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Home Blog Page 601

Jamie Oliver’s Secret Recipes

Health

Karoli Neem

October 14, 2011

This week only in the Daily Squib and every piece of media known to man including, television, radio, billboards, mobile phones, internet and cinema advertising, you will get to see Jamie Oliver’s fat head slapping around the screen telling you what to eat and do.

“Everywhere I look I see Jamie Oliver and his fat fucking tongue hanging out. This cunt gets everywhere. Go to the supermarket and half the products have his name and face on it, I can’t buy anything anymore. I flat out refuse to do so. Then I go home and switch on the telly, and he’s on there with his fat tongue telling us what to eat and do. Why don’t you go home and shag your neglected wife for a change and take your kids to the park and leave us alone you money grabbing fat tongued fake cockney ponce,” Rob Nesbit, 45, a teacher from East Munters told the BBC.

Jamie Oliver gets everything from Sainsbury’s including his personality and he wants to train everyone in the UK to do the same.

Jamie’s Secret Recipe for the Day

After shopping at Sainsbury’s and getting all the Jamie Oliver brand ingredients, go home and get ready to cook.

First, get a bucket, so the spittle from your tongue can be collected and added to the dish later. Then get all the Jamie Oliver branded ingredients and stick them in a bowl.

Pause for a moment as you realise that the money you spent buying the goods will enrich and encourage one of the most annoying cunts in the history of televisual chef-dom to carry on annoying the population even further.

After you put the ingredients in a bowl, add the bucket of spittle and mix with a whisk until frothy. Add some ‘butta’ and say the word ‘literally’ every few seconds, then serve on a rustic looking faux wood kitchen table and garnish with some Jamie Oliver parsnip grown on an organic sustainable eco sewage heap in some industrial estate in Glasgow.

Next week – another wonderful Jamie Oliver spittle filled dish served up for your displeasure

Did Liam Fox Spend Night With William Hague?

World

October 13, 2011

Did Liam Fox Spend Night With William Hague?

Defence Secretary, Liam Fox, may have spent a night in a single hotel room with Foreign Secretary William Hague, reports from a London hotel claim.

Amidst more lurid rumours surrounding the two cabinet ministers, they have vehemently denied any wrongdoing and have stated that they were only conducting secret cabinet meetings from within the confines of the hotel room.

Mr Hague, 49, dismissed “‘utterly false” rumours about his friendship with Mr Fox who is the Defence Secretary. But he did admit they “occasionally shared twin hotel rooms” to save money.

Dr Liam Fox also cited the money saving attributes to the room share: “These are austere times we are living in and we’re not only making cuts in the MoD but even ministers have to make cuts. Sometimes you just have to push the stool in and take it like a man, the cuts affect everyone.”

Massive Suicide Increase After Blackberry Shutdown

Sci/Tech

Karoli Neem

October 13, 2011

Massive Suicide Increase After Blackberry Shutdown

“People are dying out there. Blackberry has to do something and do something quick. I ‘ve seen fifteen Blackberry users jump from tower blocks today alone, and it’s barely 9.30 am,” Jasper Lebovic, a waiter in Fenchurch street, London, told the Evening Standard.

The crippled smartphones are now leaving a wake of destruction behind them not only in the UK but globally as well.

“We have noticed a massive jump in the number of Blackberry suicides, forgive the pun,” an emergency worker in New York told local news stations.

One Blackberry user who was eventually talked down from jumping off a downtown tower in Los Angeles said: “I was desperate. I couldn’t connect to Twitter or Facebook for a whole half hour. I was just about to jump when the service was temporarily restored. That’s when the policeman grabbed me and brought me down from the ledge.”

In a statement, RIM, which makes BlackBerry devices, said: “BlackBerry subscribers need to calm the f*ck down, it’s only the internet. You can make voice calls or even better write a letter. How about talking to someone face to face you stupid tech obsessed dumbf*cks. We are experiencing intermittent service delays this morning so calm the f*ck down already.”

The firm faced growing calls for compensation from users who were still alive. All over the world, European, Middle Eastern and African BlackBerry owners have now endured three working days without mobile internet access, including email and instant messaging.

'Underpants Bomber' Had Skid Marks Court Told

World

Karoli Neem

October 12, 2011

'Underpants Bomber' Had Skid Marks Court Told

“This guy had huge skid marks in his underpants, we’re not talking about a few little lines here, we’re talking major skid marks that could only mean he was shitting himself on that plane,” Jeff Dean, one of the prosecutors in the trial told the court.

The ‘Underpants Bomber’ gave himself away from the smell emanating from his bung hole, and scared passengers who immediately pinned the Islamic fundamentalist down on the cabin’s floor to extract his poopy pants. They were later praised for their quick thinking actions.

“I’ll never forget that day. I was sitting next to this guy and he suddenly started shifting around on his seat, you know like when a dog has butt worms and drags its butt around the floor. Then the smell hit me, he started shouting Allah snack bar stuff and looking all wild eyed. I knew something was wrong, and about a dozen off us got this crazy mofo down and took his underpants off. He had a bomb in there, but the skid marks were huge. I still get nightmares,” Jack Stollof, a passenger on the ill fated flight told the court.

No one knows what the outcome of the trial will be but when photographs of the skid marks were shown to the jury and court, there were gasps heard all around.

Famous actor and Scatologist, Tom Cruise, who attended the hearing researching his latest film, told Hollywood Weekly magazine: “When I saw those underpants and their skid marks, I knew that the spirit of N. Ron Hubbub and the Kretans was still alive. It’s as if I could smell the wonder of those klingons right from where I was sitting in the gallery.”

Osborne to Stimulate Economy With More Heavy Taxation

World

Karoli Neem

October 11, 2011

Osborne to Stimulate Economy With More Heavy Taxation

“Instead of working for 320 days in the year before you make any money for yourself, we want you to work for 359 days of the year before you pay off the taxation,” Mr Osborne said smirking wildly during a parliamentary conference.

George Osborne thinks that restoring growth in the economy is the most important thing to do so this is why he increased VAT to 20% and increased all taxes by 45% as well keeping the 50% tax rate so that there could be a mass brain drain of talent and businesses from the UK.

“It is imperative that we stimulate growth in the economy by taxing people and businesses so much that they cannot move or function. Let’s get Britain moving shall we,” Mr Osborne added.

Reporters attending the conference asked Mr Osborne what his Plan B is. He replied: “More taxation.”

Peter Andre to Save Greece With Benefit Concert

Entertainment

Karoli Neem

October 11, 2011

Peter Andre to Save Greece With Benefit Concert

“Greece’s future survival depends on Peter Andre’s cheesy chav tunes. This is the reality of the situation. I think we’re all fucked now for sure,” Greek Finance minister, Stavrou Meatporko, told Greek television yesterday.

The Peter Andre concert has already attracted some attention and 34 tickets were sold in two whole days of sales.

To speed up ticket sales, Team Andre is even thinking of hiring the unthinkable — Katie Price.

“We figure if we have Katie out front on stage. When she takes off her clothes and shows everyone her silicone beach balls as well as her perfectly manicured well-used prolapsed meat curtains, we’ll have people literally fainting in the aisles. The smell alone will knock people out. That’s when we do a special collection and empty out those suckers’ pockets even more,” Pete’s manager, Agnes Bartholomew, told the Sun.

Another Greek pop starlet, George Michael, was also put up for the benefit concert but was sadly unavailable for the event.

“Mr Michael is currently busy with a major project that has been in the planning phase for over four years. He is building Europe’s largest public lavatory for men in Hampstead Heath. The monumental project will populate 126 acres of land and incorporate every luxury known to the lavatory industry. The massive cottaging farm will ensure that millions of male visitors from all over the world will come to it every year thus increasing revenue for the local economy,” Archibald Westlake, head of public services for Camden Council, told the BBC.

Trendy Consumerist Fashionistas Occupy Wall Street Protest

World

Karoli Neem

October 9, 2011

Trendy Consumerist Fashionistas Occupy Wall Street Protest

These protestors have never known real hardship, they are cossetted mollycoddled privileged children of the American empire, who are simply painting their faces and writing placards to look cool. Protesting comes from real hardship, something these over-privileged sons and daughters of excess and greed will never know.

Protest as Fashion

“The rest of the world is suffering a true recession where children are going hungry and dying in the streets, and you’ve got these bloated retards protesting in Wall Street, their country has plundered the resources of every nation in the world so these idiots can drive the 5 MPG SUV’s that their poppa bought them. It makes me sick to the stomach that these people have the front to say they are in hardship. They turn on the tap and they get water, they flick a switch and get electricity, they ask daddy for money and he hands it over,” an angry witness to the Wall Street protests told the New York Times.

Americans are so insular and ignorant that they will never realise how they have plundered the earth so they can live in absolute opulence and luxury. America as a nation uses up 54% of all of the world’s resources not including oil at 18,690,000 bbl/day.

“What these protests show to the rest of the world is how far from reality these children are. They have no concept about true protest or hardship, their timid impotent nature belies the truth that they have no passion for real protest. This is because they are not suffering truly, they are a bunch of spoiled over-privileged kids with no purpose but to use someone else’s credit card. If they were really suffering they would be tearing down that street and smashing everything in sight. Instead these c*nts are standing around moaning and painting their faces. At least we know who the Wall Street shits are, they’re shits and they make shitloads of money, they don’t lie about it, they tell you who and what they are. The protesters on the other hand, are nothing but p*ssies, and their ineffectual protest is nothing to anyone apart from their exclusive little clique and other limousine liberal shisters,” another observer quipped.

Bank of England Governor Poos Pants Live on TV

Business

Karoli Neem

October 7, 2011

Bank of England Governor Poos Pants Live on TV

Governor of the BOE, Sir Mervyn King, who was being interviewed by Channel 4 news business correspondent, Amjam Chakrabati, was seen to be sweating profusely as he answered questions about the UK’s faltering economy.

He kept reiterating the point that it was “all over” and that there was “no way out” when a loud ripping noise was heard, followed by the sounds of gaseous activity in the Governor’s underpants.

A Channel 4 spokesman confirmed today that the Governor had shat his pants live on telly and that the smell was so bad, the cameramen and sound engineers had to be evacuated from the tiny studio.

“He’s only a little fella. Didn’t know someone of that size could make such a stink. He even steamed up his funny round glasses,” a Channel 4 News producer told the Guardian.

It seems rather ironic that the Governor who is desperate for some movement in the economy is getting plenty of movement in his bowels.

Man Marries Alien From Outer Space

Sci/Tech

Karoli Neem

October 7, 2011

“They will have their honeymoon in a galaxy far far away. She adores him, and will look after him like a pet,” Alphonse Duran, one of the guests at the wedding said.

The alien likes to be called the Duchess of Alba on earth but on her home planet she is known as Pigaugly which means ‘beautiful’ in the Centaurian language.

“If her face looks like that, what does the rest of her look like?” another reveller said before being zapped with a laser gun.

Steve Jobs to Persuade God to Switch to Apple From Using Windows 98

Sci/Tech

Karoli Neem

October 6, 2011

Steve Jobs to Persuade God to Switch to Apple From Using Windows 98

“We’re going to miss Steve down here, but we figured he needs to persuade God and his angels that the Windows system is not where it’s at. Right now Steve’s floating on an iCloud and telling God that OS X is so much more functional than a clunky outdated Microscratch product. Even though Steve was a Buddhist, God still made sure that he wanted the mac man, hell, he could’ve been Muslim and he still would’ve been accepted. We know that the Devil still uses Microsoft, but that’s because he has no scruples. The devil only knows what the devil knows and he never moves on. Apple is cool, silver, white and it has power,” an Apple spokesperson told Wired magazine.

It is with great sadness that the physical world has lost one its greatest pioneers, but our loss is heaven’s gain.

“Once God starts using macs, I think we will see his productivity increase tenfold. Much better processing power at the pearly gates, and we won’t get bad people slipping through trying to fool Saint Peter. We had the Michael Jackson guy trying to slip through the gates recently, luckily Saint Peter saw right through him and sent him down where he belongs. Close call though, for the sake of the children up here. Oh and another thing, there’s no Flash up here either, only lightning, but no Flash. That’s by order of Steve himself,” an angel on cloud 12 told the Afterlife Times.