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David Cameron: "We Are Living in a Democracy"

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“You may think you are living in a democracy; it may look somewhat like a democracy, but the reality is that this is not a democracy, because you, the people, have no say. I may have promised an EU vote countless times during my years in the wilderness trying to get you to trust me, but I lied. You believed me, therefore, you lose,” Mr Cameron said emphatically, whilst at the podium for his speech.

F*ck the people

Mr Cameron then went on to say: “I don’t listen to the people, I govern for you because you are inconsequential. With regards to the EU, I have been ordered by Brussels to get the UK ready for euro entry and even more totalitarian laws. By the time I have finished with this place you won’t recognise it. Britain as an entity is finished, we no longer have sovereignty and I and my predecessors have made damn sure that you, the people, are completely disarmed. So please, go watch your X Factor and your Come Dancing or surf your Facebook goldfish bowl pages. Do not bother yourselves with such trivialities like eternal slavery and totalitarian collectivist states.”

The PM then revealed plans which will be imposed by the EU that will make British elections useless. In other words, what is the point in having elections here if we are governed totally from over there.

After rapturous applause from the assembled crowd of impotent yes men and women who make up the weak conservative socialist party, Mr Cameron walked off the stage smiling like a Cheshire cat.

Mike Tindall Invited to Play Special Rugby Match at Tower of London

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Speaking from New Zealand, Mr Tindall told BBC sports: “I’ve been invited to play in a special rugby tournament in the Tower of London. They said that I should go to the bit of the tower where there is a big piece of scaffolding and some kind of wooden block with a basket underneath. Then they said a big chap with an axe will come along to referee the rugger match. Zara said she wants to come and watch as well. I’m still contemplating whether to go or not.”

Those attending the special rugby match will only be royals and a few select civilians.

Mr Tindall is set to fly back to Britain later on today where he will be escorted straight to the Tower.

Foxy Knoxy to Become Instant Millionaire

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“We just got ourselves a millionairess and we’re going to milk this story till the cows come home,” John Bloom, a network representative for the CBS news outlet said at the retrial’s close.

Never mind the back door deals that secured the release of Amanda Knox, or the U.S departments who pulled the strings, this lady is now free, and tonight she’s going to find the nearest camera in the vicinity and get straight to work.

The bumbling Italian forensic scientists and police must be slapping themselves on the back as another subject walks free from custody.

Thank your lucky stars if you don’t live in America, because the next two months will have the US media completely saturated by Foxy Knoxy fever and will culminate in a bestseller or three, maybe a much anticipated Playboy shoot, or possibly even some merchandise.

Confused Wall Street Protesters Call For Re-election of Obama

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“We’re insane. we actually don’t know what we’re saying or doing. We’re completely misguided. Barack Obama, who is part of the political elite, should be re-elected? We actually had no idea that Obama is part of the elite, and he’s the one doing all these bad things to us but we’re fresh out of college and don’t know shit. Hell, I’m so dumb I don’t even know that the sky is blue and the grass is green,” Dim Eidjut, 23, a university graduate from Wisconsin who just got his eyes plastered with pepper spray, told ABC news.

Indeed, it seems the protesters are only using one brain cell collectively and it’s firing at half capacity.

“These fuckers are so dumb that they actually don’t know why they’re here? These people are proof that the elite dumbing down exercises have worked very well within the American indoctrination system. If this is the standard of education in modern day America, I’m afraid there is no hope for anyone,” a shocked observer told reporters at the scene.

Another observer assembled on the edge of the protest scene said: “First of all, if these morons want to bring down the banking system, stop frickin’ buying things with your credit cards. Don’t buy what the adverts tell you to buy. Throw away your cheque books, don’t buy anything from Walmart or whatever other store you get your crap clothes from. Don’t pay your bills. Don’t live in a house, don’t wear shoes, don’t drive a car or pay for gas. If these people want to hurt the bankers, don’t use money. That’s the only way to stop the controllers. You take away their goodies, then what are they going to do? If everyone did that for three days, the whole system would collapse. I feel sorry for these poor people protesting, I’ve seen more brains in a pile of festering dog shit.”

As the morbidly vapid shuffle around holding their poorly written placards, a wave of laughter spreads from the tower blocks surrounding Wall Street, it is the sound of the bankers creaming off more spoils for the day. It seems like it’s another regular day in the business district, and the feckless fools pretending to protest for a cause are simply flailing around in the dark. Viva la non-Revolución.

Daily Squib Holding Company to Start Galactic Flights £45,000 Per Ticket

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“What you do is, you give us £45,000 for a ride in a space rocket, then we blast you into space,” Mario Jenkem, the Daily Squib’s spokesman has revealed at a press conference in central London.

The Daily Squib’s holding company has teamed up with a Chinese aeronautics firm to create cut price rockets that shoot up into the sky at very high rates of speed.

Space Rocket Specifications:

Number of space tourists: 56

Number of booster rockets: 15

Speed: 13,450 mph

Destination: Who knows?

“If you think about it, you’ll be forking over 120 grand to Virgin Galactic so they can fly you into the stratosphere for a few minutes. F*ck that, we can take you further, for 45k you’ll be halfway to Jupiter. It’s a bloody bargain mate, you won’t get a better deal than that. We’ll soon have you flying in the stars in a jiffy and Bob’s your uncle, innit,” Mr Jenkem said.

The one way trip into deep space is bound to be a surefire hit with D-list celebrities and anyone who’s got a spare £45,000 hanging about.

Daily Squib Space Exploration Reader Competition

For a once in a lifetime chance to win a trip into space, tell us who was the first man in space? a) Bruce Willis b) Buzz Lightyear c) Yuri Gagarin

Send your answers on a postcard to: Space Rocket Comp, PO Box 3423, Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, GL45 9ZA

Greece to Sell Their Weather

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“The Greeks have absolutely nothing left. They are a destitute people who have spent their way into financial oblivion, but they do have one thing — their great weather,” EU finance bureaucrat, Japseye Scheubles, told the French, Le Figaro newspaper on Friday.

Indeed, out of all of the negative headlines coming from the media, Greece can be proud of one major part of their country, they always get great f*cking weather.

“I don’t have a job, I haven’t eaten in four days, I lost everything including my house, my wife, my business and even my dog, but look at this wonderful weather we’re having. Not a single f*cking cloud in the sky. I think I’m off to the beach,” Stavrou Paplamouomos, a former shopkeeper from Thessaloniki told a local Greek radio station.

European debt collectors who arrived in Greece yesterday from Germany were so taken by the wonderful Greek weather that they all encamped in a villa on the coast and hope to stay there for a few weeks before they decide to refuse paying more money into the infamous Greek debt hole that everyone’s talking so much about.

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mrs. Merkel?

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We used to have Churchill but now we’ve got Cameron. Prepare for an invasion and a welcome reception to the invading marauders by Number10.

“You vill surrender at all costs or ve vill start to send ovah zee doodlebugs again,” Franz Goering, head of the EU’s airforce, the EUwaffe, told totalitarian news service, The European.

Stukas at Three O’Clock

As the threat of the European Union rises, Brits are being told to be vigilant and guard themselves from the daily deluge of EU directives.

“Today we had two more EU directives. They want us to wipe our arses with one sheet of paper only so as to adhere to the EU carbon shit emissions directive B2343 section 2D. Well, I used the piece of paper with the directive on it to wipe my arse, then put it in an envelope and sent it back to Brussels. Hopefully, Sarko opens that particular envelope, the slimy surrender monkey,” Jed Warde, 45, from Ginster, Surrey told the Daily Mailograph.

Head of the EU Reich, Frau Merkel warned the British about any disobedience with regards to the new European age of conquest.

“Not one single shot was fired to take France and all the other EU countries now under our totalitarian state. We would advise the Britishers to comply with assimilation or there will be actual shots fired this time. 1942 was a trial run for what is going to come. You have been warned.”

Another quotation from the father off the EU himself, Jean Monnet, who said this on 30 April 1952, puts everything into context:

“Europe’s nations should be guided towards the super-state without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps each disguised as having an economic purpose, but which will eventually and irreversibly lead to federation.” 

Ed Balls Loses Testicles in Terrible Football Accident

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Mr Balls was playing 5-a-side football at a Labour party conference match when he tried to kick the ball. Both of his testicles were caught in the seam of his shorts and detached from his body. Ambulance crews were on the scene within minutes to stretcher Balls off the pitch, and a ball boy was recruited to try and locate Mr Balls’ balls.

“We found them near the penalty area, obviously he punted them halfway up the pitch. Poor bastard, I was about to offside him as well but after that I let him go. I figured he’s got worse things to worry about now, innit,” the game’s referee, Gerard Motherwell, told the Sun newspaper.

Surgeons were not able to disclose whether Mr Balls’ testicles will be able to be sewn back on and have remained silent about the terrible injury.

Mr Balls who is in a critical but stable condition at Scunthorpe General Hospital made no comment about the injury, but it is assumed he will resume his role as shadow chancellor as soon as he makes a recovery in a week or so.

The Best Antidote to the EU is Greece

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The best way for the EU to be reduced to a smouldering wreck is for Greece to stay in the euro. We should be encouraging this because it will mean that they will drag the rest of Europe down into the mire. Hades will be a welcome sight to the French and Germans after they are dragged through the broken glass by their goolies and splattered on the rocks of the Aegean.

“We want Greece to stay in the euro currency because they’re like a tumour growing inside the EU. They’re like a Trojan cancer spreading from country to country. The French will defend Greece to the end even though the Greeks have literally shat in their frog leg soup. It’s not just the frogs who will hopefully be dragged down but the Krauts as well, we all know they’ll get sucked under too. They’ve already bailed the Greeks out twice and because Greeks don’t pay tax and live off EU subsidies, their country is not sustainable economically. Greece will take them all down, because the eurocrats are blinded by their decision to keep Greece in the euro,” Jim Hedger, a staunch eurosceptic MEP told the Guardian.

When Greece defaults and is still allowed to stay in the euro currency, there will be an interim period of rejoicing from the eurocrats, but this will be short lived, because the Greeks will simply repeat their profligacy and ask for more money at a later date.

“The Greeks will have their debt wiped out. Then they will be rewarded by being given more money from Germany and told that they can stay in the euro. That’s like telling the malignant tumour that is stuck inside of your body that it can stay there and create more trouble by spreading instead of letting the surgeon cut it out and letting your body recover. Greece will take the EU down and the delusional leeches that are siphoning off every morsel of cash from the destitute taxpayers of Europe will be stripped of their cash cow forever,” Joel Mancini, an EU political commentator told Newsweek.

Unfortunately, the only people who will suffer when the pack of cards finally fall will be everyone but the super-rich. The statesmen and grotesquely rich business people who have plundered the population for so long, will simply enter their luxury shelters or exclusive islands, and watch the show kick off from afar. For the ordinary civilians, it is best to stock up with as many supplies as you can find and leave the cities for remote areas in the country. When the marauding gangs are searching for food and water in the hell hole cities, you and your family want to be as far away from them as possible.

You don’t think for one second that the likes of Mandy and Blair will stick around in the cities do you? They will encamp to some super rich playground in Montenegro and watch the fireworks go off, only emerging once the wars have died down in about ten or fifteen years.

The Greeks should be applauded because they have brought down Europe with one single blow, they did not have to send an army of pom pom sporting dancers carrying 1970s issue rifles to attack the EU, they instead took the money from the rich EU states and spent it all without recourse.

Greece have done a wonderful job with the EU in bringing it to its knees, but unfortunately, the thick heads at the top of the EU are morons and will need to be completely destroyed until they finally get the message. If you are a eurosceptic, you should be hoping that Greece stays in and is allowed to finish the job it started.

As the Achilles heel bleeds all over the place, so too does the mortally wounded EU. The Greeks should be praised for their sheer balls in taking the EU for a ride, then destroying their dream of an EU super state and having the cheek to pretend that they did nothing wrong in the first place.

IMF’d: Even Drudge Report Starts Repeating Daily Squib Headlines From 2010

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“I wrote this IMF bailout story back in 2010 and of course, in the spirit of the Squib it was totally tongue in cheek. I just looked at the headlines on the internets today and realise that what I foresaw in 2010 has become reality,” Frederico Mullet, one of our writers said from his toilet cubicle.

Many people on the internet agree that the Daily Squib comes up with the goods sometimes years in advance, and if you want to know the future, read the Squib.

“Yes, I have to say whenever I want to know what is going to happen I read the Daily Squib. They seem to have a good understanding of what is happening now and what is likely to happen in the near future. The ‘IMF Needs Emergency Bailout‘ story is a good example of this very fact. Today’s Drudge headline points to a report by the Telegraph where the new IMF chief, Christine Lagarde, starts bawling uncontrollably at the folly of the whole terrible situation. Naturally, when the Squib wrote the piece, DSK was still head of the IMF, and even the canny Squib could not ever predict he would be later ousted from his job for ‘allegedly’ raping a chamber maid. I’ve had the old reptile on the blower shouting at me that he wants the Times to predict the future like the Squib, I told the old dalek that we’ve tried and tried dozens of times but can’t do it. His son then told me to bug whoever or whatever it takes to get the stories,” Robbie McJenkem, editor in chief of the Times wrote today.