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Chinese Want to Buy British Royal Family

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“We have amassed so much money making cheap electronics and plastic trinkets that we are going to buy the British royal family and ship them off to a theme park somewhere on the outskirts of Shanghai,” the finance minister told state television on Friday.

The Chinese have already purchased Greece, large swathes of debt-ridden America, Italy, Portugal, as well as Ireland and France.

Last year, the Chinese purchased 23 countries in the African continent which they mined of all their natural resources, and are now looking for more countries to ransack.

The Windsor theme park has taken three months to construct and will attract billions of Chinese and foreign sightseers every year.

The British royal family would still be able to carry on being a royal family but will simply be in a different country.

The Chinese have already recreated a fully functioning Buckingham palace as well as a Windsor castle within the 4,000 acre theme park.

“This is a very intricate set up. We also have replicated a number of nightclubs so that Prince Harry will not realise that he is in China. Prince Andrew will of course have the pick of the prostitutes and we even have a surprise for Fergie, we give her expensive shops to go in where she can buy fake luxury goods to her hearts content. We also have a horse box for Camilla, with prenty of hay. It gonna be like heaven for her. Don’t tell Prince Philip he in China though, he might start walking around calling everyone a slitty eyed ch*nk,” Xim Xam Long, director of operations for the Windsor theme park told the Xinhua news service.

The royal theme park will open in time for Chinese New Year, which will be sometime in July.

Why McGinniss Smear Book Will Make People Like Sarah Palin More

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In the tell-tale book written by author Joe McGinniss, Palin is portrayed as a cocaine sniffing basketball player loving adulturess, but the book which was written to thwart the wonderful Sarah Palin could very well backfire its insideous plan and cause an increase to her popularity ten-fold.

“After hearing about Sarah snorting lines of coke off an oil drum, I just slapped my forehead and said ‘She’s got my vote’. I mean she’s so exciting compared to all the other boring candidates. What have they ever done? Palin excites me, she is so sexy, I want to go on hunting trips with her coked up to the eyeballs, shoot some moose or meese, then we can rip off our clothes in the freezing cold tundra and f*ck like animals. That’s what living is about. I feel alive. When she becomes president, you know she’s going to change things because she ain’t some dumbass Democrat with a corncob stuck up their ass like Obamo, that limp dick couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse, that’s the kind of person who could f*ck up a cup of coffee. When Palin walks into a room, hell I stand to attention, in more ways than one, if you know what I mean. She’ll be coming round the mountain with the artillery, the air force and bucketloads of napalm to get things back to how they used to be in America,” Jed Wezbuck, an ex-Democrat voter from Arkansas said at a recent fundraising rally in Wisconsin.

All across America, the revelations and allegations about Sarah Palin’s past life have actually invigorated the sentiment towards her presidency.

From the East coast to the West, to the Midwest voters are shouting for the Rock’n’Roll Hockey Mom, and if there was an election held tomorrow, Palin would win by a landslide.

“We love the rock’n’roll star Sarah Palin. She ain’t boring like all the other Republicans or Democrats. we want someone human like her. She’s got the whole town’s vote and then some,” Bud Kowzinski, 45, a carpenter from Hicksville, in Montana told CBS news.

Even amongst the usually reluctant non-Republican voting black population, Mrs Palin is now a huge hit.

“Usually we don’t vote for people like Sarah Palin, but this time she gots us our vote, dang. Bitch likes black meat, hell that’s what I like to see, hmm, hmm. White women know where it’s at. We’s gonna vote up for her fo’ sho after that,” Buddy Johnson, 56, a janitor from Mississippi told a local radio station.

Rumsfeld Cancels Subscription to New York Times But Still Subscribes to Torture Times

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“I will not be reading the New York Times anymore because the views expressed in that rag go against my principles of mass torture and genocide,” Mr Rumsfeld said to a salivating Fox news presenter.

Instead of looking at different points of view from numerous people, Mr Rumsfeld said that he would carry on subscribing to the weekly publication, the Torture Times, published in Austria by Fritzl publishing.

“Under our orders, over a million sand people in Iraq were killed. Now I don’t know where Mr Krugman got off in saying the things he said about how 911 was hijacked by our administration to commit shameful acts of destruction and cowardice on a bunch of unarmed Iraqis so that we could get a foothold in the Middle East and take their oil. Don’t be talkin’ trash. We went there to liberate Iraqis from life, after they invaded us on 911. We gave them justice and they got what they deserved for living in their own country,” Mr Rumsfeld added.

After a round of applause and cheering from the studio crowd in the Fox studios, Mr Rumsfeld, then bowed and said: “What we did after 911 was a known unknown known, and what we did not do, was an unknown known known, so if you multiply the knowns by the unknowns, then divide them up by the unknown knowns, what do you get? Shieet, I don’t know? Let’s just do some more extraordinary renditions, waterboarding and torture more of those goddamn sub-human Arabs.”

World Police Forces in New Threat As Officers Dance Uncontrollably

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“We have seen police forces reduced to nothing but moving masses on the streets unable to conduct proper policing activities against criminals because they are too busy getting down to the funky music. We need to halt this terrible craze or criminals will simply get the wrong message. They’re meant to fear the police, not laugh at them,” Chief Detective Inspector, Dennis Gredham, of the Metropolitan Police told the BBC.

Officers across London have reported irresistible urges to dance whilst on duty.

“I was just about to go back to the station to do some more paperwork when I got the desire to dance. I couldn’t help myself, I was gyrating my hips and waving my hat around with absolutely no control over myself. I am ashamed to say that I did not complete anymore paperwork or wasting time in the cafeteria that day,” PC. James Matlock, recalled.

The problem is so widespread that American police forces are on immediate dance standby in case any of their officers decide to start grooving on the beat.

Speaking from Atlanta, Georgia, Officer John Asshoe, told WKZDFR news: “We got an executive order in case any officers start busting out some intense dancing moves on the street. They can’t help themselves, and I have to say, I had to dance yesterday during a jay walk situation, the guy got away but after I finished dancing I shot him up three blocks away. I was just lucky that time, I know of worse situations where the bad guys really did get away.”

NASA Pictures Show Astronauts Had Portaloo on the Moon

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“The astronauts needed to go to the crapper on the moon, so they had a portaloo put in a crater. Obviously they couldn’t take the portaloo back so they left it there and it’s still got astronaut poop in it to this day,” Peter Van Allen, a NASA historian, told NASA Weekly magazine.

Famous astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, recalled his toilet moment on the moon: “I had just got off the LRV (Lunar Roving Vehicle) when I noticed I had to take a shit. It was those goddamn burritos I had eaten before we landed, so I rushed to the portapotty, wacked down my suit and deposited a piece of history on the moon’s surface. It was one giant sweetcorn encrusted steaming log for moonkind right there.”

The stunning photos of the moon’s surface were taken with NASA’s Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO).

The $583m (£364m) LRO project is producing a detailed 3D map of the Moon and has been edited heavily with photoshop in preparation for any future questions about the moon landings.

“You just have to take our word for it that those are pictures of footprints and portacabins on the moon’s surface. We have the technology now to digitally recreate that stuff, and there’s no way anyone else can verify what we say or present to you,” Al Hertyu, chief project manager for NASA told CNN on Friday.

September to be Renamed '9/11 Month'

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Speaking at the hallowed ground of ground zero, Mayor Blumburger said: “Ten Septembers ago a tragedy befell America where 4,000 people died in the twin towers. This is why we’re renaming the month of September, ‘911 month’ because that is exactly what it is. The question is folks. Cui bono? Who benefitted from that attack on that fateful day? It certainly was not any Arab nation or Muslims who are now a pariah around the world. Think to yourself for one second, what did 911 allow America to do? I’ll tell you, many things like invading oil rich countries, shutting down civil liberties and creating a mass of jingoistic nationalism amongst Americans. They didn’t scramble one Air Force jet that day. Why? It was the precursor for the Project for the New American Century, which was written way before the tragedy of 911 ever happened. The people who wrote the PNAC were asking for a new Pearl Harbour, a catalyst, they wanted it, they prayed for it. Ask yourselves again, for one second, who gained from the demolition of the towers? This is why September will be renamed because we want everyone to remember what happened to us. What you saw that day is imbedded in your brain, it is etched like a Leonardo Da Vinci masterpiece deep in your lobes. Everywhere you look, the media utters the words, every media source is on permanent 911 loop, you cannot escape from it. Repetition, repetition, repetition. It is the old Soviet trick they are utilising, to bore it into your brain. Never mind that there were far worse tragedies meted out onto lesser beings (i.e. non-Americans). Look at the Japanese, a hardy people who have had two atomic weapons dropped on them, massive tsunamis, powerstation leaks and earthquakes. You do not hear a whimper from these people. They get on with their lives, they do not ask for people to feel sorry for them or plaster the world’s media with their misery. I look at the Japanese, and I bow my head with respect. They are not blubbering cry babies, they are hardy warriors who get on with their lives and do not pollute the air waves with their constant memorials. I’m off to play a round of golf right now, to get on with my life, and urge you all to do the same.”

American politicians and historians are thus proposing that the world adopts ‘911 Month’ replacing September which was originally derived from the Latin, septem meaning “seven” and septimus “seventh”.

September was in fact the seventh month of the Roman calendar until 153 BC, when the first month changed from Kalendas Martius (1 March) to Kalendas Januarius (1 January).

From now on September will be rubbed from calendars worldwide and replaced by ‘911 month’. Never forget, and if you do, they will make you remember.

Ben Bernanke Worse than Gordon Brown

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“Whenever Bernanke speaks, markets tank. It’s good if you’re a bear but equities always take a nosedive if this guy even utters a word. He’s worse than Gordon Brown, and that’s saying something,” a trader at the NYSE told the Financial Times.

Bernanke Speaks Stock Market Weeps

Bernanke is a surefire shorters champion because of his ability to drop the Dow and S&P without fail. President Obama comes up with the anti-business policies that are ruining America’s fragile economy further and his Fed Chairman comes out with the flaccid speeches that drop markets by huge percentage points each time.

“I don’t think Bernanke knows what it is like to speak and see the Dow soar 300 points in twenty seconds. When he walks onto the podium and breathes on the mic, the markets tumble by 400 points. He is the anti-Midas Fed Chairman, we should just throw rotten haddock at the fucker every time he steps up to make a shit announcement. These socialists don’t know anything about money,” another frustrated trader said.

U.S. Can't Afford to Pay to Print More Money

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“We’re asking congress to raise the debt ceiling so we can buy ink and paper to print more dollars so we can then pay for the ink and paper we just printed,” Dan Fenster, a U.S. Federal Reserve worker told the Washington Times.

With a U.S. deficit of $20 trillion and a president still on holiday, things are getting hard for the economy.

“We need to print some more greenbacks or we won’t be able to pay for social security or salaries for our soldiers killing people in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those boys and gals need their money. Shooting people is a hard job, we want them to get paid for that,” Congressman, Richard Anus (D) told CNN.

President Obama was expected to ask for another debt ceiling increase when he comes back from Martha’s Vineyard in October.

Credit Crunch 2 Coming to a Deserted Cinema Near You

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The film centres around a sleepy Greek village where farmers have long siestas all day and receive huge EU subsidies to have fields with nothing growing on them.

During the second part of the film’s action scene, the EU subsidised £1.5 billion Athens metro network comes into focus as the Greek passengers who don’t pay tax, get on a train without bothering to buy a ticket and ride around the whole of Athens for free in an air conditioned, plasma screened luxury carriage.

“What struck me about this movie was the astounding cost of the film. It cost 23 trillion euros to make and the movie itself hasn’t sold one ticket,” Archie Chipper, a film critic for the Evening Sub-Standard wrote in his weekly column.

The denouement of the film revolves around some cleaners and track workers all receiving £70,000 salaries and working three day weeks, all complaining and rioting about being told to work an extra day. We then see the Germans, French and British taxpayers footing the bill for the whole lot and being sucked under with the Greeks. In other words, everyone gets fucked in the end and there’s no happy ending.

“I have to say, I sat through the whole film and I cried. It was the most harrowing film I have ever seen and I sincerely do not wish this film upon anyone. Luckily I saw it in a test screening and I know for certain no one will see it in a cinema, because they’ve all gone bust,” Mr Chipper added.

Gordon Brown to Become Dentist

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The former PM is said to be delighted to have qualified as a dentist and will practice dentistry in his old constituency.

“My new dental practice will be unique, because I will forbid the use of any form of anaesthetic whilst I am digging through your gums with a rusty drill bit,” the former PM told a local newspaper.

Mr Brown is eager to make every patient feel like they are in a cabinet meeting or stuck in the ex-PM’s private office during his tenure as prime monster.

“We’re already booked up. Some people are even crossing the border to get treatment from Brown. Our best client so far is some chap called Tony. He’s got a dazzling smile, or should I say, he used to have a dazzling smile, until the dentist got to work on him with those pliers,” Mr Brown’s receptionist said from the surgery.

Luckily for the residents on each side of Mr Brown’s dental surgery, the soundproofed walls will drown out the screams and tortuous wailing of his patients.