies hanging around vandalising everything and beating people up, but if you put these special government issue rose-tinted glasses on, all of that is gone. It’s a bloody miracle. I’m so happy now. I’ve got a job, I can pay my bills and am even able to heat my home in the winter,” Roz Blanchard, 47, an unemployed woman from Lambeth told the BBC.

The new government initiative from Whitehall will issue every person in Britain with the special rose-tinted glasses as well as a pack of happy pills so that people will be happy and not realise they are being shafted by insane levels of tax, no jobs, hugely expensive food, petrol and overcrowded cities laden with millions of illegal immigrants, Eastern European gangsters, chavs and hoodies.

“I’m much happier now. I take my Soma and I put my rose-tinted glasses on and relax. I don’t see what I used to see. Life is much easier now because I don’t know or care about what’s happening around me. In fact, I want to know who you are and what you’re doing interviewing me?” Cecil Dinklewaithe, 65, from North Yorkshire said whilst being interviewed on Sky news.

Some Whitehall officials even suggested frontal lobotomies for the majority of the population but the idea was eventually dumped after concerns it would be a huge burden on the already strained NHS.

Speaking from Whitehall, a faceless civil servant said: “If the general population were all given lobotomies, people would be a lot happier because they wouldn’t actually know who they were, or anything else. I think that would be a marvellous idea, however, due to cost restraints we have had to dump the idea.”

Get Ready For Third, Fourth and Fifth EU Bailouts

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Kicking the can down the road for the inevitable is something that is extremely dangerous. Instead of facing the problem of the PIIGS and solving this issue once and for all, the higher Northern EU countries have elected to put a temporary plaster over the debt black hole and hope it somehow goes away.

Greece will now be on its second bailout with a national debt of 340 billion euros, and after six more years of painful austerity, it will reduce its debt down by only 4%. This is for a country which has very little industry, very little prospective growth and a toxic population of militant workers who are used to not paying much tax and living off EU subsidy handouts.

“I can’t see this being worth it for the Greeks. Can you imagine the pain of the poor everyday people in Greece who will have to suffer for many years under austerity. They will have to pay more tax while the rich sail around in their yachts not paying a penny. Retiring will be a thing of the past as they have to pay their German masters,” Johnson Aros, an American economist told the Financial Times.

The current bailout could be a cover for the Northern European banks to move their money out of countries like Greece and Portugal.

The Northern European banks are heavily entrenched in these poor Southern European countries and are trying to move as much money out before the whole load is dumped on the taxpayer again. It will be very similar to Lehman Brothers, however this time the shockwave will reach Bunga Bunga land and Spain. Once that happens, dig down, because the whole world will get sucked under into the precipice.

This new round of bailouts by the EU will also impact on the British taxpayer who will have to foot some of the bill, due in part to the former Chancellor, Alistair Darling, who signed the UK up for an EU rescue fund just before he was ousted from office. Therefore, the already strained finances of the UK will be used to prop up countries that wasted and continue to waste trillions of euros.

The EU has no Treasury as of yet, and this new round of bailouts could also be the precursor for an early version of an EU Treasury.

That is another nail in the coffin for sovereignty and democracy in Europe, where the central Treasury will be all encompassing and have the power to enforce major changes in countries which have been swallowed up by the Fascist EU bloc.

As control systems go, the EU is a floating behemoth that swallows whole countries whole, assimilates them, then spits out an empty shell.

The EU destroys Individuality, it assimilates in a Borg-like fashion.

“To assimilate fully, we must first destroy completely. This is what we have done to Greece. The game is up for them, they are completely under our control,” Jean-Claude Juncker, told the EU parliament.

The Fasci rods of the Thousand Year Reich are once again back, and what’s more, they have achieved all of this without a single shot being fired.

Take one last look at the poor Greeks. They are not Greeks anymore but a beaten people, they have been defeated by unelected technocrats in lands far away up North, away from the rolling olive tree laden hills and the crystal blue Aegean sea.

Drink another Ouzo, dear Greeks, what has happened to your lands that you fought for thousands of years? They have been sold off for a cheap price as has your national identity.

Brussels Orders End to British Curries

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Britain’s love affair with the Friday night pissed up balti and vindaloo will be phased out by a new EU directive from Brussels next week as it orders British people to eat something more European.

“It’s a Brit tradition. You go down the curry house, get boozed up on eight pints of watered down lager, take the piss out of the waiters, then order a vindaloo or two. Next morning you’ll be on the khasi pissing it all out of your burning arse. It’s part of our culture, innit,” Jed Moran, 45, a man from Liverpool told the BBC.

The EU wants the new curry directive to be implemented by next week.

“Ve haf vays of making you eat frites with mayonnaise. Also you Englishers will haf to show your papers before you eat at ze restaurant und all eating zones will haf to show ze EU swastika, ahem, I mean star flag,” comrade Jacques Stasi, one of the unelected bureaucrats in charge of the operation, told Bild from Berlin on Tuesday.

All eating establishments in England and Wales will be required to only serve EU regulated meals plus regulations regarding appearance will require restaurants and eateries to fly an EU flag outside the door.

Prime Minister, David Cameron, who was last seen swimming in a sewer somewhere near Wapping, was not available for comment about the new EU directive, and probably did not care much for it either.

Kung Fu Fighting Deng Saves Murdoch

This film is absolutely amazing. It’s about a female Kung Fu concubine who protects her master and sugar daddy. Starring new martial artist, Wendi Deng, and the Murdoch boys, there are fights galore to keep any fight enthusiast happy.

John Anselmo, 24, who saw the film in New York last night said: “There’s a great scene when an assailant tries to assault ailing grand master Rupert, but is thwarted by kung fu fighting concubine Wendi. It is absolutely awesome. The foam was flying for sure.”

“Wendi is awesome in this movie. She comes out slapping and hacking. I’m not sure which style of Kung Fu she is doing but it’s very effective,” another happy cinemagoer explained to Fox news.

The film is set to be released in the UK in September and will also be in 3D so get ready for some brutal fight scenes that will have you cowering in your seat.

Police to be Armed With Brown Paper Bags

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The police will from now on be armed with a simple paper bag so that during any form of altercation or criminal activity, money can be slipped into the bag and the issue can be resolved quickly and painlessly.

“This is going to solve a lot of crimes because once our officers receive their cash in the brown bags, they will simply walk away or even better still go on a prolonged all-expenses paid pamper spa session at Champneys. Don’t forget, we only use eco-friendly recycled brown paper bags at the Met, so rest assured we are also saving the planet as well as fighting crime,” Sir Paul Scribbers said in today’s issue of the News of the World.

The Home Secretary, Theresa May, welcomed the new police crime initiative, even going on to say that she would like a brown paper bag herself in Westminster, just like all the other MPs.

Even Prime Minister, David Cameron, chipped in on Sunday to praise the new police paper bag initiative.

“This is a great way of reducing erroneous crime statistics. If you commit a crime, you simply go to a McDonalds drop off zone, preferably in the Wapping area, signal to a policeman, who presents a brown paper bag to you. Of course, the amount of cash you deposit in the bag determines whether you walk free that day or not. This is simple economics and is a great way of solving the awful crime wave that is around at the moment. I have to reiterate that the brown paper bag means everyone’s happy, the criminal, as well as the bent copper,” the jubilant PM was quoted saying from his retreat in Chequers.

Lady GaGa Has Other Leg Amputated

She loved the attention her first amputation got her in 2010 and now GaGa has gone for her right leg, having it amputated in a medical facility in China last week.

“This is something she wanted to do so much. It has defined her sick image that her legs should be amputated just below the knee. She wants to show the world and her fans that she is a dedicated artiste and will do anything for her art. She is an anti-creative artiste who has chopped her legs off to define and accentuate her expressionist desire for freedom of art. It is the ultimate sacrifice and she should be applauded for her bravery and strength for her art,” GaGa’s manager, Alistair Mancuso, told CBS news on Thursday.

Naturally, after news of the amputation fed through to the media, disabled charities were in a state of outrage.

“There are people suffering out of no choice of their own and this monstrous woman has gone on to have her legs amputated for fashion? It is disgusting, narcissistic, attention seeking behaviour,” Julie Lamer, a disability campaigner for the Legless charity told MTV.

 

In response, GaGa’s team have vowed to donate a portion of the proceeds of her next single called ‘No Legs Are Better Than One’ to charity.

Lady GaGa’s rise into the pop charts has been meteoric and she is known to make a cool $300 million per year on album sales alone.

Rupert Murdoch and Son Taken to Guantanamo Bay

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Speaking from the White House, Barack Hussein Obama said: “My fellow Americans. This is one meeting I am not going to walk out of because it is imperative that I hang around and tell you about the Murdochs. This morning I ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to raid the Murdoch penthouse in Manhattan and to take the evil Murdochs to Gitmo. They hacked 9/11 victims’ phones. Yes, you heard right, the same shits who run Fox news were hacking the cell phones of 9/11 victims and families. These despicable, heinous, hypocritical acts made me actually lose my cool when I heard them and I bust a nut man, yep, I threw a few papers around in the Oval office and I kind of made some angry noises under my breath. Shi-i-i-e-t mofo, I feel like getting medieval on someone’s ass right now, those boys need to get taken down big time. It was kinda nice seeing them wearing the orange jump suits as they were put on the plane to be flown to Gitmo. For a change I was decisive. I was proud of myself, hey, looks like I’m slowly getting some fuckin’ balls for a change. Sheesh!”

Terrorist

Rupert Murdoch and his son will be imprisoned in Guantanamo bay for the next 50 years without any chance of parole.

Some of the wonderful amenities the Murdochs will be enjoying at the detention camp will be daily beatings, hourly electro-shock treatment on the testicles and daily humiliation sessions with special guest Lynndie England.

The Murdochs will be confined to a 3 by 4 foot cage for 23 hours a day where they can relax and think about their crimes against humanity.