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Sharon Shoesmith to Take In Baby P Killer As Lodger

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“She felt sorry for the child killer and seeing as she got a massive payout from cash strapped Haringey council, she wants to do her bit for society,” one of the jury members who voted for Shoesmith’s payoff, told the Sun newspaper.

Jason Owen, who only served two years for his part in the horrific death of toddler, Peter, is said to be glad that Shoesmith will welcome him to her luxurious home.

“Sharon is about to get £1 million payout for ‘unfair’ dismissal after allowing the death of Baby P through negligance. The council she is taking money from is already struggling financially, and because of the payment to Shoesmith, I am sure many other little children will suffer,” council worker, Anna Injastiss, told the Evening Standard.

Michelle Obama Told to Pay Back $10 Million Holiday Money

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First Lady, Michelle Obama, has been told by Congress that she will have to pay back the American taxpayer the funds appropriated by her and her entourage over the course of 2011 for her multiple unauthorised vacations.

“I am ashamed that I have taken advantage of the American taxpayer, especially in this time of need for many Americans who are struggling to live and put food on table for their families. I was living a bling lifestyle, I am essentially a thief who has stolen from the American people. Please, let me pay you all back. Barry, go right a cheque for the American people for $10 million. You can use the government cheque book for that,” Mrs Obama said whilst enjoying a foot rub on a deckchair by the Olympic sized pool.

Mrs Obama has taken 57 holidays this year alone and each with massive entourages consisting of hundreds of secret service men and additional hangers-on.

“Michelle says that it’s time Whitey’s wealth paid for 400 years of slavery, so she wants to milk the system as much as she can. Her husband is doing the same, they make a great team don’t they?” a White House aide told the ABC news network.

The First Lady usually travels with 70 friends as well as personal hairdressers, masseuse, fashion consultants, jeweller, teams of dieticians and a crew of personal trainers.

Use of Air Force Two, comes in at $600,000 for each trip. This does not include time on the ground.

Michelle likes to stay in $5,000 per night hotel rooms and only wears the most expensive designer clothes which are usually discarded in the bin after use.

“She bought some $7,500 sneakers for a tennis match at the Sebastian hotel but discarded them in the hotel bin after growing bored of them. I have often see her order a dish at a gourmet restaurant costing hundreds of dollars, only to yawn, and send it away after one bite. I know for sure, Barry and her made a pact to bankrupt America further. They figured, they were only going to be here once so they might as well clean the place out before the whole shithouse goes up in flames,” an ex-maid to Michelle Obama told the Washington Times.

Ordinary Americans seem oblivious to what Michelle Obama is doing to their money and she is still looked upon as an outstanding member of the White House, and when she makes her address to the country later on this week, she will surprise a lot of people.

“I always thought she was nice and was working for the American people. I don’t believe for one second that she would take advantage of her position, surely not,” Ed Masterson, a teacher from Alabama told Fox news.

Osborne Choking Life Out of Britain's Neck

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“He likes nothing better then to come into the Treasury at Horse Guards Road and choke anyone that is in his way. We’ve gone through four secretaries, six personal assistants and a cleaning lady already this month. He just grabs their neck and starts choking. Exactly what he’s doing to the British people with taxes,” a worker at the Treasury, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed to the Telegraph.

Britain, to George Osborne is a long tapering neck ripe for the choke, and with huge increases of taxation, national insurance, food and fuel costs, the British people are having the life choked from their collective neck.

“You have to work for 280 days in the year in the U.K. before you pay off the taxation and make any money for yourself. There is actually no point in trying to work or earn a high income because 66.6 per cent of your income will be taxed and given to the freeloaders at the bottom. What is the point in working hard in Britain if all your money is taken away from you? There is absolutely no impetus to better yourself and be successful. Just think, your hard earned cash which you have striven for, nearly killed yourself earning, is just taken from your pocket and given to some chav living in a million pound taxpayer funded house where they live the life of Riley,” a bankrupted, ex-business man living in a cardboard box under Waterloo Bridge, told the Evening Standard.

It is not just the high-earners who are punished in modern day Britain. Anyone on a low income is taxed at the basic rate of 40.2% including National Insurance contributions. So when you’re working your £5.25 per hour job cleaning the shit out of some poor O.A.P’s arse, think to yourself how you are really working for £3.15 per hour and that you are going to have to work for 70 hours a week just to be able to feed yourself.

Fuel tax is now 93% of the price, and to fill a mid-size car up will cost you £130. Food costs have risen to such a level that people are starving and going without food for days. You can see these poor people in impoverished areas, just staring into supermarkets and restaurants, longing for a decent meal or just some morsel to tide them over for the day.

What about the roads? Driving them these days on England’s rat packed highways, you can see the seething hatred in everyone’s eyes, and all it takes for a white van man to go psycho is some poor bastard waiting 2.5 milliseconds longer at the lights when they go amber. England’s roads are full off psychopathic nut jobs waiting to flip a fuse in their dangerous weapons they call vehicles, as they rev their engines waiting to crush anyone in their path.

The prisons are now overflowing with rioters, and soon there will be no more room for any more, as there will surely be more riots if the Chancellor keeps up with his strangle hold on the economy.

“I think the hierarchy want there to be riots because they have their bunkers to languish in for the next thirty years if need be. They will survive at all costs, because they know that the system is untenable right now. There’s nothing that can be done with the system, and no politician can fix it. They now have enough technology and level of information to discard everything else. Also, there is no way you can sustain a working British society with no resources, especially when you are getting huge influxes of poor Eastern European and African immigrants into Britain every day. Millions of people are granted free passage to come to the U.K., use its resources like the NHS and benefits, straining the already overloaded, overcrowded resources. We’re only a small island,” Russell Frost, 53, an unemployed man from East London told the Evening Standard.

As George Osborne squeezes harder and harder on the neck of Britain, he can see the veins bulging and he clenches his teeth to choke the life out of the economy. He does not want enterprise, he wants death, he wants riots, you and I are not worthy for him.

Britain needs nurturing, not strangulation.

Obama Loses $4 Trillion On Golf Game Bet

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Millions of Americans will be without social security payments next year because Barack Obama bet their money on a golf game he was playing with his pals whilst on holiday.

Speaking from his luxury $50,000 per week holiday rental mansion in Martha’s Vineyard, the president seemed strangely unapologetic about the major loss: “Today I lost $4 trillion of your money. Never mind folks, notch it up with the $6 trillion I lost last week and the week before that too. I’ll be asking Congress when I get back to Capitol Hill in late September to up the debt ceiling again.”

Will Cameron's Third Attempt at a Summer Holiday Work?

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“The PM will try a third attempt at his summer hols, this time, however, he may try Number10’s garden out back,” a Downing street aide told the BBC.

The prime minister was cheerfully sanguine about the whole affair: “I will attempt to have my third holiday and I will be closer to the hotline in case anything else happens. Should the bottom of the world fall out and we all find ourselves in the Australian outback, or a major apocalypse occurs, I will not be roused from somewhere far away.”

Cameron’s deputy, Nick Clegg, who was in charge while the PM was away, was his usual ineffectual self yesterday when he told the Syrian president to stop killing his own people.

“I’m sure president Assad must be quaking in his boots at the very thought of being reprimanded by Clegg,” Westminster commentator, Alistair Kolic, told the BBC.

The West Finally Gets Gaddafi's Oil

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Eventually it had to happen. The oil fields are now under the control of America and Britain and will ensure another twenty three years of solid supply at 1.8 million barrels per day, for the West.

‘In the name of freedom’

Oil reserves in Libya are the largest in Africa and the ninth largest in the world with 41.5 billion barrels. Already, the oil reserves in Iraq have been pretty much depleted by the U.S. to low levels and Libya will provide the next oil boost for the parasitical gas guzzling nation.

Libya is considered a highly attractive oil area due to its low cost of oil production (as low as $1 per barrel at some fields), and proximity to European markets.

“We didn’t even have to put troops on the ground like we did with Iraq. That was way too messy. This way we used the dumbfuck rebels, then after they’re done, we take over the spoils. Too frickin’ easy,” a Pentagon official said as he high fived a colleague.

American strategists were worried that they would either have to invade Iran or Saudi Arabia to get the next section of oil, which would have been extremely messy. Gaddafi is easy pickings and a steal.

Most of Libya remains unexplored as a result of past sanctions and disagreements with foreign oil companies, and this is why the recent rout of the Gaddafi regime will provide rich pickings for the American and British oil companies, who have been waiting patiently in the sidelines.

“America uses up 48% of the world’s resources and it is like a leech sucking up everything and destroying anything in its path. It has an irresistible hunger for other countries’ resources and once those are all used up, it moves onto the next country. Just look at the millions of cars on its spaghetti junction roads, ten lanes on each side. No one walks in America. Everyone drives a gas guzzling 4 mpg behemoth SUV to work and a few yards to their Walmart stores laden with any Chinese trinket imaginable. It assimilates whole cultures into its collective with its movies and sitcoms, its culture destroys anything else in its path. This is the reality,” Professor of History at Cambridge University, Joseph Pavlov, told the Times.

Cameron’s Regime on Brink of Collapse as Explosions and Rebel Gunfire Echo Around London

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Anti-police helicopter fire was seen in the sky and sustained gunfire was heard. London residents said there were anti-Cameron protesters on the streets. “We can hear shooting and rioting in different places,” said one. “Most of the regions of the city have gone out, mostly young people.”  

However, early today, the sound of gunfire seemed to have subsided. “Almost a minute went by without the sound of gunfire,” said a wounded Reuters reporter.

And a spokesman for the British government said Cameron “remains the leader of the British people even though he is on another holiday” and that London is well-defended.

The attacks in London came after rebels said they had taken control of the Midlands city of Birmingham but had been forced to retreat. The city, which contains over 4,000 Tesco Super Stores, has changed hands repeatedly over the past six months.

The cities of Northampton, 60 miles north of London, and Manchester, 160 miles to the north west, have also been seized. Last night Cameron’s forces were fighting to regain Birmingham.

Nato has dropped leaflets over London calling on the packs of hoodies and chavs to stop the mayhem and rioting. David Cameron spoke on Friday from his holiday home in Cornwall about his desire to regain control of the country from rebels and carry on with the Big Society.

Mobile Phone Text Language Credited For Incredible A-Level Pass Rates

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“A lot of these kids can’t read or write standard basic English, so we were forced to integrate mobile phone text lingo, or SMS shorthand, into the curriculum, which is the only way these people can communicate now. Some of the students are only conversant utilising pictures and diagrams and cannot even use SMS texts,” Deacon Aylesbury, head of Oxford Cambridge and RSA Examinations board was recorded as saying in last week’s edition of the Education Times.

Thousands of Britain’s youth now have the coveted A* grade and are all applying to top universities.

“I can’t read or write, in fact I’ve never actually read a book. I just turned up to the English literature exam with my stolen mobile phone, innit,” Kevin Chesney, 18, who got three A** grades for his A-levels, told the Daily Mail.

Graders for the A-level exams say they also allow candidates to draw pictures to try and describe events that occurred in history or to describe literary classics like Shakespeare and Chaucer.

“We regularly get candidates who can only communicate with stick figure drawings and scribbled smudges. It is quite challenging to find out what these people are trying to communicate, but it certainly can be done. We’re getting some really gifted candidates being marked and we have only had one chap who failed this year because he was too busy looting a supermarket to attend the A-level examination,” Laurence Demister, an adjudicator and A-level marker told the BBC.

Silly Bercow Wants More Attention

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“Silly Bercow is to go on TV to get more attention for being the wife of John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons. We all know she is a vulgar vile parasite, so why she has to go on telly on the Big Brother show to tell us this is a complete mystery,” Tory MP Frederick Applesby, said at Question Time to raucous laughter.

Silly Bercow, is also known for other silly pursuits like posing naked wrapped in semen encrusted sheets outside the houses of parliament, and spouting verbal diarrhoea on her twitter page.

“I can’t wait to see this silly cow on telly making a total fool of herself and her midget husband,” a backbencher told the Evening Standard today.

Four Year Prison Sentences For Every British Facebook User

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Everything you say on Facebook is recorded, noted down and will be used against you at a later date if need be. This is the reality that millions of Facebook users have to live with now as their every miniscule thought is analysed by the authorities.

1984

“You would have to be a f*cking idiot to have a Facebook page up and tell everyone everything about yourself. Don’t you have any shame? Any dignity? Are you really that stupid? Why don’t you just hand over everything to the marketers, spooks and ruthless Ad men. Listen to me, never divulge anything on Facebook. They can come for you in the middle of the night for your thoughtcrimes. They will take you away and you will lose everything,” Dave Ingram, who is serving a six year sentence in Pentonville prison for thoughtcrimes against the state, told the BBC during a prison interview.

Fear

Will Facebook users realise how they were duped into the enclosed surveillance world of electronic experimentation, where their every thought is probed, analyzed then imputed into a computer to be kept forever?

“These Facebook users still have no fear, maybe because they are trusting sheep, ready for the slaughter. We can come for them anytime we wish, all it takes is for them to utter a thoughtcrime against the state. It can be a little joke, or a little remark, we want you to fear what you say because we are watching and analyzing every thought from your piddling minds,” a surveillance officer for an anonymous agency told the BBC anonymously.